To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

@ComeUnderMySexBlanket in which case, I have even more sympathy for OP and it isn't fair for posters to attack her for being defeatist - oh just end your long term relationship, upheave your whole life, find a new place to live and possibly a new job too and start your whole life again! Easy! Such a whinger!

If you're both fully remote, could you rent the flat out and move to a cheaper area with more space and more going on? Haven't read the ft so apologies if this has been discussed

Don't stick with this for another year, let alone 5. Just make a change. If you're not currently tied by kids or work then now is the time to relocate

@Boxowine

Do you have to work from home? Do you have the option of going back to an office? I know many people prefer wfh but I personally am not in love with it. I don’t enjoy commuting to work but I find that I am more productive in a structured office, plus I miss people. You might benefit from spending some time in another environment, even if it is a library or cafe. Unless you have to take phone calls.

Did you actually read the OP?

I really feel for you OP - my sister and her husband are in a similar situation where the flat they own is basically worthless until the cladding is sorted out. They can’t rent it out or sell it so are completely stuck.

They work hard and earn good money and want to start a family and should be in a position to move to a house with a garden but hav even completely stitched up by the cladding situation which has been handled terribly.

[quote Thatswhyimacat]@ComeUnderMySexBlanket in which case, I have even more sympathy for OP and it isn't fair for posters to attack her for being defeatist - oh just end your long term relationship, upheave your whole life, find a new place to live and possibly a new job too and start your whole life again! Easy! Such a whinger![/quote]
She doesn't have to end the relationship to live in her own flat. And if fully remote is causing her this level of stress then yes, seeking a new job is sensible.

HI OP,
you do sound very low and this is a very sad way to feel:
"Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term."

I disagree that it's not worth trying to improve your incomes because you can't move at the minute. Extra cash is always going to be useful whether it's paying off the flat so you can sell it undervalue, a deposit for the next place albeit in a few years time or simply going to do some fun stuff/going on holiday to forget your cares.

Have you always struggled to sleep at your partners place? If so why did you move in? If it is a new thing it might be more related to your mental state than the flat and worth seeing your GP.

As for not having children look at that with fresh eyes. As you both work from home you could have children with no loss of income if you were able to stagger your hours to an early shift and a late shift. If this doesn't fit with your jobs then look for new more flexible jobs.

You seem reluctant to change jobs and don't seem to think you will better it but it isn't affording you any excess income to live where you would like or pay for a better lifestyle so surely it can be bettered?

If you do have a loss of income I believe you might be able to claim housing benefit towards the rent part of your payment so you could look into that and what other top up benefits you might be entitled to.

You also need to consider if you are your partner are actually compatible and can make each other happy. He is happy living and working within his home and doing very little and you are not. Does he want to be a parent and do you trust him to be dedicated to looking after his child while you work. If you don't trust him on this and and he is an "if he's not working he's on the xbox (etc) type" then you have bigger problems than the flat when deciding whether to be parents.

Surely you can move to a different place. I know you said you can't afford anything better but maybe a similar kind of place in a different area? I think you'd be happier living somewhere with more going on.

@RichardsGear

Would people really be happy having a random stranger in their house all day with unfettered access to everything in their house? And are Costa branches OK with people literally sitting there all day with their laptops plugged into the mains and hogging the WiFi? Yes I know these people will be buying a coffee but how many £3:50 coffees do you have to purchase to justify sitting there all day?!

Yes & yes.

I think you should rent your own flat/room and move out. It sounds so depressing. You don’t need to split with DP just have your own space.

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

Does he own his share outright or is he paying a mortgage?

I'm guessing you're in London or somewhere similar if two people on a full time wage with extensive qualifications can't afford more than a 1 bed flat. If you're working remotely, have you looked at moving to a cheaper, more affordable area?

@angelsandinsects

A PP asked about comparability and you answered it in respect of leaving the flat as in moving from the flat. I think what she was getting at - and it echoes my own thoughts - is whether you're compatible in how you enjoy spending your downtime. Does he like to be at home whereas you like to be out & about? DH is quite happy to sit on the sofa and watch sport or a movie whereas I like to be doing things and people watching. This became really obvious in the pandemic when he could happily spend the week at home and maybe go for a walk on a Sunday whereas I felt really claustrophobic if I didn't get out of the house every day. Other than when there were really tight Covid restrictions, this doesn't matter for us as I'll meet a friend for a walk or a coffee or go to a class at the gym and get my change of scene and person fix while he gets to do what he wants to do.

My DH doesn't go out much and is happy listening to podcasts or watching TV. I go out daily even if only for a run. Perhaps this is very basic advice but if OP's partner doesn't leave the house, I can't figure out why she doesn't. I have lived in flats all my life and prefer them to houses but getting out is important.

We looked at shared ownership and the rental part is extortionate, far more than any mortgage equivalent, add in the ever rising service charge on a dodgy clad building and the amount that will needed to be paid out to put it right. (Even though the builders are meant to pay to put certain stuff right) and you can become much worse off over night.

