Partner stopping bill money after DLA award

[Woolyduck]

We have been awarded middle rate DLA for our 3yo DC.
Partner usually sends me £270 bill money but since finding out we are getting 240 for DCs DLA he has said he is stopping the bill money as DLA gets paid to my account.
I argue we need this extra money and at the end of the month I tend to end up borrowing his card for basic groceries and it's supposed to be for extra things DC needs due to his autism.

So

YABU
you're getting the money into your account, he can stop paying that part of bill money in

YANBU
DLA should be for DCs extra needs and food shopping for family

@Halllyup17

As a parent who gets DLA/PIP on behalf of their child, I would say that you will struggle to spend all the DLA money in a month, every month, so you'll be better off and I get where he's coming from. What I'd do in your situation is have an account just for the DLA, and save it until your child needs anything. That way, it can pay for bigger purchases needed for his disability as they arise. You both then continue contributing to bills as normal.

Everyone is different. You can't possibly say that your own experience is indicative of someone else's. Some might be saving it to buy a new wheelchair that costs ££££; towards heating bills; towards clubs or extra tuition for their child; towards respite care; expensive technology/equipment; holidays/experiences for the child and family.

I'd never think to assume how another child's additional needs affect them and their family, nor how their DLA is spent each month.

[quote Halllyup17]@x2boys you could spend £240 a month solely on disability-related expenses, every month, forever? Bullcrap.[/quote]
You do realise some people pay privately for therapy’s for their disabled kids?

£240 is hardly the earth.

@TracyMosby absolutely, which is why saving it in a separate account is sensible.

@whoatethecake it's for a 3 year old with autism. There are no weekly physio sessions/hospital appointments. They'll be lucky if anyone sees him between now and forever.

What sort of man takes money from his own disabled child?

This!

[quote Halllyup17]@TracyMosby absolutely, which is why saving it in a separate account is sensible.

@whoatethecake it's for a 3 year old with autism. There are no weekly physio sessions/hospital appointments. They'll be lucky if anyone sees him between now and forever.[/quote]
How can you possibly know there’s no hospital apps?! When my son was 3 I had to take him to the hospital weekly for OT and ST.

@BeHappy91818 lucky you. Didn't spend £240 a month doing it though, did you?

So he's stealing money from a disabled child — classy!

What exactly is it that makes him a decent partner or indeed a decent human being? - because I've not heard anything yet.

Get rid!

You cannot base your circumstances on other people's @Hallyup17 DLA can be easily spent every month depending on circumstances 🙄

That is one of the most selfish things I have ever heard. What a horribly entitled, vile thing to do.

Shame on your DP.

I'm so sorry OP.

[quote Halllyup17]@BeHappy91818 lucky you. Didn't spend £240 a month doing it though, did you?[/quote]
Not on just the hospital apps no but there was also 25-27 other days in the month to cover.

Iv also paid for private speech therapy and hydro therapy sessions when he was 3-4.

Funny how determined you are to say people can’t spend £240 on extras for their kids when you don’t know anything about them. Some of us actually like to treat our kids and spend the money on their needs, unlike you clearly.

you could spend £240 a month solely on disability-related expenses, every month, forever? Bullcrap.

Hallyup7 Yes we do spend that and more! I get DLA for 3 DS’s (HRC/HRM, MRC/LRM, HRC/LRM) and it goes into the general household pot. We spend way more on their needs than we get in DLA.

Higher gas, water, electric bills. 

Extortionate food bills.

Driving places we would otherwise walk and parking costs.

Numerous clubs to help with physio, fitness, socialising., emotional regulation.
Buying equipment.


Independent assessments and private therapy.

Private dental treatment (NHS don’t provide root canal treatment under sedation or GA and the alternative was extraction)
Me not being able to work.
The list is endless.

[quote Halllyup17]@TracyMosby absolutely, which is why saving it in a separate account is sensible.

@whoatethecake it's for a 3 year old with autism. There are no weekly physio sessions/hospital appointments. They'll be lucky if anyone sees him between now and forever.[/quote]
What are you basing your assumptions on? The mere fact this child has been diagnosed with autism? That tells you nothing about his individual needs. If you've met one person with autism, you've only met one person with autism. It impacts everyone completely differently.

The people at DWP clearly acknowledge that the poster's son has significantly higher needs than most three year olds. They're the ones who have been given all of the evidence to make this assessment and award DLA.

Also, there are lots of therapies appropriate for a three year old depending on need. Occupational therapy, speech therapy, play therapy are examples. These can be around £100 for a 1 hr session.

My sons DLA used to fund private speech therapy and a day a week at a nature nursery, to give him a break from mainstream, which he loved,

Now he is at school, it does go into a general bill pot, but as I only work part time due to his needs, it ensures he can go to after school classes, pay for he enjoys/benefits from on the iPad, I don’t need to think too much about if we can afford a particular piece of equipment that might help him (like a trampoline). It helps a LOT.

