Page 7 | I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

oioimatey · 09/03/2022 11:50

I got rid of my sofabed to deter guests from staying for more than two nights in a row.

QuimReaper · 09/03/2022 11:53

@Gonnagetgoing He bloody is a prize idiot!

What is really tricky is that not only does he not actively do anything when guests come (change sheets, make sure the room is tidy, think about food) but he insists on not caring about that stuff and leaving them to fend for themselves. I've pointed out to him that if he went to stay with someone and they gave him a pillow covered in cat hair and didn't have any food in for him he'd almost certainly remark on it, but when it's his guests his laziness (obviously) takes precedence. When we've had the odd occasion where 'his' guest (i.e. a friend of his who I don't know well stayed recently before catching a flight) the compromise seems to be that I tell him what he needs to do and he does it, which I guess works, even if it's annoying. But when it's the couple I described above they came through me, and so I feel responsible for them even when I didn't invite them.

Ultimately I think if I want them to stop treating our house like a lovely free hotel, I need to make it less attractive for them to stay. It goes against my instincts though. Damn female socialisation.

NuclearBunker · 09/03/2022 12:08

Definitely feel this. My in laws are coming over in June and I already know i will be expected to host. Which means several meals, entertainment, listening to FIL talk at me, listening to him complain about everything to do with our home....:

I've already got massive anxiety about it

BigSkies22 · 09/03/2022 12:08

@QuimReaper

can you have unspecified decorating/renovation works going on, that will render the house less welcoming, and provide hotel/AirB&B information? And once it's been done once, you can say ever after, "oh, it was so lovely being able to just meet up and socialise then skip off to our own spaces, let's do it that way again. All the fun, none of the effort!"

Thing is, I don't really like staying at other people's places either. I would be more than happy to travel to Australia and not stay at my in-laws'.

Nc123 · 09/03/2022 12:21

@Therealdealio

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

It sounds like you haven’t had any boundaries in place with your guests, and you now want to go from zero boundaries to 100. Maybe what you need to do is to discuss what’s reasonable with your husband and agree some middle ground.

Your husband’s friend: move one of the kids in with you or with the others to avoid them taking up the sitting room. Or the friend needs to make the sitting room available as soon as the kids are up. If they cook the lovely meal, ask them to make something that works for the kids as well, or alternatively, if you like the spicy deliciousness, just give the kids fish fingers that night.

Your in laws: set some basic ground rules. They must tidy up after themselves, they need to help, and they need to go home when they say they will. Make sure you arrange something for the night after they are due to leave that means they can’t decide to stay on. Atm it sounds like they’re happy to treat you as staff and be waited on hand and foot, but that doesn’t work for you, and you need to work with your husband to stop it.

Incidentally, perhaps the reason why your husband likes hosting is because you are the one who is doing the difficult bits- waiting on your in laws, dealing with the friend sleeping in the sitting room. So make sure that he pulls his weight with anybody coming to stay, whether that’s by having one of your kids sleep in with you while the friend has their room, or extra cooking and cleaning for the in laws. If he starts to find it more of an inconvenience he may start to appreciate more how it feels for you.

Nc123 · 09/03/2022 12:23

And don’t offer to pay for a hotel! If they’re willing to stay 14 nights at your house they could bankrupt you by the time you’ve anted up for a hotel room. If they want a holiday, let them have it at their expense, not yours

QuimReaper · 09/03/2022 13:35

BigSkies I might think about that, we do need to redecorate the hall - having workmen in isn't much better though, so I'd be cutting off my nose to spite my face a bit!

To be honest I thought the requests would dry up now they've had a baby. I'd think it'd be easier for them to get an Air BnB than to bounce around spare rooms with a toddler in tow I'm sure he's a delight, but it's a different request again to ask us to put all of them up.

RealBecca · 09/03/2022 13:51

Why would your husband mind, it doesnt sound like it inconveniences him much at all.

LittleGwyneth · 09/03/2022 14:03

Really tricky. I also find people staying fairly stressful, despite being a massive extrovert. But I think a blanket policy is probably a bit much. What will you do when the children want to have friends or partners to stay?

I would be inclined to say that you only ever have anyone to stay for one night, and that after that they have to go elsewhere.

BigSkies22 · 09/03/2022 14:03

QuimReaper - surely you don't actually have to have the work done? You can say it's booked, and then if it doesn't happen, well, decorators are in such demand at the moment, they rescheduled. My theory, (possibly unfounded, but you know your friends best, obviously) is that you only need to break the pattern once, then you can smoothly establish them staying elsewhere and joining up for outings/meals as the new norm, much more delightful and rational for all concerned.

UnsuitableHat · 09/03/2022 14:24

I think you have to be really clear and assertive with this sort of thing- I know people who are, so that you know exactly where their boundaries are, but it’s hard if you aren’t used to being like that.
I can’t imagine the mentality of someone who’d drag a 3 night stay out to 14 and think that wouldn’t be a problem.

Needaholidayplease · 09/03/2022 14:49

I HATE people staying in my house, even my own parents/siblings. I hate the awkwardness around the bathroom, having to be constantly 'on', all the cups of tea, the hangovers if we've stayed up late. I would a hundred percent just have a no overnight visitors rule.

RampantIvy · 09/03/2022 17:10

I hate the awkwardness around the bathroom,

Having an en suite (much disliked by many mumsnetters ) is brilliant for this. We use our bathroom, and guests get their own bathroom.