Ultimately I think being realistic about the flats worth now and how much more income that you could save over the next 5 years against what the flat will be worth in 5 years time minus 5 years of service charges, rent and ultimately the lump sum payable to put all the things wrong with the flat right that will be needed to be paid and being realistic what you will come out with after everything is paid

I don’t think there will be much difference.

Plus your sanity, relationship, health are bonuses.

Sometimes cutting your losses is the only way to move forward.

Think about if you are a couple and buy somewhere together in a cheaper area how much mortgage, deposit etc you could put down, save etc even if initially you went into rented because your Dp walked away with £0

In some counties you could rent a detached
3 bed house for under £1000 per month. £500 each. Pool your income and even if you start with £0 you would within the next 5 years end up with more than you would if your Dp clings onto the flat.

I would discuss this and research this over the next few weeks with your Dp

Ultimately it is up to your Dp but as you can both work remotely there is nothing keeping you both in the area, or even the country.

I think that your employer should have some provision for those who cannot work from home (technology is poor, or some bad home life), so could you explore one day each week in an office?

Is there no option to work from the office?

A friend of mine has taken up pet sitting and is really enjoying it. He was on a small holding with sheep one week which he loved! You probably do need insurance but lf it immeasurably improves your quality of life then it has to be worth it :). Being in one room 20hrs a day is going to take a toll on anyone. Do you manage to get outside daily?

@Thatswhyimacat

I don't think a lot of the people here commenting about OP finances will realise how much she is likely paying for a. Parts of cladding removal that the government doesn't cover and b. Fire systems replacements and watches. Saying 'surely you can afford 200 pounds a month' we'll I've been in a very similar situation since the pandemic and all my extra money saved from not commuting and more started going on the six hundred pounds a month it was costing for the privilege of maybe not dying in a blazing inferno.

It's not HER flat!

Find someone to share a co-working space with. That's £100pm. £25pw. You've just been promoted, surely you have an extra £25pw floating about?

I agree that you're being defeatist but I suspect after a couple of years staring at four walls I'd be defeatist too!

The absolute number one tip I'd give you is to get out of the house every day. Finish work and go for a walk. Rain, hail, shine, with our without DP. You need to go outside.

There are some ongoing legal/defect issues with the building we live in that is making the flats difficult to sell (the only one that has sold in the past year or so went to investors at half its market value because the owners just wanted rid).

Maybe they had the right idea. It's a horrible situation to be in but if the alternative is being miserable and sleep deprived for years and not having children even though you want them, perhaps that's just what it's going to cost to have a better life. Those people are probably in a better living space now and building from the ground up. How do you feel about that?

Sometimes you can't afford NOT to do something. This would cost you a lot of money, but what's it going to cost you to stay put? Your mental health? Your relationship? Your chance to have children?

There is almost always a choice. It may not be ideal, it may be difficult, it may be painful, but it's almost always there.

New job? Get him to rearrange I'm his set up there must be a way so you can use the living room? Hot desking? Meditation and lots of it. Move in with family? Move in with friends ? Change your working hours so you can use the living room? Tell him how you are feeling and see what he says ?

@Grapeflavour

I work in public sector. Most of my money goes on housing, bills and food. I pay into my work pension, which feels like quite a signficant contribution, also paying off two student loans for undergrad and postgrad degrees. I have about 350 left over each month, after essentials, which I mostly save in an attempt to get out of this situation one day. All my hobbies are free, I buy hardly anything. Rarely socialise out. We don't have Netflix, do takeaways or eat avocados.

I won't be spending 200pm on a co-working space.

Ps. I used to cycle to work unless it was pouring with rain or icy, so had very low-zero commuting costs.

This is confusing given your partner happily afforded to live on their own before you moved in. How are you splitting housing, bills and food costs? Which I gather could be a whole new thread of its own, as I get the impression you are now paying a chunk of his mortgage and subsidising his living costs.

You need to talk to them about how you feel with the current set up and potentially renegotiate your contribution to facilitate funding a working space elsewhere.

Please can you confirm your employer has actually closed their office and offers zero opportunity for you to ask if you can return to an office location either full time or part time.

Also, are you able to request to go back into the office? I’m also public sector and people struggling at home can put forward a case to go it.

@FantasticFebruary no, but in a long term relationship she may be making some contribution - I have friends whose wages could literally no longer cover living in their flat with all the cladding-related costs added on. If she pays her boyfriend rent and bills etc it might have needed to go up dramatically. You'd be surprised how little the supposed government fund actually covers.

Would you be able to set up a co-working space in your area?

If you could find a few others who also wanted to do the same, maybe you could rent a space together cheaper than paying a co-working company?

Are you on your local Facebook group for your area? It wouldn't hurt to just post a message asking people if they have any ideas about affordable co-working locally and if anyone might like to share costs to rent somewhere.

It might not go anywhere, but can't hurt to ask.