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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at secondhand gifts?

418 replies

GirlMum93 · 10/03/2022 00:03

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....?

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used)

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all Sad

OP posts:
Pyewhacket · 11/03/2022 19:25

@Yaya26

I wouldn't care less. I'm a grown up and can buy my own stuff. Also she's your MIL not your Mum. I'd wouldn't expect her to as generous or thoughtful towards me as her own children (especially if you don't have a great relationship. Very small thing to get annoyed about.
Yep, agree with this 100%.
TatianaBis · 11/03/2022 19:26

The plus side is you don’t have to spend any of your money on her presents. Just regift to her everything she gifts to you. It will be fun.

Ori18 · 11/03/2022 19:34

My very wealthy Aunt does this. She gives out second-hand games as presents, things like tiddlywinks sets - to adults. Items that have clearly been over-used. A make your own kids memory box - to my 68yr old mum at Christmas. I feel embarrassed for her.

There is thought behind the gifts - not of the person she’s gifting to but of her saving money. And she expects everyone to be very grateful. A diary with coffee stains on it, a paper-aeroplane set that looks like it belongs back in the 60’s (again given to another adult.) A dog-eared book about something obscure that no-one’s ever heard of. A set of spoons from a church jumble-sale.

I swear she rummages around her massive country mansion & literally finds old toys/sets etc that are lying in the shadows & wraps them up as presents. It’s really awkward & no-one quite knows what to say.

I think people who do this also don’t really care whether you know - they’ve saved money & that’s all that matters

Mumontour85 · 11/03/2022 19:34

I would 100% be regifting them back to her at Christmas. Infront of everyone.

Bertiebiscuit · 11/03/2022 19:35

If she thinks these presents are fine for you, pay her back in kind - get the cheapest tackiest things you can find in charity shops and see how she likes that - what a dreadful woman

KittyMcV · 11/03/2022 19:37

You are NOT being unreasonable. It's fine to have a mutual understanding of something small and thoughtful, but the items you describe are not thoughtful. This has happened to me and after trying for years to 'manage' the situation, I eventually told the people in question that I was no longer doing presents, and instead we'd go out for a nice lunch or dinner, go dutch and we'd have a 'date' for each-other's birthdays.

B0bafett · 11/03/2022 19:40

I have regifted before. When on maternity leave and skint I won GHD straighteners in a Rakuten Facebook competition. I gave them to my brother’s gf saying I’d won them but I thought she’d like them and I was skint. She was really touched and happy to receive them.

Similarly when I bought my 1st house on my own my brother replaced my downstairs wc for me. Money was tight and he wouldn’t take anything from me. I won a DS at a work event so I gifted it to my nephew. He was chuffed.

Brother has had some hard times in austerity and sister has her 1st house. When I won a £500 prize for plumbing goods, he got a radiator and she replaced a wc the step kids had broken. Again both were pleased.

I don’t think the regifting is the issue, it’s the thoughtlessness of the gift. I always try and gift something I know they’ll love. I pride myself in being good at presents and have reduced people to tears of joy with presents.

Pandagirl71 · 11/03/2022 19:41

my ex mil used to give her DCs a huge sack of stuff on xmas. Me and my DS ( her step GS) got real crap. An example were some mouldy smelling books from 1984 ish( from cereal box tokens) so bad we binned them. Not even wrapped- in a sainsbury carrier bag folded over. I got cheap out of date chocolate!! My DS got wrapped gifts and cash....

TatianaBis · 11/03/2022 19:41

@Ori18

My very wealthy Aunt does this. She gives out second-hand games as presents, things like tiddlywinks sets - to adults. Items that have clearly been over-used. A make your own kids memory box - to my 68yr old mum at Christmas. I feel embarrassed for her.

There is thought behind the gifts - not of the person she’s gifting to but of her saving money. And she expects everyone to be very grateful. A diary with coffee stains on it, a paper-aeroplane set that looks like it belongs back in the 60’s (again given to another adult.) A dog-eared book about something obscure that no-one’s ever heard of. A set of spoons from a church jumble-sale.

I swear she rummages around her massive country mansion & literally finds old toys/sets etc that are lying in the shadows & wraps them up as presents. It’s really awkward & no-one quite knows what to say.

I think people who do this also don’t really care whether you know - they’ve saved money & that’s all that matters

I love this. You should embrace the fun of it.

“Oh my god I’ve always wanted a coffee-stained nightie/knitted dog-warmer/chipped Keith Chegwin mug”.

Pandagirl71 · 11/03/2022 19:43

sorry my DD got the cash as I think she was considered "blood" relative.
I see it as a passive aggressive way of addressing their dislike op!

PussInBin20 · 11/03/2022 19:43

You have a DH problem as well as a MIL one. I don’t know how you haven’t sat down and pointed it out to him, saying how upset you are.

Personally I think he knows but just doesn’t want to face it so he doesn’t have to do anything about it.

Time to leave the present buying to him.

