Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

241 replies

Grapeflavour · 09/03/2022 20:20

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 09/03/2022 20:28

are there any low cost hot desking spaces near you?
I rent one for ten days a month - £120, but a lot of people would spend that on travel; mine is a ten minute walk from hone.
Nice quiet space, excellent coffee, community events and lunch now and then, people to break off and have a chat if you want to. Life changing!

SpacePotato · 09/03/2022 20:29

Reading between the lines, are you actually compatible? He's happy to not leave the flat and you want more than that.

Could he sell his part share and buy something with you? Does he want children?

BulletTrain · 09/03/2022 20:31

Look for a hybrid job that mixes WFH and office? It's saved my sanity.

midlifecrash · 09/03/2022 20:31

It does sound a bit miserable. Do you mind if I ask
Where were you living before?
Is there any option to work at your workplace 1 or 2 days in the week
Are you aiming to get somewhere bigger together?

cansu · 09/03/2022 20:33

Live elsewhere? Find a job in an office?
There aren't many options. One of you needs to work outside the home or you need to live elsewhere. Where did you live before the pandemic?

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 09/03/2022 20:35

@SpacePotato

Reading between the lines, are you actually compatible? He's happy to not leave the flat and you want more than that.

Could he sell his part share and buy something with you? Does he want children?

He wants to leave too but we can't afford anything much better. There are some ongoing legal/defect issues with the building we live in that is making the flats difficult to sell (the only one that has sold in the past year or so went to investors at half its market value because the owners just wanted rid). It's not likely to be resolved for 2-5 years.
OP posts:
killerofhouseplants · 09/03/2022 20:39

Sod that, been there done that, it was bloody miserable. If your employer still has an office is asking to go in a day or two a week an option?

Or look for a new job? Hot desking space like a PP suggested?

But it sounds like you need a long-term plan to get out of that flat whatever happens in the short term.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/03/2022 20:41

Look at co-working spaces near you. Even if it's one or two days a week, change of scenery

tara66 · 09/03/2022 20:42

Get an office job and some form of your own transport?

spotcheck · 09/03/2022 20:44

But if you're working from home, you guys can live anywhere. Surely you can go to a more affordable area?

Pyri · 09/03/2022 20:45

Rent your flat out and rent a new flat

Boxowine · 09/03/2022 20:47

Do you have to work from home? Do you have the option of going back to an office? I know many people prefer wfh but I personally am not in love with it. I don’t enjoy commuting to work but I find that I am more productive in a structured office, plus I miss people. You might benefit from spending some time in another environment, even if it is a library or cafe. Unless you have to take phone calls.

luxxlisbon · 09/03/2022 20:48

I don’t understand why you seem to be blaming him for this since you can’t as a couple afford to live anywhere else.

ErickBroch · 09/03/2022 20:50

I get the problem OP. Cladding means your flat is worth 0 and can't sell as nobody can get a mortgage. SO means you likely can't sub-let. My friend is in the same situation and it's awful - i feel so, so sorry for her.

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 09/03/2022 20:51

Before this I was living in a houseshare for a couple of years, but was going to an office 4 days a week, and had a social life. I was in a better area where I could get out of the flat easily if I needed space; lots of cafes, big library, several parks, a nice gym with yoga studio and pool. Better transport connections to other places/where my friends live.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 09/03/2022 20:53

OP, I think you should move out. If you cant afford your own place then house share. Might give you more independence and freedom? I also echo other suggestions about hot desking.

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 09/03/2022 20:56

@ErickBroch

I get the problem OP. Cladding means your flat is worth 0 and can't sell as nobody can get a mortgage. SO means you likely can't sub-let. My friend is in the same situation and it's awful - i feel so, so sorry for her.
Yep exactly this, can't rent, can't do anything.

Just feels like our lives are wasting away. We're stuck 24/7 sitting in, and staring at, the problem!

OP posts:
TheHoptimist · 09/03/2022 20:58

@Pyri

Rent your flat out and rent a new flat
You pay tax on rental income not profit and so rarely an option
gingerhills · 09/03/2022 21:06

You really need to make a few changes. Even small ones.

Start your day with a trip to Costa and do most of your work there, only going back to the bedroom for Zoom meetings if Costa is too noisy.

Really explore the area - every side street etc. Is there really nowhere within walking distance or a quick bus or train ride away that you could use as your base? No other cafe or shared workspace? No museum with a quiet study room?

You need to get as far away from the flat as possible every weekend - day trips out and about, visit friends, go out walking or running etc. Your previous life sounds really healthy and fulfilling. You need to find a version of it where you live now. There may not be a gym but are there not even some good fitness classes in nearby church halls? Get investigating and find a handful of things within reach. If there really are none, then you need to move out.

HamSandwichKiller · 09/03/2022 21:15

Honestly you need a different job. Find an employer who's going down the hybrid route so you still have flexibility. Make sure you don't get stuck with some horrific commute obviously but you need more stimulation and the flat situation is unlikely to change by the sounds of it.

EthelTheAardvark · 09/03/2022 21:25

Are you looking for another job?

Original poster
Grapeflavour · 09/03/2022 21:46

I really enjoy my job, I recently got a promotion and I'm lucky to be paid more than most in my quite low paid industry. Looking for another job isn't really an option in the near future.

Co-working space near me is £200 per month for membership (no pay as you go options) which is unaffordable.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 09/03/2022 21:54

keep an eye out for new co working spaces opening up - mine is provided by local council, but I recently had an email that curzon cinemas are offering hotdesking (£10 daily), All bar one have a scheme in some venues - just have to buy a meal, which can include breakfast.

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2022 21:57

@Grapeflavour

I really enjoy my job, I recently got a promotion and I'm lucky to be paid more than most in my quite low paid industry. Looking for another job isn't really an option in the near future.

Co-working space near me is £200 per month for membership (no pay as you go options) which is unaffordable.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

Did you not have commute costs before?

Who did your partner live with before you moved in?

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 09/03/2022 21:59

This isn't going to be your life long term, the issue with the flat will be resolved, it might take a few years, but there's light there, and eventually, then you can move.

In the short term, you need to get out of the rut you're in, like a PP said, organise your day so you go to Costa, and library, organise weekend trips if you can afford to do so, plan exciting things in the next few weeks if you're able to.

Start thinking about the future you want. Set a goal.

I literally haven't got a pot to piss in, I am however planning my future, which involves moving 400 miles north to where I was born.