To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

[afizzysweet]

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

I’m really sorry lack of sleep impacts your illness but that’s for you to solve, not your neighbour. It’s not like they are blasting music, there is nothing they can do to stop a crying child. I may be tetchy but I’ve just spent a night with my own crying child, who is absolutely fine this morning but turned into a banshee at 3am and didn’t let up until my alarm went off. A neighbour knocking to offer me help wouldn’t go down well as I would recognise it for the passive aggressive complaint it actually was.

You are projecting. Why do you assume this situation is identical to yours? You absolutely don't know that there is nothing they can do.

@DorotheaHomeAlone

Wtf do you expect them to do? How do you think pointing out their kid wakes and cries at night is going to help. They can obviously hear him. We’re in the same boat as your neighbour and you complaining would just stress me out further and make me like you less.

They don’t go to their child, they let him/her cry it out. Maybe they could get out of bed.

They don’t go to their child, they let him/her cry it out. Maybe they could get out of bed.

OP doesn't know whether or not this is the case. She assumes to have assumed it was because she thought all toddlers were exactly like her own.

You are basing this on how your own child wakes and settles. Most of mine were the same but I had one who, once they started, ramped it up to full hysteria and it could only end by them exhausting themselves off to sleep. Didn’t matter if you were holding them, sitting beside them or in another room, outcome was exactly the same. If I had a neighbour come around it would not have ended well.

Maybe swap rooms with your child. In my situation, all my other kids slept soundly through their siblings deafening theatrics, I think kids are not the light sleepers you assume. Otherwise resolve yourself that this is part of terrace living.

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Put music on against the wall each and every time it happens. If they ask what's going on, just say you're trying to drown out the noise. I had to genuinely do this because of a noisy neighbour, it was less irritating listening to my music than their bawling and shouting.

Good idea. Perhaps force them to change their child's bedroom and play music earlier and loud.

@afizzysweet

I would prefer not to use ear plugs or white noise machines as this would also mask the sound of my own toddler if she wakes up in the night.

Yes tonight it was 20 minutes and a toddler (coming up 3 just to clarify) but it can be longer, happen multiple times per night, and has been happening regularly for months now. I usually roll my eyes at these complaints but I'm exhausted from night waking by a child that isn't even mine. If they went in to him after 5 minutes I wouldn't mind at all but it goes on and turns from crying to screaming type crying.

I feel your pain. We used to live next to people who believed in CIO

That poor child could screAMMMMMM SCREAM! SCREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHH! AARGHHHH' for hours.

I'd hear ''Shut up!' and slamming doors.

This was a social worker.

She had a very late baby {First} in her 40's, and I don't think she knew what being an actual parent for real was like.

Mercifully they moved.

The poor kid.

Don’t. Just don’t.

You have the option to put earplugs in and ignore. They don’t and have probably had far worse sleep than you so no kind of conversation about your sleep is going to go down well!

@TyrannosaurusRegina

Put music on against the wall each and every time it happens. If they ask what's going on, just say you're trying to drown out the noise. I had to genuinely do this because of a noisy neighbour, it was less irritating listening to my music than their bawling and shouting.

Did they ask about the music?

Long ago I lived in a terrace and the teenager next door would play compute games half the night. Loudly.
I put a fan next to my bed which drowned his noise out.
The neighbour complained (the fan noise annoyed their son when he was finally going to sleep at 3am) so I told them that I would turn the fan off if their son wore headphones to play his games at night.

They were embarrassed.

If you wanted to use earplugs/white noise but you’re worried about not hearing your own child then there are vibrating monitors that people with hearing impairments use (my friend has one).
If the monitor is in your child’s room then it should just be her crying/shouting that’ll set it off (and presumably if she’s loud enough she’ll wake up your partner even if he is a deep sleeper).

This is useful:

www.basingstoke.gov.uk/content/page/32976/A%20guide%20to%20dealing%20with%20noisy%20neighbours%20leaflet.pdf

*And yet you refuse to use a white noise app or earplugs in order to improve your sleep.

Your DH will hear your child in the night so why not just make your life easier?

Or as it's likely to be a temporary thing why not go and sleep on the sofa away from the noise?*

Please read at least my replies. I have answered these questions and have said I'll be trying ear plugs with a baby monitor. I've said why I can't sleep on the sofa.

No you're right but she appreciated being spoken to about it and the opportunity to chat.

How do you know that? Did she tell you?

I get that you’re tired but you’re being unreasonable. You can safely assume that even in the unlikely worst case scenario where they are wholly selfish people with zero self awareness who don’t care about your sleep needs, they do care about theirs and will be doing what they believe to be the best thing to get their kid to sleep through the night. And if I was them and you told me the barrier to the most simple solution was “my DH is a heavy sleeper” I’d laugh in your face and that would be the end of the conversation. Your bringing it up would also be the end of any desire on my part to maintain neighbourly good relations and I wouldn’t cut you one inch of slack on any even slightly pain-in-the-arse thing any member of your family did in the remaining years we lived next door to one another, nor would I ever do you even the tiniest favour.

I would prefer not to use ear plugs or white noise machines as this would also mask the sound of my own toddler if she wakes up in the night.

That's up to you. But you live next door to other people so you're not going to have it silent all of the time. If you're not willing to try anything yourself then yes YABU.

I have white noise on at night because of similar sort of things, noise from next doors baby and the road outside can be busy sometimes. It is what it is (it's never prevented me from being able to hear my own child in my house btw).

If I could live in the middle of nowhere with no sounds whatsoever that'd be great but unfortunately I do not.

