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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

176 replies

Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:11

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

OP posts:
Original poster
Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:16

I feel like their want of a free holiday shouldn’t trump my unhappiness in my own home.
But you could also say, my issues shouldn’t mean my husband can’t host…

OP posts:
Instawhat · 09/03/2022 05:22

I can see where you're coming from, but I think you have to suck it up! Where do the kids sleep? You say there are three, do they all share? If they're in two rooms, I'd move them all together and give the room to guests if you can. There's no reason the kids can't eat spicy foods, but a late meal would really piss me off! I think your DH should have words with his friend.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together.
We have guests like this. Since we moved somewhere with no space to fit in two guests, they stay in a hotel and it is a lot easier.

Ivyonafence · 09/03/2022 05:26

You're no longer a SAHM. You're a small business owner, operating out of what used to be the spare bedroom. What a shame your in laws can't stay anymore.

labyrinthlaziness · 09/03/2022 05:26

I don't think it is unusual to not enjoy hosting.

It wasn't something ordinary people had to do back in the day, because their houses were full of residents!

Just discuss your level with your DH, agree it, stick to it.

I hate hosting. I don't do it much. No problem. My cousin loves hosting. They do it. Everyone is happy.

MiddleParking · 09/03/2022 05:27

I think you probably should compromise re his parents - 2/3 nights at a time, NOT 14. I don’t think his friend needs to stay if you hate it but if your husband’s insistent then try and make him put in some ground rules about making the living room available ASAP once the kids are up. I agree with you, overnight guests are hell on Earth.

violetbunny · 09/03/2022 05:27

I'd say no to friends staying. With the in-laws I would tell DH if they stay then he needs to take time off work to facilitate it. I'm an introvert so wouldn't be happy with all the work of going falling to me for his family.

violetbunny · 09/03/2022 05:27

*hosting not going

autienotnaughty · 09/03/2022 05:30

I'm not a fan f people staying. I don't mind a night but anymore and I'm not keen. I'd say three days max. I think that's plenty for a visit like a long weekend.

Ivyonafence · 09/03/2022 05:30

But seriously YANBU. Everyone is different. Having house guests is no big deal for some people and a heavy burden for others. I don't think you should have to apologise for being who you are, especially if you're autistic.

I don't like houseguests either, it makes me stressed. I used to force myself to do it but I've cut way back. Its my home first, not a hotel.

If you can afford it, throw money at the problem and put them up elsewhere. Don't feel bad for having limitations, everyone does .

Darbs76 · 09/03/2022 05:31

Many people dislike hosting. I find it a hassle but do enjoy it usually and I’d never say no to my family visiting. Friends don’t tend to come to stay anymore. When I moved near London 20 odd years ago they used to come a lot, but now all middle aged with kids and not convenient anymore. Which does suit me. I wouldn’t want to host for 14 days though, so imposing a time limit is ok, but in-law may consider this to be rude

WTF475878237NC · 09/03/2022 05:31

I think you need to compromise to make sure you are both happy. Less nights and your husband does some of the hosting.

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 09/03/2022 05:34

Your home is your safe space. If you feel the need to I would have his parents over for 3 nights at the very max. His friend can stay elsewhere.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 09/03/2022 05:47

He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children.

That's very thoughtless of him. I wouldn't want him dossing on the floor, then hogging the kitchen cooking shit that none of you like.
He can jog on.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me.

14 instead of 4!
No way would I tolerate that. I'd have thrown them out the door after day 4.

You have a DH problem - on a massive scale.

Original poster
Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:51

Husband cleans up after them. I go to bed early etc, so he has to entertain them too. He does all the washing of the linens etc, so he is doing the hosting in that sense. But eventually goes back to work.
I have a little one, so can’t go out all day. So end up being the one physically present by default.

OP posts:
Original poster
Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:53

They left on the 14th day because I told them to. They took it well, but do NOT get hints. Example: asking him when he’s headed home: “I’m retired! I’ve got no plans”. Which is why I need to be blunt and say: “we don’t have anyone to stay - Covid”.

OP posts:
WTF475878237NC · 09/03/2022 05:56

Sounds like you both function at the extreme end then. Why not meet in the middle?

Original poster
Therealdealio · 09/03/2022 05:59

I actually booked a dinner at a restaurant and just told everyone it was to “farewell in laws”. And said: “do you want to do a load of laundry so it will dry BEFORE YOU GO HOME TOMORROW”.

OP posts:
HarlanPepper · 09/03/2022 05:59

Unless you live in a mansion, houseguests for 14 nights would do anyone's nut in.

coffy11 · 09/03/2022 06:00

I would hate that too. I couldn't imagine anything worse than having the inlaws staying while you're at home and husbands at work.

You should tell him that if they stay he has to be there the whole time, they're his parents. You shouldn't have to entertain them.

Ivyonafence · 09/03/2022 06:00

@Therealdealio

I actually booked a dinner at a restaurant and just told everyone it was to “farewell in laws”. And said: “do you want to do a load of laundry so it will dry BEFORE YOU GO HOME TOMORROW”.
Brava!!

Inspired to do a farewell dinner. I'm going to keep that in my back pocket.

Hadalifeonce · 09/03/2022 06:01

We have a 3 night maximum for guests, nobody has ever had a problem, it is your home too.
If family/close friends don't pull their weight, I/we actually say something, eg would you please put used plates/cups/cutlery in the dishwasher, not on the side? Thanks. They can't be that offended, they keep coming back!

Icehole · 09/03/2022 06:03

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Icehole · 09/03/2022 06:05

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expat101 · 09/03/2022 06:07

I also get overwhelmed with the thought of visitors staying.

I managed to back off a wee bit for a couple of really close people to DH and I'm so pleased I did, as they are easy care and help out as much as they can. I realised with them its my problem, not theirs.

it has helped having somone come in once a week to do the basics in the house, she has a set time she will work, but ends up with about 20 minutes to spare, so always asks me what would I like done on top of what she has done. Today was some windows inside and out. Last week it was walls in the hallway of gentle scuff marks.

In turn that makes me feel better about things. More presentable I guess. Perhaps try and tune into what is putting your guard up.

But definitely pick and choose who you will welcome to stay over. there are a ton of free loaders out there.

Zonder · 09/03/2022 06:08

How many bedrooms do you have? If the children have one each I'd move them around so visitors have one of those rooms and you keep your living space. And definitely a three night max limit. Or two...