AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

Did you spend some time trying to find a house you both liked? I think there’s a difference between him failing to compromise (which is what this sounds like) which is completely unfair, and you just picking a house you like with consulting him.

Has it actually said it’s him or the house? How did you get to such a situation? To me that seems such a shocking thing to say in this situation.

I am finding this post really confusing. You say he’s a wonderful dad, but you say he doesn’t do anything and hasn’t ever contributed. You say he pays the rent, but then you say he doesn’t contribute to anything. You say he has a ‘lifestyle business’ but then you say he works 7 days a week. And if you’re working to the point you can afford a £700K house, but that you do all the childcare. These posts don’t make any sense to me! But the overall takeaway is that you are clearly over the relationship. Which this is not.

Fucking hell, you've been together long enough. He doesn't want to live in a four bed house someone else has paid for and stop renting? He feels emasculated, basically. I'm sure you love him for many reasons but he is acting like a loser right now. Its him or the house? I'd ca his bluff.

Well if I was you I would pull out of the house, buy something much cheaper and reduce your working hours if it's making you ill. Nobody needs a £700,000 house.

This isn’t about the house. You’re done with him as a partner and are maybe subconsciously making decisions which drive him to leave you, or in this case declare an ultimatum. I think you should be honest with yourself and with him. However great a dad he is, he isn’t a great partner for you. He can still be a great dad and live apart from you.

Buy the house, leave the manchild and when you can pull back from the stressful job, although I suspect without the overhead if the manchild you’ll be in a much better place mentally.

@HappeeInParis

Did you spend some time trying to find a house you both liked? I think there’s a difference between him failing to compromise (which is what this sounds like) which is completely unfair, and you just picking a house you like with consulting him.

Has it actually said it’s him or the house? How did you get to such a situation? To me that seems such a shocking thing to say in this situation.

Yes we've been looking for years!! We've reached the conclusion that we simply cannot afford something that will fit the bill.

Hang on - if he works seven days a week, then how is he not earning enough to have been contributing properly?

Blimey. That’s a tricky one OP. It sounds like this isn’t just the house but more generally how you work together as a couple. I can relate to bits off it (except buying a 700,000 house - well done!).

Reading Fair Play (can’t remember the author), might help with sharing the load but not the house situation.

Have you sat down and really listened to his concerns? Is there more to it? He might be feeling uneasy about being dependent on you totally. If he’s been paying the rent 10 months out of 12 then he has contributed considerably. It also sounds like he works hard even if financially it doesn’t make the same money. The effort is there. He doesn’t sound lazy?

May be he’s feeling a bit powerless? May be try and get a session or two with Relate to talk it through?

@k80pie

Hang on - if he works seven days a week, then how is he not earning enough to have been contributing properly?

He's a farmer, they work extremely long hours for little financial reward.

No It doesn't sound like a partnership at all OP, and clear the house has brought things to a head. If what you're saying is accurate, I really don't see what he contributes - you resent him, you don't seem to like him much, so leave and enjoy your house.

Ponies ? Get him to do a quick google of colic/laminitis/cushings and then sweetitch, this particular condition means he will spend every spare waking hour fixing fencing and smelling of a variety of noxious substances from March to October every year. Or will pony care also fall to you ? Quite pleasant in the Summer if its dry a lot, not so much in the Winter and Winter with animals always feels a lot longer.
Don't get me wrong, love horses and ponies but cheap and easy to keep they ain't if you are in the least bit interested in their welfare. Only black eye I ever had was from flicking frozen pony poo up off the ground into my face !

Choose the house. He’s jealous and trying to sabotage you. Either he can sort himself out and live with you or he can go and look for something which fits all of his criteria on his own. If you really feel like you want to appease him, tell him you can rent it out and rent yourselves something else if he still hates it after you’ve moved in but I don’t think I’d bother.

He's a farmer, they work extremely long hours for little financial reward.

