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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I break up their engagement?

247 replies

Butterfly3105 · 12/03/2022 01:39

So my AIBU is simple I realised I'm in love with a guy i met in Uni, I used to casually see on/ off for around 10 years, and suddenly he's met someone and they're engaged, we were still flirting when this new relationship started (which is annoying) when he told me about the wedding his words were "You had so many chances"

So.. my question is should I tell him how I feel before it's too late and potentially ruin the engagement? Xx

OP posts:
NeverChange · 12/03/2022 13:46

I am astounded by your belief that you think you can actually break up his engagement!!!

He is engaged to someone else because he wants to be.

You can easily not go to the wedding, you don't have to confess your rather sudden feelings for him.

You just seem so self absorbed. You didn't want him until someone else decided he was good enough for them. It reads like jealousy and competition rather than true genuine love.

Do you have a self esteem issue? I have seen this before with women who want to interfere in other people's relationships. You want to prove you can get the men even if you don't actually want him. It's like some sort of messed up validation. Genuinely think you need real therapy to figure out what you are playing at it. If you love someone, you love them. Love isn't triggered by them being with someone else but jealousy is.

Polkadotties · 12/03/2022 13:48

If you really wanted him you would have got together properly years ago. Don’t be a bitch

InRoseBlush · 12/03/2022 14:15

You've overly romanticised all this in your head. Probably because you're panicking that your back up option isn't available anymore. If you were actually in love with him you would have known it and told him long before now. And same for him.

In my life I've learned that if a man is really in love with a woman he makes it known and will overtly try to make a relationship happen. Any situations where the guy has been ambiguous about his feelings or there's been that on again/ off again dynamic, it's turned out the guy isn't that interested or the relationship breaks down fairly quickly.

So even if you did declare your feelings I would put money on it not panning out with you two living happily ever after. Most likely scenario is you will be left hurt and embarrassed and a friend down while he marries the girl he loves enough to commit to.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 12/03/2022 14:34

Grow the fuck up

Thumpkin · 12/03/2022 14:40

Have you thought about the fiancée at all or just about yourself?

GiftWrappingLikeItsXmasEve · 12/03/2022 14:47

If you haven’t actively been rebuffing him for a decade then why would you think he is seriously interested now? “You had your chance” is a nice way to say “it never happened”.

He’s literally just publicly committed his life to another woman.

FreyaMaya · 12/03/2022 14:54

You just want to see if he would choose you over the other woman. So it boils down to your ego being stroked! If he then told you he would leave the other woman to be with you, I bet you'd suddenly not feel the same.
You're the type of woman I really dislike

sayanythingelse · 12/03/2022 14:55

Silly idea.

Surely the only reasonable thing to do would be wait until the day of the wedding when the vicar asks if anyone knows of any reason why this couple should not be married, burst through the church doors and confess your undying love. Obviously he'll see what a mistake he's making and marry you instead. The guests will clap and cry and you'll both live happily ever after.

I can't see any other solution tbh.

AhhhHereItGoes · 12/03/2022 14:58

He's found someone who wanted him when he was available unlike you.

You just don't want another woman to have him - which is selfish as hell.

If you genuinely care back the fuck off and evaluate your own behaviour.

SailingNotSurfing · 12/03/2022 15:33

I think you should buy yourself a lovely white dress, learn the lyrics to It Should Have Been Me and wait for the wedding service to make your announcement. It's only fair.

Jellybean23 · 12/03/2022 15:41

"I just wanna tell him how I feel and see what happens".

Are you serious? He was dating this girl while flirting with you? Now he's chosen the one he wants to be with and it's not you. He was careful - you had no idea there was someone else in his life. It's unlikely he arranged a wedding in the hope you'll come running to him. You should say nothing and wish him happiness in his marriage.

sharksarecool · 12/03/2022 16:30

How "suddenly" has he met and hot engaged to this woman? If he were tk fitch her for you, how certain could he be that you wouldn't change your mind about him in a few months?
If he is happy then just leave it. Why does he need to know how you feel?

