To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

[afizzysweet]

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

Move. Otherwise YABU as it's a crying baby and you live in a mid terrace.

so when she did go through a phase of more persistent night waking I popped round to the neighbour on that side with a peace offering (cake) just to explain the situation. She was really nice about it and appreciated me speaking to her to let her know.

But even if your neighbours did that it wouldn't make any difference. Your issue is being woken up them offering commiserations and cake won't mean you're not woken up so you need to find a solution that will help you get more sleep.

You're right, could also open flood gates to noise complaints. There's plenty else that comes from their house tbf but then I imagine we make noise that we are unaware affects them so I don't want to cause friction.

But even if your neighbours did that it wouldn't make any difference. Your issue is being woken up them offering commiserations and cake won't mean you're not woken up so you need to find a solution that will help you get more sleep.

No you're right but she appreciated being spoken to about it and the opportunity to chat. At the time she said she never got that with the other side (long row of terraced houses) and really appreciated just the conversation and acknowledgement of our disturbance. I think even that can sometimes make a difference.

No, just don't.

They're no necessarily letting him cio. My toddler start screaming in the night and the only thing that works is my husband standing in her room and very gently talking to her. Picking up or any intervention makes it worse. A neighbour would only hear the screaming and not that we're dealing with it. But even if they were letting him cio, maybe that's all that works with their child? It's just normal family life noise.

You do need to actually try some of the suggested solutions, otherwise why did you bother opening this thread?

Have said above that tonight I will be trying ear plugs and sleeping next to a baby monitor

really appreciated just the conversation and acknowledgement of our disturbance. I think even that can sometimes make a difference.

Which whilst a nice thing to say realistically it didn't actually make any difference to her if she was being impacted by the noise. Just how if you have an open and honest chat with your neighbours it won't change the problem which is their child waking you up.

Hence why previous neighbours and your current neighbours probably haven't come knocking because they know that a chat isn't going to make any difference.

I truly don’t understand why people can’t see both sides of this. I’ve had the insanely loud child (trust me, she was vile. Nothing shut her up- day and night). Our NDN did approach me and say what I had been dreading, even after I’d bought her flowers and given her a card. I STILL understood her point of view. Yes it did make me cry, many times. But I cried because my child was a pain in the ass to the point that she was affecting other families!
I did listen though - I got up the second I hear her wailing, she began co sleeping with me in another room. It meant even less sleep for me and the neighbour eventually moved anyway. She didn’t even say goodbye, so clearly my efforts were pointless.
Despite having said this, I still feel bad. I am very sorry my child was so “bad”. I understand her side.

You need to tread very gently though OP. Because it’s true what someone said - once you break the code of polite chit chat, all hell can break loose. Maybe your child is loud in daytime and they can hear stomping, playing, whatever it is. We all do something to offend others, often unknowingly.

I’d personally give it a bit more time before approaching situation if that’s what you decide. Night terrors or molars cutting through is temporary. A good relationship with your neighbour is not.
It’s HELL for the parent of the loud child, trust me. I had to get sleeping tablets in the end and rope in other family members who lent me their homes for the night just so I could catch up on sleep.

Hahahaha

@afizzysweet

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

Yes, the neighbour who has not said a word to them about this is selfish. You are right.

There's a reason I've come to AIBU first. I'm sleep deprived and shattered because of a health condition and have that leaves me fatigued anyway, without broken sleep (and not being able able get back to sleep after).

And yet you refuse to use a white noise app or earplugs in order to improve your sleep.

Your DH will hear your child in the night so why not just make your life easier?

Or as it's likely to be a temporary thing why not go and sleep on the sofa away from the noise?

If my neighbour complained to me about my child crying at night then they’d better make sure they make no noise whatsoever as when they do I’ll be round in a flash to complain about it

Say what exactly? You can’t dictate what they do in their own home. The audacity

@Reluctantadult

I actually think it's fine to raise this tactfully with your neighbour. They might not know you are being woken. OK they might not be able to do anything. But at least they can then explain the situation. And on the other hand, it might turn out that they can do something.

I thought this when I read the OP.

Interesting that everyone else assumes the neighbours must be doing everything they possibly can be. It's just as possible they aren't aware their toddler is heard through the wall. I have known enough parents who use CIO, and not necessarily as a last resort, to not just assume there's nothing they can do.

I don't know how you approach this without causing a problem OP, but I'd say maybe set a time limit on it. Pick a date, and then make a plan if it's not calmed down by then. Pray it sorts itself out in the meantime. Your husband talking to the dad might be a better route, men seem far less emotional about this stuff IME.

Yanbu.

