Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

‘ If your dad had died first, your mum would have inherited then split it all in half.’

Not so. DD could have written conditions in his Will that gave his DW wife lifetime use of his assets & when she died, the estate distributed as he instructed. DM could have written her Will giving everything to the local dog rescue charity.

There are no laws or guarantees that compel a person of sound mind to leave things to their children. You can leave everything to an animal rescue charity if that is what you want to do.

All this highlights really that we should all write wills that reflect our true wishes for dispersal of our assets when we have gone. Not for nothing did Dickens write Great Expectations about the tangled & warping of relationships, circumstances & expectations when it comes to matters of inheritance.

@FairyCakeWings OP says she inherited everything from her father plus half her mum's savings. Have no idea how much it might be excluding the grandmother's portion - but personally I'd still prioritise my relationship with my living sibling than with my deceased parents and grandparent. And tbh I'd feel very different about a parent that could cut a sibling out of inheritance.

I agree with your point, I should have said that I think it would be fair if the OP shared the inheritance from her father with her sister. He chose to become a father to a child that wasn’t biologically his and he should treat all his children equally and fairly. It’s not right for a parent to disinherit a child.

I don’t think the Gran has that same obligation though so if she chose for her legacy to only to include those that she had a positive and loving relationship with, then that should be respected.

‘ If grandma was dad's mum, she might not have seen his stepchild as 'blood', especially if her son never legally adopted the child, and that's why half sister was not in grandma's will. She might have thought the stepchild can inherit from her own father's side of the family.’

This.
This is a reasonable.

You have said yourself that your Sister makes bad choices, why do you think she would be sensible with any money you gave her ? How would you feel if she wasted every single penny of it ? Your Dad and Gran knew she would waste it and choose not to give her a penny. Why not put some money in trust for her children ? You say your Husband has been fantastic and has stepped whilst you have had your own way, do you really want to snub him ?

He chose to become a father to a child that wasn’t biologically his and he should treat all his children equally and fairly. It’s not right for a parent to disinherit a child.
We don't know this without OP answering the questions about whether the sister was already given money that was already spent, whether the sister will inherit from her biological father and what exactly bad choices means.

@LowlandLucky that is one harsh and mean thing to say about a person whose faults seem to boil down to being a single mother.

And unless she's a completely feckless idiot then it doesn't matter. One could argue that OP has been just as reckless with money by refusing to go back to work but insisting on not only a third child but also a big house.

My sister is a half sister I dont ever really think about the half bit. She is my sister and I would split the inheritance. I would force a discussion and find a way.

I don't understand why you can't discuss this with your husband, if he is as brilliant as you say surely he will understand how you are feeling? He has no right to any of the money so wouldn't he respect any wishes you have? Is the guilt actually also about not going back to work and creating financial hardship?

@ChiefWiggumsBoy agreed! Also op said sis had made bad choices with regards to men, nothing to do with money! Also grandmother was racist towards her? Utterly disgusted at what I’m reading.

Give her your money from your mother as your mother clearly left same amount to her but not the money from your grandmother.

If it was me, I'd def have a discussion with her. She knew your grandmother didn't like her; that's not necessarily all her fault, and who in the room hasn't made bad decisions in their life?

Whatever you give her, I doubt it'll fully mend the bridge between you, but it should help. You don't need to give her half, but I'd def try to help her onto the property market if you ca or pop some money in a trust for her kids

You have to remember a will is that person wish not yours, theirs. It came to you because that's what they wanted, so no need to feel guilty.

OP, if you’re still reading this (and if it’s even true!), I’m not sure posting here will help you. Everyone can tell you what they’d hypothetically do by their own standards of right and wrong, but ultimately no one else is qualified to make the decision for you. No one else has to live with the consequences of whatever decision you make. You do.

I would consider it carefully, and take the ‘best’ course of action that would lead to the fewest regrets on your part. Ask yourself what you can accept as an outcome: can you accept losing your relationship with your sister? Your relationship with her children? Alternatively, can you accept losing your marriage? Selling your house? Can you accept sharing custody of your children and probably having to work full time again to support a home for yourself and your children? Realistically, that is what divorce often means.

There’s no ‘easy’ decision here imo, regardless of whatever anyone else may think. Imo it’s only easy to decide if you’re not the one that will have to live with the real world consequences.

OP it's a tricky one but as others have said, it would not be the act of a wonderful man to dump you over sharing your inheritance with someone who both needs and deserves it.

Her 'questionable choices' don't come into it. It's not fair that she is left with peanuts because her mum died before her stepdad. If your dad really treated her as a daughter, he was very remiss in letting it come to this.

I'm not saying you must split evenly, but my gut feeling would be that her share should be in the high five digits at least.

Either you give her half or you accept you have no sister anymore. That is the blunt truth.

As I understand it, one of her “bad choices” was having a child with someone of a different race - with your gran thinking that being racist towards this child was ok

Your dh needs to get the £ signs out of his eyes and you need to urgently rescue your relationship with your sister.

The fairest would be to divide up your dad's estate in 4 parts and give your sister one part, a quarter of your dad's estate. This would have been a quarter of your mums and dad's joint estate.
As your mother would have owned / entitled to half of this estate while they both were alive. So half of her estate should go to your sister.
As your mother died suddenly, she would have expected to have all of the ownership after he died.
You probably have ended up with more inheritance than if your mother had died after your father. As its likely she could have spilt the total estate between you and your sister.
Your sister's life situation should not come into whether she is some how worthy of receiving the inheritance. If must be horrible and very upsetting for her to realise after your father's death than he saw her so differently.
Your grandmother's estate is separate and if she wanted to leave it only to you, you are entitled to not share this.
Your husband needs to stay out of this decision and respect what your mother halfof the estate was more than her savings account.

