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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sister Guilt and inheritance

399 replies

LadyJanestar · 09/03/2022 11:01

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 17:34

@whumpthereitis yes I know that. Fucking selfish though, don't you think, to say yesterday I had nothing, today I've got £250k as an inheritance from a parent who for some reason left out my sibling. Oh well, I can make use of all of that money so tough luck?

I mean totally fine if you're happy to sever ties with your sister and to live with how selfish you've been. I couldn't. I love my husband and children, I love my siblings. I can recognise a windfall is a windfall even if it's less than originally thought and wouldn't keep money under these circumstances.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 17:36

And it is an unexpected windfall as OP was not expecting every penny for herself!

@FairyCakeWings why is it better to honour the dead grandmother's wishes rather than the dead mother's wishes, or even the honour the relationship with a living sibling?

rogueone · 09/03/2022 17:37

What I find odd in your OP is you act like she isnt even really your relative. She was your mums child and you were brought up with her as a sibling with the same father. So you trying to stress the 'half' sister and going on about her choices is just to justify you keeping all the money. It was your dads choice and your grans who they left their estate too. However your father sounds like a shit if he raised her as his own then cut her off in death.

I have a half sister but she was born into my family, we grew up together and she is my 'sister'. So you keep your money and enjoy your wealth whislt your 'half' sister who made 'bad' choices which i assume is having two kids out of wedlock and is single and dealt with your racist gran can struggle on.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 17:39

@Doggoo

I think it would devastate your mother if she knew this had happened. Sounds like she expected him to go first and then she would’ve shared things equally between you two kids.

Awful situation for your sister. I would’ve split everything down the middle and never told her this had happened.

Since she knows, I’d tell her that clearly this is a mistake - that of course you’ll be giving her half and tell your husband that morally half of that money was never yours to begin with.

Do the right thing OP.

Agree with this and I can't believe the heartless way people are speaking on this issue. I can only imagine all these people that would keep the money don't have siblings or relatives they'd like to maintain a relationship with. And that's fine, but there's nothing to suggest that's the case with OP.
sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 09/03/2022 17:42

My siblings and I have sat together and agreed that IF this were ever to happen to us we would all split anything between us all. Our relationship is worth more than another relatives silly grievance or pettiness.

My OH wouldn't get a say

Gonnagetgoing · 09/03/2022 17:42

@Nomad916

I would give her 50k. Your his band may agree that's fair.
@Nomad916 - but 50K is not fair.

I used to work for a solicitors and occasionally we had relatives coming in thinking they had a right to an inheritance - one had a claim which wasn't successful. The other were DC whose father had remarried and left them nothing and they were entitled to precisely that, nothing.

We always felt a bit sorry for some of these people but some people (e.g. the DC see above) who came marching into our office presuming their father should leave them everything and his legal wife should get nothing!

OP doesn't have to give her half sister anything at all, but morally, if I were her, I'd think carefully as it'll just cause bad feelings all round.

FairyCakeWings · 09/03/2022 17:43

@ChiefWiggumsBoy because it wasn’t the Mothers money. Her wishes for someone else’s money are irrelevant.

There must be some reason why the Gran chose not to include the OPs sister in her will. It doesn’t sound like the sister and the Gran had a good relationship, so why would the sister automatically expect to get her money?

whumpthereitis · 09/03/2022 17:43

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@whumpthereitis yes I know that. Fucking selfish though, don't you think, to say yesterday I had nothing, today I've got £250k as an inheritance from a parent who for some reason left out my sibling. Oh well, I can make use of all of that money so tough luck?

I mean totally fine if you're happy to sever ties with your sister and to live with how selfish you've been. I couldn't. I love my husband and children, I love my siblings. I can recognise a windfall is a windfall even if it's less than originally thought and wouldn't keep money under these circumstances.[/quote]
I mean, I’ve literally just said that yes I could? This isn’t the insult you think it is. I would make no apology for prioritizing the security of my immediate family. Conversely, I wouldn’t go up to my brother with my hand out, expecting a cut of money that is not mine, has never been mine, and which I have no entitlement to.

Personally, I may or may not get an inheritance. My father may very well leave his money to be, but he may decide to give it all to the cat’s home. It’s his money, and his choice.