Months of this would piss me off, when my dd had night terrors I would take her downstairs to the back of the house during the screaming because I was conscious of the fact that there was a woman with a disability and her own newborn to deal with and a dad who was doing the majority of the night shifts with said baby as well as working all hours.

And that shrill howling is awful, she sounded like an air raid siren going full pelt.

Sleep is precious to everyone, just because we're going through a shit time of it there's no reason for others to be impacted. Some of the responses and excuses on this thread are weird...... I think you've peaked a few guilty, lazy consciences 😬

Is there a way you could move your furniture around? I think I’d do that first. It’s horrible being sleep deprived.

I’ve also taken myself off to sleep on the sofa if I’m being disturbed.

This might be a bit sneaky - but could you put something quite loud against the wall in a place that might disturb your neighbour? Not as a deliberate attempt to annoy, but to make them realise the walls are thin, and to open up a discussion??
I think you can approach her, but not a direct knock on the door/anything confrontational. Maybe more hints, subtle suggestions first.
It’ll hopefully be something that improves with time.

Also if you do wear something like sleep-phones (like are a headband with speakers) I’m wondering if there is a way they can be used with a monitor? And if your worried you may not hear your own child - if your DP sleeps through the noise next door, maybe he can be the one to alert you if your child is awake/he can get up to your child?

I opened this thread wondering if you were our neighbour. My three year old often shouts, wails and tantrums in the night and there's absolutely nothing I can do to stop her. Like others on this thread, you could easily assume that we're leaving her to it but one of us is always in there with her.

Just be assured that your neighbours already know it is disturbing you, and they already feel bad about it. Such is life in a mid-terrace. I've just discovered that our neighbour's dog has been shitting in our garden so I guess it's swings and roundabouts 🤷‍♀️

Try earplugs and see how you get on. I use them now (DSs are teenagers and are up hours later than me!) but I always hear my alarm.
I think they muffle sound but don't entirely block it out. So try them with a baby monitor. They could help.

My toddler wakes crying in the night because she's struggling with breathing. She needs her inhaler but wont let us use it because she is not 100% awake and its scary having something put over your mouth and nose when you are barely awake and struggling to breathe.

When this happens it does take us around 20 mins to settle her. We are with her the whole time.

There can be millions of reasons why a child might be crying at night and take a while to stop.

If it's been months I doubt its CIO. It'd have worked by now.

Can you sleep somewhere else in your house? Set up a camp bed downstairs for example?

You want them to move rooms but are refusing to even consider it yourself?

When my toddler DD cries in the night (tbh very, very rare because she's a fantastic sleeper) she'll still be half asleep. We try to console her and cuddle her or whatever but she just fights us off and keeps crying because she doesn't know what's going on.

Kids grow up. Give them time. They won't be loving it either. Telling them their kids causing you grief is only going to stress them out. Don't go round with any faux concern or pretending you want to be friends.

@HardbackWriter

Right. So you're not actually willing to try anything at all then, are you?

She shouldn't have to, it's not her kid

I’m really sorry lack of sleep impacts your illness but that’s for you to solve, not your neighbour. It’s not like they are blasting music, there is nothing they can do to stop a crying child. I may be tetchy but I’ve just spent a night with my own crying child, who is absolutely fine this morning but turned into a banshee at 3am and didn’t let up until my alarm went off. A neighbour knocking to offer me help wouldn’t go down well as I would recognise it for the passive aggressive complaint it actually was.

There is another adult in your house who can look after your own child if you don’t hear them due to ear plugs. Him being a deep sleeper is your problem to solve. I also have a deep sleeper partner - who has learned to get up when the baby cries.

Your alternative is to move, because baby noise travelling through the walls of terraced houses is to be expected.

Put music on against the wall each and every time it happens. If they ask what's going on, just say you're trying to drown out the noise. I had to genuinely do this because of a noisy neighbour, it was less irritating listening to my music than their bawling and shouting.

Sleep-phones. They come with blue tooth etc. Think some are more noise cancelling than others.

www.amazon.co.uk/Sleep-Headphones-Bluetooth-Ultra-Thin-Meditation/dp/B07QBK6MTP/ref=mp_s_a_1_10?hvlocphy=1007221&hvnetw=g&keywords=sleepphones+uk&hvadid=495317025541&qid=1646810270&gclid=Cj0KCQiAmpyRBhC-ARIsABs2EApMkmf0pXAmEEsUG1dFiKw3RqWOuzwTl8oDEmZO1Xv8ZdvDuDXZg8caAvPSEALw_wcB&hydadcr=24169_1752774&hvdev=m&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-341343963776&adgrpid=118411605338&hvrand=924144843789193035&sr=8-10

And put monitor right next to your DP’s ear - he has as much responsibility as you to get up to your child!!