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Original poster

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/03/2022 19:10

Where does the idea that the husband is being grabby about the money come from?

He has a Y chromosone, loislovesstewie - sadly, on MN, it's often enough

PiperPosey · 09/03/2022 19:12

@loislovesstewie

Where does the idea that the husband is being grabby about the money come from? The only comment I can see is that the OP can't begin to discuss it with her husband. That could mean anything. TBH, I think she should be thankful that her DH is such a good husband, if it was me I would pay off my mortgage. FWIW when my stepmother dies I got nothing;my half sister got the house. She has far more money than me!
If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover. The last line in her OP.
GinPalace2 · 09/03/2022 19:13

I assume @LadyJanestar is not planning to reply to anyone as we are now 4 pages in.

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 19:15

Yep, either OP went on vacation or this is a drive by.

RiverSkater · 09/03/2022 19:20

How close are you? I would give her some money, could you discuss a dim which would leave you still walk off but help her out, £25k maybe?

RiverSkater · 09/03/2022 19:20

Discuss a sum with your DH ?

RiverSkater · 09/03/2022 19:21

Well off! Sorry, on my phone!🙄

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 19:23

@FairyCakeWings

I’m really surprised at many of the responses here, but I suppose I shouldn’t be. Typical double standards again.

If someone posted that their husband had just inherited enough money to provide security for them and their three children but they wanted to give half of it away, they’d be told that the husband should be prioritising his wife and children. Especially when the family of five are currently being supported on one wage which is being earned by the person that is told they should have no say in what happens to the inheritance.

The OP says she can’t even begin to talk to her husband about it and that if she voluntarily gave half of the money away her marriage would struggle to recover. There’s a reason for that, and it’s fair. I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either.

This. The husband’s sin is being a man. He definitely can’t be brilliant by virtue of this, obviously. And no wife would reasonably have and issue with a husband, who doesn’t financially contribute, deciding to give away half of a windfall that would guarantee their children’s security. Definitely not.

In reality I don’t think anyone who actually has a husband for wife would actually be quite so scathing in their dismissal of them.

I’ve also noticed that when the reality of what divorce likely would mean for OP and her children is pointed out, no one had anything to say. It’s not worthy of consideration any more than the husband is. OP’s life being blown up is apparently acceptable if it means the sister gets half.

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 19:25

I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either.

I wouldn’t want you stay married to someone who thought it was ok to see my sister struggling because the man who raised her gave her nothing and my racist Gran chose to treat her differently.

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 19:28

@WonderfulYou

I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either.

I wouldn’t want you stay married to someone who thought it was ok to see my sister struggling because the man who raised her gave her nothing and my racist Gran chose to treat her differently.

You are making an assumption here.

£25k would make sure she is "not struggling".

It most definitely does not have to be £125k

Seriously folks. Get a grip.

Lovelydovey · 09/03/2022 19:28

What did your mum’s will say? If she was going to split it between the two of you (if your dad was no longer alive) - I’d give her 50% of what your mum passed on to your dad.

And what relation is your grandmother? Mother or Fathers side? If Fathers I can understand why she didn’t pass it to your sister. If mothers, I’d try and find out why she didn’t pass it to your sister before making a decision. Or did it somehow get passed on to you by virtue of one of your parents being deceased?

Walkingalot · 09/03/2022 19:31

I'm assuming Dad left everything to his biological daughter apart from 50% of the savings. They obviously didn't have 'mirror' wills.
I think a quarter of the equity would be fair. Say they (parents) owned 50% each. Dad wanted to leave all his to his biological daughter and Mum wanted to split hers 50/50 between both daughters. OP gets 75%. Maybe not entirely fair but either Dad didn't make a will - therefore everything going to his next of kin or he did - and he wanted his daughter to get everything. Would be interesting to know how this 50% of savings came about.

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 19:36

£25k would make sure she is "not struggling".

It most definitely does not have to be £125k

Most replies haven’t said to give her £125k.

No way would I allow my sister to have £17k whilst I got £250k.

17k is a lot of money but it’s not life changing money like £250k.

I personally would give her £50k which still leaves you with £200k.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 09/03/2022 19:37

Sorry OP, I have only read all of your one post, and the other posts on the 1st page, so I am almost certainly repeating something other PP's have said.

I think that you are in quite an unusual position in that you seem to have talked your husband into buying a more expensive house than you could easily afford, and you decided that you wanted to be a SAHM, and your DH, hasn't complained, and he still helps out without complaint. First of all, if one partner wins, inherits, etc any money, then IMO it should belong to both of them equally anyway. This whole problem should be considered a completely joint one, otherwise I think your DH should walk away, sorry.

