To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

I don't know much about shared ownership or about housing legalities, but are you making payments on the flat mortgage/buying a part of it yourself? If not why not?

The dog sitting idea is genius.

Getting a new job that pays more isn't going to help. We are stuck in this flat for potentially 4 or 5 years until remedial work is finished, it's not legally possible to rent it out, and we certainly can't afford to rent or buy a second home.

I might see if I can find some kind of dog sitting aranagement, that's a good idea, but don't you need insurance for stuff like that now?

Getting a new job that pays more isn't going to help.

But getting one that has an office to work in would…

I don’t think you’d need insurance for a basically informal dog sitting arrangement.

I am intrigued how £200 a month for co-working is unaffordable given you both work, have no commuting costs, share a 1 bed and how you describe your career. What is your take home and what do you spend the money on?

Does the office you used to go to literally not exist anymore? Is it not possible to request working from the office either full time or say 2-3 days a week?

What about your DP? Has the office now vanished? Could they request to work there again? Or they like to just WFH?

You can also consider changing job to one that is based in an office?

Seems like you're writing off many solutions and just in a bit of a spiral of negative thinking

I am intrigued how £200 a month for co-working is unaffordable given you both work, have no commuting costs, share a 1 bed and how you describe your career. What is your take home and what do you spend the money on

This is what I'm wondering. It's a shared ownership flat, that the DP owns, which means that he must have the income to support the mortgage alone plus be able to afford bills etc, because that's the rules of getting a mortgage.

Plus they have the OPs income on top and they don't do anything because the OP says they barely leave the flat so surely you have quite a lot of money left after basic costs and the £200 co-working space is only what commuting would cost anyway.

Where were you living before you moved in with him? Go back.

Have you got any friends who don’t work from home who are nearby whose house you could use if you came to an arrangement? Would be less than the £200/month hot desking but provide you with space needed. I would happily let friends come and use my house if I knew they were struggling - would probably need to charge something for electric but wouldn’t want to make a profit from it? Even if it was just 4h a day I bet that would make a difference to your wellbeing?

@Grapeflavour

I really enjoy my job, I recently got a promotion and I'm lucky to be paid more than most in my quite low paid industry. Looking for another job isn't really an option in the near future.

Co-working space near me is £200 per month for membership (no pay as you go options) which is unaffordable.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

Mmm I wouldn't accept being this miserable without a get out plan.

Sit with an a4 sheet... Write down EVERY option you can think of... However mad...

Are any of them, even slightly workable... I was in a similar situation some years ago... I found just by finding a work space with a colleague a couple of days a week saved my sanity

£200 a month for a work space is very reasonable, I imagine a large proportion of people spend a similar amount just getting to work.

You’ve identified the problem, your choices are to do things to improve it, or don’t action and stop moaning. You really can’t complain about something if you’re unwilling to change anything.

I suppose in hindsight, the OP probably has a travelcard anyway, assuming she lives in London, so commuting costs are probably a red herring.

But it still stands that surely you should be able to afford the co-working space given that you have 2 full time professional salaries (albeit low, but it's not NMW is it?) and what should be relatively low living costs for London?

I really feel for you. I know its a really long shot but do you have any friends that don't work from home that you can give a few quid to use their property to work for a few hours to break up the day?

I would post on a local FB group that you are in need of space local to you. You may be surprised who comes out of the woodwork. Do you have a local gossip girls FB page or similar where you can ask?

Maybe change up your day too, I would go insane too being stuck in a room for that amount of time so i do feel for you.

I know you can't change your living situation right now but for your mental health really do try to push yourself to mix your day up and do things you enjoy even if it's going for a walk, coffee ect

If you’re both wfh and both want children, waiting for the cladding situation to resolve may be too late for your fertility. Properties are at their peak right now so selling for 50% of market value today may not be that much less than full market value in a few years if the housing market crashes. Albeit not guaranteed to happen but the current situation is ripe. I’ve now lived through two property peaks and crashes.

What I don’t understand is why you don’t think you can afford a child. You’re saving money on rent. Children don’t need their own bedroom for a while. The main issue would be not being able to access the living room during maternity leave. Perhaps cordoning off an area and noise cancelling headphones.

I think it is time to decide what is most important. You could even do something radical like cut your losses, move to a less expensive area of the country, rent together for a while, have a child and buy somewhere cheaper.

