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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 20:52

Did you not consult him when choosing the house you were going to live in as a family? Have I missed something?

Sparklesocks · 10/03/2022 20:53

So when you were in the purchase of viewing/buying it what did he say? Or did you not tell him until after completion?

Moodycow78 · 10/03/2022 20:55

I'd imagine he's annoyed you've managed to buy a house and he hasn't, it's jealousy, he sounds like an idiot. Keep the house!

Meandthesky · 10/03/2022 20:56

What’s his objection? Is it a reasonable objection or is he just throwing his toys out of the pram?

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:57

@sadpapercourtesan

Did you not consult him when choosing the house you were going to live in as a family? Have I missed something?
We both looked around it. I was keen, he wasn't but didn't say explicitly no way.

I went ahead and offered on it which got accepted.

I thought it was in a joint agreement but he's now not talked to me for two weeks. Now saying he's not moving there.

OP posts:
Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:58

@Meandthesky

What’s his objection? Is it a reasonable objection or is he just throwing his toys out of the pram?
It's not got all of his objectives (land, outside buildings for his stuff, room for ponies etc) but sadly, my budget of £700k doesn't buy that around us.
OP posts:
JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/03/2022 20:59

What exactly is his problem? Do you love him?

I think ‘off you fuck then cunty chops’ would be my response but ……

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 21:00

I wouldn't be happy if I were him. You're supposed to be a family, and a couple - you're making decisions like a single person, because you earn more than he does so what you say goes. This isn't an investment you're making with your own private savings, this is a family home which you intend him to live in. Can't you see why he wouldn't be happy to be treated like that?

Sparklesocks · 10/03/2022 21:00

So did you make an offer without agreeing/discussing with each other first? Could that be why he’s struggling with it?

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/03/2022 21:00

WHAT?????

user1473878824 · 10/03/2022 21:00

He didn’t explicitly say yes though did he and that’s a pretty huge family purchase, whoever paid for it, to have not really had a say in

JayAlfredPrufrock · 10/03/2022 21:01

He wants room for ponies?

And he’s contributing what exactly?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/03/2022 21:01

What does he add to your life? Are you happy in this relationship? It sounds like he has coasted and lived off you at the expense of your health and wellbeing. Are you not deeply resentful of him at this point. I would be. Personally between the choice of my own beautiful home which I have slaved for while carrying another adult along, or nothing and continue to carry said adult... well Id be very much looking forward to getting the keys....
Luckily you are not married so its all yours.

Bdhntbis · 10/03/2022 21:02

I don’t understand why he’d not say when you made the offer that he didn’t like it?! Is he trying to sabotage the relationship?

ButtockUp · 10/03/2022 21:03

I think you know where you stand.

Meandthesky · 10/03/2022 21:04

What does he actually contribute to your life other than whining than your hard earned budget won’t stretch to all the nonessential things he wants?

BoodleBug51 · 10/03/2022 21:04

It'd be the house for me.

I think he sounds horrendous, sorry.

Gingerbreadman1972 · 10/03/2022 21:04

What's the house you currently have like? Does that meet all his objectives? Who pays the rent on that? Presumably if you move into the bought house he wouldn't be able to stay in your current place? Sounds like a good deal he's getting to me, talk about being ungrateful. If your (extremely decent) 700k budget doesn't cut it for him, I'd suggest he gets his finger out and contributes.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:06

@Bdhntbis

I don’t understand why he’d not say when you made the offer that he didn’t like it?! Is he trying to sabotage the relationship?
I don't know why he didn't say it at the time. Now two weeks on he's going flat out against it. It feels really unfair.

I thought I was doing the right thing for our family.

I am trying to provide for my family, that's all.

OP posts:
Gingerbreadman1972 · 10/03/2022 21:08

Surely he understands that most people don't get everything you want in the first house you buy. If you buy this house now, who knows, his lifestyle business may take off, and in a few years you may be able to consider room for ponies. Personally if I could afford to buy a house, I would do so rather than keep renting as who knows what the market will look like in the future

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 21:11

Is it the house itself that he's upset about, do you think, or the fact that he hasn't been afforded equal status in choosing it?

I haven't always worked during our marriage (periods of chronic illness early one, then rocky patches with our child's SEN and MH) and DH never treated me as anything less than an equal partner in our marriage. The idea of him telling me we're moving to a house he's bought, without me being as much in love with it as he is...well, he just wouldn't. How disrespectful.

If you don't want to be with a man who earns less than you do, you should leave him. Not treat him like a child because you've got a bigger bank balance.

Sparklesocks · 10/03/2022 21:12

It’s so funny to me that someone would want ponies and outbuildings for their first rung on the property ladder.

Kylereese · 10/03/2022 21:14

Sack the fucking idiot off is the short answer!

CowsAreNotGreen · 10/03/2022 21:15

It's not got all of his objectives (land, outside buildings for his stuff, room for ponies etc)

Ok there's a bit of both of you being unreasonable. You can't unilaterally decide where you're all living just because you're paying.
He needs to get real and a little more grateful you've worked so damn hard to be able to be in the position you are in.

Movingonup22 · 10/03/2022 21:17

I’d choose the house