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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

489 replies

floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 20:50

Ok, here are the main points,

Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him.
I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health.

He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything.

I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc.

We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us.

I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that.

Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage.

He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house.

Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

OP posts:
loopycurtains · 10/03/2022 21:17

I don't think there's enough information for us to go on here. Did he do the bulk of the childcare etc? Is that why his career has stalled? If the inequality in your personal savings is because of that, then YABU. He deserves an equal say. Though asking for outbuildings and pony space is taking the piss.
If he's just a slacker, then he can fuck right off.

OatmilkandCookies · 10/03/2022 21:18

I'm a bit confused - did he know you were making an offer, thus making it a joint decision, or did you go ahead and do it without telling him?
If its the former, he's being ridiculous. If it's the latter, I completely get why he's annoyed.

billy1966 · 10/03/2022 21:19

OP,
What exactly has he contributed to your life over the past 20 years besides sperm?

It is hard to answer the question as it's clear it hasn't been money that he has contributed.

Stripyhoglets1 · 10/03/2022 21:19

Yanbu - how does he expect to finance what he wants if you can't afford it and he doesn't have anything to add towards getting what he wants.
If say the same if it was the other way round as well. You buy what you can afford and thats that.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 10/03/2022 21:20

He’s furious that you’re in a position to buy and he’s not. Only an utter dick would object to a house because ‘ponies’ when not contributing a bean (wtf is a ‘lifestyle business’?). Utter dick.

Do yourself a favour, buy yourself the biggest new bed you can find and sleep like a single starfish.

doodleygirl · 10/03/2022 21:21

Dump him, keep the house

RandomMess · 10/03/2022 21:22

Well he can go buy/rent a place that he wants Confused oh and start contributing towards the costs of his DC.

LovedayCL · 10/03/2022 21:23

How is the rest of your relationship? I probably would see a solicitor if I were you, just to ensure the outcome you would hope for, should you split, is achievable.

ScrumpyBetty · 10/03/2022 21:24

So what has been his contribution over the last twenty years? You've paid for everything and have just bought a house outright, and he has contributed nothing and now says...he doesn't like it?
I'd be showing him the door.

HappeeInParis · 10/03/2022 21:24

He sounds like a spoilt child. Surely he understands the idea that you can only have what you can afford?

If he wants ponies, can he look into other ways of doing that (and pay for it himself!) such as livery.

Minfilia · 10/03/2022 21:25

Well I suppose if my DH bought a house that I didn’t like just because he’s the higher earner and expected me to move, I’d be fairly pissed off too.

But, we’re a couple, and we make joint decisions on big life events, as I imagine would most people 🤷‍♀️

It sounds to me like you’re two people living together with separate lives, not a couple or a family unit.

Housinghelp321 · 10/03/2022 21:25

Are you buying this house in your sole name? If you can, do so and then kick this fucker to the kerb. I mean honestly, he earns very little, doesn't contribute to the house purchase, yet wants land for ponies. I've never heard anything so fucking entitled. Get rid, I don't think you will regret it. The good thing is that because you're not married, you don't have to given him a penny!

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:26

@sadpapercourtesan

Is it the house itself that he's upset about, do you think, or the fact that he hasn't been afforded equal status in choosing it?

I haven't always worked during our marriage (periods of chronic illness early one, then rocky patches with our child's SEN and MH) and DH never treated me as anything less than an equal partner in our marriage. The idea of him telling me we're moving to a house he's bought, without me being as much in love with it as he is...well, he just wouldn't. How disrespectful.

If you don't want to be with a man who earns less than you do, you should leave him. Not treat him like a child because you've got a bigger bank balance.

We're not married though. If we were, I'd completely accept what you say.
OP posts:
Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:26

@Housinghelp321

Are you buying this house in your sole name? If you can, do so and then kick this fucker to the kerb. I mean honestly, he earns very little, doesn't contribute to the house purchase, yet wants land for ponies. I've never heard anything so fucking entitled. Get rid, I don't think you will regret it. The good thing is that because you're not married, you don't have to given him a penny!
Yes, my sole name.
OP posts:
SuckIt · 10/03/2022 21:27

How have house prices escaped you and yet you’ve saved 700K??

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:27

@HappeeInParis

He sounds like a spoilt child. Surely he understands the idea that you can only have what you can afford?

If he wants ponies, can he look into other ways of doing that (and pay for it himself!) such as livery.

We have ponies already, I bought land for them (with no contribution from him....)
OP posts:
Gladioli23 · 10/03/2022 21:28

Do you already have ponies? Otherwise I absolutely cannot comprehend why he'd think that was a suitable idea for a first home.

What does he contribute that improves the quality of your life (doesn't have to be material goods)?

sadpapercourtesan · 10/03/2022 21:28

You should probably split up, then. You don't have the sort of commitment or equal relationship that living together requires.

Not one of the women on this thread squawking about how spoilt he is would be happy if their higher-earning DH made a huge decision like this over their heads. It's not how you treat a life partner - married or otherwise.

There are actually other sources of value in human beings besides sperm and £££, btw. For those on the thread who are in doubt Hmm

Dilbertian · 10/03/2022 21:29

He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!!

You haven't said what he's contributing to the relationship.

Hollowtree3 · 10/03/2022 21:29

But that’s your choice of partner. If you want to stay with him as your partner, either marry him, or end it I think.

Electricbug321 · 10/03/2022 21:29

But you had three kids with him and share a life, you are a family. You should be making these decisions together no matter who earns what.

Who does most of the child care, life admin, cleaning, cooking?

Is he an equal partner in other ways apart from money?

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:30

@ScrumpyBetty

So what has been his contribution over the last twenty years? You've paid for everything and have just bought a house outright, and he has contributed nothing and now says...he doesn't like it? I'd be showing him the door.
He's paid the rent about 10 months out of 12.

I buy all food. We split the bills.

Like I said, I pay for the children (privately educated) he's never bought any clothes or uniform or such like.

I pay for all holidays, the family car...

OP posts:
Sharrowgirl · 10/03/2022 21:31

It sounds like you don’t think his opinion matters because you earn the money. There are plenty of women in his position and they wouldn’t stand for that.

Original poster
floatsomeandjetsum · 10/03/2022 21:31

@billy1966

OP, What exactly has he contributed to your life over the past 20 years besides sperm?

It is hard to answer the question as it's clear it hasn't been money that he has contributed.

He's a wonderful Dad.
OP posts:
Unsureaboutit9 · 10/03/2022 21:32

You really don’t sound like much of a partnership, or even a couple really. Are you happy to loose 20 years together for this house? If so then it’s an idea time to let this guy go! He sounds very childish but mostly you just sound very separate. Didn’t you discuss the house before you put the offer in? I no it’s your money etc but I can’t imagine not discussing things with my partner and caring what eachother thinks (in your case that being him supporting you and congratulating you, but you shouldn’t be surprised by his reaction if you’d discussed this).

Sounds like because you pay for more things you think he should just put up and shut up.

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