Ori18 · 12/03/2022 16:31

Go watch My Best Friend’s Wedding. It doesn’t end well for Julia Roberts, but she realises things are where they should be - for a reason. Also, it’s a very good film nonetheless

PiperPosey · 12/03/2022 16:31

OP?
Julia...where did ya go?
I wanted to add..and I don't want to hog this thread...

Do not continue to contact him again. Wives don't appreciate FLIRTY women. Skip the wedding...They don't like Longing glances either.

Tiddlesthecat · 12/03/2022 16:58

Absolutely not!! His comment alone indicates that you spent years playing with his feelings and that he has now moved on. He's not a toy to play with, neither is his fiancé. You are also assuming that you have the capacity to break them up which is hugely egotistical of you. It sounds to me like he has moved on and you are now jealous.

Moyny · 12/03/2022 17:11

@Ori18

Go watch My Best Friend’s Wedding. It doesn’t end well for Julia Roberts, but she realises things are where they should be - for a reason. Also, it’s a very good film nonetheless
The only reason that film works is because Dermot Mulroney is so blah as the friend Julia Roberts decides she loves as soon as he tells her he's marrying someone else -- she has more chemistry with Rupert Everett, or Paul Giamatti, who is criminally wasted as the bellhop who shares a fag with her in the hotel corridor. I mean, we're not that upset she doesn't snag the dull sportswriter friend.

Though what strikes me thinking about it now is how hilarious it is that Jules and Whatsit decide that they'll marry one another at the hoary old age of TWENTY-EIGHT if no one else comes along. To preserve them from the lingering, terrible shame of being unmarried at thirty. Grin

Ori18 · 12/03/2022 17:23

May in fact have to watch that film tonight 🍿

Burgoo · 12/03/2022 17:28

Firstly, don't make the assumption that it will break up the engagement. Its a rather egotistical way of handling it and I suspect you may end up realising his life doesn't revolve around you.

Secondly, do you think its okay to crap all over the dreams of another woman by dropping this bomb into their relationship? Would it feel okay for someone you were going to marry to have an ex (whatever-you-were-together) to waltz in and take away your fiancée?

Tread VERY carefully here. What you want isn't really the issue here

TacoCats · 12/03/2022 17:29

Well It's just a little to late...

FirstTimeMum6666 · 12/03/2022 17:32

No! You had 10 years to be with him and you didn't want him. Now you're just jealous because you have lost someone to feed your ego!

NameChangeCity123 · 12/03/2022 17:34

He knows how you feel. He would have acted on it if he was interested. Leave it well alone. The poor other woman has done nothing wrong and you're seriously considering ruining things for her too? You sound like a lovely person

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2022 17:38

Nope. Don't tell him and for God's sake don't go to the wedding.

Have a bit of respect for his fiancee and his choice.

As he said, you had your chance. Grow up and move on.

BOOTS52 · 12/03/2022 17:46

No you both had all those years together and if it was ever to lead to anything it would have done so by now. Move on with your life and do not go to the wedding and let him be happy. The title of your question says it all, sounds like you do not want him to be happy and bet if he was back with you then you would not want him. It is natural to feel a bit out of sorts when you hear an ex is engaged and it can make you feel sad but you will get over it. Leave him alone and let him get on with his new life and relationship and stop contact with him. Do not be that woman who is sending messages and flirting with a man who is with another woman as that is so mean. You just want control of it and not that you even want him.

hannahmontana00 · 12/03/2022 17:48

You won’t break up their engagement

No offence but he doesn’t want you, regardless of that so many chances comment. You were seeing each other over the span of 10 years, if he wanted to marry you, he would have made that clear and proposed to you at the time. He wouldn’t have started to date someone whilst seeing you too.

Like sorry but I think you’re a bit delusional in that you think you have the power here…but actually it’s him. He’s had the power over your situationship and still does now tbh. Nothing you say will impact him

100problems · 12/03/2022 17:57

If I were you OP I’d totally put on a lobster costume and wave my claws whilst singing Say A Little Prayer for You.

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