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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
silentpool · 09/03/2022 05:48

This won't go well, OP.

I recommend you get a brown, pink or white noise app on your phone or Alexa device. I block out absolutely all neighbour/bird/ noise at night with this

Mumofsend · 09/03/2022 05:51

It's 20 minutes and a toddler. You are being ridiculous.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/03/2022 05:51

Wtf do you expect them to do? How do you think pointing out their kid wakes and cries at night is going to help. They can obviously hear him. We’re in the same boat as your neighbour and you complaining would just stress me out further and make me like you less.

Hugasauras · 09/03/2022 05:52

White noise and earplugs as first port of call! If you can deal with it that way, it's much easier/better for neighbourly relations!

thingymaboob · 09/03/2022 05:54

What exactly are you hoping to achieve by speaking to them about it? They will already know their child is crying! It'll cause them more stress than they're already feeling and I'm sure if they could stop the crying then they would already!

WTF475878237NC · 09/03/2022 05:55

As it's been five nights I would assume they're trying out a new settling approach ie this is temporary and I would not say anything.

SecretIdentitee · 09/03/2022 05:56

Get the ear plugs, let your husband who is less sensitive to the noise level wake you when/if your own child cries as I assume he would wake then as it would be louder.

Babyboomtastic · 09/03/2022 05:56

Reasons my toddler has cried hysterically, and won't stop in the middle of the night this week alone:

  • I won't let her watch cbeebies at 4am
  • she's peed on her favourite blanket and I won't let her have it back because its soaked.
  • because she didnt want to wear a night nappy despite not being dry at night.
  • because her dressing gown is in the wash. The other identical one wont do.

For all of these, I've been with her, offering comfort, trying to diffuse.

Just thank your lucky stars that your toddler either hasn't reached that stage yet, or is of a different temperament. Its a huge jump to assuming they are leaving her to cry.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:57

I would prefer not to use ear plugs or white noise machines as this would also mask the sound of my own toddler if she wakes up in the night.

Yes tonight it was 20 minutes and a toddler (coming up 3 just to clarify) but it can be longer, happen multiple times per night, and has been happening regularly for months now. I usually roll my eyes at these complaints but I'm exhausted from night waking by a child that isn't even mine. If they went in to him after 5 minutes I wouldn't mind at all but it goes on and turns from crying to screaming type crying.

OP posts:
Babyboomtastic · 09/03/2022 06:00

If they went in to him after 5 minutes I wouldn't mind at all but it goes on and turns from crying to screaming type crying.

Again, you have no idea if they are going in orc not. You are assuming they don't based in the behaviour patterns if your child.

Obviously I dont think its acceptable if they just keave their toddler to cry, but i think you are making huge assumptions, and frankly need to butt out.

CookieBlue · 09/03/2022 06:00

When I saw your post OP I had a moment of panic in case you were our neighbours!! Our DD is cutting her molars at the moment and is crying ALL NIGHT. It’s been hell on earth. I’m completely exhausted and broken by it. Her bedroom also backs onto our neighbours side and I have been so worried that she’s also been disturbing them, but what can you do? If we constantly go down to her it only makes things worse, so in our situation it is sometimes better for us to dose her up on calpol/nurofen and pray it kicks in quickly Grin.

I honestly think if our neighbours knocked to complain right now I would cry.

MyOtherProfile · 09/03/2022 06:01

Maybe if you have same age children you could go in alongside the neighbours. You could say hey sounds like a rough few nights, how are things going? Then you could perhaps have more of a sympathetic chat (where they also realise you can hear) and it could turn out that they are really struggling. You might be able to give them some ideas.

SpringRainbow · 09/03/2022 06:01

My eldest as a toddler (and to some extent is still the same now) could go for hours crying. They have thrown some massive tantrums in the past.

To the outside world it could easily sound like we just left them on their own to cry for hours on end. That we were/ are just really rubbish/ neglectful parents. That we just don’t care.

The reality was we were right there with them, trying our hardest to console and calm them down. Quite often, they would want us there but not want us there. Quite often the more we tried to do the worse we made it.

More often than not all we could do was just sit with them, ride it out, and try to keep damage to a minimum. Eventually we would either succeed and manage to calm them down. However, sometimes they just exhausted themselves.

We tried to get help, tried absolutely everything that was advised to us but nothing worked. They have a diagnosis now and they are on medication. They still struggle but they are much easier to calm down and console.

