Sister Guilt and inheritance

[LadyJanestar]

I have literally made this account as I don't know who to speak with, I have spoken with a friend but she thinks I am mad. this will be long as I want to give full background.

I am married to a brilliant man but things have been really tough over the last few years (as they have been for everyone).
The plan was that we would buy a smallish house and hopefully we would have a couple of kids and I would be a working mum. Because of me we actually went for a bigger house as I just fell in love with it. When first baby came along I didn't want to go back to work but I did but refused to go back after the second and then I wanted a third. I had my own way all along and everything was on my husband. Even though I was at home he still steps up with kids and house. Financially things were very, very difficult especially when the pandemic hit.
My husband completely stepped up to the plate when both my gran and dad became ill (not with covid) and it was debatable who would go first but it was actually my mum who died very suddenly before both of them. My husband was by my side every step of the way.

I have a (half) sister and it was only when we were getting married that my husband found out she was actually my half sister it is absolutely no issue and my dad raised her and all of his family accepted her. She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own. She inherited half of what was in my mum's savings about £17,000; I have inherited a quarter of a million pounds. Gran left her nothing and my dad left me everything apart from this £17,000. I want to give her half but I couldn't even begin to discuss this with my husband. My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

The money will clear our mortgage and set us up for life. My husband is just brilliant in every way, nothing like the men you read on here.

The guilt I have is a torture. My sister said something to my cousin about our gran leaving her nothing and has said that she expected to share the house with me. My friend has said that I should do nothing and wait to see if she gets a solicitor but it's been three months and she has done nothing. She made excuses when I asked to meet.

If I gave her anything voluntarily I don't think my marriage would recover.

What would you be happy with if it was the other way round?

So no idea of the figures here.

But I'd probably do something like a generational divide.

So the total amount is X I'd attribute maybe 25-50,% of the total to you and your sibling.

The rest divide between the next generation down with equal splits but apportion it to their parents (once trust funds for junior ISA 's etc are maxed out for tax there).

That way there's money out aside for children, money put aside for making your life more comfortable AND you'd have a sense of fairness.

In my family a will did something like this BUT there was also an allocation to the partner who had been a long term support too, that would be your husband. In that will the partner was also treated as a first generation sibling so half of the total estate was divided three ways. Then the remaining was split between 5 grandchildren and a charity, so six ways. Complex maybe, but it meant more went to the very supportive couple, everyone was ok with that.

@Thewindwhispers

“Respect the wishes of the dead” is such nonsense - they gave you the money to do as you like with, if you choose to give some away, that is up to you.

If it was me I would definitely give the half-sister something - probably £50k although chrck out how to do that while avoiding gift tax.

Your husband sounds great, so surely he will understand? You need to talk to him. Don’t say “I’ve inherited loads and wanna spend it” say “My dad and gran have been cruel and unfair and possibly a bit racist in their wills and I wanna do something to correct that as they’re using me to punish my sister and it feels horrible.”

Good luck!

This

Your poor poor sister. She seems to be getting whacked from all angles. Presumably she didn't have any contact with her bio dad, which would be difficult, and cause issues in her relationship.

Clearly she wasn't thought of as equal to you. She must feel awful. And now she's being punished again.

And it would be incredibly selfish of your DH to let your marriage suffer if you chose to right this wrong for your sister.

It's very possible your sister was left nothing because of her behaviour towards her family and had nothing to do with her being a stepdaughter/half-sister. Did she have much of a relationship with your parents at the end?

@steff13

This is so interesting.

There is another thread right now where a stepmother doesn't want to take a stepchild to an activity, and she is being told that it's the parents' responsibility to get the kid to the activity. But in this case, a step grandmother is expected by many people to leave half her estate to the step grandchild.

I don't think anyone expects that the non-blood grandmother should have left an equal amount to the half sister. The racist reason not to leave her anything is disturbing though.

As far as the stepfather is concerned, half of his estate should be considered to be his wife's (especially since the gap between the her death and his seems short). So he absolutely should at least have ensured that her other child got the same proprtion of her half as OP will.

