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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something to next door about their crying toddler at night

371 replies

afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 05:44

We live in a mid terrace. Our ndn are on the end and they have the end bedroom, their toddler is in the room that backs on to our bedroom, I am assuming his bed is against our wall IYSWIM.

He goes through phases of waking in the night and crying. I have a child of the same age so I get it. It does wake me up every single time. Doesn't always wake DH.
The difficulty is that I think they let him cry it out rather than go in to him. For the 5th night in a row I've been woken up and listened to crying for 20 minutes and now I can't get back to sleep.
I can't confirm that they do let him CIO, I'm just basing it on the fact he continues to cry and gets louder before stopping after a while.

I don't want to use ear plugs because I don't want to risk not hearing my own child.

Should I say something? It seems like a really unreasonable thing to bring up because kids cry at the end of the day and it's not like we live in a dettached house. But I am getting fed up of broken sleep that impacts me the next day.

OP posts:
Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:50

I don't know here... You rightly and fairly don't want to use earplugs in case your own child wakes up - is that a regular occurrence too? It's give and take and your neighbours presumably don't complain about noise from your house because you haven't mentioned that. On balance I think possibly YABU because if a child can't cry in their own home, where can they cry?

She wakes maybe every 1 in 3 nights and settles in 5 minutes. Doesn't get to screaming, just a couples of little cries then shouts either mummy or daddy. She did go through a sleep regression stage which lasted maybe 2 or 3 weeks and I popped round to the neighbour on that side with some cake and apologised for the disturbance. She said it was fine and will just use ear plugs as she doesn't have kids to listen out for.

OP posts:
Reluctantadult · 09/03/2022 06:51

I actually think it's fine to raise this tactfully with your neighbour. They might not know you are being woken. OK they might not be able to do anything. But at least they can then explain the situation. And on the other hand, it might turn out that they can do something.

StrawberryPot · 09/03/2022 06:52

People like you are one of the reasons my PND got worse. The judgement. You have NO IDEA what is going on. Selfish.

What a totally ridiculous comment. The OP is NOT being judgemental. Or selfish 🙄. She's made it clear that she's not about to go charging next door to complain, just raise the issue gently in case anything can be done. I'd be at my wits end if I was being woken up - and kept awake - several times a night like that. And the op has said she has a health condition. I'm not sure why so many of you think she needs to tolerate this without at least finding out if anything can be done.
As for the comments that she should be the one to move rooms - even more ridiculous. The onus is on the people responsible for the disturbance to try to resolve things. Yes they may already be doing everything they can. But they may not.

Beees · 09/03/2022 06:52

I hadn't even considered that it might be night terrors so thank you for highlighting that.

No you just jumped straught to them leaving their child to cry which is why you've rubbed a few people up the wrong way.

What would you do if it was your child crying in the night unable to settle again? Surely if it was the other way round you'd move her into another room so whilst possibly disruptive in the short term logically that's your best option if you refuse to use earplugs or white noise.

As I said you can't change their child's behaviour but you can change yours.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:52

Pointless thread the OP seems fully committed to not helping herself at all.

I'm not. I'm asking questions to try and work out the best thing to do.

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 09/03/2022 06:53

I'd just be really wary of getting into conversations about who makes what noise in terraced houses - you will almost certainly find that there's noise that they're turning a deaf ear to but don't like coming from your house, too. Once you break the code that everyone pretends they can hear nothing then it can get pretty awful.

rattlemehearties · 09/03/2022 06:53

If your own child doesn't wake much then I'd say go for it with earplugs or white noise for yourself.. Tell DH he needs to step up and wake for your child if necessary because you need to get your health back. Presumably even as a deep sleeper he'd hear your child when she's properly awake?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 09/03/2022 06:54

I think it's fine for you to speak to the neighbours and in all honesty I think it's really selfish they haven't at least mentioned it to you and apologised. Maybe nothing can be done but then at least they've apologised for disturbing her. I think it speaks volumes on the people here who would know their child could be disturbing their neighbours and rather than a quick sorry, they just hope the neighbours don't mention it.

DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 06:54

I can understand your frustration and exhaustion but I don't know what you could say to them that will have any positive impact whatsoever.

MrsSantaClausitback · 09/03/2022 06:54

You’ve posted this at nearly 6am so hardly middle of the night.

Yes, it’s beyond annoying when it’s not your child but it easily could be. We have a toddler the same age and unlike her brothers, isn’t a sleeper. We’ve tried everything. Believe me , everything.

Having a word with them won’t solve anything. I’m sure they’ve tried!!

fluffythedragonslayer · 09/03/2022 06:56

I think ear plugs and white noise is worth a try if it's affecting you so much OP. The thing about your husband being a deep sleeper - interesting isn't it how often men are "deep sleepers" and us women end up conditioned to be light sleepers! What would happen if you weren't there (emergency and you had to go away, god forbid hospital stay) DH would have to step up. Well, you are ill and need rest so your DH needs to sort night times with your toddler for a bit and let you sleep.

