It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

@Frazzled2207

As Sarah is not a big friend of your dd I would trim down the size of the party to invite less than half the girls in the class, or replace some of the girls with boys (not including John, obv).

However the key thing to bear in mind is that in a public place you can’t really control who turns up.

My ds is 9 this year and we are hoping to do cinema plus McDonald’s with just 4 or 5 max. I think once they get to 8/9 trimming down the numbers is totally ok and 20 seems a lot.

DD was actually leaning towards a Pizza Hut and cinema with approx 5 close friends type thing (which, PPs who can’t/don’t read the updates, would be a drop off party unlike the trampoline park which can’t be drop off). However as she’s been to multiple of these trampoline park/inflatables type place parties lately and really enjoyed them (aside from getting bothered by John), she’s decided that what she wants instead. I’m happy with this because I do think there are only so many years she’ll want this kind of party and that a Pizza Hut and cinema party will serve her further into tween/teen years

Have you talked to John's mum? And told her the truth?

I would do that.

You don't need to change your daughter's party if this is what she wants. Tell the mum.

Op has several choices.

1. She can have the party at a private venue. This gives her the ability to determine who is there and who isn’t. John can be excluded from this, by making it a ‘drop and go’ party with no parents and siblings.

1. She can go for the public venue trampoline park. She will have to accept she cannot control who from the public turns up and pays and interacts with the party kids.

Of course with option 2, she can speak to John’s mother and either explicitly or less clearly state that the girls would like to have their party alone and without John intervening. Given it’s a public venue the mother may or may not do as requested.

It would be a shame to exclude Sarah.

In the end, you cannot have everything here. Public venues are exactly that and you accept the parental supervision requirements they apply and also tgat there’s no control over who is there. Op will have to decide if the activity is more important or a private venue.

Personally with 8 year olds I wouldn’t be choosing a venue that needed every parent to stay. 8 year olds like a bit of independence and which parents really want to spend their weekend at random kids’ parties? I’d go for a public venue without these requirements or a private venue or use home.

When we do these parties we invite all parents to drop at our house. Myself and hubby or GP will drive them all then bring them back. John doesn't need to come then

Invite the girls to the party, offer lifts to three of them so DD can turn up with some friends (make Sarah one of them).

Then there's no excuse to bring John and Mum cannot turn up with him and passively aggressively allow him to bounce.

At eight I doubt he'd want to be the only boy either.

I remember a couple of parties where 1 parent was needed per child. My heart would drop. My precious Saturday was half taken up by being at a venue I didn’t wNt to be at, and often supervising other people’s kids. It seemed unfair and wrong, when during our turn, we’d host something that parents could drop and go at.

Yes, think about what your child would like. But do also consider the impact on the families you’re inviting. These aren’t 3 year olds who need a parent with them, but 10-13 adults who have busy family lives and who shouldn’t need to supervise 8 year olds at parties.

This reminds me of ‘Motherland’ - the conflict caused by those having parties which required parents and those which didn’t and the stress for working parents of losing one of their precious weekend days to a party someone else organised but wanted THEM to help supervise.

When I organise parties of course I look at what my DC want. I also consider the distance other families might have to travel, when in the day it is and what kind of impact it has on those other families. Why organise something that requires an hour driving each way, or is at a time which takes over the whole day and means Sami lies won’t have any usable morning or afternoon because of when the party falls?

Sometimes party organisers are a bit clueless. They dream up elaborate requests for party outfits and clearly are thrilled with their ideas and have spent ages working on them....without a thought to the families. I know people can decline an invitation which doesn’t work for them, but most would like their kids to get to enjoy the party. It’s just some people seem to love to throw a party where there’s lots of work for all the parents involved ...travel, supervision, preparation beforehand (waivers, costumes, etc etc)

Perhaps I’m an old bag misery guts....it’s just I think some people give zero consideration to the implications of their fun ideas.

Could you offer to take Sarah in your car? Maybe with a couple of others too?

