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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:08

@Unsureaboutit9

He's a farmer, they work extremely long hours for little financial reward.

Calling that a lifestyle business like he’s a lazy artist is a bit unfair really. Especially as you’ve made out that you work out so much harder than him.

It is a lifestyle business in that he's perfectly capable of having a high paying career but he wanted to farm instead.

I've enabled that bloody choice and subsidised our lives by my miserable work!!

OP posts:
Housinghelp321 · 10/03/2022 22:10

So when you say renting, you mean you’ve been leasing a farm? That’s quite different to just renting a house. And now he is being asked to give up his job (as there won’t be any land)? I think that puts quite a different spin on things. I think you should buy the house anyway as buying a farm is out of the question but it is a different set of facts to what was first presented because no way is farming a ‘lifestyle business’. It’s a 365 day a year job.

Housinghelp321 · 10/03/2022 22:12

But presumably farming is in his family? All the farmers I know come from long lines of farmers and it wouldn’t occur to them to do anything else, even if they could. Or is this literally a hobby he chose and expected you to fund?

k80pie · 10/03/2022 22:12

I would struggle if my partner worked seven days a week - not much family time, relationship time - for very little actual reward.

What was his preference, OP? To keep renting semi-rurally forever? It sounds like your goals were different and that home ownership was essential for you?

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:13

@MadKittenWoman

This is a weird relationship, sorry. I’m normally the first to say LTB, but how is he good enough to father your children but not good enough to marry? Where do you get off buying a house that he doesn’t like, regardless of his seemingly high standards? How on Earth have you saved enough money to buy a £700k house with a small mortgage and still pay private school fees? What’s stopping you getting a bigger mortgage with the ponies and land and no neighbours if that would suit the family better? If the sexes were reversed this would be a dreadful situation for the partner.
Yes a bit weird. Sorry.

I've been a high earner for about 10 years and saved hard.

I've lived my life for my children I suppose, they're my whole purpose and everything I do is driven by them. They're lovely and I'm very proud of them.

OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 10/03/2022 22:14

Did he force you to save nearly 700k that he has no rights to because you arnt married? Did he insist you pay to send the kids to private school? Or are these your choices? He’s obviously going to want a nice home as he’s use to your lifestyle (and obviously does earn some money as he pays rent 10 times out of 12) but maybe he’s just not as money obsessed as you are. Farming may not earn much money but it’s a respectable and essential career. Again, can he not get a joint mortgage with you? Obviously with you protecting your contribution, but it could give you the extra you need.

Sittingonabench · 10/03/2022 22:14

If you are paying for the house and it’s in your name then it is an investment and security for you. If you had an agreement that you were looking to buy somewhere together as a joint investment then that would be different.
I wouldn’t like to be made to live somewhere I didn’t like so I understand his perspective but equally I would understand the need for having a secure living arrangement and buying a place is definitely more secure.
Would you consider renting the house out but then he would need to contribute more evenly to rent and household expenses?

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/03/2022 22:14

You are clearly resentful of him. Your comments on his 'lifestyle' career choice and low income drip with it. I dont blame you if you are taking an unfair share of the load with a partner who wont work through problems with you because he wont talk. But if someone picked a house without consulting me, or bought one I did not like and expected me to live there, I would tell them to do one. He is not behaving well, but you have been massively disrespectful too.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:14

@k80pie

I would struggle if my partner worked seven days a week - not much family time, relationship time - for very little actual reward.

What was his preference, OP? To keep renting semi-rurally forever? It sounds like your goals were different and that home ownership was essential for you?

3 days holiday AT MOST per year, if we have one. It's a bloody nightmare and I've made a LOT of sacrifices over the years.

I holiday with the children without him.

OP posts:
Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 10/03/2022 22:15

Oh and the comments about not being married? Did you want to and he did not, and that has added resentment? If you have been together for 20 years and have kids I dont see why not being married would give one person the right to make a decision about the family life that the other was not happy with.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:16

@Housinghelp321

But presumably farming is in his family? All the farmers I know come from long lines of farmers and it wouldn’t occur to them to do anything else, even if they could. Or is this literally a hobby he chose and expected you to fund?
No, he's first generation farmer. He's educated (degree educated) and could have done other things easily.
OP posts:
Thighdentitycrisis · 10/03/2022 22:18

Is this a reverse?

justjuggling · 10/03/2022 22:18

I’d definitely be keeping the house.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:18

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

You are clearly resentful of him. Your comments on his 'lifestyle' career choice and low income drip with it. I dont blame you if you are taking an unfair share of the load with a partner who wont work through problems with you because he wont talk. But if someone picked a house without consulting me, or bought one I did not like and expected me to live there, I would tell them to do one. He is not behaving well, but you have been massively disrespectful too.
Fair points. Thank you.