BOOTS52 · 09/03/2022 17:44

I would definitely give her something as she must be feeling awful about not been left any. What has her relationships got to do with anything about a will, that is just awful that she was judged on things she did in her life and not supported. I think you will never have peace of mind if you do not help her out. A little for her will help her loads and you will still have lots of money to go towards your own little family. I would call around to see her as am guessing she is feeling very isolated and horrible that a parent would leave a child out of their will like that regardless of what went on between them and it will affect her for her life.

BigupPemberleyMassive · 09/03/2022 17:47

If grandma was dad's mum, she might not have seen his stepchild as 'blood', especially if her son never legally adopted the child, and that's why half sister was not in grandma's will. She might have thought the stepchild can inherit from her own father's side of the family.

BOOTS52 · 09/03/2022 17:48

Also your gran sounds awful with such racist views and why do you keep calling her your half sister if you were brought up with her. It is your money and not your husband's and will you be happy to not give her anything and still be able to sleep at night. People change when they get money and get very selfish. Why would you not help her as she is bringing kids up alone and a little for her would mean and help her out so much in these hard times.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 09/03/2022 17:53

Respect the Last Will & Testament as it is. You have nothing to be guilty over. Honour your husband.

BOOTS52 · 09/03/2022 17:56

I just re read it again and so sorry you have lost your mum as know how difficult and painful this is. What would you mum have wanted. I think she would be absolutely shocked that her other daughter was left with nothing. A horrible thing that your dad/gran did as they did see her as family. I would give as others have said 50 grand but would set up a fund for her children out of that for when they are older. Go visit your sister and do not make money come between you or her life choices. I feel sorry for your sister and hope you help her out in life as bringing children up alone is very hard and if she has no support emotionally and physically she must be feeling very isolated now.

TravellingFrom · 09/03/2022 17:58

Where is the OP?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 17:58

@whumpthereitis it was a comment about how I feel about it, not an insult aimed at you. I also wouldn't ask tbh. Wonderful that it wouldn't affect how you feel about your parent and sibling if one cut you out of inheritance and then the other didn't share. I'd feel very differently.

@FairyCakeWings OP says she inherited everything from her father plus half her mum's savings. Have no idea how much it might be excluding the grandmother's portion - but personally I'd still prioritise my relationship with my living sibling than with my deceased parents and grandparent. And tbh I'd feel very different about a parent that could cut a sibling out of inheritance.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 09/03/2022 17:59

@TravellingFrom off being a 'perfect husband' I reckon!

PiperPosey · 09/03/2022 18:01

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]@PiperPosey there is nothing in the OP to suggest the sister has done anything other than be a single parent where the dad is less than ideal, and possibly have her child make a racist comment. Without any context behind that, I'm not sure your situation is in any way comparable.[/quote]
Thank you...yes you are right...sigh... Wine

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/03/2022 18:02

I would give her 50k. Your his band may agree that's fair.

But it's not morally fair. £50K would be a colossal gift to give to your sister if she had no moral right to it; but if she does have a moral right to a fair share, it's massively shortchanging her.

I understand your perspectives but which is more important to you, your marriage or assisting ? Then if you do assist what if it gets wasted on holidays ect and soon burns through it ? If I inherited a large amount of make sure I budgeted and planned ahead but not everyone has the same perspectives, some just see £££ and then it's shopping sprees ect

But if you agree that it morally should be her money, it's her business what she does with it. Unless her circumstances were such (as mentioned in one case upthread) that she would likely spend the money on drugs and end up killing herself or similar, it's nobody else's business if she decides to blow it on a massive spending spree rather than use it for more long-term 'sensible' purposes, such as on property or other investments.

What many of us on here are saying is not that OP should gift it to her sister, but that it already rightfully belongs to her sister - an adult. How would you feel if your bank manager refused to let you withdraw your own savings because they feared you might spend it on something (completely legal) that they don't personally approve of?

Springhassprung86 · 09/03/2022 18:07

Your poor sister.
You gran and dad sound fucking poisonous. Your husband isn’t much better (despite you trying to paint him as a saint).

Sswhinesthebest · 09/03/2022 18:11

If you were bought up together then she deserves some - probably half if she was very young.

If your dad had died first, your mum would have inherited then split it all in half.

impossible · 09/03/2022 18:12

Why would you only inheriting around a quarter million instead of half a million cause your marriage to collapse? Has your DH been counting on it (or have you been promising it to him).