@FairyCakeWings @whumpthereitis

Oh this poor fictional man, who the OP couldn't possibly talk to about this because it would ruin her marriage . He sounds like a prince. You know, based on the two comments from OP that she couldn't possibly talk to him about it as her marriage wouldn't recover.

Also - your quoted example doesn't mention the sibling getting done over does it? Bit of a different scenario.

@whump - no one has responded to your point about divorce because it's not relevant? It's her lookout if her husband would divorce her for splitting the inheritance - just like it's her lookout if her sister never speaks to her again if she doesn't. Sure it's a tough decision to make, but in my opinion, I can understand the sister's perspective but not the husband's. If that's even what OP means as they've just dropped this ridiculous story like a dirty bomb and vamoosed.

@BadNomad

It's very possible your sister was left nothing because of her behaviour towards her family and had nothing to do with her being a stepdaughter/half-sister. Did she have much of a relationship with your parents at the end?

I think if the OP could only scrape together "She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed" as examples of her transgressions then it's more likely there was nothing of note and it's just her dad showing his true feelings. Unless of course there was no will and he didn't adopt her and that's just how it works (I have no idea by the way, just guessing!).

This is your sister. She was raised and lived as your sister and a daughter to your parents. For her to excluded front he will in that way is awful. I love my sister and I would always make things right between us and treat her as I would like to be treated in return. What would your mother say about this unequal treatment?
You say your husband is wonderful but I disagree completely. My husband would always do the moral thing and he would always support me to do what I think was right. The fact that your DH would be prepared end your marriage if you don't start your sister, actually, to me, portrays him in the lowest terms.
I also think it's terrible advice from your friend to say let her sue you. She's your sister! Why on earth would you want this to be in court. And financially you'd both be losers.
Do what you know to be right and walk tall. Don't let other people's poor morals drag you down to be a person you'd despise.

[quote ChiefWiggumsBoy]**@FairyCakeWings* @whumpthereitis*

Oh this poor fictional man, who the OP couldn't possibly talk to about this because it would ruin her marriage . He sounds like a prince. You know, based on the two comments from OP that she couldn't possibly talk to him about it as her marriage wouldn't recover.

Also - your quoted example doesn't mention the sibling getting done over does it? Bit of a different scenario.

@whump - no one has responded to your point about divorce because it's not relevant? It's her lookout if her husband would divorce her for splitting the inheritance - just like it's her lookout if her sister never speaks to her again if she doesn't. Sure it's a tough decision to make, but in my opinion, I can understand the sister's perspective but not the husband's. If that's even what OP means as they've just dropped this ridiculous story like a dirty bomb and vamoosed.[/quote]
Of course it’s relevant. If OP’s husband decided to leave her because she decided to give away half the money then that would have a very real impact on her life, and that of her children. You could call him a selfish dick and say good riddance all you like, but it wouldn’t change anything and it certainly wouldn’t help OP who, unlike you, is the one that would have to live with the consequences of that.

OP losing her marriage (and what it allows her to do) is acceptable collateral damage though, apparently.

If my sister lost out because my gran was racist and the man who raised her abandoned her in his will, nothing would stop me from sharing 50/50.

But then again, I probably wouldn’t have been left anything by my gran either because I wouldn’t have had a relationship with someone who was racist towards my nephew.

As OP can disperse her inheritance as she pleases, & I suggest legal advice about the tax & timing of this action.

@LadyJanestar you could merge the £100k from your Dad & your h-s £17k & then split 50/50 giving you each £58.5k each. Your h-s has already had £17.5k of that leaving a shortfall of £41 for you to give her (or her children in trust) as an complete split of both your parents’s legacies. That would be an incredibly generous act on your part & I would do it through a solicitor to make sure that the documentation is tight so she can make no further claim on you.

