I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

[Therealdealio]

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

didn't read properly that you were willing to pay to put them up. YANBU

Feel the same, I love visitors but hate people staying over, due to the lack of privacy and housework involved

The only person I can tolerate staying is my dad as he will literally do everything he can to make life easier while he's here and also is very easy going and happy to chill out by himself if we need time to ourselves etc.

I completely get where you're coming from though! There isn't a single other person I'd be happy to host and that includes my bff!

How often out of Interest?

We got rid of the spare bed and made it a playroom. Shame!

Hmm. Tricky one. I think that you need to chill out a bit and your inlaws need to not outstay their welcome. It’s your husbands house too- compromise is key!

Even people who enjoy hosting would find 14 days a bit much.

I also hate being the house guest.

I always say family and friends are welcome to make themselves a drink or something to eat. I'm not waiting on them hand, foot and fingernail when they are perfectly capable.

Someone I love very much is like you. She lived quite a long way when our children were little so I needed to visit and stay.

The first day she was masking hard. Everything was immaculate with beautiful food. The second day I could usually see she wasn't coping and I'd send her off to rest.
By the third day she'd started to replenish mentally. Then by the fourth day we'd start our time together with a good fun and lots of laughs going forwards.

The key for us was me taking over on day two. I'd be responsible for top up shopping, minding all the children, cooking and washing up.
She needed to potter and rest. It worked for us very much and I'd usually stay a week at a time due to distance. We have some lovely memories and still talk about them.

She has never hosted others.

Nothing wrong with you OP- perhaps just an introvert.
I rarely have guests, and certainly never overnight.
Thankfully my OH feels the same.

I think it would be hurtful to tell in laws they can’t come , i really wouldn’t see it as them wanting a free holiday as you mentioned but as them wanting family time . I would just try to manage it so that it’s easier for you - also if you might have ASD would it be helpful for you or your DH mention this and to explain that it makes having guests harder , so they understand and are more thoughtful about length of time they come?
We gladly move the DC around to make room for family but not for friends unless desperate as unless it’s close family it feels a bit disruptive in a small space. It’s fine to have limits to what you can do!

@beautifullymad

Someone I love very much is like you. She lived quite a long way when our children were little so I needed to visit and stay.

The first day she was masking hard. Everything was immaculate with beautiful food. The second day I could usually see she wasn't coping and I'd send her off to rest.
By the third day she'd started to replenish mentally. Then by the fourth day we'd start our time together with a good fun and lots of laughs going forwards.

The key for us was me taking over on day two. I'd be responsible for top up shopping, minding all the children, cooking and washing up.
She needed to potter and rest. It worked for us very much and I'd usually stay a week at a time due to distance. We have some lovely memories and still talk about them.

She has never hosted others.

You sound like a lovely person and friend.

@Therealdealio

They left on the 14th day because I told them to. They took it well, but do NOT get hints. Example: asking him when he’s headed home: “I’m retired! I’ve got no plans”. Which is why I need to be blunt and say: “we don’t have anyone to stay - Covid”.

I was on your side till you said this-using covid as an excuse. Just own it, I don’ like having guests for a lot of the same reasons as you, and there’s no suspicion that ai could be autistic, just be honest. As much as anything, people are going to start to question the covid thing as time goes on and you’ll end up in an even more awkward position.

We're overseas and my inlaws came to stay for a month years ago. They got sick, first one, then the other. DH had to go to work as it was a new job.
They talked my ear off morning, noon and night. I spent two weeks of that month taking them meals in bed as they were apparently too unwell to get up.
Cleaning their bathroom (grim) and continuously changing the bed as it turned my FIL had a little "issue" I'd previously been unaware of.
I was murderous by the end of the first week.
Never again.
Next visit I emailed details of three very nice nearby hotels and said I thought they'd be much more comfortable and enjoy the chance to have a childfree rest when they felt like it.
I was as tactful as I could be but I know they were very offended. They're extremely sociable so I don't think they could comprehend it.
I'll move house and change my name rather than have overnight guests ever again.
I think I may still be scarred This was 14 years ago

I hate it too OP. YANBU but how you avoid it is the tricky thing.

It's perfectly normal to put a time limit on overnight guests, particularly if it involves DC being moved and having to share when they're not used to it.