You keep saying your DH is a wonderful man - why then will he abandon you if your judgement is different from his?

Personally I would split it fairly, as I guess you would have wanted to happen if they boot was on the other foot.

UniversalAunt · 09/03/2022 18:12

@LadyJanestar Your DM died & her will (?) left her estate of £34k to her DH/your Dad or did she die without a will & by default her estate of £34k went to her DH/your Dad?

Either way, your DM did not state in her will that her daughters were to be beneficiaries, have I got that right?

Then your DF dies & his estate leaves £17k to your h-s which came from your mum, which he did not have to do, & the rest of his estate went to you, have I got that right?

Lastly but by no means least, your Gran (assume that she is your dad’s mother & has no bio link to your h-s, leaves you another sum of money, have I got that right?

Firstly, my condolences for your recent losses, to loose some many people dear to you so quickly is very sad.

With all that loss it’s understandable that it’s important to acknowledge that you have fears of acting in such a way that you may loose more people dear to you through estrangement - hence the dilemmas.

Your h-s has also lost her mother & the bond she had with your father has not been proven after his death by inheritance. Here’s the rub.

Inheritances are not about being nice or being fair, nor is it a satisfactory way of proving preferences or settling scores, yet people persist in doing it. It is a legal way & tax efficient way of handing on family assets to the next generation. If you were to look at the hierarchical distributions of assets laid out in UK Intestacy law you will find the close blood family are up the top of the table & ranked, & then non-bio, non-adopted children are down the listing & can make a claim. My point being that your father was not your h-s’s bio father nor did he legally adopt her. So he was kind & loving to her but he did not legalise the relationship.

To unpick this - & I do so to make this logical - you mum did not directly provide for you or your sister in her will, she left everything to her DH, your father. You father fairly (& under no legal obligation) & deliberately in his own will made a consideration £17k equivalent to half your mother’s estate to your h-s & then he left the residue of his own estate (which included the nominal £17k from your DM) to you, his own child. Your father had no legal or moral obligation to leave his own money to your h-s, & as I said he was generous to your h-s.

Your Gran who has no biological connection (?) to your h-s was under no obligation morally or legal to your h-s & her will reflected that.

That’s the bare bones logic, then wrap that up in the uncertainties of your h-s’s life choices so far. Each of your DM, DH & DG could have taken advice, when they wrote theirs wills, about setting up a Trust type arrangement to leave something ringfenced to your h-s, but they chose not to do that.

Bluntly, your h-s is fortunate that your DH was thoughtful when he wrote his will. He had no wish to leave your h-s any more than the nominal equivalent of half of his wife’s estate.

If your h-s did has sought legal advice, it is highly likely that once the case is understood she has been advised that she does not have a legal case.

Let the dust of your bereavements settle a while & If you strongly feel compelled to do something, then set up a small investment fund for your h-s’s children. Howabout splitting in half the nominal £17k from your DM that got rolled into your Dad’s estate, say £8.5k & putting that into a fund for h-s’s children. That is generous.

impossible · 09/03/2022 18:13

@impossible

Why would you only inheriting around a quarter million instead of half a million cause your marriage to collapse? Has your DH been counting on it (or have you been promising it to him).

You keep saying your DH is a wonderful man - why then will he abandon you if your judgement is different from his?

Personally I would split it fairly, as I guess you would have wanted to happen if they boot was on the other foot.

Got my figures wrong... I mean why would inheriting half instead of all of quarter of a million cause your marriage to collapse?
thedarkling · 09/03/2022 18:13

Your poor sister. To me it's an absolute no brainer that you would give her half. Wouldn't even occur to me not to and I'm not close at all to my sister - it's the right thing to do. What would your mum have wanted? If your husband doesn't understand he's not the man you're saying he is.

FortniteBoysMum · 09/03/2022 18:15

Talk to your husband. Ask him to imagine the shoe was on the other foot. If you were a single parent left with nothing by your father how he would feel. Your parents actions are disgusting. You should have both been treated equally he chose to raise her that was a life time commitment. If my dp did this in years to come to my eldest whom he has raised since aged 2 I would bring him back to kill him myself. Talk to your husband about how you feel. What about buying her a property if not giving her money and putting it in trust for her children. Ensuring they have a stable home to grow up in but that if she had issues with money she cannot sell it and spend it.