Page 4 | AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

floatsomeandjetsum · 2022-03-10T20:50:02+00:00

Ok, here are the main points, Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him. I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health. He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything. I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc. We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us. I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that. Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage. He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house. Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!! I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

loopycurtains · 10/03/2022 21:40

Well, in light of your answers about his contribution (or lack of) to family life, he hasn't got much of a leg to stand on. But, if it's not too personal, what's your relationship with him like generally? You don't sound like you think very much of him. Is this house purchase part of a bigger feeling from you around being fed up with him?

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:40

@Wrongkindofovercoat

You aren't married ? Can you afford this house without him ? Because if you can then I would say house. Security over sulking every time.

Yes absolutely- I'm completely financially secure without him. Because I've made it that way through bloody hard work.

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IJoinedJustForThisThread · 10/03/2022 21:41

He said it’s him or the house. Result - you get to keep your lovely 4 bed house all to yourself!
I’m amazed that you managed to save £700k AND pay private school fees. If I was you I would be exceptionally proud of myself. Lose the millstone round your neck and enjoy your lovely house.

Housinghelp321 · 10/03/2022 21:41

@Busybeetle

This is really bizarre. I don't understand how you've managed to buy a house that your partner doesn't like - it sounds like you don't communicate at all. Tbh, I can understand why he's a bit miffed. Regardless of who makes the most money in a relationship, you're in a partnership and you have children together and surely you should make these kinds of massive decisions together as a family? Admittedly, his list of requirements does seem a bit bonkers, but I'm still not sure that it's particularly fair that you get to decide where you all live simply because you have more money to throw around.

Does that sound like a partnership to you? He does fuck all and sponges off her.

loopycurtains · 10/03/2022 21:41

My last post crossed with yours, OP. It sounds like you may have reached the end of the road. Are you wanting out of the relationship? It sounds like you might have had enough.

comfortablyfrumpy · 10/03/2022 21:42

I'd take him up on his ultimatum.
(The house, definitely).

AngelinaFibres · 10/03/2022 21:42

You have emasculated him. His pride is hurt. However there doesnt seem to be a lot of meaningful communication in your relationship. If my DH and I had looked at a house , I hadn't demonstrated ,through words or actions, that I loved it, and he then announced that he had put an offer in and we were moving I would also be a bit wtf.

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:43

@Busybeetle

This is really bizarre. I don't understand how you've managed to buy a house that your partner doesn't like - it sounds like you don't communicate at all. Tbh, I can understand why he's a bit miffed. Regardless of who makes the most money in a relationship, you're in a partnership and you have children together and surely you should make these kinds of massive decisions together as a family? Admittedly, his list of requirements does seem a bit bonkers, but I'm still not sure that it's particularly fair that you get to decide where you all live simply because you have more money to throw around.

The thing is, I'm a partnership there's some equality.

If I was a high earning man, I MAY have a wife that picked up the woman's load.

I have the woman's load AND the financial responsibility. It's hard!!!!

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Sharrowgirl · 10/03/2022 21:43

He works seven days a week? How many do you work?

Travis1 · 10/03/2022 21:44

I’d take the house and send him on his way. How the fuck is he a ‘wonderful dad’ when he works 7 days a week and contributes fuck all to their upbringing?! He’s the actual definition of a cock lodger

Arabellla · 10/03/2022 21:45

Under no circumstances marry this man.

Dump him.

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 21:46

So you're resentful because you're flogging yourself to earn more and more and more money, and he's resentful because you treat him like another child instead of an equal partner.

You should take responsibility for your own exhaustion - your career is your choice, not his. Nobody needs a £700k house or ponies or private education. They're your priorities and your choices.

If you don't like or respect your partner, who clearly doesn't share your drive to amass as much cash as possible for he dies, then do the decent thing and split up with him.

C152 · 10/03/2022 21:46

My knee jerk reaction is to say choose the house over him. But you say he's a good dad and does contribute financially (paying the rent 10 months out of 12). So I guess you need to decide whether he's also the partner you still want. If he is, then try talking again with him about the reality of the situation - there is no way to afford absolutely everything on a wish list all at the same time, so you need to agree on items that are absolutely required and then go from there. Where does he see you all living if you don't buy this property? Continuing to rent? For how long? (Realistically, I think if you've got the money to buy somewhere now, I think that's the better option than continuing to rent.)

