To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

@Grapeflavour

You sound (understandably) fed up & seem very resigned to the situation. You CAN change things, what you can't do is keep everything exactly the same & expect to feel any better about it.

IMO (FEIW) you need to start with 'Easy wins' I suggest something like cycling to costa every morning, enjoy your favourite drink/breakfast & work from there for a few hours (until it gets too noisy or you need to do a zoom call). Then home to work for the afternoon. Go for a walk/cycle after work (drag DP along if you can, it'll do him good & a good opportunity to talk)

Have a good talk to yourself!! This is DP's flat, not yours. How much of your money is going into HIS asset??

You have a lot of options, you just need to get into a head space where you can think about them.

I'm not going to list them again as there's already loads on the thread.

But specifically 'Borrow My Doggy' is a great place to find walking companions and you don't have to agree to do more than you want to. Many dog owners would be happy for you to work from theirs to keep Bella (so many Bellas!!) company for all/part of the day.

Talk to your friends!! See if any would be up for you working from theirs and staying over say one night ow. Or going for weekends.

It seems like your DP's 'happy to be at home' nature is bring you down a bit and you need to be more sociable with your friends, only you can change that!

Best wishes- but truly you're not stuck, you just need to find some energy to change things! Xx

I'm also curious about the living expenses.

Are you paying more now than when you were in the share house?

The cladding issue is tough but I'm surprised you can't rent it out, that's what people in my block with similar remedial work are doing and mortgage lenders are allowing it. Are you absolutely sure you can't rent it out? Why would it be illegal? And maybe selling it at distress pricing might not be a bad idea as the opportunity cost of sitting on an asset that isn't appreciating even will be much higher. Better to bite the bullet now and start afresh if it's going to cost you the relationship too. But obv that's his choice.

There are tonnes of free spaces where you can work or at least places where all you need to buy is a coffee or lunch and sit there as long as you want. Google it. And why do you need to stop doing things together as a couple outside work - that seems a DP problem not a flat problem. Has he always been this boring? You might need a chat then on how you do more fun things together.

All of this is within your control to fix. It's just going to need you to be resourceful, step out of your comfort zone and take a few risks.

[quote Thatswhyimacat]@FantasticFebruary no, but in a long term relationship she may be making some contribution - I have friends whose wages could literally no longer cover living in their flat with all the cladding-related costs added on. If she pays her boyfriend rent and bills etc it might have needed to go up dramatically. You'd be surprised how little the supposed government fund actually covers.[/quote]
@Thatswhyimacat

No I'm not surprised at all how little they're covering, I'm disgusted!! Absolutely disgusted!! (And I don't have any skin in the game)

However, she only moved in for convenience due to covid lockdowns, prior to that she had a room share, social life etc.

It's not her problem & her DP sounds like he's bringing her down as well.
There's nothing to stop her reverting back to how it was pre covid.

Op I really feel for you as this sounds like a tough situation.

A couple of questions:

• what would you do in the hypothetical event of you and your dp splitting up?

• could your dp afford to live in his flat by himself?

One solution might be for you to move out (and be replaced by another flatmate if money is tight) and strike out in your own. You might have to go backwards for a bit in order to move forwards and bear the discomfort for a temporary period of time.

So could you lodge with a family member and save for a year, maybe take on an extra job for a temporary period? Or there are schemes where you can live with an elderly person in their house and do their shopping etc, and benefit from cheaper lodgings? Or move your job and do the same thing in an area that has cheaper accommodation?

This is hard but I think taking the plunge and moving out is your first step. When I was first married I moved in to my husband's flat and I absolutely hated it! It was small, with walls of paper, on a busy road, above a noisy workshop. What possessed him to buy it, I do not know. Living there had a horrible effect on my mh. Fortunately, we were able to move out, but had we not have been able to do so, I would have left as it would have destroyed our relationship eventually.

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good sign either that your dp doesn't understand or sympathise about your living situation and isn't trying to work with you on an escape plan. I live with a man who has a totally different attitude to housing than I do. For me my home is my haven, I don't need anything flash, but I need to live near a park, or open space, and I need quiet, etc. DH honestly couldn't care less and could live out of a suitcase. He just doesn't understand. It causes us issues even now. It's not your dp's fault about the cladding, and it's a really difficult situation, but equally, he should be on side with you about this and concerned that you are not happy.

Don't allow yourself to be tied down by this situation. As someone who is a couple of years older, I am telling you that love alone isn't enough. Don't think of your own needs as secondary

You can't rent out a shared ownership flat! You can usually have a lodger but not rent the whole property. Shared ownership mortgages cannot be converted into Buy to Lets.

However this is really the partner's issue...

@Grapeflavour Could you not both work in the living room?

DP and I both wfh (although luckily he's started going in a couple of days now) and we just both work out of the living room and go to the bedroom only for calls.

It at least means 1 of us isn't stuck permanently in the bedroom and there is some separation in where we spend our time day and night.

@BulletTrain

You can't rent out a shared ownership flat! You can usually have a lodger but not rent the whole property. Shared ownership mortgages cannot be converted into Buy to Lets.

It still could be sublet under exceptional circumstances such as negative equity (which it will be if they tried to sell with remedial work) or if for some reason its not suitable as your current home. That is a loophole worth investigating as I know some building associations will allow it on properties impacted by cladding.

I tend to think it's awfully convenient for companies to be fully remote when it's the workers that are paying their heating costs, working in their bedroom and slowly grinding their mental health into the floor.