So if your daughter initially wanted just a few friends for pizza hut & cinema-how did that become all girls in class plus others for trampoline & not just the same few for trampoline?

@diddl

So if your daughter initially wanted just a few friends for pizza hut & cinema-how did that become all girls in class plus others for trampoline & not just the same few for trampoline?

Because they have a minimum attendees package, however obviously the current list has gone over this now, it’s just a different kind of vibe of party isn’t it. But I am leaning towards the option of paring it back.

1. Invite Sarah, if John comes along you tell him off. It's not appropriate to be pulling your daughter's glasses off or strangling people! Pull him up on it every time! If his mum says anything point out that you didn't invite him to the party and you don't want him to ruin your daughter's day.

OR

1. Cut the number of girls you're inviting from school in half. DD's not overly close with Sarah and it's less obvious that you're excluding her.

"Because they have a minimum attendees package,"

Of course-hadn't thought about that!

That should be easy enough to explain then.

I'm also gobsmacked at the lengths people expect small girls to put up with abusive behaviour in the grounds of either bring nice, of not making a fuss.

If Sarah is excluded because of her brother, again that's a girl being punished for her brothers behaviour.

I'd approach this from several angles.

1. make the invite very clear it's girls only, possibly with the the words 'no boys allowed' as part of it. I normally here that kind of thing, but there are exceptions to most things.

2. speak to the mum the day after the invites are given out, saying that she knows in the past, for girls parties John had come, but that your daughter very much only wants girls and so if he is in the venue, can he please not join the girls group.

3. as part of the conversation offer to give Sarah a lift, to make it easier for her.

If despite all that, he comes, and he intrudes, then have one of the staff primed to speak to mum/go speak to get yourself.

Option 3

@Savingpeoplehuntingthings

Could you make it a 'girls allowed' party, so invited day something like A girly party, pink invites, make it clear it's a girly day, no boys allowed?

This is a good idea. I'd make it a GIRLS ONLY party and I pop something on the invite to say that due to the games that have been organised can parents please not bring siblings. ( or some excuse, maybe food or something) Just make sure there is a clear 'sorry we can't accommodate siblings' on the invite.

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

When we do these parties we invite all parents to drop at our house. Myself and hubby or GP will drive them all then bring them back. John doesn't need to come then

This is what I would do.

I also think it is unfair the girls have to put up with this nonsense without complaining just in case parent of John is offended 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Happymum12345

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

So have you not made any decisions since the war started then? You haven’t decided what to have for breakfast, or what to wear or whether to go to the shops?

Invite Sarah over before the party and get her parents to also collect from your house after party.

@Happymum12345

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

Eh? He's an 8 year old with violent tendencies.

@FairyCakeWings it is cruel not to invite her if every other girl is invited. It’s cruel to take her mum’s lack of authority over her kids out on her. It’s cruel to penalise her because of her brother’s behaviour. She’s 8.

I'm the mum of teen twins and it can be hard managing parties.
We definitely had a phase when dd had more invites than ds. But we took to to the cinema or similar, we didn't gate crash the parties.
You need to clearly tell the mum it is a girl only party so only dd can come.

I'm pretty grateful that parties aren't a thing anymore.

@Happymum12345

The boy is 8. He’s not an 18 thug abusing woman. He’s an 8 year old boy. Let’s get some perspective on this. There is a horrible war going on and people are questioning whether to ask a CHILD to a party or not.

There’s a war going on so my DD should put up and shut up with being teased about her glasses at her own birthday party?

@ittakes2

Invite Sarah over before the party and get her parents to also collect from your house after party.

And strap her to the roof of the car?

Maybe I’m missing something but can you speak to the mum involved? Ultimately she’s the one you need to bring around to your side. You can say it’s a girls-only party, and that she’s mentioned John has teased her in the past, so how would she feel about Sarah coming alone? And if she’s not receptive then I would leave it up to the mum to un-invite Sarah. You don’t have to say where it will be, you can say you’re considering multiple locations even.