Me, I don’t think your h-s has any claim on the monies you inherited. She’s fucked up her life & trying to grift money from you using any Fear Obligation & Guilt (FOG) hot buttons she can push. Your parents & Gran made their choices & they chose to give the money to you & not h-s. But the money is now yours & you can disperse it as you please.

My sister and I are full sisters. She has not always made financially wise decisions and my parents were a bit 😏 at things she did. But they left her 50% in the will because she's their daughter and they loved her. Unless there's something you haven't revealed, I can't imagine how awful your sister must feel to realise that her father/step father must never have truly loved her.

You're right, it is relevant. I used the wrong word. I don't think it's comprehensible to most people that a man would split up his family because he couldn't understand fairly splitting an inheritance.

But like I said, it's her lookout if her husband would divorce her for splitting the inheritance - just like it's her lookout if her sister never speaks to her again if she doesn't. Sure it's a tough decision to make, but in my opinion, I can understand the sister's perspective but not the husband's.

Just because you disagree with what's the reasonable course of action doesn't mean there's double standards - if this was the other way round I'd say exactly the same thing. And I think most people are going with the assumption that her sister would be very upset but her husband wouldn't be and she's overthinking as tbh it's completely outrageous to think a man would split up his family because he couldn't understand fairly splitting an inheritance with a sibling.

But all of this could be rubbish, we're all speculating like mad as OP clearly isn't coming back.

Has OP scarpered?
HRWT but I would think that sister has a very good claim on the fathers estate as she was raised by him. ( not sure about UK situation though)

You need to respect your dh and ask his opinion.it reads as though you have been "i want I want,me me me" for a long time and he has financed your wants and supported you.
It's time to grow up and do the same for your dh.perhaps he would like to keep the majority to take some financial burden off of himself and to provide for your children's futures.

Takes a real piece of work to cut a step daughter who he raised out if his estate especially when her dm died not long before. It then takes a bigger piece of work in a sister who lived in the house and was raised together to see her sister utilmately excluded from her parents will. Any decent human would have split the parents house equally. The gran mothers inheritance is totally separate. Ops dm made ensured the 17k was split equally of course the house should be shared 50/50. It's nothing to do with ops dh. Morally op is wrong and greedy to keep the proceeds especially when she's fully aware her mother would expect her to share like they did with the savings.

@KarmaStar

You need to respect your dh and ask his opinion.it reads as though you have been "i want I want,me me me" for a long time and he has financed your wants and supported you. It's time to grow up and do the same for your dh.perhaps he would like to keep the majority to take some financial burden off of himself and to provide for your children's futures.

Explain to me why OP's sister has to be the one 'paying back' OP's DH? She played no part at all in the decisions the couple made, and yet she's the one that OP's husband things should pay for them.

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

You're right, it is relevant. I used the wrong word. I don't think it's comprehensible to most people that a man would split up his family because he couldn't understand fairly splitting an inheritance.

But like I said, it's her lookout if her husband would divorce her for splitting the inheritance - just like it's her lookout if her sister never speaks to her again if she doesn't. Sure it's a tough decision to make, but in my opinion, I can understand the sister's perspective but not the husband's.

Just because you disagree with what's the reasonable course of action doesn't mean there's double standards - if this was the other way round I'd say exactly the same thing. And I think most people are going with the assumption that her sister would be very upset but her husband wouldn't be and she's overthinking as tbh it's completely outrageous to think a man would split up his family because he couldn't understand fairly splitting an inheritance with a sibling.

But all of this could be rubbish, we're all speculating like mad as OP clearly isn't coming back.

You know what is going to happen if OP vaporises half of her inheritance?

The husband has every right to never to pay a penny towards any discretionary expenditure ever again.

If OP wants a holiday, she can feel free to stump up the cash.

If she wants a nice meal, she can do so as well.

Some of you seem completely tone deaf about the question of financial fairness, which leads me to believe you have never really dealt with these type of matters before.

So yes, go give out financial gifts due to guilt unilaterally.

Just don't expect there to be zero consequences as this is not happening in a vaccuum.