Having said that, it sounds like a local house sitting or dog walking or even a small amount of housework in exchange for use of a study would be a good solution, with a daily visit to Costa or the library for the non-Zoom portions of your day as an initial step, would be a good stopgap.

Ultimately I'd be looking for a non-remote sideways move to a new company. They don't sound like they care much about you.

And I do agree re getting on with having children if you want them and so does your DP - I would gently suggest to him that he needs to be back in an office (or out of the house) while you are on maternity leave.

My DS has a babysitter that brings him home from school and takes care of him in the house (his school has no after school care and some local CMs have closed so this was our only option). My DH is almost fully WFH and he heads off to Costa when they arrive home.

@Grapeflavour

I really enjoy my job, I recently got a promotion and I'm lucky to be paid more than most in my quite low paid industry. Looking for another job isn't really an option in the near future.

Co-working space near me is £200 per month for membership (no pay as you go options) which is unaffordable.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

There are solutions, several have been suggested by PP. But none of them are acceptable to you.

You want the magic solutions that involve

1. Your partners flat becoming easy to sell
2. Your partner becoming a different person

Sorry to be so blunt. But you are too young to be stuck in a life you don’t want because you are not willing to change anything.

You need to get out of the bedroom 24/7

Any friends you can work once a week in their house

Ask on local fb sites if someone has a room yiu can use

The walking dog v using their house sounds fab

Those who worked in an office, then had to work at hone, can you talk to them about the company paying for a space fir you to work in

I get it. My sahm friend had dh at home working in their bedroom as no other space. He is fed up 24/7 in bedroom. She is fed up of him working at home all day

He is looking fir a space

Many cafes do have /offer this. Talk to them. Buy a sarnie there daily and coffee

Yes you shouldn’t have to spend £200 of own money a month but that’s £50 a week, surely you spent that on travel when worked in an office

TheHoptimist I don't think that's right. You pay on profit. I've got a tenanted flat and ended up paying £2.50 tax at the end of the last financial year. Total rental income was £6,200. I'm sure my accountants haven't got it wrong.

It may be worth putting a notice out on FB marketplace to see if anyone has desk space you could rent - some small businesses that have committed leases may well have flexible space, or someone might have a garden room or similar they'd like to get some cash for. The bigger wework type places tend to be expensive .

I did this in lockdown and found 2-3 options pretty quickly.

Hope this helps

@Grapeflavour

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

What do you mean when you say most of your money goes on housing? What are your housing costs?

Have a look on some of the house/pet sitter sites especially if you are used to and good with dogs. I always need a pet sitter when I go away for various reasons, and it has worked well for me in the past. The reputable house/pet sitting sites require ID verification and you will see from the websites just how many people offer and use these services, trouble free.

If you are able to travel a bit it would at least get you out of the flat, give you a change of scene and a chance to recharge your batteries! For example, I have excellent wi-fi, live in an extremely quiet location and my only criteria are that the sitter is responsible, used to large dogs and leaves the place as they find it!

Op have you tried any formal route to request working space with your employer? Public sector is meant to take into account personal circumstances better than corporate, I'm also public sector and our offices are closed. We have a few staff who found working from home impossible. Some due to needing to separate out caring responsibilities, some due to living in HMOs/studios and impact on MH and/or confidentiality. Managers refused still but they took it up with the Union and the employer was obliged to find them some office space in another building. One of the people stuck in a studio (with a partner and toddler) was in the same situation re cladding, it is a horrible feeling of being trapped so I can understand where the defeatist talk comes from.

OP you seem to be a bit closed-off to all the great suggestions being made to you here.
The flat is surely better than a house-share like you were in before, so that is something to be glad about right there.
If your mental health is suffering so much, I think spending spare money on an office space makes good sense.
Take a good look at your finances, income, outgoings, are you paying too much towards bills considering that your bf benefits from the investment in the flat etc.
Talk to your work - is there any way that you could work in an office some of the time, or could they pay for you to rent an office?
Brainstorm and explore all options OP.

@Grapeflavour

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

You don't have a house to have housing costs. How much are you paying to share your boyfriend's one bedroom flat?

I would give the rented space a go for a month. Even if you think you can't afford it in the long term. Otherwise it means either putting up eith where you are or finding a house share which might not be ideal.

Go out

You're stuck in your situation, I feel you, I work from home fully and I have flexible hours, it is amazing to have that option and I'm very fortunate

I walk for 30 minutes before starting work, I walk to the shops, to a field, I use discount vouchers to get out for a cheap meal in evenings, on weekends I get out all morning for 4 hours (young child nap means going home) and go out some evenings (or enjoy a long bath and hair wash)

Get out every day, and get out on your lunch if you can, hell you can just go to a bench or a local area with some grass, park yourself up and eat

Make the changes you need and can within your own control. If you want to stay in your job, and cannot move, get out regularly within the rest of your life and get some air!

If you work in the public sector can you not ask to come into the office for mental health reasons, or because you don't have a suitable home working environment? I thought public sectors employers had to provide this.

Do you have any Youngs pubs near you? Some of them (might be all of them, not sure) have launched a 'work from the pub' scheme. As far as I can tell it's free, but you need to book your slot.

Here's an example

How much are you paying to share your boyfriend's one bedroom flat?

I am also wondering this. If you are paying back your student loans, your salary must be ok. The shared bills on a one bedroom flat shouldn't leave you with nothing left?