To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

The problem seems as much with your lifestyle as your flat tbh. You might not have a choice about WFH, but you don't have to stay cooped up all weekend. You need to prioritise getting out of the flat as much as possible. Even on your work days you could build in a few walks (fake commute) to get some air and a change from the four walls. I do empathise. I used to live in bedsit that felt like a prison cell, literally one room, and was studying at the time so spent hours there.I coped by going out at every opportunity. Even sitting in friends houses was a break.

The flat situation is awful - but OP, it’s not your flat. He’s happy there, you aren’t. So move out, you can still be partners. Explain to him your mental health cannot take this. (It’s clear from your post it can’t, if you don’t move out in a controlled way now, you’ll split up and move out later.)

If you were happy in your last area, move back there. Are there people with 2 beds who would rent you a room? Would that give you enough to save up to buy somewhere later?

if you want children and you can’t afford them between you then you may have to think about whether the relationship is right for you - but just focus on the immediate issue right now.

Somehow this comes across that it's your partners fault that you live like teenagers? Like when you say that you don't want to leave him etc. You're both willing to move but don't have the money so I'm not sure why leaving him would be the solution? Are you thinking that then you'd be able to get a flashare in different area? You can still do that.

I think there are quite a few different issues here. I think you need to decide what is a priority. Living your whole life in the bedroom? Look into what changes can be made that you could be elsewhere in the house. Maybe do a few hours at Costa when there is no meetings. Don't like the area. Look into moving elsewhere and see what distance is a dealbreaker and see what can be done to achieve it. Moving further away, getting a second job etc.? Kids a priority? Again, think what you are willing to compromise.

Very long shot, but I wonder if a local site like Freegle or a facebook could throw up someone with a bit of space and a desk (and internet obviously!) who would value a daily 'house-sitter' , dog-sitter or companion?

So rather than the £10 a day you would be paying by doing a couple of dog walks, making someone tea/heating a meal and chatting to them over lunch, or just making an empty property look more lived-in?

Other than that, I second advice to make your 'escape plans' as concrete as possible. There are a couple of things about where I live that, petty though they may be, were really getting me down. When I finally plucked up courage to tell DH how I felt and he agreed that long-term, he would like to move to somewhere without these issues too, my stress really eased a lot.

Although it won't happen for several more years (and this was a few years ago) knowing I won't have to endure it for ever made a tremendous difference to me.

Where did you work before wfh?

We are wfh too. Our offices have down sizes but are still open for those wishing to go in and work. Can you do that?

Post on your community/local Facebook group and see if anyone has a space you can use

@Grapeflavour

I really enjoy my job, I recently got a promotion and I'm lucky to be paid more than most in my quite low paid industry. Looking for another job isn't really an option in the near future.

Co-working space near me is £200 per month for membership (no pay as you go options) which is unaffordable.

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term.

Surely before you moved in with him, you were paying more than £200/month in your house share?

Are you paying him rent?

That’s a brilliant suggestion about being a dog sitter.

Providing the house has WiFi and you can take Fido out for a stroll a few times a day as he requires.

He’ll have company all day and you will have space to sit and work.

You could really make a go of that if you could find a suitable family to help.

And before covid presumably you had commuting costs too?

I think there are bigger problems than the flat. You say there is no prospect of changing job, but your job doesn't give you a place to work or pay enough to cover £200 a month workspace. Is that sustainable in the long term?

If you want to change your living situation (especially to make children an option) you may need to look at a different type of work.

I think if you get out after work, it won't matter as much where you work during the day. I think you need to get out more after work and on the weekends. And maybe invest in some noise cancelling headphones and listen to music/podcasts/books while you work. Or maybe once or twice a week go to the library or a cafe that has wifi, so that you get out during the day.

I'm sorry but this is silly & you are being ridiculously defeatist.

Firstly, you need to make a plan with your DP that starts with figuring out if you are on the same page.

Do you both want the same things in the future? If so, and the building problem, while challenging, can be resolved, then work towards that. Accept you'll be in the flat for a while; then look at what you can do to improve the situation.

Why are you both there 20 hours a day? Do your work day, take a break for a walk during the day & spend time out of the house at weekends & in the evenings.

If, however, he's basically happy to stay inside and work & isn't motivated to change & plan, you have a relationship issue - which is what I suspect.

Then you can move back to an arrangement like you had before.

