To be absolutely sick of DP's flat

[Grapeflavour]

I've been living with DP since the start of the pandemic. Both our companies have gone fully remote so we're wfh.

We live in a small one bedroom flat, on a main road, that DP part owns (SO). Every day I work in the bedroom and he works in the living room. He has a specific working set up that doesn't fit anywhere except for the living room.

I'm absolutely sick of these four walls, and the road noise. I spend 20+ hours a day, working/relaxing/sleeping in this room (although I can only manage 4-5 hours of sleep a night because of the traffic). There's nothing in the area apart from a convenience store and a couple of takeaway places. Have to get a train or bus or bike at least 15/20 mins to get anywhere. There's nowhere else I could work apart from the library (which is small and always packed) or a Costa (also always packed), and neither are very practical for video calls. I've had enough. DP would quite happily spend days on end in the flat without leaving, and doesn't get it.

Not really sure what to do, how can I feel better about this situation? We can't afford to move anywhere that would be much better, especially now costs are rising. I know I'm lucky to have a roof over my head but at the same time I'm in my mid-30s, have a decent, professional job and just frustrated that I'm still living like a teenager, holed up in a bedroom all day. I don't think I can face years more of this, but don't want to leave DP. Also coming to terms with the fact that we'll never be able to afford kids, or have room for them, which is just crazy.

Is the shared working space actually unaffordable or just a big chunk of your income that you'd rather not spend? £200 is roughly what I spend on my car (including petrol, insurance, tax etc) so without the commuting costs you used to have (and bearing in mind you've been promoted) I find it hard to believe it's unaffordable.

How much is your DP earning in comparison to you? Are you paying for everything 50:50 while he earns more? Could it be changed to a proportional amount to make the working space affordable?

Could you find someone in a similar position to share the 200 pound co-working desk with? Each pay 100 and have half the time?

Move, find co-working space or look for another job. Those are your options.

I think your options are:

• Move back into a houseshare and accept that you and DP won’t live together until the legal issues on his flat are resolved. This might sound drastic but could save your relationship and sanity! Or show that you’re ultimately incompatible, as you’ll get your life back and he may stagnate.
• Change jobs so you have an office to go to. Not a great option if you love your job, and it removes the freedom to live anywhere you want.
• Stay in the flat, stay fully remote – ideal really as once the flat is sold you two can go anywhere, so you may be able to afford to buy eventually. But then you need to have the fortitude to live like this for up to 5 years.

So to do the last option, make some changes: introduce a faux-mute so you’re out the house each morning. Go out at lunchtimes. Make a reciprocal arrangement with a friend to work at their house sometimes in exchange for whatever – I’ve done this before and it’s lovely, far nicer than paying for a coworking space.

Personally I’d take option one and move back out again.

I actually gave same set up (but it's my flat) and I love working on my bed. Always have, since university many years ago.
So it sounds more the relationship than the work set up part.

You are very defeatist if I may say so. I also wfh wt DH in a small London flat. I don't have a car and need to take a bus or a tube to get anywhere. So I take them. I go to cafes and libraries. If one is noisy, I move elsewhere.

@justasking111

You're both working no kids, no commute. Where does your money go?

Exactly what i was wondering

Can you relocate if you both work at home full time now? Go up north where the cost of living is cheaper and pick a city so lots going on.

Live in a campervan and travel the world?

Basically there's no solution to this situation, I just wish I could cope with it better and accept this is going to be my life long term

This sounds a bit mercenary, but it's not your flat. You're not tied to it. You could live elsewhere - somewhere with more space, housemates, a good night's sleep etc.

@Grapeflavour

Getting a new job that pays more isn't going to help. We are stuck in this flat for potentially 4 or 5 years until remedial work is finished, it's not legally possible to rent it out, and we certainly can't afford to rent or buy a second home.

I might see if I can find some kind of dog sitting aranagement, that's a good idea, but don't you need insurance for stuff like that now?