Next time ILs suggest a visit DH tells them that of course you'd all love to see them, but it was tricky last time for the DCs to be out of their normal arrangements for so long so could they come for 2-3 nights maximum.

If they start trying to prolong it, then point them in the direction of the nearest Premier Inn or Airbnb. If DFiL says "But I'm retired with nothing to do" then respond with " But DFIL we're not retired. Do you remember life with young DCs? Sorry but I need my house back to normal."

I'd definitely make yourself less available and cut off any chats about their controversial views on vaccinations etc. Practice a distracted air and "Mm sorry what was that so many things to think about today...." they may naturally want to cut their visits short without an audience.

What's going to happen when your kids are older and have partners? Will you let them stay?
I think it's unfair on your husband. It's his house too. You need to compromise somehow.
Do you ask your guests to help? We had lots of people stay and it's interesting how some people are good guests and others aren't. I used to ask people to get food in or whatever.

Do you have people over for meals ?

My husband is a huge introvert and it's only become a big problem now he has retired?

Do you visit people?

I'd say no to friends staying. With the in-laws I would tell DH if they stay then he needs to take time off work to facilitate it. I'm an introvert so wouldn't be happy with all the work of going falling to me for his family.

I did this and miraculously the visits stopped!
YANBU op. I don't like overnight guests and don't have any now.

3 nights max?
How about 1 night max. That can be fun and then afterwards people leave.
3 nights sounds exhausting to me.

1 is fun. It even rhymes

I’m the same as you, like being around my close group of friends but after a while I like to have my own space.
I also don’t like people staying over, I like when people come over for dinner but that’s it!
I think you’ll need to compromise with things. You said your husband does help out a lot. With your in-laws I would get them to agree to a certain time frame- 2 weeks can be quite long so you could suggest a week at most at yours and if they’re wanting to stay longer then they go to a hotel. Since they are retired you could suggest they take the children out for you when your husbands busy or they go visiting nearby towns etc
With your husbands friends- thag would get right on my nerves. It’s rude to just be sleeping in because you’ve had a late night, especially when you’re in the middle of the room. I agree with other pp, the friend either sleeps in a room or goes to a local hotel. Your husband needs tk be firm with him and explain with young children at home then the friend really can’t be spending most of the day sleeping.

Totally hear you on this. 14 days is excruciating. My friend came with her kid for 4 days and I was at my wit's end. It was utterly exhausting. I love her but hate hosting. I'm not great at entertaining. We have put a stop to the in laws coming as they came for a few nights and both me and DH found it really hard having no down time in the evenings. I like the thought of people I love staying over but the reality gets old quickly.

I'd say that if your DH wants his family to stay then they only stay when he's not working and he can take full responsibility for them.

I hate it too. My in-laws live abroad and stay once a year for around 10 whole days. They are lovely people but my fils partner is quite domineering. She gets to decide everything- I can’t suggest something for dinner because it has to be what she wants. We got a new sofa bed - really nice one from M&S a few years ago. They couldn’t just use it as intended. She insists on sleeping on the chaise. They want to stuff the cushions down the back between the top of the bed and back rest because they don’t like having a gap there. I asked them not to because there is a sharp hinge on each side where the frame is. They did it anyway and it damaged the material on the cushions where they’d stuffed them against it. The sofa cost us a fortune. They also ripped off the plastic covering on the mattress without even asking. We’ve got a nice dinner table that I saved up for and she’s forever putting hot mugs of tea straight on the wood. Talks endlessly about her extended family - no interest in mine or DH’s family. Sorry I’m ranting now! I wouldn’t mind a day or two but 10+ days is tough going.

@Therealdealio

I actually booked a dinner at a restaurant and just told everyone it was to “farewell in laws”. And said: “do you want to do a load of laundry so it will dry BEFORE YOU GO HOME TOMORROW”.

Good work.

I do understand, OP, but I wonder if part of it might be helped by you being more assertive and strengthening your boundaries? I know this is easy to say. But be clear that you can only do 2 or 3 days, whatever, and then your DH is probably the one who needs to say that time's up.

When your DH's pal stays he needs to be up and clear the floor by a reasonable time, etc. You can make some reasonable demands of a guest.

Honestly it seems like most of the people who have issues with overnight guests actually have issues with specific, badly-behaved overnight guests. Some of that behaviour can be rectified by actually talking to them but some people are just ill-mannered. But most people I've had overnight have been normal and fine.