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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:

Icemast · 09/03/2022 06:23

@clarkkentsglasses

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

Your PND flared up 3 years post partum because someone was considering having a reasonable conversation?

OP it sounds frustrating, especially given the fact you have a health condition that broken sleep can exasperate- you're only human and understanding only goes so far when you're the one living it. I bet a lot berating you wouldn't be so ah it's fine just another night of being woken up no problem. As for what to do about it, if you get on okay with them id mention it as perhaps they don't realise you can hear, if I was the neighbour I'd look into moving the cot if the crying couldn't be helped.

Beees · 09/03/2022 06:26

I'm another poster who came on just to check your weren't my neighbours!

My toddler frequently wakes in the night and sometimes absolutely nothing I do has any impact on whether he calms down or not.

I appreciate you are tired and sleep deprived but surely the most sensible option is you doing everything you can yo get a good nights sleep.. You can fix the issue easily with white noise, earplugs or even sleeping elsewhere in your house.

What you can't do is reason with a 2 year old to stop crying because next door is tired.

YABU simply because you have several easy ways of fixing the issue and are refusing to implement any of them.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:26

Do you ever chat to them casually at all? I would open the topic saying something like Jimmy sure does get upset at night doesn't he! See how they react. It's also letting them know you can hear him. You will be able to tell if they are open to continue the chat or want to shut it down. If it was me in their place I would be mortified and be more than willing to switch rooms.

Not really. It would be so much more helpful if we did. I have suggested play dates before (having children the same age) but they've got busy social lives so I get it.

OP posts:

Tonsiltrouble · 09/03/2022 06:27

Oh OP you’re getting a rough time but I’ve experienced it and it’s brutal. In our old house our neighbours were very committed to CIO and we endured three children being left to cry from a very young age day after day for months on end next to our room (parents slept at the other end of the house with the door shut and claimed they didn’t hear). The worst was the child who was very close in age to my youngest. They had a very similar cry and I was woken repeatedly. It was awful and really affected my quality of life. There wasn’t any disturbance from our side as we coslept (so very different parenting styles in general).

People on here are being defensive, but living next to midnight screaming night after night is truly awful, especially if you are also being disturbed by your own children, and especially if you are at the mercy of someone sleep training their child.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:30

I don’t know if I'm missing a trick. Is possibly not hearing my own child crying/waking through use of white noise and ear plugs (DH is a very heavy sleeper) genuinely a good option? This is a genuine question, I'm not being sarcastic. There's no way I'm sleeping elsewhere in the house. As I've mentioned, I have a health condition that is quite painful so getting to sleep is hard anyway. I cannot sleep on the sofa, I will break myself. I don't have a spare room.

OP posts:

AlwaysLatte · 09/03/2022 06:30

I feel your pain. Crying children always brings out the alert instinct even when they're not yours. I can never understand leaving them to cry, we never did that (although as someone else said, maybe it's something they're trying to comfort them through. Or maybe they have an ear infection or something and medication is wearing off at that time?

MintJulia · 09/03/2022 06:32

More helpful would be to take some energy boosting cake round, knock on the door, explain that you are clearly both suffering sleep deprivation, and offer to take turns watching each other's dcs, while one of you gets a couple of hours sleep during the day.

HardbackWriter · 09/03/2022 06:32

Can't you move rooms? It's probably not convenient but then it probably wouldn't be convenient for them to swap around who sleeps where either...

Icemast · 09/03/2022 06:32

@afizzysweet

Im usually a light sleeper but when I used earplugs because of DHs snoring I didn't wake up when DS cried, although DH did so not a huge issue. If yours is a heavy sleeper though I wouldn't bank on him hearing, plus I expect it'll make it even harder to sleep as you'll be worrying!

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:36

Can't you move rooms? It's probably not convenient but then it probably wouldn't be convenient for them to swap around who sleeps where either...