You can consider the remote working hubs as suggested - why wouldn't they be affordable?

I didn't see if you answered the questions about going into the office, but I'm assuming it's not an option.

There is still a lot more you can do to improve the situation that stay inside all the time!

@candycane222

Very long shot, but I wonder if a local site like Freegle or a facebook could throw up someone with a bit of space and a desk (and internet obviously!) who would value a daily 'house-sitter' , dog-sitter or companion?

So rather than the £10 a day you would be paying by doing a couple of dog walks, making someone tea/heating a meal and chatting to them over lunch, or just making an empty property look more lived-in?

Other than that, I second advice to make your 'escape plans' as concrete as possible. There are a couple of things about where I live that, petty though they may be, were really getting me down. When I finally plucked up courage to tell DH how I felt and he agreed that long-term, he would like to move to somewhere without these issues too, my stress really eased a lot.

Although it won't happen for several more years (and this was a few years ago) knowing I won't have to endure it for ever made a tremendous difference to me.

Definitely this if you like dogs! Free and proper desk space for you to work a day or so a week in exchange for looking after my dog (with a healthy walk at lunchtime) while I went into the office. Genius. I’d bite your arm off if it meant not having to put pupper to doggy daycare.

You're both working no kids, no commute. Where does your money go?

You seem to be putting all the blame for this situation on your boyfriend which doesn't seem fair. He is not responsible for cladding issues or the fact your job is low paid. If you had remained in your house share surely you would be working from your bedroom still? So this flat is no different. Are you not saving money by living with him that you could you to rent a desk?

Could you redecorate/ rearrange the bedroom to make it less samey?

Kinda scraping the barrel here I know

If you can’t move and can’t rent office space then could you improve your current environment? Redecorate and design the space to suit what you need? E.g a partition/screen to the space in the room used as office, repaint, but some house plants, maybe an air purifier and a coffee machine - maybe some shelves with motivational books?
I was feeling quite trapped last year but did adjust and these things did help.

Would people really be happy having a random stranger in their house all day with unfettered access to everything in their house?
And are Costa branches OK with people literally sitting there all day with their laptops plugged into the mains and hogging the WiFi? Yes I know these people will be buying a coffee but how many £3:50 coffees do you have to purchase to justify sitting there all day?!

Surely your combined living costs now are much cheaper than when you were living in two houses and possibly commuting?

Where is that money going?

This all doesn't make loads of sense.

I'm sorry but this is silly & you are being ridiculously defeatist. I have to agree. OP you're coming across as a bit of a "yeah but". My sister is the same. Moans none stop about living with our father (sorry, she doesn't "live" she "exists" according to her). We bought a business premises with a flat upstairs. Told my sister she could rent the flat cheaply. Said she couldn't afford it even if cheap. We said you could flat share as it's a big 2 bed flat, she said "I don't want to share with a stranger". You just can't help some people. 8 years later, she's still whinging about living with dad.

Your existence sounds crushingly dull to me. That's no life. Change job, change partner, hot desk, go into the office, do SOMETHING! Your life is passing you by.

Have you always been WFH?

If you live in a big city (London?) with high living costs and your industry is poorly paid (I hear you, I work in one of those that’s centred on London, it’s tough) is WFH the norm?

Because my poorly paid industry has everyone coming back in at least 3 days a week precisely because of the cramped living conditions issue for low-paid staff.

I get that the flat may not be your dream forever home, but the issue seems to be the homeworking. If you had an office (+ potential of after work socialising) then came home to the flat for evenings and weekends, would it seem so bad?

Is there no option of working from the office or your employer providing office space? Have you spoken to your manager about the issues you (and possibly many others) are facing with no options other than wfh? If wfh doesn't suit you, then Inthink looking for a hybrid or in person role would seem your best option.

In the meantime, you've ruled out Costa and the library - what about a gym? Do you get out for a walk every day? If you gave a rough location, some people may have ideas. Pre covid, an acquaintance used to have a lot of work meetings in the Royal Festival Hall lobby....

Could you afford to rent a room in an HMO ? It would give you some space of your own and a change of scene going back and forth. You could maybe both work in your partners home and 1 or both of you sleep in the bedroom ? Can your partner claim a tax allowance for working from home ?

OP

Sympathies. I know first hand how crap it is to be caught up in the cladding scandal.