To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

Maybe a netflix movie or a takeaway or even an avocado would give you a bit of a lift - enough to get your mojo back and make some good decisions towards a future. you only get one life. you're not putting your money to good use if you're this miserable now

Also you sound like you have no joy in your life

Not that avocados and take out are the only method of joy

But do you do anything to treat yourself? Like do you have a hobby?

Fuck that if you don't eat nice food either that you make or go out for

Fuck that if you don't buy yourself nice things like books or whatever it is that entertains you at home

Book a trip away and a trip to the doctors for anti depressants

Then leave your partner and go live in a house share

When you are happier in your life you will meet someone who's interests (not staying in for days on end) Match yours

I think your best bet is the library a couple of days a week, get there for when they open.

@user1493494961

I think your best bet is the library a couple of days a week, get there for when they open.

Considering an hour ago she said I'm often on sensitive calls with clients who would not be impressed of they knew someone was privy to our conversations. I somehow don't think so...

Maybe a trip to the GP would help. You do sound depressed.

My guess is that your boyfriend really isn't all that fussed about dealing with the money pit he's bought. He really could get out from under it with the right legal help but something tells me he doesn't really want to. Living there the way things are doesn't seem to bother him and he doesn't seem all that bothered that you are suffering from living there.

I think it would help to step back and look at how things really are. You've put up with this shite for 2 years already. Are you really willing to live like this with your life on hold for another 2 to 5 years?

You say you enjoy your job and in the next breath say you are totally miserable.

You need to prioritise your wellbeing. If taking a job that got you out of thr house meant a change in income maybe it would be worth it

Speak to work. If you can’t work at home then they need to facilitate something. We are wfh but some go in eg they have no wifi or family member whose needs make it impossible to wfh.
Where would you be living if boyfriend died or you split? If it’s not working for you then sort your own living arrangements to suit you.
Can you access any wellbeing support via work?
You sound like you could work from anywhere or get another similar job. If you want to live somewhere different go for it.

@Grapeflavour Are you ever going to answer the question about going back to the office?!

Other issue is you are spending a lot in rent and bills with no asset as flat is in his name. Plus not enjoying living there. You say you can’t rent on your salary locally.
I’d look at moving somewhere you can buy or rent if you are entirely wfh. Sounds like you are paying city prices with all drawbacks like noise but not enjoying any positives of where you live. You might aswell be sat all day in a flat in any place.

You aren't going to like me very much but... I think your biggest problem isn't the road noise or the dogshit or the cladding or even the lack of money. It's this: "DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it." Do the two of you really belong together long term? It's fine that he's happy just staying in the flat but what's not fine is that he doesn't "get" why you aren't happy. Are you planning to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't "get" that you are profoundly unhappy or the reasons why?

Are you getting to see people socially? Your life sounds very restricted, is that because your boyfriend doesn't like going out with you, or because you can't find anything cheap to do with friends, or because he doesn't like you going out without him? You do need some social life, for most people it's a basic human need and your mental health will suffer without.

And you say at least some of your money goes on housing. So what is your actual financial commitment to this flat? Do you co-own it? Or are you paying rent to your boyfriend, and if so, how does that compare with renting your own room elsewhere? If you don't own a share in the flat then you need to have a good hard think about whether it makes sense to stay stuck in this awful living situation or whether you should find somewhere nicer to live - a nicer location, your own room to work in, nearer work, nearer friends, a bit of life... whatever. Maybe it will be easier to have your own social life if he's not living there and always there.

And honestly, if you don't co-own then your boyfriend's flat cladding doesn't really have to be your problem.

The thing is - if you don't change anything, nothing about your situation is going to get any better.

You say you "only" have £350 left each month after all your necessities but that's hardly nothing. You could use £150 a month to do something for you and still manage to put £200 aside in savings.

