To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

My mil only gives me a card despite knowing the presents are gets are 💯 my efforts and she would not get things she likes / wants if left to DH. Let's just say it's not his strong point. She does do a Xmas gift, but last 4/5 yrs no birthday gift for me. It's weird. We get on and always have - around 14 years I've known her pretty well. I just ignored it, but have now stopped making so much effort for her.
My own mother is worse, she gives me token crap and spoils my siblings.

She is sending you a very clear message and it is contempt. I would never contribute anything to her present again and tell DH that he bins anything she gives him to give you or the DC.

@GirlMum93 - When he asked what “we” had bought MIL for Xmas after I had told him she was a non-person to me (above), he lost it. I said that he had had many months to prepare, and pointed out all of the presents I buy and that he only ever had to think of mine. He always fucked that up - if he bothered with it at all (I wrote my own thread about that a few years ago) and he could do his own side of the family. (Rang SIL and explained the deal. She understands and is very sympathetic.) I absolutely abdicated from gift buying/giving/reminding DH of birthdays for his side of the family. (I make up for his shitfulness by sending lovely DNs extra large gift vouchers with my name first!on the card. 😉) He has said “You didn’t tell me it was my mum’s bday” many times, only to be told “I am not your brain. Use your own.”

My MIL didn’t like me when my DP and I moved in together in 2020. For my birthday last year before I told my MIL I was pregnant she gave me a sun tan lotion with the little foil seal removed and the bottle was covered in the stuff, didn’t even try to hide the fact it was hers. I told her I was pregnant the next month and for Christmas she bought so much nice stuff for me. MILs really do pick and choose when they like you lol. I can’t get her to crawl out of my ass now as due date is two weeks away.

@Ionlydomassiveones

“Either I re-gift the next perfume or just don't bother with reminding DH about Mother's Day?? What shall I do.”

Don’t regift. Jesus that is just lowering yourself to her scummy standards.

Say to DH ‘look I know you don’t want to talk about it but that last lot of so-called gifts your DM gave me really hurt my feelings. They’re tatty and second hand so I’m done. It’s so disrespectful. If she can’t be bothered neither can I. If you want to get her stuff for Mother’s Day or her birthday that’s up to you but I’m no longer going to do it.’

Then walk away and for extra dramatic flare - have them nearby and throw them in the bin as you flounce off.

No argument. No negotiation. Don’t take any shit or feedback. You’ve made a decision to draw a line and that is it.

Very well said!

@peachy3

My MIL didn’t like me when my DP and I moved in together in 2020. For my birthday last year before I told my MIL I was pregnant she gave me a sun tan lotion with the little foil seal removed and the bottle was covered in the stuff, didn’t even try to hide the fact it was hers. I told her I was pregnant the next month and for Christmas she bought so much nice stuff for me. MILs really do pick and choose when they like you lol. I can’t get her to crawl out of my ass now as due date is two weeks away.

Me two with the pregnancy stuff. Soon as I told her I was pregnant I had never seen her so much. Still can't bring herself to text me or call me though, everything goes though DH.

My own mother does this to me. For her birthday I buy her something she wants or needs. Spend about £20.
I always get something completely random back. This year it was a small backpack. Clearly bargain bin. I have no use for it.

Thank you @Ikeptgoing nail on the head.

Next year say you don't want gifts you would prefer a donation to a specific charity that is close to your heart.

I just can't understand how you can say your husband adores your daughter but is happy for her to receive dirty used gifts.

If someone in our family did that to my girls, my husband would be disgusted.

Yet yours is quite prepared to pretend it isn't happening.

Very strange behaviour from an adoring father!

My sister does this and it makes me angry too although it's now become quite the joke between me and my DS's as we know it'll be crap we would never want/use from a charity shop before we even open it!

I once got a necklace from my mil- pretty cheap shell necklace. Later I saw her holiday photos and she was wearing it. 🤣

She remembered your birthday so be grateful. What is bad regifting is when your teenage son gets the present he bought his godfather the year before sent back to him as his only present. So not even surprised with regifting. There are also shops which sell stuff with these issues, opened boxes, ripped packaging etc - can you be 100% sure she has not bought these from these [places or even online selling sights where people sell new without tags. be grateful, you never know when you may need these things

I wonder how old she is? This can be a generational thing: my late MIL would always give me things she'd picked up from OAP club-sales/charity sales etc and was very much a "that'll do for so-and-so" mentality. I'd just shrug it off and our local charity shops always benefitted from her "generosity." But she was classic wartime generation and I genuinely don't think saw anything wrong with it. I did resent it if it she did the same thing for DD & DS, but she would usually consult my SIL on them, thankfully. But if age/generation/lack of means doesn't explain your MIL, perhaps a little "thrift gifting" by return, as others have suggested, might indeed get the message home....

Yes, and give him a very strict budget to adhere to.

My own mother has done this to me my entire life. Chalk it up to the narcissist. Give yourself the gifts you deserve.

Really, just don’t buy her anything. Let your husband buy her gifts

Sounds like a mean old bag, even if she doesn’t want to spend equal money on you as others something that is new and inexpensive would be politer. Either announce that you’re trying to decluttering and don’t want presents in future (even go as far as to say you’re fed up of people giving you their unwanted gifts) or suggest charity donations in your name for all your future presents from her? Definitely let your DH do the present shopping for her in future, or if he won’t go out and buy something you know she will not like, maybe she’ll get the message.

Give her the same type of gifts and spend waay less than you have been !

If she does this because she likes to be eco friendly then she’ll appreciate you doing the same
. If it’s because she’s short of money then she won’t have to feel awkward and
if she’s doing it because she’s just tight or, because she’s not your biggest fan , then she should have the same treatment.
Simples lol 😂

Send her your unwanted stuff in future.

People that have decent in laws are very fortunate. Mine was a bitch, myself and her son were married at 18 & 23 with a baby. So when she and FIL brought round a fridge freezer and rolled up huge cream shaggy rug I was blown away! Except the fridge/freezer didn’t work and the rug once rolled out had a burn hole the size of a dinner plate in the middle, I was so hurt and 48 years later can still feel the pain. 🌷

Give your DP the approximate gift budget your MIL spends on you both - and tell him that’s his budget to buy gifts for his parents (as their behaviour set the budget). He’s responsible for it. Don’t have anything to do with it. If majority of gifts aren’t suitable for you then they aren’t gifts. You are just the ‘I can’t be arsed taking it to the charity shop pile’.

That or I’d start saving all the things you want to declutter and gift them to her. Save them up year round. Tell DH you thought they’d be perfect for her. It’s the thought that counts right??

She gets you something. I get nothing from mine.

I have had this from a very close friend - on one of my significant birthdays she gave me a huge electric blue tote shopper - saying as I unwrapped it - I just love the colour! It was too big for everyday use and I knew it was just going to fill a space in the bottom of my wardrobe, it was M&S so I took it to my nearest store to exchange it for a more useful size. It was 4 years old and I was unable to exchange it. I have had other events with my same friend. I always take us both out for a meal or a theatre visit to celebrate her Birthday. Shared memories. We agree on what to do and I book it. I would gloss over it if possible, don't lower your standards to her levels. Just never gift her anything personal, just generic age related products - face cream perhaps?

It doesn’t matter. Move on.