Page 19 | AIBU - help me with some perspective on this?

floatsomeandjetsum · 2022-03-10T20:50:02+00:00

Ok, here are the main points, Unmarried to partner, 20 years. 3 children with him. I've always earned well but in a career that's been hard and incredibly stressful. It's been a slog and come at a cost to my health. He's a fairly low earner, more a lifestyle business than anything. I've paid all childcare and school fees, all holiday clubs, music lessons etc. basically everything for the children I've paid for. All hobbies etc. We've rented for 10 years whilst property prices have almost escaped us. I've always saved hard, at great personal expense in that I've gone without in order to do that. Here's the problem - I've bought a house, which was always our plan. It's almost bought with cash from my savings (no inheritance and no contributions from him) and I've secured a small mortgage. He hates it and will not get on board, he's basically saying it's him or the house. Can I have a reality check please? He's contributing absolutely nothing to a big, beautiful detached 4 bed house, with a small mortgage (that I'll pay off in a few years) but it's costing me our relationship!! I feel so beaten. What's going on here???

Grenlei · 11/03/2022 12:27

IF any of this is true...

Most farmers rent their farmhouses/ farmland I think - I only know one personally but they're tenant farmers and the farm has been in their family for several generations. It's not usually the same as renting a house. A couple of other examples I can think of, on Clarkson's Farm IIRC Jeremy C took on the running of the farm himself because it had been tenanted for years but the previous tenant got too old...ditto the family on the Yorkshire Farm rent their farm long term.

So assuming (because I can't see this has been clarified) OP and her family currently live on the farm, there's no reason why they couldn't have continued to do so indefinitely.

If the OP wanted financial security, then why not buy one or more smaller houses 10+ years ago (maybe with the money from the sale of the business as a deposit, or her first £100k of savings) and have these as BTLs? Rent would probably have paid off the mortgage by now, giving an ongoing income plus an asset which they could retire to/ sell to fund retirement.

Doing that OP wouldn't have needed to work so hard, and being around more could have dispensed with the boarding/ private school thereby saving even more money. By now she probably could have given up work entirely and just used the income from the houses.

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 11/03/2022 12:28

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

Genuine question?

Yes, you've been asked a lot of those over the past couple of pages but are avoiding them. I wonder why. I don't really, I know why

Why not be a bit kinder? I'm a stranger to you. I was looking for help in a difficult situation, that's all.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 11/03/2022 12:30

He wants more than I can give him.

Does he, though, or does he want different things?

Does he want to move and buy a house or would he choose to continue living where you are with a rent he can pay?

Does he want to dc to be boarding at expensive schools and doing expensive hobbies with the price tag that comes with this, or would he be happy with a more modest lifestyle?

If he is paying all the rent and half the bills, then his career is adequate. He is not being supported. There is nothing wrong with choosing to do a job you love that pays enough.

If he is the driving force behind the expensive lifestyle, and he expects you to half kill yourself providing this, then I agree this is very unfair and you should not have to do this.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 11/03/2022 12:32

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Viviennemary · 11/03/2022 12:34

Of course he isn't happy with you making all the decisions because you are the one with the money. That's what is going on here.

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 11/03/2022 12:34

@Grenlei

IF any of this is true...

Most farmers rent their farmhouses/ farmland I think - I only know one personally but they're tenant farmers and the farm has been in their family for several generations. It's not usually the same as renting a house. A couple of other examples I can think of, on Clarkson's Farm IIRC Jeremy C took on the running of the farm himself because it had been tenanted for years but the previous tenant got too old...ditto the family on the Yorkshire Farm rent their farm long term.

So assuming (because I can't see this has been clarified) OP and her family currently live on the farm, there's no reason why they couldn't have continued to do so indefinitely.

If the OP wanted financial security, then why not buy one or more smaller houses 10+ years ago (maybe with the money from the sale of the business as a deposit, or her first £100k of savings) and have these as BTLs? Rent would probably have paid off the mortgage by now, giving an ongoing income plus an asset which they could retire to/ sell to fund retirement.

Doing that OP wouldn't have needed to work so hard, and being around more could have dispensed with the boarding/ private school thereby saving even more money. By now she probably could have given up work entirely and just used the income from the houses.

We do not live on the farm. We rent a separate (beautiful) property that has given the kids an amazing childhood.

I wanted to do my best for the children and to give them, and my DP the best lives I could.

Them having a good life is worth my misery at work. Don't we all do things we don't like for the sake of our kids??

Honestly I just don't get why people think I'd make this up, what do you want, my full name, address and payslips? Company number? Last set of accounts? Doctors records?

OP posts:

Original poster

floatsomeandjetsum · 11/03/2022 12:37

Thanks everyone- I'm checking out of this now as I think everything's been said.

Some really good advice in there which I shall reflect on. Thank you.

OP posts:

pickingdaisies · 11/03/2022 12:47

Good luck OP you've got some thinking to do.

Nickwinkle · 11/03/2022 12:47

A little sad that you're counting your marriage status as a main contributor towards your decision.

You've been together 20 years so I'm really struggle to understand why marriage would now become important at this point.

You're a long term committed couple and should be acting as such, married or not.

It's a family home so it's a family decision. If you can't see that then I do think you're BU

Grenlei · 11/03/2022 12:47

So you DON'T live on the farm - then your DP is paying the rent on his farm AND on a house?

