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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
ihatesoaps · 09/03/2022 21:00

@clarkkentsglasses

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.
Bloody hell! People like you are the reason I nearly topped myself from no sleep for months on end due to bloody screaming kids!

Thankfully now we live in a detached house and sadly though my nerves are on edge as I worry there'll be screaming kids every night and I waken most nights panicking....

Have some consideration for others??????

Thumpkin · 09/03/2022 21:22

I don’t think YABU. How is it selfish to want to go to bed at night and sleep? It’s not your child crying: of course it’s annoying to be woken up by a child that isn’t yours to deal with! Not sure people are getting the arse with you, but perhaps their precious children should be allowed to disturb sleepers, annoy people on flights, scream in restaurants etc etc because they are just children. Nah. It’s annoying!

Thumpkin · 09/03/2022 21:22

*not sure why people are

Whisktea · 09/03/2022 21:30

I don't think you are being unreasonable, having what sounds like a chronic health condition that flares with lack of sleep sounds really tricky as well. Although they might well be going in and trying to settle their little one they might not be, and even if they are it's a selfish attitude for people to think it's unacceptable to moan when it's having a big impact on you. In general as well people never know what their neighbours are going through or what they might struggle with. My friend used to live near a family who would let their child in the garden from about 6am making noise, she found it really challenging as there was no escape from the noise and it was constant in the summer. She spoke respectfully to them and they said sorry he has ASD we can't do anything, she has ASD too and the noise affected her to the point she moved; a child shouldn't always trump someone else's needs just because. She didn't expect him to be silent of course, or even any quieter- just not in the garden so early and for so long, sort of like being left to cry in the middle of the night by a party wall.

missymayhemsmum · 09/03/2022 22:28

DD was being woken by the next door neighbours arguments and screaming kid. We lined her wall with an acoustic wallpaper and wall to floor bookshelves and now she doesn't hear them. They could also move their child's bed/ you could move yours away from the party wall/ they could take him in with them when he wakes. You should absolutely have the conversation op.

Bizawit · 09/03/2022 22:33

Have some consideration for others??????

@ihatesoaps
Who!? The toddlers? Go ahead and tell them that. Parents try all the time, sadly toddlers aren’t particularly receptive to modifying their behaviour based on moral reasoning/ consideration for others.

NEWSFLASH sometimes toddlers cry. It’s awful. Especially when they do it in the night. No one wants to stop it more than the parents of said crying toddler , and would do so if they could. HTH.

Boxowine · 09/03/2022 22:57

YANBU from what you describe, it sounds as though they could consider moving the bed. Babies and toddlers do cry which is something that can’t be controlled but the environment can be. They might not realize the sound is travelling. There is no reason for anyone involved to be mean or nasty or harbor resentments but the adults should be able to try some kind of mitigation.

Buttercup54321 · 10/03/2022 01:37

Ridiculous. The world doesnt revolve around you.But carry on and point out the obvious. You may then need to add bad neighbours into your problems. Id be extremely annoyed if you whinged to me!!!! Your issues are not your neighbours concern.They are also dealing with broken nights and will be tired and stressed themselves.

Adebayo · 10/03/2022 02:13

Perhaps sleep in another room for the time being?

MimiDaisy11 · 10/03/2022 02:14

I really wouldn’t want to be neighbours with some people on this thread who think they’re free to cause disturbances to them and if the neighbour should dare even politely bring it up for discussion it’s the neighbour who is being self involved.
My neighbour mentioned they could hear my son and I made a few changes which reduced the noise. Being a good neighbour works both ways.

KosherDill · 10/03/2022 02:21

@MimiDaisy11

I really wouldn’t want to be neighbours with some people on this thread who think they’re free to cause disturbances to them and if the neighbour should dare even politely bring it up for discussion it’s the neighbour who is being self involved. My neighbour mentioned they could hear my son and I made a few changes which reduced the noise. Being a good neighbour works both ways.

Totally agree with this.

Imagine if OP were playing loud music or audiobooks in a room adjacent to the toddler.

EeeICouldRipATissue · 10/03/2022 02:26

Imagine if OP were playing loud music or audiobooks in a room adjacent to the toddler
Yes, because that's totally comparable Confused
Babies and toddlers don't come with an off switch like loud music or audiobooks do!
Unless I'm missing a memo somewhere and there's actually a parenting manual out there that tells you where the off switch is related?! Grin

KosherDill · 10/03/2022 03:43

@EeeICouldRipATissue

Imagine if OP were playing loud music or audiobooks in a room adjacent to the toddler Yes, because that's totally comparable Confused Babies and toddlers don't come with an off switch like loud music or audiobooks do! Unless I'm missing a memo somewhere and there's actually a parenting manual out there that tells you where the off switch is related?! Grin

Well, the parents could take the toddler to their room, or downstairs, for a ride in the car. They could add soundproofing to their side of the wall, etc.

