I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

[Therealdealio]

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

I like having family to stay, but I never let them stay for very long. Maybe that's why I like it

14 days sounds fucking dire. No one should have to suffer through that

I'd have to do this too. There is no way I'd even consider it, I don't know if it's my autism or not but I suspect it is. I have a hard enough time adjusting when my children's friends come for sleepovers (this has only been recent and it really unsettles me). I also wouldn't like someone cooking for me outside of the hours I feel is normal to eat and not knowing what is cooking either.

Like you, I'd also offer to put them up nearby. YANBU in my eyes, but my friends do laugh at me for how much I avoid people. Ha

I understand you OP.

I do think having the in laws to stay is fairly non negotiable though.

What's the setup of your house. How many bedrooms, where do the in laws sleep?

You saying that the best friend sleeps on the living room floor makes me wonder how you manage sleeping arrangements with your DP's parents?

I do think 14 days is overkill whatever though, especially as you end up looking after your DP's parents while he's out at work. I think it would be absolutely fair to say a week max and you could make your own plans for a couple of the days.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy. You could say how much you want to see your in laws but that you're the kind of person who needs a bit of time on your own, so perhaps they could go and visit the museum/National Trust place/go for a walk on one of the days.

I HATE overnight guests with a passion. Luckily my DP agrees. The only way I’d let overnight guests stay is if it was an emergency or something terrible had happened. Likewise, I hate staying at peoples houses. Would much rather start driving home in the middle of the night than stay over. In the circumstances you’ve explained I’d definitely be saying absolutely not. No way would I be climbing over a grown man asleep on my floor.

@Instawhat

I can see where you're coming from, but I think you have to suck it up! Where do the kids sleep? You say there are three, do they all share? If they're in two rooms, I'd move them all together and give the room to guests if you can. There's no reason the kids can't eat spicy foods, but a late meal would really piss me off! I think your DH should have words with his friend.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together.
We have guests like this. Since we moved somewhere with no space to fit in two guests, they stay in a hotel and it is a lot easier.

Why does she have to suck it up? Of course she doesn't have to suck it up. Staying anywhere more than one night is rude. If you want a 2 week holiday, save up for a hotel - don't impose on family and friends who don't enjoy having guests!! You shouldn't pay for the hotel either Op.

YANBU, I'm exactly the same, I feel on the verge of tears with guests too, i literally feel like I'm going mad socialising and entertaining all the time. The odd night I'll tolerate but that's it. DH has fortunately come round up my way of thinking now. And the kids aren't up for guests either. Our house is our quiet, private, family home.

OP, I am not on the spectrum. I’m probably as neuronormal as they come “is that a word”? I also despise having guests staying. I don’t enjoy hosting at all.
Ironically we have 5 bedrooms and I’m in the process of turning the spare rooms into an office, an extra tv room and a man cave for my other half. Fuck guests. Stay in a hotel.

Your h and in laws need to understand that this is pretty common with people who are on the spectrum and that it genuinely causes stress, exhaustion etc. I absolutely cannot stand having people stay.

I’m not sure you’re on the spectrum, perhaps just an introvert? I can only stand socialising for so long without needing to recharge my batteries. My husband used to love parties and he drank and I didn’t so from 11pm I would just be standing there with a rictus grin until he was ready to leave. Now I drink a bit, have explained all of this to my husband and am older so don’t give a shit and will just go home when I want!

I HATE having people to stay, my home is my refuge.

Is there somwhere nearby you can get a static caravan or something if you're spending money reglarly on hotels

I am not on the spectrum and my mother has just gone home after staying 10 days. I think I was on the verge of some sort of breakdown in the middle. I came home after having dropped her off, and the silence was bliss. Every time I say never, ever again.

You need to tell the friend to jog on, either he goes away with DH for a night or two, or they go out and stay out late, but he has to be up and about early. Wake him up, or make this clear beforehand.

The PiLs need to be asked how long they are staying, told that there is a max stay of however many nights, and then you need to simply ask them to do stuff. This could be reading to the kids or playing with them. Try to go out as well without them. Would going out with them to the park or the zoo or somewhere lessen the stress a bit? Would you trust them to take a dc or more out to the park /softplay / swimming on their own?

Your husband hadn't moved them on after 14 NIGHTS?!

You handled it brilliantly with the farewell dinner by the way. But as PPs have said 3 nights is more than reasonable and he needs to be very blunt beforehand that that is the limit. If he doesn't see that (how??) then no overnight guests is reasonable and logical as he can't set appropriate boundaries.

