Partner stopping bill money after DLA award

[Woolyduck]

We have been awarded middle rate DLA for our 3yo DC.
Partner usually sends me £270 bill money but since finding out we are getting 240 for DCs DLA he has said he is stopping the bill money as DLA gets paid to my account.
I argue we need this extra money and at the end of the month I tend to end up borrowing his card for basic groceries and it's supposed to be for extra things DC needs due to his autism.

So

YABU
you're getting the money into your account, he can stop paying that part of bill money in

YANBU
DLA should be for DCs extra needs and food shopping for family

Name changed 15729 DLA can be used for household expenses, often having a disabled child means that energy bills are higher, there may be more laundry which leads to wear & tear on the machine, a child with ADHD or autism may cause damage to the home during meltdowns. If your disabled dc needs taking to & from school extra fuel will be needed, they may need shoes & clothing replacing more often, a parent may have to reduce working hours to care for the dc but be over the earnings amount to claim carers allowance, then the DLA has to go in the general household pot.

LoisLane66 How can families have multiple disabled children? My best friend has 3 children 20, 14 & 5, eldest ds (20) was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD & PDA as a youngster, dd (14) has recently been diagnosed with Autism, ds (5) is going through the diagnosis pathway for Autism & ADHD, he is still in nappies & doesn't sleep at night. My brother has 14 year old twins, boy & girl, ds was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD & has a genetic problem, dd was diagnosed with Autism & has a liver disease. Nobody chooses to have disabled children & would happily give up the extra money in a heartbeat to have a child who will face difficulty & prejudice all of their lives.

He's a worthless piece of poo isn't he.

The money is to help your son, not to absolve him of any financial responsibility. And I say this as someone who does use some of it towards household costs but DH still pays his half!

@LoisLane66

I would imagine it's difficult for a child to 'smash' cutlery but although I have sympathy for families who have children with behavioural problems, unless they are twins or triplets, I can't understand the motivation to have another one or even two children when you already have difficulties with the first and then the next child. It makes no sense IMO.

So you think if you have a disabled child you shouldn't have another? How does that work? Lots of disabled children benefit wonderfully fro their sibling relationships. And having one child with disabilities doesn't mean you will have another. My friend has a child with v complex needs due to a genetic condition. She had a second child a few years later who was absolutely fine and then a daughter a few years after that who would have been healthy had the hospital not made grave errors during her delivery and now she has CP. It isn't her fault she has two disabled children, she didn't do anything wrong, she loves them all and all of their Ives are enriched for having each other

@Imitatingdory

Loislane wow. As you say, you don’t know who on here has multiples. Neither do you know if the child’s difficulties were evident when their sibling was conceived.

Even if they were evident, why should parents of a disabled child not be entitled to have a second child like anyone else?

Sleepingstandingup I didn't say that. That wasn't the point of my posts. But you twist it that way if you want.

x2boys we are hoping so.

Not much of a fucking partner is he?

@LoisLane66 in answer to your question, how do families have multiple disabled children?

Genetics is the answer you’re looking for.

My ds has autism (adhd / learning disability and other conditions) my dh side has the adhd, my side have the autism.

My nephew (my sisters son) is now looking likely to have autism, just like ds. It’s like ds as a baby all over again. Same traits / quirks.

It’s common knowledge to have more than one child with the same condition. They share the same dna after all.

And no I didn’t go on to have anymore children, I can barely cope with my ds.

Also just to add. Although I think it’s already been mentioned to a degree.

Autism doesn’t usually rear it’s head until 2/3/4/5, (pick a number any number!) 🤣 by which time most people have already had said child’s sibling.

We knew early with ds, from age 1 we had strong suspicions, he was under assessment from 2, diagnosed at 3. So really early for a diagnosis. Hence we didn’t go on to have any more children, not solely because I was worried next child would have the same condition but more because i would of never of managed ds and a baby. He’s always been a handful and I can’t stretch myself past him.

Now ds is 8. It was the right decision for us to keep him as an only child.

THE DLA isn't meant to be used to pay for your household bills, it's to pay for your child's disability costs. Any additional therapy, equipment and associated costs incurred. Not to pay for council tax and Netflix. Open a separate account and have the DLA paid into that and use it only for your Ds. Keep all receipts so if they ever ask to see proof of expenditure, you've got it.

You can then claim carers allowance or carers credit if you earn too much for carers allowance.

DLA is for child's money, for their needs.
I would spilt up with a selfish dick who thinks they have to pay less and leave their child to go without.

There are no rules about how DLA should be spent. It is intended to be for the benefit of the child but this can include household bills. The issue here is the controlling behaviour of the partner.

@Alrightqueenie

THE DLA isn't meant to be used to pay for your household bills, it's to pay for your child's disability costs. Any additional therapy, equipment and associated costs incurred. Not to pay for council tax and Netflix. Open a separate account and have the DLA paid into that and use it only for your Ds. Keep all receipts so if they ever ask to see proof of expenditure, you've got it.

You can then claim carers allowance or carers credit if you earn too much for carers allowance.

Part of the cost of my child's disability is me not being able to work and thus earning SIXTY SEVEN POUNDS A WEEK. That's it. And I get no concession on dentist or prescriptions etc. All my costs come out of an annual "wage" of 3.5k. So part of my child's disability costs are a roof over his head and food on his table.

Its great if you can put every penny aside for something they need EXTRA but it doesn't work that way for lots of lower income families. Half gets put aside, half is subsumed into the family pot that pays for life.

And never has anyone ever been told to present recipes and evidence of what they spend that money on.

OP, your partner is a selfish arse if he thinks that your child's DLA is for general family spending and not on your child's needs.