Calling that a lifestyle business like he’s a lazy artist is a bit unfair really. Especially as you’ve made out that you work out so much harder than him.

I feel its a bit of a pisstake that youve carried and birthed the children, looked after them, done all the life admin, the mental load, had a successful career, paid for pretty much everything, he never even married you and now youre buying a big beautiful family home, not only is it not good enough, he would also actually leave you for it??
Is he actually serious?

What do you want to do. Do you want to keep looking for a different house?

Feel sorry for you OP - you are clearly resentful, and burnt out through overworking…
BUT agree with @sadpapercourtesan - you are responsible for your own stress (ponies and private school are luxury, not necessities) and other posters seem to have missed that he has been paying rent so not entirely cocklodging.
You say you love him but you are are disregarding his opinion and acting autonomously just because you earn more. Sounds to me like the relationship is over.
Sad for you both… nice house isn’t everything

When you put it all together, earnings, mental load, childcare, housework, working hours, do you consider he is an equal partner in the relationship? Are you working as a unit or as two separate entities?

@Wrongkindofovercoat

Ponies ? Get him to do a quick google of colic/laminitis/cushings and then sweetitch, this particular condition means he will spend every spare waking hour fixing fencing and smelling of a variety of noxious substances from March to October every year. Or will pony care also fall to you ? Quite pleasant in the Summer if its dry a lot, not so much in the Winter and Winter with animals always feels a lot longer. Don't get me wrong, love horses and ponies but cheap and easy to keep they ain't if you are in the least bit interested in their welfare. Only black eye I ever had was from flicking frozen pony poo up off the ground into my face !

He’s a farmer so I’m sure he has an idea.

Ah sorry just seen he is a farmer, suprised he is so keen on ponies, cost you a fortune and make no money

@Annoyedtoomuch

Blimey. That’s a tricky one OP. It sounds like this isn’t just the house but more generally how you work together as a couple. I can relate to bits off it (except buying a 700,000 house - well done!).

Reading Fair Play (can’t remember the author), might help with sharing the load but not the house situation.

Have you sat down and really listened to his concerns? Is there more to it? He might be feeling uneasy about being dependent on you totally. If he’s been paying the rent 10 months out of 12 then he has contributed considerably. It also sounds like he works hard even if financially it doesn’t make the same money. The effort is there. He doesn’t sound lazy?

May be he’s feeling a bit powerless? May be try and get a session or two with Relate to talk it through?

Thank you

He's far from lazy. He's massively over worked.

The trouble is he finds talking very hard and can't or won't actually tell me what he feels. I don't he knows what he feels half the time. I try to talk to him but we sit for hours with him saying next to nothing and me exploding with frustration!

@Wrongkindofovercoat

Ah sorry just seen he is a farmer, suprised he is so keen on ponies, cost you a fortune and make no money

!!!!!

@Sharrowgirl

When you put it all together, earnings, mental load, childcare, housework, working hours, do you consider he is an equal partner in the relationship? Are you working as a unit or as two separate entities?

Not equal, but I think that's pretty common, no?

It's not got all of his objectives (land, outside buildings for his stuff, room for ponies etc) but sadly, my budget of £700k doesn't buy that around us.

By land do you mean land for farming? And buildings for his stuff you mean farming equipment?

What do you expect him to do with his time if he has no where to farm?

This is a weird relationship, sorry. I’m normally the first to say LTB, but how is he good enough to father your children but not good enough to marry? Where do you get off buying a house that he doesn’t like, regardless of his seemingly high standards? How on Earth have you saved enough money to buy a £700k house with a small mortgage and still pay private school fees? What’s stopping you getting a bigger mortgage with the ponies and land and no neighbours if that would suit the family better? If the sexes were reversed this would be a dreadful situation for the partner.

I feel like the fact he is a farmer and his job/life revolves around the land is a rather big main point you missed out of your OP.

@doodleygirl

Dump him, keep the house

This, and enjoy the results of all your hard work!