I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, sit him down and clearly explain to him this money is for DC. If he refuses to continue to give you the £270, he is an utter selfish arse and you need to get out.

@Halllyup17 DLA doesn't even cover Half my expenses for my DS.

But You can't judge people who get this as their clearly entitle to it, and it can be used in so many ways an so many different therapy's are available etc or they only eat certain foods that are expensive to buy, or diet they need to be on (been their) theirs many many reasons

You have no idea we're it is going so you don't need to jump to any assumptions on someone you don't know, maybe it all doesn't get spent but what isn't used on the child could go towards a New toy, TV, microwave, anything but either way it's all to benefit the child no matter where it gets spent unless it's in the pub or something but as many of us know on this thread, when you are in receipt of this benefit you are never without your child anyway to do anything else.....

My sister could be posting this sadly. She gets the higher rate for my dn who is autistic with complex needs. Her partner gets benefits as he depressed. She never has any money and is constantly borrowing while he has a season ticket to the football and new trainers every week. Its sickening.
Op I know how these twats can make you feel like you are the unreasonable one. My xh was financially abusive and never gave me a penny as in his words he "paid all the bills"
Please get rid of this prick.

@Imitatingdory

you could spend £240 a month solely on disability-related expenses, every month, forever? Bullcrap.

Hallyup7 Yes we do spend that and more! I get DLA for 3 DS’s (HRC/HRM, MRC/LRM, HRC/LRM) and it goes into the general household pot. We spend way more on their needs than we get in DLA.

Higher gas, water, electric bills. 

Extortionate food bills.

Driving places we would otherwise walk and parking costs.

Numerous clubs to help with physio, fitness, socialising., emotional regulation.
Buying equipment.


Independent assessments and private therapy.

Private dental treatment (NHS don’t provide root canal treatment under sedation or GA and the alternative was extraction)
Me not being able to work.
The list is endless.

Exactly ,my son gets high rate care and mobility ,the mobility covers the car ,and the care component ,well my Gas and electricity are sky high as my son comes home from his special school covered in all sorts ,he strips all our beds ,so I'm constantly washing and drying his clothes and bedding he soaks his shoes and cos si they need to be clean and dry every day he is constantly smashing cutlery so this needs to be replaced ,hes extremely destructive so things are being replaced alk the time ,I don't think people realise how hard it can be

You know in situations like this I would be open with his family. I would say to the MIL, its a shame I got DLA to pay for extra things for DC. But now because of that DP has stopped giving me money towards the bills as he says I can use the DLA. I had wanted to pay for extra therapy for DC, specialist swimming lessons, etc etc.
He will not want anyone to know this is what is happening. Tell everyone.
Because if this really was okay behaviour, there is no reason to keep it a secret. But abusive men always want their abuse kept secret so he won't want anyone to know.

@scoobydoo1971

Legally that DLA is an asset for your child. It is not for parents to spend on personal expenses. DWP can do checks on this. You are being financially abused, and your child. You could use that money to provide relevant services. I understand as I have one child with autism. DLA pays for her art classes, her art materials etc and previously physiotherapy and other services that helped her with her emotions. Since he sees this as 'income', you can set up a separate bank account for your child (with you as the adult co-signatory).

DWP do not do any checks on what DLA is spent on. Never.

Why would DLA be partly for food shopping? What is the £60 per week for?

You can spend the money how you like. There was Govt research on how it was spent and no suggestion those putting it household pot were doing anything wrong and they can’t check what you use it for. If the household income is reduced due to someone providing unpaid care it’s completely legitimate for the money to be used to compensate for their lost income. It would cost far more to employ an outside carers. It’s not like anyone could live on carers allowance alone.

LoisLane66 perhaps OP would just put the DLA into the general pot and she happens to pay for the food shopping out of that general pot. That is acceptable, it doesn’t have to be kept completely separate as some on here think, putting it in the general household pot is fine. Or their food bills could cost more due to her DS’s needs so some of the DLA is used for food bills. Our food bills are extortionate due to DS’s needs.

I would imagine it's difficult for a child to 'smash' cutlery but although I have sympathy for families who have children with behavioural problems, unless they are twins or triplets, I can't understand the motivation to have another one or even two children when you already have difficulties with the first and then the next child. It makes no sense IMO.

I don't think people realise how hard it can be

x2boys no, I don’t think many do. Having disabled DC is expensive. We can afford it, and could manage without their DLA or my carer’s allowance, but having it allows us to give DC that bit extra, spend more without worrying whatever it is won’t help and can indulge their special interests more than we otherwise would. I realise how lucky we are for me to be able to post this.

Loislane wow. As you say, you don’t know who on here has multiples. Neither do you know if the child’s difficulties were evident when their sibling was conceived.