You can't say anything, it won't last

YANBU & I'm shocked so many are ok with the neighbours letting a toddler cry it out. It goes against what many on here say.

I did Gina Ford & it didn't involve leaving either of mine to cry. Yet it's considered awful to do her routine.

It's not great parenting to leave a small child crying alone at night. Also why should you get no sleep when it's not even your child?

However I don't know how you go about saying anything.

YANBU

I think most posters are being unfair here. You say this crying has been going on for months, so I doubt they are sleep training. They shoudl ave the common decency to count round and talk to you about the noise and just have a chat. I’m sure you’d feel less anointed about it if they did.

*How do you know that? Did she tell you?

I get that you’re tired but you’re being unreasonable. You can safely assume that even in the unlikely worst case scenario where they are wholly selfish people with zero self awareness who don’t care about your sleep needs, they do care about theirs and will be doing what they believe to be the best thing to get their kid to sleep through the night. And if I was them and you told me the barrier to the most simple solution was “my DH is a heavy sleeper” I’d laugh in your face and that would be the end of the conversation. Your bringing it up would also be the end of any desire on my part to maintain neighbourly good relations and I wouldn’t cut you one inch of slack on any even slightly pain-in-the-arse thing any member of your family did in the remaining years we lived next door to one another, nor would I ever do you even the tiniest favour.*

Yes she did.

That's fine and dandy, but you know nothing about my relations with my neighbours. It take parcels for them about 5 times a week. I return their lost dog to them when it comes and sits in my front garden on the regular. I return the balls and toys that come over the fence. I fetch their bins for them that have blown away in bad weather, because they're juggling their kids and mine is with DH.

So kindly, take your smarmy attitude elsewhere.

I've just discovered that our neighbour's dog has been shitting in our garden so I guess it's swings and roundabouts 🤷‍♀️

@Mybobowler

Now this Is stoppable.
Why the heck haven't they a strong, high dog proof fence?

If you are in UK, a Dog Warden will help.

Take a photograph of offending dog in your garden.

I have a dog, and before getting one put up dog proof fencing.
This is something legally you can do something about.

I really empathize. My neighbour's kid usually screams for an hour at bedtime in the room next to ours (like 9-10pm). Then they wake up in the middle of the night crying, sometimes for up to an hour. It wakes us up. I haven't said anything as I can hear they're really frustrated and can't cope from the things they say to the kid. It has got better over the last 2 years, if that's any consolation. I've also never complained about the noise from their building works (3 projects now, and we WFH with all the drilling and banging). Unfortunately I think child and building noises are kind of unavoidable. I don't think you deserve the vitriol on this post and you are clearly very thoughtful about considering which approach if any to take.

Because it would definitely be helpful and reasonable to add criticism and uniformed opinions to a difficult situation?

You have no idea what is going on.

If they're irresponsible dog owners I'm more inclined to think they're not fantastic parents either and that they're probably not doing everything they can to comfort their child overnight.

@afizzysweet

*How do you know that? Did she tell you?

I get that you’re tired but you’re being unreasonable. You can safely assume that even in the unlikely worst case scenario where they are wholly selfish people with zero self awareness who don’t care about your sleep needs, they do care about theirs and will be doing what they believe to be the best thing to get their kid to sleep through the night. And if I was them and you told me the barrier to the most simple solution was “my DH is a heavy sleeper” I’d laugh in your face and that would be the end of the conversation. Your bringing it up would also be the end of any desire on my part to maintain neighbourly good relations and I wouldn’t cut you one inch of slack on any even slightly pain-in-the-arse thing any member of your family did in the remaining years we lived next door to one another, nor would I ever do you even the tiniest favour.*

Yes she did.

That's fine and dandy, but you know nothing about my relations with my neighbours. It take parcels for them about 5 times a week. I return their lost dog to them when it comes and sits in my front garden on the regular. I return the balls and toys that come over the fence. I fetch their bins for them that have blown away in bad weather, because they're juggling their kids and mine is with DH.

So kindly, take your smarmy attitude elsewhere.

Oh dear.

It's really awful to be woken like this and have no control over it. You really have my sympathy.

However, If it's just been the past 5 nights then I would assume the child is ill or something and this will probably ease off soon.

I don't think they can be doing cry it out with a 3 year old. That's for babies in cots. Surely the child will be a in a bed and would simply get up and go to his parents? I don't think you can just "leave" a child of that age to cry for 20 minutes. They may be trying to resettle him in his own bed or something else which he is protesting about. It's really hard for you to hear, but perhaps if you assumed that they were doing all they could then you would be able to release some of your anger around it. It might be difficult for them to switch bedrooms, for all the reasons it is also difficult for you.

I know when my neighbours wake me up with a party, it's more disruptive than say, a dog barking, because I feel angry at the deliberate thoughtlessness and then it's difficult to get back to sleep.

IF your own child was upset, wouldn't he get up and come and find you pretty sharpish? So it wouldn't really matter if you had earplugs in. Or your DH would wake up. So I would assume it's a temporary thing and do this to get your rest in the meantime.

But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

I’m sure they are too. No one wants their baby to cry during the night, I’m sure if it was as easy as just getting him to stop they would have done it already.
It’s been a few days, maybe he is sick of teething.

Oh WOW!! kids cry for all sorts of reasons. You have no idea if they are letting them cry it out or not. They're probably sitting there stressed to the nines with the child knowing they are waking the neighbours, making them feel worse.

I've been through this with my own ndn who wants me, in her words "shut my fucking kid up from shouting at night", my dd stims, there's no way to shut her up, same with a crying baby/child. You can sit there doing everything possible and nothing works and to be made feel 100 times worse by having a neighbour point out the obvious.