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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
20viona · 09/03/2022 07:48

20 minutes of crying is absolutely nothing get a grip

StrawberryPot · 09/03/2022 07:49

@ralanne - op has said it has been going on for months not 5 days.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 07:49

It take parcels for them about 5 times a week. I return their lost dog to them when it comes and sits in my front garden on the regular. I return the balls and toys that come over the fence. I fetch their bins for them that have blown away in bad weather

Ah yes. Like every other neighbour.
I do these things for my neighbours and they do them for me.
We say hello and send Christmas cards and gifts when each of us have new babies in the family.

If they came to knock on my door with faux concern about my toddlers sleeping when I was sleep-deprived they wouldn't get a warm welcome.

Hilites · 09/03/2022 07:54

I use white noise and sleep next to monitor works a treat Smile I think your instinct will always make you hear your child anyway Smile

Verity226 · 09/03/2022 07:54

@clarkkentsglasses

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.
Woah now hang on a minute, that's completely out of line.

The OP is being kept up at night by a child that isn't hers, she has health problems and needs her sleep so she can look after her child.

OP I'm in a minority here but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I say that as a mother of 3 small children one of which has autism and boy can he scream.

If my children were keeping my neighbours up I absolutely would swap bedrooms around if that would help.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/03/2022 07:58

Leaving a small child to cry themselves to sleep is barbaric. I don't even like little kids, but I wouldn't let one cry for 20 bloody minutes. A child cries if it is hurt or upset. If your kid has to cry for attention, then they need more attention. We're supposed to respond to their needs. I don't mean run like a slave every time they grizzle, but leaving a child to cry for a long time is neglectful and bloody lazy.

It's also rude to make your neighbour listen to it, knowing full well they can hear and not caring about the impact on their sleep. It's also really triggering to listen to.

I think I'd have a word OP, lack of sleep is much worse than an uncomfortable conversation with your neighbour.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 07:59

@CinnamonJellyBeans they're not letting their child cry themselves to sleep

Icemast · 09/03/2022 08:00

I have a health condition that means I suffer with a lot of pain during flare ups, which I was experiencing recently, and sleep can be very precious because I become fatigued and it's hard to actually get to sleep when you're in that much pain. So this is an especially tough time with the night waking

I think a lot of people are ignorant to what this is like.

NotYourOscarSpeech · 09/03/2022 08:01

I don’t understand how someone with a similar age child could lack such basic empathy.

Don’t go round there, they obviously know their child is crying so it’s not going to achieve anything (completely unreasonable to want them to move the child’s room when you yourself have said you would never move/switch rooms), the only thing it will do is make them feel terrible and probably make them less successful in settling because they now have the stress of you to worry about.

And to the posters who suggested loud music/being loud against the wall - there is a special place in hell for you. I can’t believe anyone would be so vile as to even have the thought of intentionally playing loud music against the wall to a sleep deprived family with a small child.

Shodan · 09/03/2022 08:03

I may be tetchy but I’ve just spent a night with my own crying child

Just the one night? OP has been woken every night for the last 5 nights, and for several months before this- so why is she not allowed to be tetchy? It's not even as though she can do anything about it except hope that the crying stops soon or that the parents are doing something about it.

Children cry. That's a fact, and we all have sympathy. But for god's sake, if you're so self centred that you don't even consider how your choices are impacting your neighbours, you should be ashamed. The decent thing to do, no matter how sleep deprived/tetchy/embarrassed you are, is ask your neighbour if they hear the noise and apologise.

And if you can't/won't do that, yes your neighbour is fully within their rights to discreetly mention it - especially if it's making them ill.

OP if it's any help- I used to wear earplugs when XH was snoring his head off, although I worried about hearing ds2. Turns out my hearing was 'tuned in' to his voice and I woke up easily.

CaptainMyCaptain · 09/03/2022 08:05

@afizzysweet

I would prefer not to use ear plugs or white noise machines as this would also mask the sound of my own toddler if she wakes up in the night.

Yes tonight it was 20 minutes and a toddler (coming up 3 just to clarify) but it can be longer, happen multiple times per night, and has been happening regularly for months now. I usually roll my eyes at these complaints but I'm exhausted from night waking by a child that isn't even mine. If they went in to him after 5 minutes I wouldn't mind at all but it goes on and turns from crying to screaming type crying.