There's no point putting all your spare money aside for the future if you're utterly miserable in the present. I would look to spend some of your money on something that will make your day-to-day life more bearable. That could be stuff for the bedroom so there's more of a division between work and home, or something that gets you out of the house.

Surely it would be worth spending say, £30 of that money on a gym membership, or a couple of weekly coffees with friends, a pass to the cinema - anything that gets you out of those four walls.

You still haven't answered if there is literally no office building operated by your employer anymore for staff to work in, where you could request to work from full time or several days a week

Many here are still confused where all your money goes. You are not legally obliged to pay your DPs mortgage and rent who was surely coping fine before you moved in. You could adjust your contribution to afford an alternative working space.

You could move out from your DP and house/flat share again and get some more space that way, stay at each others a couple nights a week. As per above you don't need to pay his mortgage and rent.

You could look for an alternative job that has an office you could work from.

@LampLighter414 OP did say in her original post that both her and her DP's companies had gone 'fully remote', so I would assume they have given up their office space.

[quote GlitteryGreen]@LampLighter414 OP did say in her original post that both her and her DP's companies had gone 'fully remote', so I would assume they have given up their office space.[/quote]
... but only a week ago she was posting about avoiding M&S on her way home. So the office can't be fully remote.

Definitely go out for a morning walk. Why can't you buy something ? Then just leave your partners place empty until you can sell. Then only one set of most bills. If he already had this place he must be able to afford it without your income ?

@pitstopping

Definitely go out for a morning walk. Why can't you buy something ? Then just leave your partners place empty until you can sell. Then only one set of most bills. If he already had this place he must be able to afford it without your income ?

Are you really asking why she just can't go and buy somewhere like she's got £20,000 deposit sitting around when she's already explained what her finances are like?

Some people really do live on another planet.

Let the flat and rent somewhere else?

@girlmom21 it doesn't say what she is spending on the flat. If she's not contributing and then has £350 left a month which she's been saving then that's very different to if she's paying half the mortgage and bills and blowing £350 on gambling ! And honestly it depends where you want to live, rent or buy. There are many very cheap areas if you are free to move anywhere and you WFH.

I personally lived in a dingy flat and saved up my house deposit in a few years and yes I worked there too from home pre pandemic.

What everyone here seems to be saying is leave your perfectly good relationship because he isnt able to provide a good enough home

No-one has actually said that though - just gently suggested you might move out to a house share in a nicer area. Moving out doesn't mean you need to split up, but it doesn't sound like your boyfriend is doing much to support you - hogging the space, never wanting the leave the flat etc. Doesn't sound like a 'perfectly good' relationship to me. Interesting you didn't say 'leave the man I love' - have you settled for him?

Sell it and move somewhere nicer - wfh anyway.

It doesn’t have to be hundreds of miles away. It could be a train ride away, and hour tops.

Your dp doesn’t sound that ‘d’ to me. If he truly valued your well-being he’d turn over every stone to make you feel better. As is, he’s happy to stay in the flat and isn’t seeing an issue.

It sounds to me as if having you around is a bonus but something he could pass by. And you are martyring yourself and what you want for him. Put yourself first. Find something, which gives you joy.

You sound depressed so yes, medication may help.

So many people not even reading OPs comments. They cannot sell and they cannot rent it out. Check out 'End the Cladding Scandal' for more info - it's disgusting.

There’s no ‘they’ though the flat is only owned by him. It’s his issue to sort or not, he seems content there. Op is free to sort her own housing situation.

Devil’s advocate Op carries on existing miserably in his flat for 5 years giving him cash towards bills. Cladding is sorted. He sells flat, all profit is his, he splits from her and she’s in same position as now but has spent 5 years miserable.

The thing is, if you want to be a parent some day, you are on a timetable. Completely crazy ideas like leaving your partner or the two of you abandoning the property and turning it over to the bank shouldn’t necessarily be off the table. That doesn’t mean they are the right choices, but each one does need to be investigated.