You really can’t see the husband’s viewpoint at all here? Seriously? He’s the only one financially supporting his wife and children. Now, his wife has received an inheritance that would relieve some of the burden of that, and at least pay off the mortgage. That would mean that, should anything happen to him, like job loss, his immediate family would at least secure in their home. However, OP wants to prioritise her sister over the family unit she’s built with her husband, and give half away.

He would genuinely be a fucking Saint if he didn’t resent that. And it’s not ‘outrageous’ if it made him question his marriage.

I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either

This sort of attitude astounds me. OP’s DH has no right whatsoever to her parents money, her sister who was raised alongside her, absolutely does in a moral sense.

Some people turn into selfish animals when money comes into the picture and it’s disgusting.

Op made the choice to not work and to rely on her husband - now she’s worried he resents her for it, that is a separate issue and actually irrelevant to the situation she’s in now. Even if she were on the breadline you don’t need a quarter of a million to get off it.

It’s pure greed not to share.

@Doggoo

I wouldn’t want to stay married to someone that prioritised their sister over me and our children either

This sort of attitude astounds me. OP’s DH has no right whatsoever to her parents money, her sister who was raised alongside her, absolutely does in a moral sense.

Some people turn into selfish animals when money comes into the picture and it’s disgusting.

Op made the choice to not work and to rely on her husband - now she’s worried he resents her for it, that is a separate issue and actually irrelevant to the situation she’s in now. Even if she were on the breadline you don’t need a quarter of a million to get off it.

It’s pure greed not to share.

I imagine she’s worried he’ll resent her for it in light of the fact she’s been given a sum of money that would pay off their mortgage, and instead of using it for that, it’s all still got to be on him because she’s splitting it with her sister. Fuck his financial burden! His money is family money that goes to support his family, yet hers is nothing to do with him and it’s not his business if she decides to give half to her sister.

He doesn’t resent her now, but he very well may do in light of this new circumstance they’re in.

The sister has no more right to the money than anyone else. It isn’t her money, and indeed it was never her money. The people whose money it was gave it to OP, and as such it is now OP’s money. The sister has no entitlement to it.

She made dubious choices with men and my parents were disappointed. There was also some innate racism going on as well with my gran with one of my nephews. She has a couple of kids and is raising them on her own.

My friend said my sister made bad choices and this is what happens.

Am I reading this correctly? Your sister has mixed raced children and your grandma is racist and didn't leave her any money because she made a "dubious" choice of having sex with somebody who isn't white, and your friend thinks this is what happens when you sleep with black or brown men? You get disinherited from a will?

The sister has no more right to the money than anyone else. It isn’t her money, and indeed it was never her money. The people whose money it was gave it to OP, and as such it is now OP’s money. The sister has no entitlement to it.

You're wrong. Her step father gave it all to OP. Her own mother had no say in that.

There are any number of mothers on this site who have a blended families. I wonder of there's a single one of them who would accept it if their DH announced that if they die before him, he will give their combined estate only to his own offspring and ignore theirs.

@saraclara

The sister has no more right to the money than anyone else. It isn’t her money, and indeed it was never her money. The people whose money it was gave it to OP, and as such it is now OP’s money. The sister has no entitlement to it.

You're wrong. Her step father gave it all to OP. Her own mother had no say in that.

There are any number of mothers on this site who have a blended families. I wonder of there's a single one of them who would accept it if their DH announced that if they die before him, he will give their combined estate only to his own offspring and ignore theirs.

Actually OP didn’t state at all how the wills were organised. It’s entirely possible the parents kept separate finances and the mother split hers between her biological children, and the father passed his share to OP.

That said, if the mother passed the money to her husband in the will, then it became her husbands, and in passing it on to OP, it became OP’s. At no point has it become her sister’s.

I have a half sister, we grew up together as sisters she has a kid that I love as much as my sister. Not a chance would I let her go without and struggle and I know she would do the same if it were the other way around. We'd share it.

If I was worried about her wasting it I would Make sure she used it for a property too secure their future.

I think my husband would agree that she is family and should be treated equally.