We went to view the property together. We made the decision to offer together.

Now he's changed his mind massively but I've started the process!!

I feel like he's dropped me in it.

OP posts:
mswales · 10/03/2022 22:19

Finding out your DP is actually a farmer, working 7 days a week for little money, while still managing to do some school runs and pay the majority of your rent, casts this whole situation in a different light. You definitely have the right to feel pissed off and resentful that you do the vast majority of the mental load but the fact you're the higher earner and that your work is really difficult shouldn't come into it, it doesn't afford you any more status in the relationship or in family life decision making. He works just as hard as you by the sounds of it.
I can see it's really annoying he doesn't like any properties but you still have to decide together what family house you buy!
Working out how to share the mental load and childcare more equally is a separate conversation.

EmmaH2022 · 10/03/2022 22:19

I can't believe what I'm reading

You say he is a great dad, then list all the parenting you do alone.

Get rid.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:19

@Thighdentitycrisis

Is this a reverse?
No!! Tis me I promise! I hope you're not thinking that the woman can't be the breadwinner? Wink
OP posts:
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 10/03/2022 22:20

He has objectives? Then he can pay for them. He sounds like a piss taker.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:21

@mswales

Finding out your DP is actually a farmer, working 7 days a week for little money, while still managing to do some school runs and pay the majority of your rent, casts this whole situation in a different light. You definitely have the right to feel pissed off and resentful that you do the vast majority of the mental load but the fact you're the higher earner and that your work is really difficult shouldn't come into it, it doesn't afford you any more status in the relationship or in family life decision making. He works just as hard as you by the sounds of it. I can see it's really annoying he doesn't like any properties but you still have to decide together what family house you buy! Working out how to share the mental load and childcare more equally is a separate conversation.
Thank you - sounds fair.
OP posts:
k80pie · 10/03/2022 22:21

That sounds really hard OP and quite lonely.

Would you consider going to a counsellor to help you sort out what you really want going forward?

EmmaH2022 · 10/03/2022 22:23

@MadKittenWoman

This is a weird relationship, sorry. I’m normally the first to say LTB, but how is he good enough to father your children but not good enough to marry? Where do you get off buying a house that he doesn’t like, regardless of his seemingly high standards? How on Earth have you saved enough money to buy a £700k house with a small mortgage and still pay private school fees? What’s stopping you getting a bigger mortgage with the ponies and land and no neighbours if that would suit the family better? If the sexes were reversed this would be a dreadful situation for the partner.
If the sexes were reversed, it would be the same

One person doing the bulk of childcare and earning a substantial amount while the other doesn't.

friendlycat · 10/03/2022 22:23

Sorry OP but there are so many drip feeds here from your original post.

At first I was completely with you but the more drips coming in does change the dynamics.

Ultimately you sound very resentful which ok is fair enough but it sounds way beyond the fact that he’s changed his mind on the property you have offered on.

Perhaps now is the time to reflect on everything and not just the property.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 22:23

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

You are clearly resentful of him. Your comments on his 'lifestyle' career choice and low income drip with it. I dont blame you if you are taking an unfair share of the load with a partner who wont work through problems with you because he wont talk. But if someone picked a house without consulting me, or bought one I did not like and expected me to live there, I would tell them to do one. He is not behaving well, but you have been massively disrespectful too.
I am resentful. I can't help it.

I've done 22 years in a horrible stressful job. I'd much rather have done something else but it wouldn't have earned enough to support the family.

He's had a job he absolutely loves, for little reward. I am resentful of that unfortunately.

OP posts:
HeadacheEarthquake · 10/03/2022 22:24

He's a "crop-lodger"

HappeeInParis · 10/03/2022 22:24

I'd find it highly embarrassing (we've told friends and family, who are very pleased for us) and I love the house.

Not opining on what you should do- I think your later posts make it seem more complicated than it did at first- but wanted to say that the first bit of this really shouldn’t worry you. House purchases don’t work out all the time for all sorts of reasons. Loving the house is a reason to buy it but embarrassment definitely shouldn’t be.