I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

[Therealdealio]

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

I'm not on the spectrum and everything you described there is how I feel about overnight guests, so don't use this as a means to self diagnose, there is nothing wrong with thinking the way you do.

My home is my sanctuary, and I need to be able to escape to it, not feel like I need to escape from it.

Your in laws should only stay when your DH is off work, he hosts them and you tag along. When he has to start using up 2 weeks annual leave every time they visit, I guarantee their visits will get shorter.

As for the guy sleeping on the living room floor - no chance! You have really been extraordinarily hospitable op. Time to tell everyone the party's over!

I love that you put your foot down and announced at dinner they are leaving 😋. Very satisfying to see an OP do something.

Maybe in the future you could have loud night terrors where you scream sporadically through the night and then in the morning have no recollection.

To bastardise the Sartre quote, hell is other people, but nothing matches the purgatory of having them stay in your house.

You're an introvert, OP. So that makes it especially hard.

Great idea. Just say if they ask to come, that you will book them in for 3 nights at premier inn. So can they tell you their dates....

If DH wants them to stay again, he takes A/L from work for the duration. That'll motivate him to keep it to 3 days max.

What you're describing is deeply unreasonable guests, rather than an unreasonable response from you. It's deeply unreasonable for a house guest to sleep in common areas until noon when you have 3 kids running around. It's unreasonable for your in-laws to unilaterally decide to extend their stay while doing nothing to help you.

You have a guests problem, and probably a DH problem if he won't stand up to them. It is OK to need to recharge after socialising, and OK to find it draining to have house guests.

I don’t have anyone to stay for longer than 3 days and I’m not on the spectrum. I actually like having guests, but after 3 days you want them to bugger off however much you like them.

These guests sound like guests from hell, honestly. I don't think this has anything to do with you being on the spectrum. Or rather, being on the spectrum makes you doubt yourself, whereas someone not on the spectrum might be more likely to clearly see them for what they are.

Agreed 2/3 nights at a time. Your husband's hippy friend can stay in a room too and not on living room floor where he gets in the way. That would drive me mad.

I prefer people staying for a week at most but can put up with it for 2 weeks. Downside of having a house on outskirts of London but within easy reach by train. But have learned to say 'no' to people who want it for a holiday place. F that, there are air b n b's and hotels nearby.

No advice but I'm like this too unfortunately. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone x

I'm absolutely with you. Make a policy now. "It was lovely having you here last time and we'll be happy to see you again but only for days. I just find it too tiring these days to have guests staying over."

Surely if you’re staying at somebody’s place you should me mindful?

It’s not a hotel so there’s no housekeeping stuff and your host is not your maid.
Muck in,make drinks, cook if you’re able to,replenish supplies and don’t leave mess behind.
If family is visiting they should pitch in with the chores, especially if there are small kids involved.
Simple “what can I do for you” and not just plonking the arse on the seat expected to be waited on hand and food with entertainment thrown in.

I don't agree with telling your DH to take AL to look after them. He needs that leave for your own family holidays!

YABU. This is one of those things you have to suck up, for the sake of your husband, your children and your friends and relatives. It's not fair on your husband not to be allowed to host his friends and family. And your children will grow up more well rounded / friendly / socialised if they are brought up in a home which is welcoming to others, and where people compromise.
I find this stuff difficult too, but you can learn to cope with it better - through practice! We currently have a woman I'd never met before staying with us for 2 months. It's ok. Focus on the interesting new stuff these people have to tell you, and on how nice it is for other members of the family. If you want people to stack the dishwasher, have a low key chat with them about that kind of thing when they arrive, or before they arrive, or get your DH to have that conversation. The problems usually happen because of a reluctance to communicate.

I have a 3-night limit - for us staying somewhere or someone staying with us.
I recently had someone flout this rule - they were mentally fragile - they overstayed their welcome - their plans had changed, can't tell you how hard I found it, I was so very close to kicking her out - she really needed my support but I really needed my cave time and this person doesn't have the ability to understand someone else's needs - she saw my cave time as optional - it isn't.

I feel the same as you. @Therealdealio. As I get older it gets worse. If there are other people in the house I can't sleep properly. We only have one bathroom and the stress makes my IBS worse. I feel as though my whole routine is thrown out, even if it's just a quiet half hour with a book and a cup of tea first thing. I think it's reasonable to offer to pay for them to sleep elsewhere...and they might prefer it! I certainly like to stay in a B&B when visiting anyone, including my lovely daughter and son in law and their children.

Oh I couldn’t cope with this. We’ve had my MIL for a week and I love her to bits but that was really pushing it for me. Like you, my home is my sanctuary and I feel awkward when someone else is in it for any length of time.

In your shoes, I’d say: they stay in a hotel, or I do.

I think even people who enjoy hosting would find those setups quite tough. Even my own parents stick to the virtual 3-night rule as everyone is getting fed up by that point. Fourteen nights is ridiculous. As is someone sleeping in the middle of the living room floor. I absolutely could not put up with that. You need to put your foot down a bit more I am afraid

You can't say no to overnight guests when dh family and friends need to stay over to see him. You benefit from living near your family the downside is he can't see his as easily.

However 3 night rule seems absolutely reasonable. 14 nights is far too long for anyone.

I think 14 nights is a long time for most people.
I don't mind my friend staying over the odd night, but thats usually because of a night out and the logistics of getting home so she gone by lunchtime so effectively here less that 24hrs.
My ILs successfully overstayed their welcome at SiLs a few years ago, they haven't been invited back. Or if they want to visit any length of time they've been pointed to the nearest hotel.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

Not surprising as it is you who has to do all the managing, the entertaining.

I bet your DH would change his mind if he had to do the food shopping, supply clean bed linens, towels, feed, clean and up after them, take time off work to keep his parents occupied.

Talk to him, tell him that he needs to step up and look after his guests.

Hi op, I've not read the whole thread so apologies if I'm missing info.
I think 14 nights is UR for the grandparents to stay, unless they live really far away & can only visit once a year.
The friend sounds quite sweet to want to cook for you. Can you ask him to prepare a meal earlier & leave the spices out for the DC?
If you can afford it then some sort of cabin or camper van for guests might work? In the garden so they have their own space, though obviously this is a significant expense.

I’m happy with close family and the odd close friend for a few nights, but that because they’re very ‘easy’, aren’t fussy eaters and don’t expect to be waited on.

I’m always glad to have my space back after about 4 nights though.

However I’ve drawn the line at ever having any Canadian relations (mine or dh’s) to stay ever again - either over-fussy types or piss-taking freeloaders who I hardly knew anyway - especially the one who more or less invited himself for 10 nights and didn’t even send an email to say thank you afterwards. And expected a dd who was 20 years younger, to take him on a pub crawl and pay for all the drinks - until she said, ‘Your turn now!’
Tight git!!