I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

[Therealdealio]

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

I'm neurotypical as far as I know and also hate people staying. I start to feel angry and tearful after a while. We have three living rooms and a spare room and I still feel intruded upon!! I also don't really like staying at others houses and feeling like I'm intruding, not being able to eat what/when I want etc. Would rather get a hotel!

‘Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days’ Benjamin Franklin.

YANBU.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/presence-mind/201307/the-trouble-houseguests

@Zonder

How many bedrooms do you have? If the children have one each I'd move them around so visitors have one of those rooms and you keep your living space. And definitely a three night max limit. Or two...

I'm really surprised by suggestions like this. Why should the whole family rearrange how they live, and then children share bedrooms solely to accommodate people who occasionally stay?

The home is for the family, especially the children. It's not a hotel.

If guests are a nuisance or a burden then they are what should change, not everything else.

If you can't be comfortable and at home in your own house then where can you?

It’s normal to find guests difficult after about 3 days.

I think the problem is your guests, not you.

It sounds as though you don’t have any separate space for your guests to stay, but your guests make no effort to fit in with your lives - of course it’s hard!

Yanbu, OP. This is exactly why I don't have a guest room!

OP, I don't know if you are 'on the spectrum' but if anyone other than my closest sister, came to stay for two weeks, I'd be fit to murder them (or myself) too. I'd probably ask them what time their train was, and hand them their packed bags.

So you aren't alone, and you certainly aren't unreasonable. Overstaying a welcome is incredibly entitled and very bad manners. If someone did that to me, they wouldn't be invited again ever.

It sounds like your regular houseguests are incredibly thoughtless people- staying an extra 10 days with no apparent end? Expecting to sleep on the lounge floor until midday when there are small children in the house?! I think most people would struggle with this.

Have you spoken to your husband about this at all OP? Does he see that there is an issue?

Maybe his parents could be persuaded to stay a couple of nights, then go somewhere else for a while and come back for a couple of nights on their way home? Break it up a bit?

As for hippy friend, in warmer weather could he sleep in a tent in the garden? If not I actually think making space in one of the kids rooms? If they all share for a night? I know it sounds like a big compromise but surely it's less of a compromise than loosing your living space for half a day?

As for the late meal/ spicy food, maybe friend could be gently persuaded to do something else as a thank you or you could make it clear that his lovely meal is adults only and needs to be served after kids are put to bed?

I also find hosting complete torture.
We've historically done tonnes of it, but through the lockdowns I realised how tiring I find it. And now I have a very stressful job, I'm burnt out by the weekend and NEED to sit alone in front of the tv for large chunks of time at the weekend, or go for a long hike.
But, I put up with it.
When my inlaws come to stay, I make sure I have plans during the day - my husband can entertain them - but will join them for dinner. With all guests, I excuse myself for an afternoon 'nap' - I don't actually sleep, but I need to lay on the bed on my own for an hour.
OP, I don't think it's acceptable for you to ban guests as it will significantly impact your husband's life.

Many people would rather give the guest a bedroom than have to step over a guest in the living area - it’s a very normal thing to do, if it feels like the easiest option.

You would still expect them to respect your home and not overstay their welcome.

I try to invite different guests at the same time. We have a biggish house. That way they entertain each other and it's actually less tiring. You could Invite the hippy and in-laws at the same time, then make yourself scarce. They'll probably never come again ! I cook one or two meals then feed kids separately and let it be known that they can organise meals too.

I’m fine with having guests over to stay and don’t mind visitors. But not for 14 nights! I think that would be too much for most people unless you had staff to clean and cook. I also wouldn’t like them sleeping in the living room.

I feel your pain.

I live on the coast and people always try to stay here to get a free holiday. They often arrive empty handed and don't offer to help/don't go to the shops for for. So now I'm quite blunt and only have people stay for one night, and tell them what to bring "I'll cook an evening meal but don't forget to bring a packed lunch!" For example.

It was really hard the first year I moved here. Lovely friends would come for the weekend with their whole families and I'd end up supplying all the food and then they'd leave empty handed. It made me so cross and upset with people who I'd previously only ever had positive associations with.

So now I'm much more clear oh my expectations. You can stay one night, I will cook an evening meal on that night and you have to provide your own food for the rest of the time.

And I also now just tell the visiting children to tidy up when they make a mess. And it's someone asks if they can help I give them a job.

Still hate visitors.

I actually like having visitors, but everyone who comes helps, we have 2 spare bedrooms, and they never outstay their welcome, so you have my sympathy.

Your DH needs to be blunt with his parents and agree the (maximum of 4) days they will be staying. He also needs to be blunt with his friend.

Just to manage your expectations though - with 3 children your house will get busier when they have friends round.

Oh no, I don’t have people staying at my house !
If they want to visit they need to book a hotel or B&B.

Marriage involves compromise so, no matter what people on here say, you are going to have to negotiate with your dh.

Compromise can involve you paying for alternative accommodation for visitors, or reducing the length of stays, or him picking up more of the work involved in hosting them, or a combination of the above. But I dont think you can say "no more ever".

I feel the same, but have been forced into hosting for long periods as my family live on the other side of the world. It’s not frequent- maybe once every few years but has at times been for over a month and I hate it! I need my space!
Working from home has been the game changer as the spare room is now my ‘office’ during the week so they have been told they can stay at weekends but during the week they need to get a hotel. Could you engineer something like this?

So your husbands family and friends turn up.

Friend behaves like a slovenly teenager and expects you to be delighted when he cooks you one meal in exchange for you all inconveniencing yourselves for days on end for him.

His family move in expect constant entertaining till you effectively tell them to leave.

Bet your husband wouldn’t agree to them visiting so often if he was stuck with them and you merrily trolled off out to work. And/or they were your guests and he was the one lumped with them.

You're not unusual to feel this way, you're normal.

Your in-laws are massive piss-takers.

Your DH might be happy with the idea of hosting but he isn't there to do it.

You're the default host, so you set the rules.

If your DH really wants them to stay, he can make plans with them, for the amount of time he's available to do the job of entertaining them.

Sorry but unless I had extra bedrooms and numerous bathrooms I would absolutely hate it! Never minded teenagers staying over but not friends! . I booked air bnb when my bestie came over from NZ ..it was great she could dip in and out of our mad house ,have privacy and it was great bolthole for us to disappear off to in the evenings!

Im with you OP. I hate the idea of hosting. I hate rude, inconsiderate people in my home but then I also get a bit antsy when people try to help.

Tell your husband his guests are always rude and lazy and outstay their welcome so they'll need to find somewhere else to stay next time they visit.

3 nights max visit sounds more than reasonable. Make your DH explain it to them, and if they stay more than 3 nights, well then they can't respect normal boundaries so no more overnights for them.

I don't mind visitors, but when US visitors come they tend to stay for a week minimum. I find it really hard, because although I love them so much, I'm more than ready for them to go by the end of it.

I HATE having overnight guests, DP would have people every weekend. We also live in an area people want to stay in as a weekend break (think naice market town with lots of stunning countryside).
We reached a compromise that family can stay friends get air bnb.

Your choice and reasonable in my opinion, though you should accept it works both ways and you may have to stay in a hotel for certain events/trips.