In your situation I think it would be massively unfair to your husband to not pay off the mortgage completely, I also think that maybe he could have a couple of thousand to spend on whatever he wanted, then if you still have money left over go on a once in a lifetime special family holiday. If after that, and putting away say £10,000 for emergencies, you still have some money left over, then with your husband's full agreement on how much, give your sister some. If she is useless with money, only give her a bit, and put the rest in an account she knows nothing about, but is there for her when she shows more money sense, or if she has an emergency of her own.

Please don't break your DH heart over this OP by making him think that you care more about your sister, than you do your DH and DC.

Mistressiggi · 09/03/2022 19:38

I can't read all 7 pages with no update from the OP.
But I have seen this mentioned on threads before - as a half sister, she may stand to inherit something from her father's family

BambinaJAS · 09/03/2022 19:39

@WonderfulYou

£25k would make sure she is "not struggling".

It most definitely does not have to be £125k

Most replies haven’t said to give her £125k.

No way would I allow my sister to have £17k whilst I got £250k.

17k is a lot of money but it’s not life changing money like £250k.

I personally would give her £50k which still leaves you with £200k.

Most replies have implied to divide it equally. That means £125k
DontLookBackInAnger1 · 09/03/2022 19:45

Difficult.

You keep saying your husband is amazing, but, if he truly was, I'm not sure he'd feel he had such a hold over your inheritance.

I get, deep down, he doesn't want to lose any of the money. But he needs to know that's quite selfish.

You have to be able to live with yourself. Personally I would want to give her another £50k at least.

Is she bad with money? If so, I'd put it in her kids names.

loislovesstewie · 09/03/2022 19:46

So what has the husband actually said then?
As I said I got nothing when my stepmother died, not even the sentimental items that had belonged to my mother.
If my husband had inherited a large sum of money, gave a large amount of it to his sister and didn't use it to pay off our mortgage then I would be livid, it would let me know exactly where I was in the pecking order. At the bottom, that is where. Slogging my guts out would have counted for nothing!

Butteredtoast55 · 09/03/2022 19:49

It's important that you stop thinking if who has been left what and start thinking of your relatives' wishes. You are literally ensuring that their wishes - their will - is enacted. It was their will to leave their money as they did and they will have had their reasons.
Many people experience this from the other side where things are split equally between beneficiaries. This can seem unfair when one child or grandchild has been the main carer, but it's the will of the deceased and should be respected.
If you choose to give your half sister a gift, then it's your choice but I suspect your family were looking at all they'd worked hard to save and trying to entrust it to the person they felt was best placed to use it well for themselves and their children, and that's you.

saraclara · 09/03/2022 19:50

@WonderfulYou

I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either.

I wouldn’t want you stay married to someone who thought it was ok to see my sister struggling because the man who raised her gave her nothing and my racist Gran chose to treat her differently.

That. (The second paragraph if it's not clear)

If my late DH had been happy to see his sister get next to nothing, while he received 90% of his parents' estate, I'd be horrified at his selfishness and callousness, and re-consider our relationship.

Thank goodness I know that he would never have done that in a million years.

My Mum's will was similarly worded. From the moment that i discovered that, I was determined that I would put the unfairness right and split any inheritance with my brother. It turns out that I won't be held to that, as all my mum's money has gone to her care over the last ten years, but I would absolutely have split it equally. I couldn't have lived with myself otherwise.

Yellownightmare · 09/03/2022 19:50

@WonderfulYou

£25k would make sure she is "not struggling".

It most definitely does not have to be £125k

Most replies haven’t said to give her £125k.

No way would I allow my sister to have £17k whilst I got £250k.

17k is a lot of money but it’s not life changing money like £250k.

I personally would give her £50k which still leaves you with £200k.

This. It would give your sister a bit of a possibility of one day owning her own house but wouldn't leave you struggling either.

And don't forget you're currently having the biggest drain on your resources with three young children. When they're older and you can go back to work, you're going to be much better off anyway.

Nocutenamesleft · 09/03/2022 19:51

Ooh

It’s a hard one. But there’s a reason your sister didn’t get things.

I’d do what the wills said. As hard as that is.

Bananarama21 · 09/03/2022 20:04

Your post isn't it clear, has your sis been cut of her your father's estate? Your gran is completely separate but if your df did than I could give her half as it was her dm house.x

steff13 · 09/03/2022 20:06

This is so interesting.

There is another thread right now where a stepmother doesn't want to take a stepchild to an activity, and she is being told that it's the parents' responsibility to get the kid to the activity. But in this case, a step grandmother is expected by many people to leave half her estate to the step grandchild.

WonderfulYou · 09/03/2022 20:16

There is another thread right now where a stepmother doesn't want to take a stepchild to an activity, and she is being told that it's the parents' responsibility to get the kid to the activity. But in this case, a step grandmother is expected by many people to leave half her estate to the step grandchild.

This is a completely different situation though.

The step parent one has two parents and it’s about an activity that’s only 15mins away.

In this situation the dad raised the OPs sister as his own like you would an adopted child and it’s financial which would massively impact her.

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