You could also stay as you are, which sounds miserable or adjust your lifestyle as has been recommended.

This isn't your flat though. You don't have a stake in it, you're not paying the mortgage, and you won't get any profit when it does eventually sell. This is not your problem.

Also, if you want to have kids you simply have to move somewhere where you can afford to have them. Almost everyone compromises on that. It doesn't sound like DP is particularly motivated to do so.

I think it would all seem a lot better if you got more sleep?
Can you wear earplugs? You can get a selection pack from Amazon so you can try a few different types.

Or can you totally swap the living room and bedroom, if the bedroom is more on the road? Or get a spare mattress and put it in a room away from the road if there is one?

Also, go for a quick walk at lunch every day. Even if it seems like the same old walk every day, getting out will help.

Getting a new job won’t let you move flat but it could mean that you have money to rent a workspace or an office to go into, or just a bit more to spend on nice bits at the weekend.

Op you sound as though everything is outside of your control. It isn't. The library is a 15 min cycle ride away? So, cycle there. Get there for opening time so you get a desk.

If you are truly broke with both of you working then where is your money going?

And little things like are you getting enough exercise will help you to feel better. It took 18 months of me working at home to realise that if I go for a 40 minute walk in the morning before I start work then I feel so much better and less hemmed in.

We also have cafes near us which advertise working spaces, coffee and lunch for £10 a day. Definitely worth considering if you have similar.

I agree you're being terribly defeatist. £200 pm for the sake of sanity isn't a lot. With current prices that's pretty much what I'm spending getting to work to my £900 pm job with a one income household and kids to support (yes I get some top ups but I'll bet it's still way less that one of your incomes let alone household combined). It's also pretty normal to have to take transport to get anywhere. Can you take up jogging / do couch to 5k? Join a gym, they are everywhere or a class. They are everywhere, even when I lived in the middle of nowhere it was a realistic pursuit to join a hobby. Make an effort to see friends and arrange to meet half way. You're not stuck in at all you're just choosing to stay in those 4 walks. Even if you don't change you're working arrangement there's still loads of opportunity to get out and about, Especially as nights are getting lighter fast now. What do you do at weekends?

Why can't you rotate your working spaces so he works in the bedroom sometimes? I know you said his work setup doesn't fit in there but is that actually out of necessity or is it just preference? Could you think outside the box with clever furniture solutions in the bedroom to allow space for him to work in there?

Couldn't you change up your routine so you get out for a bit during the day? Go for a bike ride at lunch. Pick one hour a day when you don't have video calls and go and sit in a cafe with your laptop. Have walking meetings! My boss and I do this often if we have meetings that can easily be done over the phone instead of video. She will be walking her dog and I'll be walking in the park.

You need to write down your budgets, to see where your income is going. If you both work from home then you can work anywhere at all; pack up and rent on a Scottish island or middle of the countryside where it's super cheap if all you want is a change of scene.

I also couldn't work in my bedroom.

Does your Employee not have any offices you could go to even one day a week?

Try a coworking space, my husband now works in a local one above the library, is called the 'workery' I think it's about £100 per month to rent a desk.

All else failing, look for a new job! Or tell the current one you're not happy working from home and see what they do.

You cannot just decide to sell a shared ownership flat for less than its value. The other flat in the building would not have been SO if it sold to investors. The housing association usually owns 60% to start with, charges rent on that portion and you have to seek permission to sell, usually with a caveat that they try first before it goes to open market.

It sounds like you're stuck in a cycle of negativity here and until you fix that, nothing else will change.

I don't understand why you don't have some money or savings if you're no longer paying to rent a room in an HMO. Are you paying for half of everything at your boyfriend's and it's no cheaper for you? Do you have debts? Without the full picture it's difficult to advise on you what to do, but you're dismissing a lot of suggestions which must mean we're missing something.

Rent the flat out and go and rent a nicer one. If he can't sell and has to keep it do that.

Basically your options are:

• Move out and live separately
• Make more of an effort to go on a walk or two a day and go somewhere for lunch (packed lunch and sit in the park?)
• Rent a co-working space
• Get a new office based job
• Find someone to dogsit for
• Find a cafe to work in for a bit during the day (bit cheeky)

Nothing will change until you make some changes.