It has however taken us years to get to this point, it has not been easy and we have had to fight health care professionals. Judgement from others about our parenting just makes it worse (our youngest is absolutely fine and we have never struggled to console them so we can do itHmm).

I have no idea if your neighbours toddler is the same as my eldest. Maybe they are leaving their toddler to cry. I don’t know. Just tread carefully as neither do you.

SpringRainbow · 09/03/2022 06:04

For what it’s worth, they are particularly bad at night because they don’t like the dark, it’s quiet, and they get lonely.

molifly15 · 09/03/2022 06:04

My son has night terrors which are awful. I am often sat rocking him in my eyes soothing him and he has no idea and continues to scream 'I want my mummy' as he's in the middle of a terror. I'm sure from a neighbours perspective it probably sounds like I am ignoring him. You have no idea if they are going to him or not.

5zeds · 09/03/2022 06:05

What do you want them to do?

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:08

Maybe if you have same age children you could go in alongside the neighbours. You could say hey sounds like a rough few nights, how are things going? Then you could perhaps have more of a sympathetic chat (where they also realise you can hear) and it could turn out that they are really struggling. You might be able to give them some ideas.

This is what I was thinking. My OP has come across like I was going to knock the door and moan about it but I wouldn't be doing that. It would also gently let them know that I am being woken up so if they are leaving him, they'd maybe stop, but if they aren't we could chat and maybe they could vent if they need it. Parenting isn't easy and I don't want to be that person but I'm also exhausted.

I have a health condition that means I suffer with a lot of pain during flare ups, which I was experiencing recently, and sleep can be very precious because I become fatigued and it's hard to actually get to sleep when you're in that much pain. So this is an especially tough time with the night waking. I don't want to be a PITA but I'm shattered.

OP posts:
BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 09/03/2022 06:08

In our old (mid terrace) house our next door neighbours often enjoyed informing us of our crying toddler. They also accused us of leaving her to cry- which we didn’t at all, she was just a committed whinge. This only made a stressful situation worse for us as we were paranoid as soon as she began crying (which is stressful enough on its own). The only thing I’ll say for them is that they didn’t have kids, you have no such excuse. Get a white noise app and don’t speak to your neighbours, all you’ll do is give them something else to stress over at an already stressful time.

110APiccadilly · 09/03/2022 06:09

They might have a child like mine who actually cries more if you go to her. (Not sure what it is, but our best guess is that she wants to go back to sleep and a parent there stops her doing so?) Experience has shown, for us, that if she cries in the night and we don't go in, she goes back to sleep within five minutes. If we go in, it's literally over an hour until we can get her calmed down.

We do actually go in if she ever cries for more than five minutes in case something is actually wrong, but that's happened precisely once in the last six months.

I know you said 20 mins, not 5 mins, but it might be that for them if they go in that 20 mins turns into an hour.

I'm also not sure how you know they're not going in - again, if their toddler is like ours, it wouldn't be that one of us appeared and she stopped crying!

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:10

What do you want them to do?

Being completely truthful I'd love it if they gave him the bedroom at the end of the house, with them being an end terrace, but I'm not going to suggest that at all because who sleeps where in their house isn't my business.

OP posts:
clarkkentsglasses · 09/03/2022 06:14

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

PAFMO · 09/03/2022 06:14

You don't know they're not going into the child.
Older toddlers (coming up to 2-3) might be having night terrors. If so, no amount of going in will make any difference. My DD had them and it was as if she couldn't even see us in the room with her when she was screaming and sobbing.
Your own child WILL at some point disturb your neighbours. It's probably already happened but they haven't said anything. It's in that age group's job description to be noisy. Whether they're ill, overtired, having night terrors, want to eat spaghetti at 3am or are just playing.
If you do anything other than a very general "has he been ill bless him?" then you're opening up to them knocking on your door every time yours makes a noise.

BlueFlavour · 09/03/2022 06:16

Yanbu. Go and have a chat with them.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:21

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

Yes, the neighbour who has not said a word to them about this is selfish. You are right.

There's a reason I've come to AIBU first. I'm sleep deprived and shattered because of a health condition and have that leaves me fatigued anyway, without broken sleep (and not being able able get back to sleep after).

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 09/03/2022 06:22

Do you ever chat to them casually at all? I would open the topic saying something like Jimmy sure does get upset at night doesn't he! See how they react. It's also letting them know you can hear him. You will be able to tell if they are open to continue the chat or want to shut it down. If it was me in their place I would be mortified and be more than willing to switch rooms.

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