However, I get DLA for my child (HRC/LRM), and it goes in my bank account. I don't work because of my child's needs so their DLA is my 'slush fund' so to speak. I've just given my older child their pocket money out of that.
It's all swings and roundabouts though. In reality, the amount we pay out for having a disabled child is way over and above what we would if we had 2 neurotypical children. The family car is an 8 seater because the 2 dc can't sit together as one will attack the other. The 2 year old washing machine is making an all out racket because its on its last legs. I do in excess of 30 loads a week for a family of 4, mainly because of my neurodiverse child. They sleep on a £600 bed base with a £150 hospital bed mattress as they were wrecking beds and mattresses at a shocking rate. I've paid out close to £450 in the past month to repair damage that they have caused. Next week I have someone in to price up a complete bathroom refit as repeated meltdowns in the bath have wrecked the bathroom floor to the extent it all needs pulling out and refitting. And that's before I go into the amounts of clothing/bedding they have that would probably be enough to stock a kids clothes shop. Oh, and they're gluten free as well out of medical necessity, however I don't get vouchers from the GP like a pp suggested. It's very hard to get gf food now from a GP and even if you do manage to get a script from your gp, in this area you are limited to bread and some revolting flour 'mixes' only. And DC won't even eat the bread so that's a complete non starter. All of the above are paid out of 'family money' by the way (well actually my husband's money if I am being precise), hence why I don't segregate the DLA.

Back to OP, I am sure if you sat down and totted up what you spend out in each 4 week period for your child who receives DLA, it would be more than what you get. Maybe your DP might be enlightened then if it's infront of him in black and white.

@Imitatingdory

Sleepingstandingup I didn't say that. That wasn't the point of my posts. But you twist it that way if you want.

x2boys we are hoping so.

Sorry I was pissed off with Lois, I didn't mean to take it out on you. I was just reinforcing the point that no one should have to justify knowing their child is disabled and still l having another one.

DLA is to pay for all the extra expenses and opportunities your boy needs ( improving his life), not so your DH can save some cash on his household bills. DH is stealing from your son, don't allow it. He should be ashamed of himself and it's your job to stop it happening.

@JustPlainKnackered it's to cover whatever costs need covering. The issue isn't that some of it might be going on bills but then they'll use other money when needed to buy stuff. The issue is that dad is seeing it as a way to not contribute to the family and to basically abdicated all financial responsibility

www.gov.uk/carers-credit for those who earn too much to claim for carers allowance.

www.carersuk.org/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

@Alrightqueenie

THE DLA isn't meant to be used to pay for your household bills, it's to pay for your child's disability costs. Any additional therapy, equipment and associated costs incurred. Not to pay for council tax and Netflix. Open a separate account and have the DLA paid into that and use it only for your Ds. Keep all receipts so if they ever ask to see proof of expenditure, you've got it.

You can then claim carers allowance or carers credit if you earn too much for carers allowance.

So many misconceptions on this thread.

You can use dla for whatever you like. It can go into the household pot and be used to pay for Netflix, bills, heating and food or whatever else. No one checks what you spend it on. For many families with a disabled child they have lost one full time salary because someone is having to stay home to care for the child. Dla helps to bridge that gap along with carers allowance etc. I say bridge - not plug. It’s a help not a solution.

Bagelsandbrie That's true but also having a disabled child often means more expenditure on disability related costs. It's not there to plug the gap for financially abusive parents to avoid paying. This is what's happening here and it's likely that there won't be any money spent on the disabled child. As the financially abusive dad is using it for the general household bills. That's why I said it in my pp but maybe it was clumsily worded, I still believe the DLA should be spent on disability costs in this situation.

@Alrightqueenie

Bagelsandbrie That's true but also having a disabled child often means more expenditure on disability related costs. It's not there to plug the gap for financially abusive parents to avoid paying. This is what's happening here and it's likely that there won't be any money spent on the disabled child. As the financially abusive dad is using it for the general household bills. That's why I said it in my pp but maybe it was clumsily worded, I still believe the DLA should be spent on disability costs in this situation.

Yes I can see what you’re saying.

@Alrightqueenie

THE DLA isn't meant to be used to pay for your household bills, it's to pay for your child's disability costs. Any additional therapy, equipment and associated costs incurred. Not to pay for council tax and Netflix. Open a separate account and have the DLA paid into that and use it only for your Ds. Keep all receipts so if they ever ask to see proof of expenditure, you've got it.

You can then claim carers allowance or carers credit if you earn too much for carers allowance.

Again DLA CAN be used for anything that benefits the child they do not ask to see receipts , It ,s far more beneficial for my child to live in a warm and stable home ,with clean and dry clothes than to attend " therapies " ,and have no where permanent to live .

Your do shouldn't be benefiting financially from your child's dla. My son's dla goes into the general pot but his disability related expenses far exceed the amount he gets in dla. Sports groups for disabled children in our area are 20 minutes drive away (equivalent mainstream one is 5 minutes drive). Ds is a bolter so we either need to bring a carer with us if we want to go to the park or we have to pay £10 for soft play. Ds isn't safe in a normal swimming session so we have to pay £30 to hire the local small hydrotherapy pool if we want to take him swimming. Then there is all the extra paint, cleaning equipment, replacement household items because he destroys things.

Sorry I was pissed off with Lois, I didn't mean to take it out on you. I was just reinforcing the point that no one should have to justify knowing their child is disabled and still l having another one.

Sleepingstandingup Sorry for my blunt response. This is why it was so galling reading your post when it was me Lois’s posts were judging. Felt like I was having to justify myself to both sides.