To be upset at secondhand gifts?

[GirlMum93]

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

Why don't you tell her? If you don't she willjeep doing it thinking it is okay. It is not up to your DH to tell his mum, it is up to you to stand up for yourself. And remember you are fortunate to have a MIL, some of us don't!

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday

Sorry but imo you are being unreasonable to expect anything at all. Sure it'd be nice, but 'expected' is a bit much. Mind, my PIL rarely recognise their own dc's birthday, much less mine or our dc so maybe I'm biased. I know dh doesn't 'expect' anything from my folks though.

GirlMum93 re your reply re the jumper I was tempted to feel sorry for her until I read this - now I wonder if it is deliberate on her part.

I've experienced similar but from my bil and sil. Sil clearly doesn't like me and begrudges spending a penny on me so often doesn't. I get gifts that have clearly been regifted and its always stuff I will get no use out of eg, ponchos or shawls that I just don't wear or a size 12 jumper when I was a size 8. I don't even bother opening the gifts anymore (dh does) and they go straight to charity. It annoyed me when Dh would still want to spend £30-50 on her because we don't need to stoop to their level. I kicked an almighty stink and he decided or had no choice but to listen. They are stingy towards our kids too yet when their son was an only child sil would make a point of saying what they wanted us to buy. I asked her why she never asked me what my kids were into or would like and she went quiet and got embarrassed infront of mil. The annoying thing is I've suggested that we stop doing adult presents time and time again as there are more children now and they've always refused.

It's hurtful but I would accept that's how she is and not put any effort into her gifts either. Some people are just like this and don't see that they are doing anything wrong. I would rather receive nothing than be insulted. I have a friend who earns a lot - over 300k - and gives us random rubbish but always looks very pleased with herself. For Christmas she gave my 1 year old a handful of Celebrations chocolates in a sandwich bag! There's no changing some people so don't let it get to you.

Think I’d write on her Christmas or Birthday card that you are following her example of saving the environment by recycling and now decided to recycle her gifts.
Thank her for putting this idea into practice.

I would turn it back on her, the miserable old so and so.
E.g. Toiletries that have been opened : Oh dear, MIL, I think you have been scammed as this has been opened previously.I do hope you have kept the receipt.
Used clothing: Oh dear, MIL, I hope you have kept the receipt as this has obviously been worn before. Etc.
I have had 2 mothers-in-law, both absolute darlings. I feel so sorry for those of you with difficult/mean ones.

I'd just do it back to her. Problem solved.

I think, that- if you make an issue of it, it becomes an issue.
She knows you know and you know she knows you know.
So, just let it go, don’t make a fuss dont draw attention to this mean habit and let it go.

Be the better person and just accept that’s how she is.

@GirlMum93 Stop being so generous to her on her birthday and her gifts to you, straight to the chazzer (as long as they are in saleable condition). Her behaviour is not about you, it's about how she's feeling about herself, in comparison to you. She's just a mean old cow.

She’s actually putting plenty of thought into your gifts - of the unpleasant kind. It’s pretty straightforward to get a nice simple gift for someone even if you can’t throw a lot of money at it (which is not the case here). She’s deliberately finding shit gifts to get her point across. She’s a nasty woman and her son is a drip.

In your shoes: no more gifts to her. DH to do it and if he doesn’t, we’ll that’s too bad. Give your honest reaction to anything she gets for you. Call her out. And give that twat of a husband of yours a kick up the arse because he is ALLOWING you all to be treated badly, he’s condoning it, and that’s not bloody acceptable.

I once had a scarf from a friend for a birthday present with a curry stain on it. I love that scarf.

@GirlMum93

Feel awful but just want a couple of opinions on this if I may….

It was my birthday last week and MIL sent some gifts home to me (didn’t hand deliver got my DH to drop them off to me).

Don’t have a massively great relationship with MIL, perhaps that’s the reason she doesn’t feel she wants to spend at least a pound on me.

It’s pretty obvious they are regifted. For example I got:

⁃	a mini next perfume that has obviously been taken out the box (tape looked to have been removed so the box looked ripped under where the tape should have been) and the plastic packaging you usually get with it has been removed. It smells lovely though. 

⁃	a handbag without a tag that is pretty obviously been given away as one she no longer wanted. But is that not something quite personal to buy someone? It’s a handbag I would likely never use....? 

Last Xmas I got from her:

⁃	A portable hand mirror without a box or tag- the ones you usually get in the perfume boxes free. 

⁃	a small pocket diffuser with a ripped box (looked to be smelt and then boxed back up) I have seen them in primark for £0.99 

⁃	hand cream without the seal on it (looks to be used) 

So after reflection no money was spent on me at all for my birthday when I have looked back?