Why couldn't you buy the house you currently live in if it's so beautiful and presumably your DP is quite happy there?

I don't know why I'm asking these questions as I expect there will be a smoke and mirrors answer.

As for doing things for the sake of our kids - I worked 12 hour days from when mine were tiny. But that wasn't to pay for private schools, it was to cover my mortgage and other bills, providing my children with the bare essentials. Not so that I could accrue over half a million in savings and pay 3 sets of boarding school fees.

Blossomtoes · 11/03/2022 13:00

@Viviennemary

Of course he isn't happy with you making all the decisions because you are the one with the money. That's what is going on here.

That’s ever so tough because that’s how the world works. He who pays the piper calls the tune.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 11/03/2022 13:23

Farm land is relatively cheap to rent.
If you wish to build on farmland you own generally you need to keep breeding livestock, live in a caravan for 5 years on site and prove you can make a living from the farm.

iPaddy · 11/03/2022 13:39

@Alliswells

"I know if I was a man and did this there would be outrage. I get that."

Yes if a high earning man did that to his dp who was a hardworking nurse there would be an absolute outcry

If they weren't married, he carried all the children in his body for 9 months, did the majority of housework and childcare and the nurse demanded that he buy her a hospital then yes, I'd add to that outcry

tkwal · 11/03/2022 13:56

I just read OPS posts again and had earlier missed her point that they decided jointly to offer on the house she is currently buying. Case closed. He is being unreasonable

ihavespoken · 11/03/2022 14:03

@sadpapercourtesan

So you're resentful because you're flogging yourself to earn more and more and more money, and he's resentful because you treat him like another child instead of an equal partner.

You should take responsibility for your own exhaustion - your career is your choice, not his. Nobody needs a £700k house or ponies or private education. They're your priorities and your choices.

If you don't like or respect your partner, who clearly doesn't share your drive to amass as much cash as possible for he dies, then do the decent thing and split up with him.

I agree with this

blueshoes · 11/03/2022 14:10

Good luck, OP. I believe you.

All the best and hope you get to the right decision for you and your family.

CharlotteRose90 · 11/03/2022 14:26

Get the house and leave him. You and your children Deserve so much more

Pluvia · 11/03/2022 14:33

This makes less and less sense the more it runs on. I'd assumed that the OP and partner were living in a farmhouse on a rented farm but now it turns out that they've been renting a 'beautiful' large isolated family home for the last decade, and also renting land to farm. Some bizarre decision-making going on here. Any time in the last decade it would seem that OP and her partner could have purchased a home of their own. There has to be a whole other side to the story that we're not getting.

implantreplace · 11/03/2022 14:36

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CrotchetyQuaver · 11/03/2022 14:53

Stick with your decision and proceed with the house purchase. I bet he'll move there with you.
I had similar 20 plus years ago with my husband, like you I was the one who earned the money and bought the house in my own name with a mortgage also just based on my salary as he didn't really earn anything. He bitched and moaned and wasn't at all happy, said he didn't like it but hell, it was the best one available to us in the budget I could stretch to. This continued almost up to completion day, it only changed when I sent him up there with all our garden pots which they'd said we could drop off a few days before completion. He came back and had completely changed his mind thank goodness. I had told him I was going ahead regardless and it was entirely up to him whether he came with us or moved back to his parents. If he didn't come there would be no option to move in later.

I would ask/hope that you are taking steps to protect your future investment as you're not married and you're buying in your sole name?

Let's face it, what's he going to do/where's he going to go/how's he going to afford it if he doesn't move to the new house?
The bit about land for the ponies is utterly ridiculous, and I say that whilst I'm sat shivering sheltering from the rain in a dirty stable I should have mucked out hours ago! Rented stables and grazing, not owned I might add. I'd love to be able to afford a house with land too, but like you it's financially beyond me!

Good luck with the move, this is so exciting for you and it's a great shame your OH is sucking the joy out of it.

AiryFairyLights · 11/03/2022 16:22

@Ikeptgoing

rebekuh where did OP say he pays all the rent on their current property and that he is subsiding her? She didn't. She said the opposite, she explains she is financially supporting him by far the bulk.

Yes she did about 3 pages in amongst the drip feed!

SquirrelG · 11/03/2022 19:10

I wanted to do my best for the children and to give them, and my DP the best lives I could.

Them having a good life is worth my misery at work. Don't we all do things we don't like for the sake of our kids??

Plenty of children have wonderful lives without their parent/s having to be miserable at work to provide it. You seem to think that having a good life requires pots of money being spent - it really doesn't. The way you speak about your partner's work choice says a lot about you. The people I know who had the happiest of childhoods also had parents who supported each other, and often Mums who didn't work much, and not in high paying jobs.

1Dandelion1 · 11/03/2022 20:17

Could you continue and then let the property so you have a foot on the ladder?

SueblueNZ · 11/03/2022 20:28

I realize Op has left the thread and I don't blame her.
I'd be saying to him. Find a farm you want us to live on. I'll invest, say $600 (leaving her a personal cushion) and you take out a mortgage for the several hundred pound difference. After all, he'll be saving on rent. That way the property can go into joint names and Op can downsize or give up work.
If he's not up for that plan then he's not worth staying with as he doesn't respect her contributions or value her wellbeing.

HikingforScenery · 11/03/2022 21:05

Good luck OP. I really feel for you having to work so hard to finance your partner’s lifestyle.
Hope you manage to make some changes