Trendytrousers · 09/03/2022 06:56

OP I’m in this exact same scenario- apart from there’s 2 toddlers. I live in a flat and share a bedroom wall with one and then one lives below and I share the floor with another so I hear them both at different parts of the night screaming. The walls are so paper thin I can hear every word…!

I don’t have kids so can’t imagine how stressful it is for them but all I can say is you have my sympathy and I’ve opted to just suck it up because there’s sod all I can do. I’m sure they’re thinking the same but “this too shall pass”

BlueFlavour · 09/03/2022 06:56

@Beees
If my under 3 yo was waking repeatedly in the night crying and screaming I would be going in to comfort them.

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:56

What would you do if it was your child crying in the night unable to settle again? Surely if it was the other way round you'd move her into another room so whilst possibly disruptive in the short term logically that's your best option if you refuse to use earplugs or white noise.

Being a mid terrace I wouldn't be able to move her in to a place that didn't effect one side, so when she did go through a phase of more persistent night waking I popped round to the neighbour on that side with a peace offering (cake) just to explain the situation. She was really nice about it and appreciated me speaking to her to let her know.

OP posts:
Persephonegoddess · 09/03/2022 06:57

OP you are getting a hard time, I get it. They could move the child to a room that has less impact on you then you wouldn't have to do anything..... why should you be kept awake by something outside your walls? All those saying it would stress you out if something was said, the OP is stressed through lack of sleep.... so why shouldn't she voice it?

Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:57

I'm not trying to be a PITA neighbour and that's that's why I haven't, and am reluctant, to say anything. This has been going on for a long time.
The ear plugs and baby monitor is a good idea and I may try that tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
afizzysweet · 09/03/2022 06:58

You’ve posted this at nearly 6am so hardly middle of the night.

I woke up at 3.30

OP posts:
NoSleepNoSleep · 09/03/2022 06:59

I would speak to them. I have a small baby who breastfeeds and wakes several times a night, as soon as he cries or makes a noise I rush to quieten him as quickly as I can. We live in a semi and the master bedrooms share a wall, our bed will only fit on that wall due to where the door and wardrobes are so we have no choice to move our bed. When any of our children have been unwell as babies and we couldn't stop them crying we have knocked on their door to apologise about disturbing them (they are retired in their 70). Same when we brought them home as newborns, in fact we had a baby in lockdown and hadnt told them and they knocked to congratulate us with a gift, theyd heard newborn cries, I apologised we'd disturbed them. There is absolutely no need to leave a baby crying, they are chosing to. At the very least they can move the cot to the other side of tge room or at least off the wall and they could respond to their child, it sounds cruel.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2022 06:59

It's frustrating. Nobody likes being sleep deprived but I think if you go down the road of complaining or mentioning the noise, you may find you open a real floodgate of complaints.

I suspect there's noise you make that disturbs them too - so just be aware if you mention this, they'll probably turn around and mention something you're doing to annoy them too.

Beees · 09/03/2022 06:59

[quote BlueFlavour]@Beees
If my under 3 yo was waking repeatedly in the night crying and screaming I would be going in to comfort them.[/quote]
Of course you would and we've no way of knowing the OPS neighbours are not doing that, which is why it's frustrating the leap is always oh they don't even go in they just leave them to cry.

Sometimes you can do everything right however but even going in to comfort them makes fuck all difference. I highly doubt they have not already tried going in and comforting their child.

BlueFlavour · 09/03/2022 07:00

Yes possibly they have.

Billandben444 · 09/03/2022 07:00

So, the options open to you (according to this thread) are:
Wear ear plugs
Move bedrooms
Talk to neighbours
Move house
The only one of these that I'd choose is the ear plugs. I know your partner is a heavy sleeper but surely you should be looking at this as a couple. Is he ok with you having disturbed nights and feeling poorly because of the noise from next door? Has the time come for him to think of how he's going to hear his child cry in the night and give you a break because you've got ear plugs in? Would a mattress on your child's floor be an option a couple of nights a week?

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/03/2022 07:00

[quote BlueFlavour]@Beees
If my under 3 yo was waking repeatedly in the night crying and screaming I would be going in to comfort them.[/quote]
We don't know the neighbours aren't doing that.

Sometimes you can be right there and the child still won't stop.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/03/2022 07:00

It sounds really rough but it’s also one of those things about living in a terraced house isn’t it? We used to get all sorts from ours - screaming matches to piano playing.

sausagepastapot · 09/03/2022 07:00

You do need to actually try some of the suggested solutions, otherwise why did you bother opening this thread?

Living mid terrace comes with neighbour noise- there is no getting away from that, and if you won't try an app or earplugs, then that's your choice.

Don't talk to the neighbour about it at all- you'll upset her and it'll solve nothing. You have a few options, and you're choosing to be obstinate.