Can you afford to cut your loses and sell if between you both you can muster enough for another 1 bedder or something bigger in a cheaper location that isn’t SO.

If both of you are wfh then you could effectively live anywhere.

I would do a hard calculation of what this flat is going to cost you over the next 5 years against what getting rid and buying in a much cheaper area and the overall costs over the same amount of time.

The rent and service charge on these type of flats is extortionate

@burnoutbabe

I actually gave same set up (but it's my flat) and I love working on my bed. Always have, since university many years ago. So it sounds more the relationship than the work set up part.

You can't really state that as fact. People are different. I'd absolutely hate to work where I sleep and spend that much time in my bedroom however I simply wouldn't do it (appreciate it might have been necessary for some in a lockdown situation but we're way past that now)

If you're getting 4/5 hours sleep a night, that won't help how you feel at all. Whilst you figure out the big stuff.... get foam earplugs, bulk buy online. Will block out all noise whilst sleeping. Can you upgrade a strategic window (IE bedroom). Triple glaze, or magnetic glazing (very cheap and very effective).
Take regular walks together. Walk at lunch and plan/buy that night's dinner. Cook together. Walk after dinner, and talk. Get out of the flat and walk until you're knackered and glad to get home for a cup of tea.

Would people really be happy having a random stranger in their house all day with unfettered access to everything in their house?

It’s how housesitting works.

I can understand how difficult it is to sell the flat. However he could afford to live there before you moved in. You could afford to live in your place before you moved in. How come you're not both better off financially now so that you can afford to pay 200 a month for office space?

How does he feel about you moving into such a small space when you both work from home?

Of course there are solutions.

1. Move out. You don't like where you live, so move. Get your own flat. You say you're well paid?

1. Go back to the office, or find a job with an office.

1. Go out every day.

You're blaming him but it's his house, whereas you have all the control of your own life you could want. Literally do the things you want to do.

@JanisMoplin

You are very defeatist if I may say so. I also wfh wt DH in a small London flat. I don't have a car and need to take a bus or a tube to get anywhere. So I take them. I go to cafes and libraries. If one is noisy, I move elsewhere.

As someone who simply does the things I like to do, and does not do things I do not like to do, it's baffling sometimes reading posts on here.

"I don't like this! What should I do?"
"I want to do X. What should I do?"

Like... They just lie down and stare at the walls unable to do things? What the heck...

A PP asked about comparability and you answered it in respect of leaving the flat as in moving from the flat.
I think what she was getting at - and it echoes my own thoughts - is whether you're compatible in how you enjoy spending your downtime. Does he like to be at home whereas you like to be out & about? DH is quite happy to sit on the sofa and watch sport or a movie whereas I like to be doing things and people watching. This became really obvious in the pandemic when he could happily spend the week at home and maybe go for a walk on a Sunday whereas I felt really claustrophobic if I didn't get out of the house every day.
Other than when there were really tight Covid restrictions, this doesn't matter for us as I'll meet a friend for a walk or a coffee or go to a class at the gym and get my change of scene and person fix while he gets to do what he wants to do.

I don't think a lot of the people here commenting about OP finances will realise how much she is likely paying for a. Parts of cladding removal that the government doesn't cover and b. Fire systems replacements and watches. Saying 'surely you can afford 200 pounds a month' we'll I've been in a very similar situation since the pandemic and all my extra money saved from not commuting and more started going on the six hundred pounds a month it was costing for the privilege of maybe not dying in a blazing inferno.

Like... They just lie down and stare at the walls unable to do things? What the heck...

Yep.

OP, you are being remarkably defeatist (though God knows why people keep telling you to sell/rent the flat out, when you've clearly explained why you can't).

However: a massive big plus is that it's not your flat, and you are not tied to it. What's more, you're not actually tied to your boyfriend, either.

Is your job the kind where you could take a sabbatical? Or could you afford to take six months of unpaid leave (unlikely, I know, for most people)? It sounds as if you need to shake things up big-time. It also sounds as if this relationship has kind of run into the sand. Your life doesn't have to pass you by. At the very least, you would be better off moving back to a shared house and a physical place of work (office, I assume, if you are still WFH).