Calandor · 09/03/2022 17:21

I get it. I despise hosting overnight. Dinner or something? Love, overnight? Vile.

We have a 2 night limit.

Want2beme · 09/03/2022 17:31

I don't like it either. I actually don't get why people want to stay in someone else's home.

coodawoodashooda · 09/03/2022 18:37

@Calandor

I get it. I despise hosting overnight. Dinner or something? Love, overnight? Vile.

We have a 2 night limit.

How do you get out of the third night?

neverbeenskiing · 09/03/2022 19:25

We don't have overnight guests anymore because the spare room is now DH's office. I am quite happy to have an excuse to be honest! I love my friends and family, I enjoy socialising and I'm happy for people to vist, to entertain and cook for them, but I also like my own space.

We've had a couple of people say "oh that's ok, I'll just sleep on the sofa" but we tell them the truth, that's not going to work because DC are up at the crack of dawn. It's been fine. People just make other arrangements. No one has fallen out with us over it. If they did, tough, frankly. I'm not spending the mornings tip-toeing around, trying to keep the DC quiet and out of the living room because someone's asleep on the sofa or floor. Most people don't want to be woken up at 6am by a toddler jumping on top of them anyway.

Glowtastic · 09/03/2022 19:42

Don't hold with this "move one child in with you so the guest can have their room" thing either. It's their house too! Why should they be turfed out of their room by someone who doesn't even live there. My sister came to stay and tried to put her niece in a room share with my DD, DD is 15 niece is 5. Quite firmly said no, sister would need to stay in the spare room with niece. After guests coming/us staying with others it takes me about 48 hours to decompress. After a hideous 3 nights at a friend's parents house (with her) abroad where I was nearly screaming I vowed never again. I'm go and see her again but I'll do an air b and b, own space, make my own food, keep my own time but be ruled by their way of doing things.

AbcdeforgetU · 09/03/2022 20:21

My PIL moved away a couple of years ago and now us and my BIL/SIL are used as a hotel. Us not so much as I never offer, I don’t mind my own friends staying for a girls night but my PIL.....yikes. Just had the whole ‘oh can I stay over as I’m seeing a friend next month’. I said to send us the date and we’ll see what we’re doing. I’m hoping it’s going to be a date we’re busy.....!

Porcupineintherough · 09/03/2022 20:23

@Want2beme

I don't like it either. I actually don't get why people want to stay in someone else's home.

Really? You cant think of one single reason?

BigSkies22 · 09/03/2022 20:59

DS (20, away at university) is allowed girlfriends to stay, and I don't find this a strain. They are his guests, in his room and his bathroom. They might join us for a meal or two, but they basically keep their own hours and look after themselves, including shopping for their own food if need be, cooking and clearing up. This is not the full board hotel service, plus tourist consultancy service, that some other house guests seem to expect!

AdviceOnLife · 09/03/2022 21:08

I can't believe 4 nights turned into 14 nights
You are an absolute Saint OP.
We don't have overnight guests of any kind (excluding emergencies) but we are overcrowded as it is before guests even arrive, so it is a great excuse.

Jellybel · 10/03/2022 00:07

What nc123 said. I'm the same as you OP but I know it's not always possible to enforce boundaries, especially with your in law's. How often do these 14 night visits happen? Once a year? Or more? It's tough for you to put your foot down given that's your DH's family so I agree with nc123 that he should do the heavy lifting seeing as it's his guests causing all these issues. I'm sure after doing all the work for a bit he will soon figure out a way to stop these visits. Also love the suggestion about planning something for the night after they leave (or even making up the fact that you have plans to go away somewhere etc) . Sometimes you do need to think of subtle ways to avoid/stop these visits . ... it's just not possible to be direct and it's difficult to not care about causing offence when you're just not that sort of person.

Not an overnight guest but my BIL who lives on the other side of London from us turns up at our home every other weekend. Doesn't give any indication in advance of what time he'll turn up but of course It's always around lunchtime so in stuck sorting lunch out every time. This shouldn't be an issue but I have a toddler, work full time and when he brings his girlfriend with him they are both vegetarians and she is the fussiest eater ever so it's so stressful! Apparently he comes so frequently so he can see his nephew (my DS). Which is lovely but the food side of things is frustrating given the frequency and little notice. So this weekend I've just told DH that I already have plans to go out and seeing as his DB will be here, they can both enjoy time with DS alone. This way I get out of cooking and DH can sort it out seeing as he loves BIL's visits so much, plus I get some child free time.
I know it's harder for you because you're a sahm while your DH works but the point I'm making is that I'd try and pretend to be super busy and just plan to be out smack bang in the middle of these trips. I'm sure once they're left to fend for themselves a bit then the prospect of staying will become less attractive after a while.

PinkPupZ · 10/03/2022 00:10

I am the same and only.have guests for a few hours at the most.

TheRawPrawn · 10/03/2022 03:00

I’ve told my husband I just can’t do it. We don’t have a spare room, and I’m going to sell our mattress so it’s not even an option. I’ve suggested he visit his friend instead. That will surely be a more enjoyable time for everyone anyway.
Re: FIL I think my unwelcoming vibe has clicked. He indicated he was coming up. I said, we don’t have a spare room anymore (we have moved), so how about you come for a LONG WEEKEND. If it’s any longer, you’d be better off in a hotel. And he said: “I thought it would be easier if I got a hotel for the long weekend”.
The friend is just going to have to be told, there is a studio air bnb very close, we will point him to that.