Partner stopping bill money after DLA award

[Woolyduck]

We have been awarded middle rate DLA for our 3yo DC.
Partner usually sends me £270 bill money but since finding out we are getting 240 for DCs DLA he has said he is stopping the bill money as DLA gets paid to my account.
I argue we need this extra money and at the end of the month I tend to end up borrowing his card for basic groceries and it's supposed to be for extra things DC needs due to his autism.

So

YABU
you're getting the money into your account, he can stop paying that part of bill money in

YANBU
DLA should be for DCs extra needs and food shopping for family

DLA is technically for your dc, yes you can do what you want with it but it’s extra to help with the additional costs, this needs to be drilled into his head. So basically he’s keeping the money for himself. DS has DLA and I use it solely for him and him only.

Surely if it is reasonable to use DLA towards bills or general expenses depends on the effect that an individual's disability has on them and how that affects household costs? Blanket statements that something is or isn't allowed just seem likely to cause alarm.

Depending on the disability you might need to use the washing machine more often or have the heating higher so using some DLA to cover that seems a good use of it. Or if essential household goods need replacing much more often as a consequence of someone's disability then using some DLA for this seems a good use.

@Imitatingdory

Loislane wow. As you say, you don’t know who on here has multiples. Neither do you know if the child’s difficulties were evident when their sibling was conceived.

THIS!!!!

Both my children were diagnosed with a rare illness. They fell ill when I was 8 months pregnant and then got diagnosed when baby was 7 months.... wouldn't change them (I do wish for a cure) but wouldn't stop me having another as they are amazing strong children and im blessed for them to be mine even on the bad days.
I do see a huge difference in parenting though with my youngest who's "okay- unaffected" with that my other 2 have.

DLA is meant to be for things the child needs due to their disability. Obviously if a family is struggling and the DLA needs to pay the gas bill and the food shop there's nothing wrong with that, but when the bills were paid before, the extra (not that it's much and don't get me started on that!) should be helping DC, and you to deal with DC

@LoisLane66

I would imagine it's difficult for a child to 'smash' cutlery but although I have sympathy for families who have children with behavioural problems, unless they are twins or triplets, I can't understand the motivation to have another one or even two children when you already have difficulties with the first and then the next child. It makes no sense IMO.

Well it was my second child who has severe autism and learning disabilities that causes the behavioural problems,his disabilities didn't become apparent untill he was around 18 months and ds1 was around five by then so I could hardly send either if them back 🙄

I can't see that children with special needs eat more food than children who don't have those needs. Gluten free yes, can be a bit more expensive but your GP can give vouchers in that instance.
For the life of me I have never heard of so many children and ultimately adults with a list of ailments which are symbolised by rows of letters. Why is this happening? MH issues are rife everywhere too, yet we are wealthier than we've ever been, have better food, warmer environments, better housing, more benefits than you can shake a stick at. How someone can have one child, who has 'needs' above that of a 'normal' child yet continue to have another with needs and yet another...beggars belief.

@LoisLane66
That isn't true, their is gluten free and keto diet. Keto diet is helpful for seizures, very strict, intense, hard work and not cheap and we got no help
Also just because you have a child with additional needs doesn't mean you can't have more as what is the likelihood it'll be the same situation?
Like @x2boys said, her first born isn't the one with additional needs. Every situation is different so if people want more children then why not.
Genetically I can have my pregnancy tested for the condition my oldest 2 have so yes that will decide if I have more children or not going forward.... but it's different

@LoisLane66

I can't see that children with special needs eat more food than children who don't have those needs. Gluten free yes, can be a bit more expensive but your GP can give vouchers in that instance. For the life of me I have never heard of so many children and ultimately adults with a list of ailments which are symbolised by rows of letters. Why is this happening? MH issues are rife everywhere too, yet we are wealthier than we've ever been, have better food, warmer environments, better housing, more benefits than you can shake a stick at. How someone can have one child, who has 'needs' above that of a 'normal' child yet continue to have another with needs and yet another...beggars belief.