I wouldn't give her anything tbh. Whatever you do unless it's half of everything she won't be happy. Sounds like your dad was accepting of her for your mum's sake but didn't actually see her as his dd otherwise he would have made provisions for her. That is incredibly sad and I could see why you might want to share some of the money he left you. I absolutely wouldn't share anything from your grandma who clearly didn't accept or love her. You do run the risk of losing a relationship with her and it depends if that is acceptable to you.

@LowlandLucky

You have said yourself that your Sister makes bad choices, why do you think she would be sensible with any money you gave her ? How would you feel if she wasted every single penny of it ? Your Dad and Gran knew she would waste it and choose not to give her a penny. Why not put some money in trust for her children ? You say your Husband has been fantastic and has stepped whilst you have had your own way, do you really want to snub him ?

This would be horribly controlling. OP should give her sister half (as this is the fair thing to do) and then hand over control of the money. DS is an adult and can make her own choices. If she messes up, so be it. OP will at least have done the right thing.

It's also striking that OP has been able to get what she wants from life, regardless of cost - three children when DH preferred two, a bigger house than was easily affordable. She has managed this presumably because DH provides a financial safety net. Perhaps now is the time for DS to enjoy some financial support. OP will still get a very comfortable amount of money if she gives half away.

Does your Mum’s will say what should happen if your Dad predeceased her? If the will stipulates that the marital assets should be split 50/50 between you and DSis then that is what she would have wanted and I would respect that and give your DSis some of your inheritance.

Did you grow up with her?

Does she know how much you received?
Will she receive anything from her side of the family?

You have a mortgage and have chosen not to work so sound quite well off compared to her as a single parent.

I would personally give her about £50,000 - which means she’d have £67,000 which is a hell of a lot of money!
It will also still leave you with loads to pay off the mortgage.

Was your gran racist towards her?

@SparklingStars10

Wow, imagine being raised by your father as his own and then giving everything to his biological daughter. That is terrible. Her relationship choices have nothing to do with this, so I’m unsure why you needed to mention this, was you trying to make her look bad, to justify why she shouldn’t be given any inheritance? If your DH is the perfect husband, then you would not be afraid to discuss giving your sister half of the inheritance.

People can be so horrible like this, when writing their wills and leave such bitterness behind. My dm’s mother died when she was very young. Her df remarried when she was 11. Despite hoping for children, it didn’t happen and my dm remained an only child. I think this was the reason her stepmother resented dm, and why she was very hard on her (taking all her wages once she started working and literally only leaving her enough for her bus fares). My dm left home when she was 18 and met my df. My dm and df married and had 3 children, I was the youngest. We visited fairly frequently and my step grandmother insisted that we all called her Nana and would show us off to her friends. However, when no one else was there she was a really horrible person (she told me when I was about 7, that my brother was her favourite and she would leave him money, but I wouldn’t get anything because I looked like my mother! I didn’t even know that she wasn’t my “real” Nana, but I really disliked her, because of the way she was!

My grandparents had a lovely house and were fairly well off. After my gf died, “Nana” told my dm that she and my dgf had discussed things and she had promised him that she would make sure that my dm would get her share when she died.

Around this time one of Nana’s nieces appeared on the scene, who none of us had ever met, and moved in. When Nana died, her will left the house, her shares, plus £100k to this niece, £100k to another niece, £20k to each of the niece’s husbands, plus a few other bequests, one being £10k to her solicitor (surprised that was allowed), with the residue going to the niece. None of her “dgc” were mentioned (not even my db), but my dm got her share….£1k! So the house my dgf worked to buy, all the antiques Nana had, shares and cash, meant her estate was worth nearly 1/2 a million pounds…. and my dm’s share was £1k. There was nothing dm could do, as she had never been adopted by this woman. The thing that hurt dm the most was that she never even got her dm’s personal items or her jewellery (dgf had just trusted that his wife would do the right thing)!

Your husband doesn’t sound brilliant OP. He sounds greedy.

But back to your dilemma. If I was in your shoes I would split the money with my sister because I love her and no amount of money could ever compensate for ending that relationship.

This isn’t your husbands money - he isn’t owed anything from your parents, your gran or your sister. Why should he benefit from your family money and your sister be left out?

We all have a core set of values. You need to find yours and live them. If you feel guilt, it’s because you know this is wrong

I would give money to my sibling tbh. Would your husband really not understand?

Where does the idea that the husband is being grabby about the money come from? The only comment I can see is that the OP can't begin to discuss it with her husband. That could mean anything.
TBH, I think she should be thankful that her DH is such a good husband, if it was me I would pay off my mortgage. FWIW when my stepmother dies I got nothing;my half sister got the house. She has far more money than me!

I’m really surprised at many of the responses here, but I suppose I shouldn’t be. Typical double standards again.

If someone posted that their husband had just inherited enough money to provide security for them and their three children but they wanted to give half of it away, they’d be told that the husband should be prioritising his wife and children. Especially when the family of five are currently being supported on one wage which is being earned by the person that is told they should have no say in what happens to the inheritance.

The OP says she can’t even begin to talk to her husband about it and that if she voluntarily gave half of the money away her marriage would struggle to recover. There’s a reason for that, and it’s fair. I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either.

What bad choices did your sister make that makes her unworthy of inheritance from your dad and grandmother? How was your sister while everyone was ill? Was she involved with care/helpful/loving/supportive?

Unless she had ignored the family for years and not given a stuff when they were ill I’d feel bad that she didn’t inherit anything from your dad/gran. At the VERY least I’d give her the other half of your mother’s savings. A lot more would be fairer. I understand your husband thinks you should take the lions share and repay a little of what he’s paid into supporting your family. But a good man should understand the dilemma and support you through that. Otherwise he’s as bad as your dad was.