To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

well how are you going to move forward op?
you want your DH to confront his mother about her lack of generosity?
he wont

suggested above was to say No more gifts please
also i agree with the message about reusing recycling to her , sounds great to me

My MIL used to give vouchers, usually Boots so great for stocking up on makeup and perfume. She then drifted into re-gifting, so I received some truly awful tat she has collected herself. She has known me 30 years, knows my style and taste, but buys the most god awful costume jewellery.
My DH had a mild stroke last week, that’s Mother’s Day and her birthday sorted, a big donation to the Stroke Association.
DH is recovering well, but the last time she phoned me I got the “of course my situation is worse ..”. Well yes she has carers four times a day. Lives in granny annex of BIL house so has someone around all the time. I’m running

OP,

1. I agree with PP that you should leave your DH to handle all gifts for MIL going forward. If you wanted to be really nice, you could give him a reminder one week before that it's coming up and that you're not sorting it.

1. The exception to the above is to give her the perfume back for Mothering Sunday (and please report back!).

1. Act really excited for her next crap gift. "It's perfect! Wherever did you find it? I've been searching for one exactly like this, but unfortunately the shops only sell brand-new ones."

I’m all in favour of regifting especially if you like it even if it’s been rejected by the original recipient but not if it’s been used .

I’m not bothered about value of gifts to Tne giver only for the recipient. If you like them
I’d see it as a win

Around like a mad thing.
Sorry I’m ranting it’s been a bad week. Mother’s Day and my birthday next month are going to be non events with DH being out of action.

I had a simple solution to re gifting. I just threw them in the bin. Otherwise they would be still recirculating in 20 years. I suggest you stop feeling sorry for yourself. Go out and buy yourself a lovely present. Forget your MIL she is just thoughtless whether she does it on purpose or not.

YANBU.
OP, dump the shit in a charity shop and take a MASSIVE step back from buying for your in-laws. That's your H's responsibility.

@GirlMum93
I feel sad for you. How unkind. She would surely know that you'd notice the torn packaging and no tags. I think she's done it to make you feel less than her own kids and that behaviour shows her nasty side.
Have you ever mentioned it to your DH? Next time you see her you could possibly say that it looked as if someone had tampered with the packaging and would she know how that could have happened. Say they looked used.
Don't be afraid to ask her, after all, it's a really mean thing to do and I'd tell your DH to mention it to his mum that the gifts looked used and pre-opened. He surely doesn't want his wife to be treated to mangled gifts especially as she doesn't treat the rest of family like that.
Just do it. Pretend surprise that they don't look new.

One year my parents got individual Christmas gifts from dad's brother and wife.
Mums gift was a yellow flannelette sheet with a thick double seam down the middle. It was obviously a previously used and worn sheet and my Auntie Eileen had cut out the worn part and stitched sides to middle. It didn't even go down the sides of my brother's 2' 6" wide bunk bed.
Dad's pressie was a small grey floppy cardboard box with LOT 72 on a sticker on the side. It was full of odd shapes of metal tubing. We could never fathom out what it was but years after dad's death when mum downsized, we found the box and gave it to a jumble shop. Some time later we saw it in the window. It was a really ugly candle holder.
Some people 🙄...and this was a couple who both had v professional and well paid careers and no children. Meanness is a very unattractive trait.

My SIL is incredibly generous, to everyone except my daughter by a previous partner and me, who she clearly doesn't regard as part of her sanctified inner family circle. Her nadir regarding this situation was when one Christmas, at the same time she lavished my daughter by her brother and other family members with a head-high pile of pricey presents, she gave my older daughter a zip. Literally, a zip. No packaging, nothing to explain what it was. While the tag and packaging were AWOL, the zip did have a label. Some intense googling later, I discovered it could be used to create a tiny, plasticky bag. Needless to say, like many of her presents to us (a chipped, charity shop jug; a child's scarf for me of the sort you find on market stalls for 99p), it went straight into the bin/charity bag.
For more than a decade I used to bend over backwards to buy her personal presents I thought she would actually like, but bugger that for a game of soldiers. I've handed present purchasing responsibility for her back to my, self-confessed useless at gift buying, husband. It's never about the money spent, it's always about the complete lack of care and consideration.