If you can't reach agreement, I don't see an alternative to separating?

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:47

@loopycurtains

My last post crossed with yours, OP. It sounds like you may have reached the end of the road. Are you wanting out of the relationship? It sounds like you might have had enough.

No, I love him. I'd like him to step up and be grateful for what WE have, I can't buy him a farm but we can have a secure family home.

FFS I'm incredibly grateful that we have a roof over our heads, many don't!

Its a beautiful house. The problem is that it's in a village, with SHOCK HORROR neighbours. He doesn't want any neighbours.

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Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:48

@C152

My knee jerk reaction is to say choose the house over him. But you say he's a good dad and does contribute financially (paying the rent 10 months out of 12). So I guess you need to decide whether he's also the partner you still want. If he is, then try talking again with him about the reality of the situation - there is no way to afford absolutely everything on a wish list all at the same time, so you need to agree on items that are absolutely required and then go from there. Where does he see you all living if you don't buy this property? Continuing to rent? For how long? (Realistically, I think if you've got the money to buy somewhere now, I think that's the better option than continuing to rent.)

If you can't reach agreement, I don't see an alternative to separating?

He wants me to pull out of house we're in the process of buying.

I'd find it highly embarrassing (we've told friends and family, who are very pleased for us) and I love the house.

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RandomMess · 10/03/2022 21:49

Do you have neighbours where you live now?

Can he not step up and start saving so in the future you can buy the dream home together?

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:50

@sadpapercourtesan

So you're resentful because you're flogging yourself to earn more and more and more money, and he's resentful because you treat him like another child instead of an equal partner.

You should take responsibility for your own exhaustion - your career is your choice, not his. Nobody needs a £700k house or ponies or private education. They're your priorities and your choices.

If you don't like or respect your partner, who clearly doesn't share your drive to amass as much cash as possible for he dies, then do the decent thing and split up with him.

I don't treat him as a child. I pussy foot around him!

But thanks for the different perspective

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Girlmumdogmumboymum · 10/03/2022 21:51

OP, he doesn't need to move there, let him stew in the mess he's created.

Start your new life, your stable life in your home, with your children. Leave him behind, where he belongs

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:51

@RandomMess

Do you have neighbours where you live now?

Can he not step up and start saving so in the future you can buy the dream home together?

No neighbours for about half a mile. We've been spoilt but it's rented!

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sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 21:51

No adult wants to live in a house that's been chosen for them by someone else, that they don't like and haven't had an input into choosing.

The house is just highlighting the inequality in the relationship and bringing it to a head. I couldn't live the way you're expecting him to. I would leave you to enjoy your beautiful house on your own.

felulageller · 10/03/2022 21:51

Keep the house. Ditch the cocklodger.

He's not a great dad btw.

Housinghelp321 · 10/03/2022 21:51

@sadpapercourtesan

So you're resentful because you're flogging yourself to earn more and more and more money, and he's resentful because you treat him like another child instead of an equal partner.

You should take responsibility for your own exhaustion - your career is your choice, not his. Nobody needs a £700k house or ponies or private education. They're your priorities and your choices.

If you don't like or respect your partner, who clearly doesn't share your drive to amass as much cash as possible for he dies, then do the decent thing and split up with him.

Well, he's the one pushing for an extravagant house. I wonder if he would have stuck around if OP worked a minimum wage job. My guess is no. He wants the material stuff without having to put in the work himself. And my guess is that OP wanted what was best for her kids and the whole family when she decided to do a stressful job. One thing that could have alleviated the stress would have been if her DP took on the lions share of the house admin and housework. But nope...

Unsureaboutit9 · 10/03/2022 21:51

It’s clearly not ‘we’ though, all you’ve gone on about is your money and how he’s done nothing. He’s not going to change after 20 years, he’s lazy and unmotivated, you are a martyr. If he wants to sulk about the house then just let him go, doesn’t sound like you have much of a relationship anyway. And you will be totally fine without him.

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:53

@Sharrowgirl

He works seven days a week? How many do you work?

5 days, most evenings though.

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Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:54

@sadpapercourtesan

No adult wants to live in a house that's been chosen for them by someone else, that they don't like and haven't had an input into choosing.

The house is just highlighting the inequality in the relationship and bringing it to a head. I couldn't live the way you're expecting him to. I would leave you to enjoy your beautiful house on your own.

That's fair. Thank you for pointing it out.

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