I think you are being deliberately goady However my child's diet isn't that bad compared to some children with autism he will try new things ,but we still have to have a stock of things in that we know he will eat ,as there are times he just won't eat what I put in front of him .

@x2boys
That post wasn't about your family. The post at 22:21 referred to the OP having 3 children all with 'needs'.

I’m not sure here as there is too little information so have not voted.

OPs partner pays 100% of rent, and previously gave her £270/mo towards the bills which she then pays. The bills she lists are utility bills (except water), council tax, Netflix and “subscriptions”. How much of her money from her PT carers job is she paying towards bills? (is she working 24-36hrs on 2/3 overnight 12hr shifts?) Are household expenses split fairly by their respective incomes? Is there usually any disposable income?

Are they struggling? as in is the partner into his overdraft or in cc debt due to paying the rent plus £270/mo to OP? If it’s London, that could be £2500/mo by itself!

I agree DLA is meant to cover additional expenses caused by the disability or disabilities, but if the family is on low household income or high cost of living area like London, it often has to be used on bills. Especially with bills rising and millions facing the heat or eat dilemma.

So it’s hard to say who is right without a fuller picture of the household finances.

Also certain conditions can be very variable so my son has an underlying rare chromosome thought the be the underlying reason for his disabilities ,it can either be inherited from a parent or in his case happen randomly lots of people don't realise they carry these disorders as they either have very mild or no symptoms ,but they can have a child who can be very affected by it or two children ,one mildly affected ,one profoundly ,etc ,etc and you won't know until your child starts to develop ,it's complex .

@Halllyup17 £240 a month is what, £53 a week? It's not much at all. People pay for a therapy session of some kind, or some bits and pieces to improve their quality of life. Or a carer for a few hours a week.

Don’t worry x2boys that post wasn’t aimed at you, but at me. What LoisLane doesn’t realise is I do in fact have multiples, but that is besides the point and none of her business. DS’s have the same medical condition and they have allergies to varying degrees, DS1 also has other needs including complex MH needs stemming from PTSD and DS3 has ASD. Wealth doesn’t buy health or happiness, and it cannot change genetics.

LoisLane your judgemental attitudes are water off a ducks back, one you have when you have disabled DC is a thick skin. Luckily I know your posts aren’t representative of MN as a whole as I have had amazing support over the years from MN’ers. They have held my hand through horrendous times without the judgemental attitudes you have.

I can't see that children with special needs eat more food than children who don't have those needs.

Well you don’t know many medical conditions then do you. DS’s need a lot more calories than average, they also need a high fat and protein diet. They see a dietician as part of their medical team and are on 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. DS1&DS3 also have EDNOS so can be seen by others as ‘fussy’ and the aforementioned allergies includes milk for DS1 and free from products are expensive.

Is he the Dad of your son? Are you living together? So he pays all the rent and then gives you £270 on top for bills and then you run out of money and have to use his card for groceries? How much do you both earn and how much do you contribute to expenses? If you’re running out of money every month then he might be right you’ll need to use the DLA for living expenses

I can't see that children with special needs eat more food than children who don't have those needs

@LoisLane66 As I understand it a lot of people with ASD like more processed food which can be more expensive. Or they might need tempting to eat.

OP's child with a disability isn't their oldest- but why people with children with a disability have another child is because they want another child and they have just as much right to as anyone else. Their next DC mightn't even have the disability except with certain conditions. And most people with disabilities still get pleasure from life. But you know all this, you're just being cheeky.

Wealth doesn’t buy health or happiness

@Imitatingdory Some money can definitely help. For instance for therapy etc, or just a better quality of life.

@Imitatingdory

Don’t worry x2boys that post wasn’t aimed at you, but at me. What LoisLane doesn’t realise is I do in fact have multiples, but that is besides the point and none of her business. DS’s have the same medical condition and they have allergies to varying degrees, DS1 also has other needs including complex MH needs stemming from PTSD and DS3 has ASD. Wealth doesn’t buy health or happiness, and it cannot change genetics.