I had this situation with my sister in law for a few years. Eventually, I kept her gifts for me to give her back at Christmas and on birthdays. I said “I liked it so much, I thought I’d get you one”. Her face was a picture 😂🤣

My point was that you can regift but when doing so you should do it if you think the recipient will actually like it. Also unused of course.

I do have family I am not keen on. Awful SIL who I send chocolate hampers to as she’s always on a diet….

I don’t understand why you are hiding your true feelings from your DH. Why shouldn’t he know how hurtful his mother’s actions are and how shitty it makes you feel when she gives you this worthless tat? Why should she get a single jot of credit in his eyes for giving you a so called ‘gift’ which is actually positively insulting? If you don’t tell him how you feel or appear pathetically grateful, he won’t know. You are actually covering up for her. As others have said, I’d never buy her another thing and let your DH handle it all - buying, wrapping and even remembering the date. if he’s like many men, he won’t even remember without being prompted.

My MIL bought me a bed coat “ had to look it up” straight to the charity shop quite envious of friends that have lovely kind MIL’S.

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

I think I’d be gifting them back.

I was thinking the same.

Surely your DH has noticed this if he's getting cash and his DS is getting expensive gifts?

Simple, you have 2 choices, either be grateful you get anything at all or just tell her straight that if she's going to give you secondhand/re-gifted stuff then you don't want anything because it makes you feel un-valued.

Make a hamper up with the regifted stuff from her.

@Kanaloa

I make the most effort with people, DH just sits back and relaxes doesn't have to lift a finger with gifts, especially with his family.

Also not sure why you allow this and cringe away from saying anything so as not to upset your husband when he obviously doesn’t care less about upsetting you. What are you the whipping girl for the family? Why are you letting them all treat you so badly?

Who is treating you badly OP other than the MIL? Does DH not give you thoughtful gifts either?

@MrsDamonSalvatore

I don’t understand why you are hiding your true feelings from your DH. Why shouldn’t he know how hurtful his mother’s actions are and how shitty it makes you feel when she gives you this worthless tat? Why should she get a single jot of credit in his eyes for giving you a so called ‘gift’ which is actually positively insulting? If you don’t tell him how you feel or appear pathetically grateful, he won’t know. You are actually covering up for her. As others have said, I’d never buy her another thing and let your DH handle it all - buying, wrapping and even remembering the date. if he’s like many men, he won’t even remember without being prompted.

He's like loads of men, he won't remember unless I prompt him which I won't be anymore.

@WhackusBonkus only MIL. I do get lovely gifts from DH but I wouldn't say massively thoughtful.

@Jack80

Make a hamper up with the regifted stuff from her.

I think some of the other gifts I did have to end up binning.

You need to remind your husband whose bed he sleeps in.

Jack 80
"Make a hamper up with the regifted stuff from her"

OP, please do this. That would surely settle her hash once and for all!

@KittenKong

I was once given a really scary China faced doll. They freak the hell out of me and who gives a 30 year old woman a dolly (I don’t collect dolls, teddies or weird things - or horror film props). It was seriously creepy.

So I have it to a local (to me) charity shop and hoped I’d never be asked about it.

Bugger me if they didn’t send it over to the branch of the charity store near the person who gave it to me - and put it in the bloody window. It was the same (brought abroad, still in the box).

I swear to god it was scowling at me every time I passed by (and it was there for ages - because it was so freaky). I assumed it had killed everyone in the first shop and had been moved on.

🤣

YANBU.

It's not about the gifts, it's showing you how little she cares.

I have a friend who is a charity shop bargain queen. We have excellent charity shops in our borough where wealthy people drop off amazing, nearly new items. She usually gives a charity shop present, but are gifts always in great condition and she finds things to suit the the person in their size or something they really want.

One can put a lot of time and effort into giving an environmentally friendly, nearly new charity shop gift.

Your MIL has not done this.