AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

[floatsomeandjetsum]

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

@loopycurtains

I don't think there's enough information for us to go on here. Did he do the bulk of the childcare etc? Is that why his career has stalled? If the inequality in your personal savings is because of that, then YABU. He deserves an equal say. Though asking for outbuildings and pony space is taking the piss. If he's just a slacker, then he can fuck right off.

No!! I've dealt with every aspect of the children, he probably does two school runs out of 10 per week.

@sadpapercourtesan

You should probably split up, then. You don't have the sort of commitment or equal relationship that living together requires.

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt

Yep, he'd be called controlling and any women who thought it was OK would be called cool girls/cool wives/whatever other nonsense that gets spouted

Cocklodgers are getting very selective these days. No longer content on have a woman cover their lodging, living & lifestyle, they are no longer satisfied with a 700k house!

He's not in a position to provide a house for his kids and partner but has the audacity to criticise you who can. Just wow!

How does he positively contribute to your life because it must be a hell of a lot if you don't think this is a reason to let him go?

As per PPs - does he contribute to family life?
Is this any different to a man who may be the main earner, paying for house, school fees, childcare, kids stuff, holidays etc?

Unless there is more to it than you are telling us…?

@Unsureaboutit9

You really don’t sound like much of a partnership, or even a couple really. Are you happy to loose 20 years together for this house? If so then it’s an idea time to let this guy go! He sounds very childish but mostly you just sound very separate. Didn’t you discuss the house before you put the offer in? I no it’s your money etc but I can’t imagine not discussing things with my partner and caring what eachother thinks (in your case that being him supporting you and congratulating you, but you shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction if you’d discussed this).

Sounds like because you pay for more things you think he should just put up and shut up.

I don't think that he doesn't have a say, at all HOWEVER he hasn't provided an alternative solution and I simply cannot afford what he wants.

@sadpapercourtesan

You should probably split up, then. You don't have the sort of commitment or equal relationship that living together requires.

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt

Depends what he does contribute though. I get the sense that he's not exactly a hands on stay at home dad either - just a feeling. Women tend to earn less anyway and often suffer loss of earnings because they are primary carers for DC. A guy living off his partner, while pursuing a 'lifestyle business', not contributing a penny to a family home, yet demanding that it be much more lavish than what his partner can afford, doesn't sound great to me. I have met guys like this and their wives/partners run themselves ragged while they leech off them. OTOH, women who earn less than their partners tend to do way more of the housework and childcare. I may be wrong of course and he may be a lovely SAHD.

From your posts you sound totally reasonable and I'd say you're in the right.

However just to offer another perspective, my dh is a higher earner than me however his ability to earn well is enabled by the fact I put my career on the back-burner and I do pretty much everything around the house and with the kids. It's an old fashioned arrangement really but I felt it worked well for us mainly because I'm lazy and unambiguous but far more tolerant with the kids than he is.

He recently mentioned he'd love to get to the point (earnings wise) where he could just surprise me with a house in a 'look what I've bought' sort of way. He was quite taken aback when I explained that I'd fucking hate that. That I'd still like a say in where we live and that by being the lower earner doesn't mean I don't get to join in with big decisions. Basically what he thought would've been a romantic gesture I would've found annoying and controlling.

As a disclaimer it was a completely hypothetical conversation because while he does earn more than me; it's not enough to buy a garden shed secretly never mind a whole house.

Is he not able to go on the mortgage and increase the money to spend on the house so that you can get closer to what you both want?

No!! I've dealt with every aspect of the children, he probably does two school runs out of 10 per week.

Yup, suspected as much...

Well done for working so hard and saving so much. If it were up to him you would still be renting when you retire, all that money wasted to benefit your landlord. If he wanted land and ponies he just have tried harder with a job that paid better so you both could have contributed to your future home. Now he's throwing his toys out of the pram because you made your own decision. Tbh if he told me to choose him or the house, I'd choose the house.

@sadpapercourtesan

You should probably split up, then. You don't have the sort of commitment or equal relationship that living together requires.

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt

I agree 100% with this.

Is he a wonderful partner?

That doesn't come through. It comes across as "I paid for it all and now he's making a fuss". It doesn't sound as though you feel you're equal partners in this relationship. Because if you are equal partners then you must respect his feelings, too.

The one big disagreement dh and I have ever had was over a house.

@Sparklesocks

It’s so funny to me that someone would want ponies and outbuildings for their first rung on the property ladder.

While contributing fuck all, from the sounds of it.

I know what I'd be keeping.

I'm curious to know if he has done the bulk of the childcare too?
What did he pay for? You sound like a high earner, so had you both decided which bills were yours, which were his? Is he actually a low earner, or just low compared to you?

And you probably could have got a mortgage years ago - you've clearly surpassed the amount you needed for the deposit. Why haven't you made the step earlier? Are you unsure of the relationship?

You sound resentful though- are you wanting out? It sounds like it

@noworklifebalance

As per PPs - does he contribute to family life? Is this any different to a man who may be the main earner, paying for house, school fees, childcare, kids stuff, holidays etc?

Unless there is more to it than you are telling us…?

No, I do bulk of housework and organise and pay the cleaners.

I do all shopping.

I do all kids admin.

I pay into the children's savings, he's not even put in a tenner towards them.

I have them at the weekends when he works (he works 7 days a week because of his job).

I make sure the children have shoes on their feet and food in their bellies.

I take them to the dentist.

Is he Hyacinth Bouquet's brother?

He sounds like he's being childish.and unrealistic.

99% of people don't have everything that they want in a house.

If he doesn't like it, he needs to contribute. Oh, wait.

He sounds like a vampire. Happy to live off you and cause problems but pulling you down into his issues. Not speaking to you for 2 weeks instead of having a reasonable adult discussion is ridiculous.

Has he always been so emotionally abusive and petulant?

Fuck. That.

Move out and leave him. What a twat.

This is really bizarre. I don't understand how you've managed to buy a house that your partner doesn't like - it sounds like you don't communicate at all. Tbh, I can understand why he's a bit miffed. Regardless of who makes the most money in a relationship, you're in a partnership and you have children together and surely you should make these kinds of massive decisions together as a family? Admittedly, his list of requirements does seem a bit bonkers, but I'm still not sure that it's particularly fair that you get to decide where you all live simply because you have more money to throw around.

Choose the house. He's passive aggressive in the extreme. Don't marry him or put him on the deeds. Get child maintenance and see him have a go at swimming in the sea. Stability over man child. A good father is the least to expect how about a good partner... Jeez it's amazing to have a small mortgage. You've done amazingly providing for your children. You're a bloody Trojan. Well done OP I'm in awe. You're doing amazingly. Keep going xx

You aren't married ? Can you afford this house without him ? Because if you can then I would say house. Security over sulking every time.

Just spotted your update. What is the point of him? What does he actually add that's positive to your life?!

@spotcheck

I'm curious to know if he has done the bulk of the childcare too? What did he pay for? You sound like a high earner, so had you both decided which bills were yours, which were his? Is he actually a low earner, or just low compared to you?

And you probably could have got a mortgage years ago - you've clearly surpassed the amount you needed for the deposit. Why haven't you made the step earlier? Are you unsure of the relationship?

You sound resentful though- are you wanting out? It sounds like it

I am resentful- I can't help it. I'm exhausted.

I'm on anti depressants because my job is so hard. I keep going so that I keep the show on the road.

@SuckIt

How have house prices escaped you and yet you’ve saved 700K??

My thoughts too