AIBU to want at least one item expected to be bought for me for my birthday and not re-gifted if I likely spend money on her?

Why is it so difficult to expect just so little? Me and DH spend at least £60+ on MIL for birthday. My DH gets £100 in cash as well as other presents bought for him- tagged… also the SIL gets the cash and iPads… (?!)

I do feel really ungrateful and feel awful but it’s really upset me and I don’t know why. Sometimes I’d rather not get anything. No effort had gone into it at all

My MIL didn't even text me saying Happy Birthday this year hope she doesn't expect to come round for newborn cuddles in April, horrible MIL's!

@Player001

Yeah I would play the game. Gift it all back and make sure she opens the gifts in front of others. The look on her face will be priceless.

Totally agree, OP you must do this. You could say to DH that there is something that you would like for a present, next time and make sure he knows exactly what it is, so he cannot make a mistake, for example new red sweater in M/S with pocket (or whatever). See if you get anything normal next time. As for the children's, I would make a point of showing the rest of the family what she gave them, "Oh, look what my DC had from granny!"

@ChaToilLeam

She’s actually putting plenty of thought into your gifts - of the unpleasant kind. It’s pretty straightforward to get a nice simple gift for someone even if you can’t throw a lot of money at it (which is not the case here). She’s deliberately finding shit gifts to get her point across. She’s a nasty woman and her son is a drip.

In your shoes: no more gifts to her. DH to do it and if he doesn’t, we’ll that’s too bad. Give your honest reaction to anything she gets for you. Call her out. And give that twat of a husband of yours a kick up the arse because he is ALLOWING you all to be treated badly, he’s condoning it, and that’s not bloody acceptable.

Agree with ^ this absolutely right

Totally agree!

Put them on Facebook free site and then send her the link. Say thank you for making you charitable. That way you’ll not receive them in future. There are some people in this world you cannot exchange gifts with

@Chloemol

Leave all present buying for your in laws to your husband, including Mother’s Day

Tell the in laws not to buy you birthday or Christmas presents moving forwards, and tell your parents and family not to buy for your dh

I have no idea what my mother in law's birthday was and my husband had no idea what my mother's was. Similarly neither mother knew the birthday of the person they weren't the parent of.

It never occurred to me that either of us should be responsible for buying presents for the other's family or to expect presents from them.

Wondering why so many people are so obsessed with utterly pointless gift exchanging
If you want to blow 100 quid on someone do it with good grace and expect nothing in return.
If you're on the bones of your arse poverty I can understand life is unfair but hey ho.
Good luck all

Do not buy any presents or cards for your DH family.Tell him you are finished with it .If he wants to buy them that’s fine if not tough.Nothing to do with you.Awful women.

@Sceptre86

I've experienced similar but from my bil and sil. Sil clearly doesn't like me and begrudges spending a penny on me so often doesn't. I get gifts that have clearly been regifted and its always stuff I will get no use out of eg, ponchos or shawls that I just don't wear or a size 12 jumper when I was a size 8. I don't even bother opening the gifts anymore (dh does) and they go straight to charity. It annoyed me when Dh would still want to spend £30-50 on her because we don't need to stoop to their level. I kicked an almighty stink and he decided or had no choice but to listen. They are stingy towards our kids too yet when their son was an only child sil would make a point of saying what they wanted us to buy. I asked her why she never asked me what my kids were into or would like and she went quiet and got embarrassed infront of mil. The annoying thing is I've suggested that we stop doing adult presents time and time again as there are more children now and they've always refused.

Well done for calling her out on the gifts (or lack of same) for the children. People like that, and the MIL in the OP's case rely on nobody ever challenging their crap.

Gift it all back for Mothering Sunday from your DH.

Tell him if she's unhappy with it, then he can talk to her about her treatment of you.

I feel like this is a MIL power move… mine pulls similar stunts…. Gift them back about a year later

@SkyeT

Honestly, I don't see the problem with regifting or 2nd hand gifts. I've done it before and never out of spite or because I don't care about the receiver. I do it because it more environmentally and economically friendly. It's the thought that counts, surely?

I have given charity shop gifts but only things that are actually new with tags/packaging. Same with regifted items, only new/unused things. What this MIL is doing is downright disrespectful and miserly. If I was getting this league of second hand gifts (used, opened) I would be telling the giver not to bother with gifts especially if it was a frequent thing.

Send her a text/note/message saying something like:
‘Thank you so much for the x y z. It’s lovely.
It’s great to see things bring regifted and recycled. So good for the environment. I wish more people did this then the world would be a better place. Love ‘your name’ xx