It’s a birthday party invites one- twins

[MarianosOnHisWay]

DD has a set of boy-girl twins in her Year 3 class. Let’s call then John and Sarah (not real names).
John seems to be a boisterous type, I often hear his name from DD at the end of the day in conjunction with who has been in trouble or that he’s done something like pull her glasses off, talk about killer clowns etc. Sarah isn’t one of DD’s best friends but they get on fine.

The popular destination for 8th birthday parties this year (after they haven’t been able to have parties for so long) is either one of two large trampoline/bouncy park type things. We’ve been to around 4-5 parties at these so far this year. Because they’re large places, you don’t hire the whole place- there are members of the public bouncing too.

DD is having her party at one such place. She would like to invite all the girls in the class. However, what has happened at the last few parties like this is- Sarah is invited but the twins’ mum also brings John along and pays for him as a member of the public to enter and bounce. Obviously he doesn’t join in the party room, party food etc.

I get it- they’re twins, what one does the other wants to do. Also maybe mum doesn’t have childcare for John while taking Sarah to a party.

DD has now said she’s worried about inviting Sarah as it will mean John will come. She says at the other parties when he’s been there as a non-party member of the public he’s been rough, deliberately barged into the party members when bouncing, even strangled them, been rude and called out rude things etc. She doesn’t want this to happen at her party.

I’m not sure how to make the AIBU voting because as I see it there are three options:

-Don’t invite Sarah- very reluctant to do this as she’d be the only girl in the class not invited and why should she suffer due to her twin brother’s behaviour?

-Invite Sarah but have a work with mum and say please don’t bring John- so awkward and she may not have the option plus as a member of the public I can’t really control if she brings him?

-Invite Sarah and just accept that it means John coming too, and prep DD to come and report any incidents (again so awkward though? The mum will be sitting there at the cafe place and what will I say “John is playing rough and the girls don’t like it, please get him and ask him to stop”)

Or is there a fourth option??

Wow, I have B-G twins and quite liked it when one got invited to a party and the other didn't as I then got 1:1 time withthe other.

To bring the non invited twin to the party (even though she pays for him) is really cheeky. It's so important twins are seen as individuals not "the twins".

Maybe she struggles with John and uses these occasions to get herself 5 minutes break?

If your child is running round a party strangling people having 5 mins to yourself isn’t really a choice you can make though, because deliberate violence like that really does need a parent to intervene.

I wouldn't invite Sarah. Terrible for the little girl but it seems they are a package and he will upset your daughter on her birthday. That would be a no from me.

Invite Sarah. Advise the mother its girls only.

Also, speak to the venue and see if there is a limit in numbers you can supervise.
Also the idea abput taking Sarah along yourself is great, if do-able for you.
Unless they're conjoined twins there's no reason why John needs to be there.

@MarianosOnHisWay

The twist (drip feed but but not really drip feed?!) to all this is that I’m actually a primary school teacher myself, I teach year 4 in a difficult, deprived area and am very experienced in dealing with behaviour issues amongst the children as well as talking to parents about their children’s behaviour. However, this is a totally different sphere and I obviously can’t treat the party goers as I would my class at school and I don’t want to embarrass my DD! I try to keep a low profile amongst the class parents and not use my “teacher voice” in public. I sometimes have to bite my tongue very hard!

If his mother won’t parent him and he’s hurting other children then you are fully entitled to go full teacher on him.

Dear God what a lot of fuss about nothing. Tell your dd to pick 9 girls to invite to her party and have done with it. No need for all the hand-wringing.

@MarianosOnHisWay yes I work with schools and these families every day, way longer than you have, and you are projecting. You get those behaviours in non deprived families too and many teachers are very experienced at dealing with children's behaviours and speaking to parents in non deprived areas. Though the parents are often more articulate so using a teachers voice is out of the question and so patronising.

Big mistake not to allow twins to have seperate friends/events. Their mother is doing them no favours going forward. They are individuals and people need to see them as such or they wont be anle to themselves!
The idea of offerig a lift is a good one and also emphasising that it is a girls only party.
If the darling boy does gatecrash, be very clear he is not welcome... both to him and his mother.

Do you have a good friend who can offer a lift to Sarah? You are going to be busy on the day.

?Oh this could work - maybe even invite a 2-3 boys from her class so they all have an option.*

Boys are sometimes rougher or like this sort of play.

No this wouldn't work. Op dd doesn't want to invite boys, why should she be forced to invite 2-3 boys? Why should she have to put up with rougher behaviour? This make me so bloody cross, the message is DD is get ready for a life of putting your needs below others. Fucking disgusting.

Who says they are not allowed to have separate friends @Bonbon21? All that's happening is that the mum is bringing him along when it's one of those parties at a public venue where parents have to stay and paying for him to play too. That's totally normal behaviour and every soft play type party I've ever been to has involved parents bringing siblings and doing likewise.