They aren't completely without options other than to disrupt OP's life,

KosherDill · 10/03/2022 03:44

@Bizawit

Have some consideration for others??????

@ihatesoaps
Who!? The toddlers? Go ahead and tell them that. Parents try all the time, sadly toddlers aren’t particularly receptive to modifying their behaviour based on moral reasoning/ consideration for others.

NEWSFLASH sometimes toddlers cry. It’s awful. Especially when they do it in the night. No one wants to stop it more than the parents of said crying toddler , and would do so if they could. HTH.

And news flash, considerate people would not house the crying toddler in the room with the party wall.
KosherDill · 10/03/2022 03:47

@Bigkingdom

You may just have to learn the fine art of blocking noise out. My neighbours have 4 little dogs that randomly bark in the night and a child of around 11/12 with SEN who kicks off late at night screaming and banging. They have lived next door for nearly a year and now i can block it out and get straight back to sleep. I haven’t complained because i don’t think it is helpful to the mum’s situation. She’s a single mum, i’m sure she’d love nothing more than a peaceful nights sleep.
A single mum of a child with SEN who goes on to acquire four barking dogs isn't exactly the innocent party. Good lord.
Graphista · 10/03/2022 03:52

You have NO idea if they're going in to the child or not

This is normal toddler behaviour tbh and I suspect at some point soon as yours is around the same age the shoe WILL be on the other foot!

Start of nightmares, toothache, a cold, the examples a pp gave of various upsets that can occur around comfort objects...

Loads of reasons why a toddler may be inconsolable for 20 mins or so

1forAll74 · 10/03/2022 04:23

There must be some reasons, why a child is always crying at night. and for many days at a time. I never had to deal with this at all when I had small children. and had a quite regimented bedtime routine every night.

loislovesstewie · 10/03/2022 05:07

I've heard it all now! Take the child for a ride in the car! I mean how ludicrous is that idea?

BlueFlavour · 10/03/2022 05:52

Every night?
The parents are not comforting him. It’s that simple.

Bizawit · 10/03/2022 05:57

@KosherDill taking the toddler for a ride in the car?? 😂 are you a parent?? If you are trying to get a child to settle in the night, the last thing you do is start dragging them out of bed at all hours.

Bizawit · 10/03/2022 06:01

@MimiDaisy11

I really wouldn’t want to be neighbours with some people on this thread who think they’re free to cause disturbances to them and if the neighbour should dare even politely bring it up for discussion it’s the neighbour who is being self involved. My neighbour mentioned they could hear my son and I made a few changes which reduced the noise. Being a good neighbour works both ways.
It’s not about thinking you “are free” to make disturbances to your neighbours. It’s about recognising that some noises- like a crying toddler- are not always in peoples control. As a PP said, unfortunately toddlers do not come with an off switch. If they were playing loud music it would be a completely different scenario obviously.
Discodancinggiraffe · 10/03/2022 06:11

Many years ago when my much younger brother was a toddler and he screamed all night every night. A neighbour threatened to report my mum to social services The only thing that helped was my Dad taking him out in the car in the early hours of the morning and driving around until he was asleep.

Snuginagrobag · 10/03/2022 06:11

I'm sorry OP, this sounds really hard. If your neighbours seem reasonable then speaking to them might simply remedy the situation. Our preschooler has the room against the shared wall and if she was disturbing our neighbour we'd move her in with us for a while which would probably resolve the problem.

She has night terrors occasionally (which typically are at the beginning rather than throughout) the night and we move her from the room if one happens for this reason although nobody has said anything.

I have two pre-school age kids, neither sleep through and last night they were up hourly, so I do realise it's not often something a parent can control but also don't see the sense in OP's quality of life and health being so seriously impacted for the sake of something that may possibly be simply remedied by the neighbour's just because they might be offended by her mentioning it?

There seems to be a massive lack of empathy on this thread for the OP. Sleep is essential, not a luxury, and we all know how hard it is as parents but it must be harder to take when it isn't even your own child waking you.

All that said, if your neighbour's are as unpleasant as some on this thread you probably are best off keeping quiet.

Snuginagrobag · 10/03/2022 06:12

Neighbours not neighbour's

Pru19 · 10/03/2022 06:16

You’re being unreasonable