I'm not taking apart furniture to navigate it through our landing because of somebody else's child waking me up. We don't have a spare room so it would mean every bedroom being moved. DD has just been really excited about helping to decorate her room.

OP posts:

OldSpeclkledHen · 09/03/2022 06:37

You are NBU

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:37

Moving rooms is also unlikely to help as I imagine DD would then wake up in response to the noise too.

OP posts:

HardbackWriter · 09/03/2022 06:40

Right. So you're not actually willing to try anything at all then, are you?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/03/2022 06:41

I really feel for you, because broken sleep is awful.

My 4yo (sorry!) still does this. Night terrors. I've tried different things and sometimes if I get in at the right moment I can ward it off quickly, many other times (most times) she'll sob for half an hour and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. If I could stop her, I would, but it seems we just have to wait for her to grow out of it. It's frustrating and exhausting and quite upsetting actually as a parent to witness. My neighbours are always politely insisting they can't hear us, which is a relief - I think I'd burst into tears if they tried to 'talk to me' about it.

I've never done CIO but my understanding is that it's effective fairly quickly (although may need redoing after times of illness, travel etc). The persistence of what you're reporting sounds much more like night terrors than anything else IMO.

Wnkingawalrus · 09/03/2022 06:43

@MintJulia

What an odd suggestion when you have no idea whether the two people involved work during the day.

OP I get it. You’re shattered. In the same way that when you live in a terraced house you need to accept more neighbourly noise, you also need to accept that you need to try and minimise the noise that you make yourself. It sounds like they are not doing that.

I would say something OP. A newborn baby yes, you know it won’t last for ever and very little you can do. If it’s got to the stage where their toddler is continuing to disrupt the sleep of neighbours at almost 3 years old they need to think about switching their rooms round.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:43

Right. So you're not actually willing to try anything at all then, are you

Moving rooms is totally unfeasible for us. I've asked a genuine question about use of ear plugs and white noise - see above.

OP posts:

Dentistlakes · 09/03/2022 06:44

YANBU to be irritated about it but there’s not an awful lot you can do. They probably fully aware you are being disturbed by their child crying, how could you not be? I suppose it depends how long it’s going to go on for. If they plan on having any more I would look into sound proofing or moving to a detached properly. I have every sympathy op, it would drive me insane.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:45

What an odd suggestion when you have no idea whether the two people involved work during the day.

I do work which makes it tougher. Thank you for your understanding reply.

OP posts:

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 09/03/2022 06:45

Just rereading and wanted to add - I'm also a hippydippy co sleeper like the pp upthread who contrasts with her CIO neighbour. Dc1 woke loads for years but nobody in another room of the house would have known, never mind a neighbour. DC2 can't help but wail when she has night terrors. She's right there either in her bed in my room or in my bed already, and she's inconsolable. It's how they work.

Alltheprettyseahorses · 09/03/2022 06:46

I don't know here... You rightly and fairly don't want to use earplugs in case your own child wakes up - is that a regular occurrence too? It's give and take and your neighbours presumably don't complain about noise from your house because you haven't mentioned that. On balance I think possibly YABU because if a child can't cry in their own home, where can they cry?

daphnedoo12 · 09/03/2022 06:47

Ridiculous OP. You have a toddler, surely you can empathise.

Original poster

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:47

I hadn't even considered that it might be night terrors so thank you for highlighting that.

I have considered moving and have looked in to it in honesty. We just can't afford it.

OP posts:

KatieKat88 · 09/03/2022 06:49

Try white noise and earplugs but with a baby monitor turned up loud so you'd hear your own child? They won't stop you hearing any sound at all so it would probably be fine. Worth a try at least!

Discodancinggiraffe · 09/03/2022 06:49

Pointless thread the OP seems fully committed to not helping herself at all.

Herecomesthesun2022 · 09/03/2022 06:50

I think people are being harsh. I have a toddler who is difficult, sleep-wise, and if it were badly impacting my neighbour I don’t see why they shouldn’t say something (nicely, please!)

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