LoisLane your judgemental attitudes are water off a ducks back, one you have when you have disabled DC is a thick skin. Luckily I know your posts aren’t representative of MN as a whole as I have had amazing support over the years from MN’ers. They have held my hand through horrendous times without the judgemental attitudes you have.

I can't see that children with special needs eat more food than children who don't have those needs.

Well you don’t know many medical conditions then do you. DS’s need a lot more calories than average, they also need a high fat and protein diet. They see a dietician as part of their medical team and are on 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. DS1&DS3 also have EDNOS so can be seen by others as ‘fussy’ and the aforementioned allergies includes milk for DS1 and free from products are expensive.

Agreed water off a ducks back ,through my son I know lots of families with disabled child/ children ,there are lots of different reasons for this I don't think anyone is doing it for the DLA 🤣.lots of times is a mix of genetics , different presentations etc .

@BungleandGeorge

Is he the Dad of your son? Are you living together? So he pays all the rent and then gives you £270 on top for bills and then you run out of money and have to use his card for groceries? How much do you both earn and how much do you contribute to expenses? If you’re running out of money every month then he might be right you’ll need to use the DLA for living expenses

She's running out of money and having to borrow his card for food. That means that he is not running out of money. That means there is an imbalance somewhere, in his favour. They live together, they have a child together, he should be absolutely zero problems with handing over his cash to by food for his child and partner.

Secondly, if the DLA money did have to be used on living expenses, then both of them should get the benefit of it. I.e. half of it should go towards her share of the bills, and the other half towards his share. Otherwise, by his system, he's now £270 better off per month than before (which is presumably "fun" money for him) whilst his life partner - the mother of his child - is £30 a week worse off than before they got the benefits, when she was already struggling to make it to the end of the month. And the child is getting no benefit from the money either.

If nothing else, the man has an extremely funny idea of what it means to be someone's "partner" and a "father".

@appleturnovers
She's running out of money and having to borrow his card for food. That means that he is not running out of money.

Unless it is a credit card or a debit card and he’s going into overdraft....we cannot know whether he is running out of money or not.

me4real it can help but money doesn’t buy health or happiness. It can’t change genetics and it can’t prevent trauma. Us being comfortably off (we aren’t rich but are comfortable) didn’t prevent DS’s lifelong medical condition, nor stop DS1 experiencing trauma resulting in complex MH difficulties or DS3’s ASD. Being able to afford therapies doesn’t help when your child’s MH means they struggle to engage.

"I think you are being deliberately goady"

I'd say that is a certainty. There is always one on this sort of thread.

Obviously this is wrong, why would it be to pay your household bills?

Are you living with this man? If you are, get rid. If you aren’t, see a solicitor to make sure he keeps payments up.

@Imitatingdory I paid for EMDR therapy for trauma with my PIP which did help a lot.

Being able to afford therapies doesn’t help when your child’s MH means they struggle to engage.

There are all sorts of different therapies so I wouldn't give up trying stuff, if you can find evidence-based things to try.

Even some physical/sensory things.

me4real we haven’t given up. DS1 has an EOTAS package with a lot of therapies and other provision in it and is under a tier 4 CAMHS team (tier 3 were rubbish but tier 4 are helpful). If he could engage with EMDR or TF-CBT he could have it on the NHS, but he is too unstable and immature to engage.

@Imitatingdory

me4real we haven’t given up. DS1 has an EOTAS package with a lot of therapies and other provision in it and is under a tier 4 CAMHS team (tier 3 were rubbish but tier 4 are helpful). If he could engage with EMDR or TF-CBT he could have it on the NHS, but he is too unstable and immature to engage.

Tbh that might come with maturity ,I was a mental health nurse ,I never worked with adolescents ,but people even with complex mental health issues can and do mature ,,just because it's difficult for him to engage right now doesn't mean it will always be ,I realise that's quite simplistic but don't give up hope .