You would still be able to hear your own child crying if you wore ear plugs. I wear them because of my husband's snoring and I can still hear him some nights.
Beees · 09/03/2022 08:05

A child cries if it is hurt or upset. If your kid has to cry for attention, then they need more attention. We're supposed to respond to their needs. I don't mean run like a slave every time they grizzle, but leaving a child to cry for a long time is neglectful and bloody lazy.

Hollow laugh. Would you mind telling my 2 year old that. He's not neglected, I don't leave him to cry. He doesn't need more attention, he's not hurt or upset he is crying because he has night terrors and doesn't know how to regulate his emotions. You sound like you've never experienced a child who cries a lot, lucky you for that you should be beyond grateful.

Ps if you actually read the thread you'd see the OP actually has no idea he is being left to cry it out.

livinthedream1995 · 09/03/2022 08:08

You have NO idea they’re not going in to him. My 20 month old often escalates for a bit if he wakes in the night despite me going in to him because he’s a stress head who wants the world and his wife to know he’s pissed off.

MintyGreenDream · 09/03/2022 08:09

I've messaged my NDN in the past to apologise for my dog barking(puppy phase,sorted now)
I'd expect an apology or a just bear with us message or chat for what the OP describes tbh.

EricCartmansMagicalUnderpants · 09/03/2022 08:11

If it's been going on for months then I would go and have a word with them, let them know your being woken up every night. I would be mortified if my child was causing my neighbour to wake up every night, and if I had an option to swap child's room then I would do so.

theveryhungrycatapillar · 09/03/2022 08:15

The only thing telling them about it will do is stress them out more when they are probably sleep deprived and stressed enough already. Unfortunately some kids are like this and at almost 3 I don't think leaving him to cry is terrible it's not like he's a newborn.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 08:18

I think a lot of people are ignorant to what this is like.

Honestly, it's absolute torture. The other night I was in agony and managed to get to sleep after taking tramadol to ease the pain a little (not a lot) but it only helps for maybe an hour then it's back to how it was and I can't take anything else to manage the pain. So being woken up and then to lie awake in pain is horrendous. So then I'm tired through lack of sleep but also pain related fatigue!
I'm just sharing so people understand why this is especially hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 08:19

I've messaged my NDN in the past to apologise for my dog barking(puppy phase,sorted now)
I'd expect an apology or a just bear with us message or chat for what the OP describes tbh.

Yes just a chat about it would take some of the sting out for me at least.

OP posts:
MRex · 09/03/2022 08:21

Lack of sleep is dreadful. I'd catch them for a chat / suggest a playground or soft play trip, ask how things are, say you've heard X crying at night is he teething. If it's molars then suggest baby ibuprofen to get him to sleep through. If it's night terrors then hopefully it's temporary, but you can suggest a GP trip in case it's tonsils/ adenoids causing that. I don't think suggesting they reorganise their bedrooms will be a solution that works and it would likely cause offence.

Blinky21 · 09/03/2022 08:23

White noise machines are amazing, mine was 25 quid from Amazon and blocks out neighbours talking

HardbackWriter · 09/03/2022 08:23

The thing is, on the one hand you're insisting this is a very practical issue related to your health condition and pain. On the the other you're saying that an apology and a cake would make a difference - basically that you'd be fine if you knew they felt bad about it.

Lockheart · 09/03/2022 08:24

I don't know why a couple of posters have trotted out "selfish" like it's an insult. Being selfish is not always a bad thing and damn straight you should be selfish when it comes to your sleep and health. You don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm, as the saying goes.

JS87 · 09/03/2022 08:24

Wear ear plugs/ fan on but use a baby monitor for your own toddler. You’d then hear them if they woke up.

Lovemusic33 · 09/03/2022 08:25

So you expecting them to rearrange their home so the child sleeps at the other end of the house so you don’t have to hear the baby/toddler crying for 20 minutes? I don’t think this will end well how ever nice you are about it 😬, why can’t you move where you sleep?

I know it must be annoying but I don’t think it’s worth falling out with the neighbours about. Hopefully the toddler will grow out of it soon and start sleeping all night.

Acesup · 09/03/2022 08:26

I think you're perfectly reasonable OP and I've had crying toddlers. When mine were little I was acutely aware that one of them shared a wall with a neighbour, and if I couldn't settle them quickly I always bought them into my bedroom to settle which was a bit further from the adjoining wall.