WFH is the work of the Devil, IMO.

@Thatswhyimacat

I don't think a lot of the people here commenting about OP finances will realise how much she is likely paying for a. Parts of cladding removal that the government doesn't cover and b. Fire systems replacements and watches. Saying 'surely you can afford 200 pounds a month' we'll I've been in a very similar situation since the pandemic and all my extra money saved from not commuting and more started going on the six hundred pounds a month it was costing for the privilege of maybe not dying in a blazing inferno.

Thing is: it's not her flat, so not her problem. Unless she and the boyfriend were otherwise compatible and happy, in which case she wouldn't be posting on here...

OP honestly? You sound exactly like I do when I feel completely overwhelmed and am sliding into depression. Your low mood is making this so much worse and preventing you from taking action which would sort things out. The 'yeah but no' stuff, which I do when like this, is a deflection because you actually just want someone to just take all these problems away and make it OK again. Do you feel like you have no control and no power to change this situation? Well to some extent yes: the cladding issue IS awful, and a national scandal, but it's not going away anytime soon so best to try and park it mentally for a bit and focus on positive changes for yourself which you DO have agency over. Maybe consider talking to your GP about meds to get your mood back up and more able to face up to the changes you can make?
I have a couple of ideas but it depends where you are a bit. If you're in a city, which it sounds like you are, I would consider using a travel card (or whatever your local public transport scheme offers) and literally 'go' to work. Travel well out of your area, a proper commute with people and life and bustle, into the centre of town and find a workspace. A library, larger coffee-shop or other... often independent coffee shops have a workspace offer these days. Or how about something a bit sneaky...eg, my DD uses an annual V&A membership, around £80 I think, to have access to their members room where she is pretty much guaranteed a table as long as she buys the odd coffee. Not traditionally a workspace but fairly quiet I think.
Of course, that might all sound like pie in the sky to you atm and I do know it's unbelievably tough to claw your way back up when you're feeling low. I really do understand. Sometimes you just have to physically force yourself out the door, start with small steps, a walk around the block once a day to get some actual daylight for example. You don't have to enjoy it. You don't even have to believe in it.. but you do have to DO it. It will get better if you can, I'm sure. Very best of luck.

First, my sympathies. That feeling of being cooped up is awful and you must feel especially trapped given the issues around selling.

Second, you're not alone. So many people in our generation with decent, professional jobs are trapped in tiny flats in suboptimal areas. You're not the one to blame, our scam of a housing market is.

There are things you can do to mitigate your situation.

The sleep is a priority, when you're underslept everything seems like an uphill struggle. I've lived on a main road and I absolutely hated it for this reason - though I got used to the noise and slept fine if the windows were closed. Try out earplugs or white noise - I found the latter more effective, there are apps for it.

Next, try to get out of the house. You shouldn't be staring at the same four walls for 20 hours per day. Build in walks, go for runs - there's nothing like a long run outside to shake off the feeling of being cooped up and the exercise will do your mental health good. Make evening plans with your DP or friends. A few drinks in a pub or a nice local restaurant or a show or a class - make room to do something you actually love doing.

Some WFH friends do sometimes go round to each other's houses for company/a change of scenery. Not my bag, I love WFH precisely because I don't have to move anywhere in the morning or see anyone, but it's a normal thing people do.

If there's a timeline for the work being done on your block hold on to it! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can start thinking and planning about what you'll do and where you'll move when you get there...

OP, you have my sympathy for the cladding issue, my DH and I are in the same boat and I feel like some of your issue with the flat is as a result of this. I too felt despair, depression and hopelessness as a result of the years of life stolen from us (unable to move out of a cramped tiny flat for years, also now won't be able to have kids) and it was reflected in my feelings about the flat we lived in. It's so utterly miserable and I'm sorry that it's happened to you.