[quote Faevern]@MarianosOnHisWay yes I work with schools and these families every day, way longer than you have, and you are projecting. You get those behaviours in non deprived families too and many teachers are very experienced at dealing with children's behaviours and speaking to parents in non deprived areas. Though the parents are often more articulate so using a teachers voice is out of the question and so patronising.[/quote]
I didn’t say there aren’t also difficulties in other areas and I was (light-heartedly) referring to using a “teacher voice” to the child, not the adult. I also didn’t say that other teachers don’t have experience of dealing with parents and behaviour problems. I do have many teacher friends who work in many varied areas and I would say that incidentally there is a higher proportion of behaviour issues and lack of parental engagement in deprived areas, however obviously it’s not black and white. It’s not a competition about who has worked with deprived families for the longest. Well done to you, I hope you enjoy your work and you’re making a positive difference for those you work with. Now let’s draw a line under this as it’s not so relevant to my original dilemma. I possibly shouldn’t have mentioned that I’m a teacher and what kind of area.

Maybe she struggles with John and uses these occasions to get herself 5 minutes break?

Maybe she does, but this isn't some kind of respite care - it's a party where it's hoped the guests will enjoy themselves

And since it turns out OP's a teacher I wouldn't have thought being firm with the lad's mum would be anything new

Is she a single parent? Do you know if John has anyone to look after him if Sarah goes?

Difficult.

There were twins in one of my classes when I was a child. I invited one but not the other (because one was a close friend and the other was not) and their mum went crazy. She talked to my mum about it and even went behind our back and told our teacher. Luckily the teacher had some common sense and told her that they are not the same person and that they should be treated as individuals.

I normally would say that she can easily invite Sarah and not John if Sarah is her friend and John is not. But my birthday parties always took place without the parents (well except for mine), since I was three of four years old or so. It is uncommon here to invite the parents too past a certain age.

If you invite the mums/dads too then it's different because she has to watch John. And if she has no one else to watch him she has to take him along. And to be honest it would break my heart if he happened to be there but wouldn't be allowed to join the party, was excluded from the party room, no cake etc. That would just be cruel.

In my opinion your only choices are:

• not invite the parents and then just invite Sarah (not sure if this is possible. We always had my parties at home so they just dropped this kids off and we would have the party and then drive everyone home)

• include John and let him participate in the party

• not invite Sarah (but that would be sad because your daughter likes her)

I would pick the first option but if it is not possible then include John.

Invite Sarah and arrange with the mum that you take her in your car so she doesn’t need to come along with John at all.

The forth option would be to get the parents to drop the kids to your house, then you take them at some unspecified time, come back to yours again for pizza - rather than having it there. Or just do one way or the other. But make the timing vague.

If you don't have enough spaces in the cars, then I'd ask a friend to help.

The other option is making the party host (if they have one) aware of the issue and then she can monitor the situation and possibly eject said child if he's being a PITA

@underneaththeash

The forth option would be to get the parents to drop the kids to your house, then you take them at some unspecified time, come back to yours again for pizza - rather than having it there. Or just do one way or the other. But make the timing vague.

If you don't have enough spaces in the cars, then I'd ask a friend to help.

The other option is making the party host (if they have one) aware of the issue and then she can monitor the situation and possibly eject said child if he's being a PITA

To be honest the point of paying £250 for a trampoline park party is so that you turn up there, they kids are occupied, they get given food then they go off on their merry way and you don’t have to have 20 hyper kids in your own house (mine is very small) and don’t have to make food etc This would defeat the object!

It would be shitty not to invite Sarah. You don’t leave one kid (or one girl) out EVER!!!!

Deal with the John situ any way you feel you need to but you don’t leave one kid out. In the case it sounds like John and Sarah’s mum is not in fact a CF so maybe give her a bit of a break and not add to her burden.

I'm feeling a bit bemused that no one has picked up on the comment that "John" has "barged into the girls, even strangled them" I would be having a word with his mother. That along with knowing he's familiar with killer clowns raises a major red flag with me

C. You can’t control what the mum does with the son and you can’t not invite Sarah she’d be so heartbroken

Aye, I'd do everything I reasonably could to not let Ian Huntley Jnr spoil my bairn's party.

I possibly shouldn’t have mentioned that I’m a teacher and what kind of area.

I understand why you mentioned it. It adds a particular dimension when you know exactly how you would deal with John if he were in your classroom but feel unable to do the same in a social situation.

@ThanksItHasPockets

I possibly shouldn’t have mentioned that I’m a teacher and what kind of area.

I understand why you mentioned it. It adds a particular dimension when you know exactly how you would deal with John if he were in your classroom but feel unable to do the same in a social situation.

Yes, this. Thank you

This is actually a possibility, there are 16 girls in her class and she could invite maybe 8-10 who are close special friends and then there is another year 3 class in the school (two form entry) where she’s friendly with some of the girls there from being in the same class in the past (they remix each year) or being in brownies together so she could invite a few of them.

That sounds like a perfect solution and actually nicer for your DD than all the girls she sees at school and no one else. Maybe even add a Brownie friend who goes to a different school.