The mate staying for the occasional one night I wouldn'r personally mind (although I'm rude enough to whisk the curtains open and tell him to get up at 9ish) but if you don't like it that's more than fair enough - lots of people wouldn't.

I was thinking YABU to start with, but your two examples are AWFUL so no wonder you hate it. I love hosting people but if they were that bad I would feel the same as you.

@MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot

I’m not sure you’re on the spectrum, perhaps just an introvert? I can only stand socialising for so long without needing to recharge my batteries. My husband used to love parties and he drank and I didn’t so from 11pm I would just be standing there with a rictus grin until he was ready to leave. Now I drink a bit, have explained all of this to my husband and am older so don’t give a shit and will just go home when I want!

I HATE having people to stay, my home is my refuge.

Lots of "introverts" and people with "social anxiety" are just undiagnosed autistic females who present differently to the male stereotype. Not everyone of course, but many are.

Lots of "introverts" and people with "social anxiety" are just undiagnosed autistic females

What defines that though?
I don't have social anxiety, and I have good social skills. People who meet me see me as relaxed, confident and chatty.
But I prefer my own company, quiet days, and usually decline social invitations, parties etc.
I don't see that as a disorder.

I think you just have to get over it OP. In the same way presumably that if it were your family you wanted to come stay you would expect your DH to get over it.

Although your in laws do sound really hard work and pain in the arse so you need to get your husband to start putting in some limits with them, that’s his job, not yours

YANBU. I can't have house guests either. The thought of it makes me want to fold in on myself and disappear. I hate having to make conversation when it should be my down time. I need that time to recharge from the day.

My partner is not like that and has friends all over he would like to come and stay with us. I just put my foot down and said no, after one two night visit (which I had said no to anyway) from a total stranger to me turned into a fortnight when I had a newborn baby. I had to go and stay with my family.

Now he knows not to do this. I hate having my space invaded.

I've recently decided on a 'one night only and it has to be a weekend night' policy. Haven't had an opportunity to implement it yet but that's the limit of how much of it I can enjoy.

Lovely friends would come for the weekend with their whole families and I'd end up supplying all the food and then they'd leave empty handed. It made me so cross and upset with people who I'd previously only ever had positive associations with.

I could have written this. We know a couple who moved abroad but for a while one of them was still working for a UK-based company. They would plan a holiday around a UK work event or wedding or something, and essentially started booking space in our home like you'd book a hotel room. They also turned up empty handed expecting to be lavished with food and booze, which rankled far more than I'd have expected. Our home essentially became in their minds a hotel where they were never presented with the bill. They even joked about how they never contributed anything. Last time they were here my friend was even rhapsodising about how much she loved staying in our house, 'oh I just feel so HAPPY every time I come here, I tell EVERYONE how much I love it, it's like coming home!' and I just wanted to tell her to piss off. The whole thing has definitely soured my feelings towards her. It's entirely different inviting people to stay than them saving money on hotel bills by exploiting your hospitality and essentially just informing you of their arrival.

And my husband loves having them too. Of course he fucking loves it, he doesn't contribute anything and has no compunctions just abandoning guests when he feels like it, leaving them to me. (I've got better at doing this myself but it stresses me out. He just evaporates when he feels like fucking around on his computer instead of hosting.) Recently they send a message to our joint WhatsApp saying 'can we stay a couple of nights when we come home?' and he replied along the lines of 'a COUPLE of nights? Stay all week! Stay a month!' - I nearly throttled him. I told him that he would be doing all hosting, cleaning, entertaining and feeding outside of the one night I'd planned to agree to.

I can't believe all these guests randomly extending their stay though, that's never happened to me!

@INeedNewShoes

I understand you OP.

I do think having the in laws to stay is fairly non negotiable though.

What's the setup of your house. How many bedrooms, where do the in laws sleep?

You saying that the best friend sleeps on the living room floor makes me wonder how you manage sleeping arrangements with your DP's parents?

I do think 14 days is overkill whatever though, especially as you end up looking after your DP's parents while he's out at work. I think it would be absolutely fair to say a week max and you could make your own plans for a couple of the days.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy. You could say how much you want to see your in laws but that you're the kind of person who needs a bit of time on your own, so perhaps they could go and visit the museum/National Trust place/go for a walk on one of the days.

@INeedNewShoes - I think the friend offers to sleep on the sofa as he thinks its easier. But he also cooks food which is too spicy.