Mooloolabababy · 11/03/2022 19:52

Agree with pp and just don't make any effort at all with her, I wouldn't remind dh about Mother's Day, birthdays etc and let him deal with it all. Totally disengage and charity shop the shit gifts she's bought for you, I wouldn't bother regifting them to her, just leave it to dh to sort everything.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 19:54

@Mmmmdanone

I once got a necklace from my mil- pretty cheap shell necklace. Later I saw her holiday photos and she was wearing it. 🤣
How embarrassing!! Did you confront her?
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 19:58

@HanSB

It's hurtful but I would accept that's how she is and not put any effort into her gifts either. Some people are just like this and don't see that they are doing anything wrong. I would rather receive nothing than be insulted. I have a friend who earns a lot - over 300k - and gives us random rubbish but always looks very pleased with herself. For Christmas she gave my 1 year old a handful of Celebrations chocolates in a sandwich bag! There's no changing some people so don't let it get to you.
Jesus. Same with MIL. She will buy a bag of chocolate coins and then open them and put one or two each in Xmas stockings or wrap up. MIL and FIL are millionaires I should add (couple of million).... sorry if that's slight game changer.
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 19:59

@PussInBin20

You have a DH problem as well as a MIL one. I don’t know how you haven’t sat down and pointed it out to him, saying how upset you are.

Personally I think he knows but just doesn’t want to face it so he doesn’t have to do anything about it.

Time to leave the present buying to him.

He is absolutely aware yes. He doesn't know how to deal with it. He won't upset his mother. He will allow others to upset her but as long as it's not him.
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:03

@Ori18

My very wealthy Aunt does this. She gives out second-hand games as presents, things like tiddlywinks sets - to adults. Items that have clearly been over-used. A make your own kids memory box - to my 68yr old mum at Christmas. I feel embarrassed for her.

There is thought behind the gifts - not of the person she’s gifting to but of her saving money. And she expects everyone to be very grateful. A diary with coffee stains on it, a paper-aeroplane set that looks like it belongs back in the 60’s (again given to another adult.) A dog-eared book about something obscure that no-one’s ever heard of. A set of spoons from a church jumble-sale.

I swear she rummages around her massive country mansion & literally finds old toys/sets etc that are lying in the shadows & wraps them up as presents. It’s really awkward & no-one quite knows what to say.

I think people who do this also don’t really care whether you know - they’ve saved money & that’s all that matters

Jesus gets worse!!
OP posts:
Imabitbusyatthemoment · 11/03/2022 20:04

In a situation where there aren’t any money issues, I actually think no gift at all is preferable to someone’s obvious cast offs.

My MIL once gave me a £10 Boots voucher for Christmas. Sounds ungrateful but within the context of everyone else getting generous and personal gifts, it was a clear and deliberate insult.

Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:04

@Bleachmycloths

Send her a text/note/message saying something like: ‘Thank you so much for the x y z. It’s lovely. It’s great to see things bring regifted and recycled. So good for the environment. I wish more people did this then the world would be a better place. Love ‘your name’ xx
I wish I had the guts!!!!
OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:06

@Imabitbusyatthemoment

In a situation where there aren’t any money issues, I actually think no gift at all is preferable to someone’s obvious cast offs.

My MIL once gave me a £10 Boots voucher for Christmas. Sounds ungrateful but within the context of everyone else getting generous and personal gifts, it was a clear and deliberate insult.

Same with me. SIL (my DH's brother's wife) always gets the amazing gifts as does BIL and DH. She literally had not spent a penny on me for my bday this year... she is very passive aggressive, makes it clear she doesn't like me.

No thanks was given to her for the 'gifts' so I'm probably in her worse books even more Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:07

@April506

Wondering why so many people are so obsessed with utterly pointless gift exchanging If you want to blow 100 quid on someone do it with good grace and expect nothing in return. If you're on the bones of your arse poverty I can understand life is unfair but hey ho. Good luck all
But the thing is all it takes sometimes is to spend £5 on a candle that is UNUSED. Not £100 on someone.

From MIL I would love that Grin

OP posts:
Imabitbusyatthemoment · 11/03/2022 20:09

@B0bafett

I have regifted before. When on maternity leave and skint I won GHD straighteners in a Rakuten Facebook competition. I gave them to my brother’s gf saying I’d won them but I thought she’d like them and I was skint. She was really touched and happy to receive them.

Similarly when I bought my 1st house on my own my brother replaced my downstairs wc for me. Money was tight and he wouldn’t take anything from me. I won a DS at a work event so I gifted it to my nephew. He was chuffed.

Brother has had some hard times in austerity and sister has her 1st house. When I won a £500 prize for plumbing goods, he got a radiator and she replaced a wc the step kids had broken. Again both were pleased.

I don’t think the regifting is the issue, it’s the thoughtlessness of the gift. I always try and gift something I know they’ll love. I pride myself in being good at presents and have reduced people to tears of joy with presents.

Absolutely NOT the same thing. How lovely and thoughtful you were.
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:16

Agree with @Imabitbusyatthemoment

@B0bafett that is so thoughtful, but yes not the same thing at all Smile

OP posts:
Aaaabbbcccc · 11/03/2022 20:16

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?
“Economically friendly” I love that. Aka CHEAP
Original poster
GirlMum93 · 11/03/2022 20:17

@Aaaabbbcccc yep

OP posts:
Jewel52 · 11/03/2022 20:30

@1forAll74

I think that you should be grateful for anything. mentioning torn packaging and what you consider the price of things, is not nice at all, and to mention what you have spent on her at times, is quite irrelevant.
Grateful for anything, fuck off! So if a family member gives you a half eaten sandwich that’s just all good! You’re just being ridiculous and sanctimonious. In reality if you value someone you don’t give them your tat. And it’s nothing to do with money, it’s about a thoughtfully chosen gift that shows you know what they like. Parcelling together the stuff you don’t want is sending a very clear message that you don’t give a shit about their feelings