In this case I would definitely say, I understand that you don't have much money but if you stay with us, I'd prefer it if you stayed in a bedroom rather than the living room as children/me and DH need that space in the morning. And it's lovely you offering to cook food, but it's too spicy for the DC so could you please cook something less spicy.

In-laws - no bloody way would I have them for 14 days and nights. Seventh circle of hell.

@QuimReaper

I've recently decided on a 'one night only and it has to be a weekend night' policy. Haven't had an opportunity to implement it yet but that's the limit of how much of it I can enjoy.

Lovely friends would come for the weekend with their whole families and I'd end up supplying all the food and then they'd leave empty handed. It made me so cross and upset with people who I'd previously only ever had positive associations with.

I could have written this. We know a couple who moved abroad but for a while one of them was still working for a UK-based company. They would plan a holiday around a UK work event or wedding or something, and essentially started booking space in our home like you'd book a hotel room. They also turned up empty handed expecting to be lavished with food and booze, which rankled far more than I'd have expected. Our home essentially became in their minds a hotel where they were never presented with the bill. They even joked about how they never contributed anything. Last time they were here my friend was even rhapsodising about how much she loved staying in our house, 'oh I just feel so HAPPY every time I come here, I tell EVERYONE how much I love it, it's like coming home!' and I just wanted to tell her to piss off. The whole thing has definitely soured my feelings towards her. It's entirely different inviting people to stay than them saving money on hotel bills by exploiting your hospitality and essentially just informing you of their arrival.

And my husband loves having them too. Of course he fucking loves it, he doesn't contribute anything and has no compunctions just abandoning guests when he feels like it, leaving them to me. (I've got better at doing this myself but it stresses me out. He just evaporates when he feels like fucking around on his computer instead of hosting.) Recently they send a message to our joint WhatsApp saying 'can we stay a couple of nights when we come home?' and he replied along the lines of 'a COUPLE of nights? Stay all week! Stay a month!' - I nearly throttled him. I told him that he would be doing all hosting, cleaning, entertaining and feeding outside of the one night I'd planned to agree to.

@QuimReaper - this is when Omicron comes in handy. Oh, so sorry we've all tested positive.

Your DH sounds like a prize A idiot - I'd definitely say, if you invite them in future, you host them next time, I'm not doing it, and stick to it.

Oh, dear, I feel a right cowpat about this, but Covid, and my Australian in-laws not being able to travel has been a nice reprieve. My PILs have great pensions and in normal times travel a lot, no problem in booking hotels and self-catering accommodation. Except when they come to us! then they expect to stay, sometimes for as long as 3 weeks. DH can't take all his leave just to entertain them, so quite a bit of it falls to me and, like many others on this thread, I am quite introverted by nature, my pursuits are quiet ones - reading, writing, gardening, general pottering about listening to podcasts - and yet I do feel the need to keep things jolly. Not always easy with people who will sit in silence (not a comfortable, peaceful sort of one, more an absence of sympathetic communion type) and will not make much of an effort to plan outings.

Last time (and now I really am moaning), I made a big effort to take them on a nice walk in Green Park, then through the arcades in Piccadilly and St James and a concert in the church preceded by a street food lunch. They could not have appeared more uninterested. I'm afraid I did offload my stress a bit on DH that evening, and let him know that if we were to host his parents, he needed to be around to help entertain them, as it seemed plain that this was beyond my capacity. That trip also coincided with my mum's 80th birthday, and I was hosting a big family lunch. But my parents had to stay in a hotel for the weekend because my PILs were too tactless to move out and let my parents have our guest room for the duration. I know, I know, we probably should have said, but you do rather expect people to just know without having to be asked!

I am very nervous about getting the cheery call that they have booked their flights and are looking forward to coming...

I'm neurotypical and guests for more than three days, or staying with other people for more than three days drive me up the wall. If you can possibly afford it, I'd book them in an airbnb nearby. That's the plan when my parents next visit.

It depends also on the type of guests and the circumstances.

I had my friend stay for a week for company when DH was climbing Kilimanjaro. She was lovely - she walked the dog during the day, was appreciative of anything I cooked - quite frankly she was easier to live with than DH.

But my US cousins - oi vey.
All sorts of unspoken US expectations that I knew nothing about - shock horror that I don't carry stocks of OJ and mayonnaise instead of salad dressing. They also seemed to expect that I'd go round all the tourist stuff with them. I was happy to bring them there and then go shopping or for a walk whilst they did that as we've seen the attractions before and it's expensive, but got some frowning from that.
I love them dearly but will suggest next time that we all do some traveling round the UK together.