I don’t want overnight guests, ever.

[Therealdealio]

I suspect I’m on the spectrum. I find socialising increasingly taxing as I get older. I like people, I have some friends I really care about, and I do a pretty good job of masking, and following social rules.

But to have people staying, in my home, so I can’t be alone and have to be “on” for days on end... I absolutely hate it. It feels like I’m being tortured and I spend the whole time close to tears.

I feel this way about my friends and family too, I NEED to go away recharge after a couple of hours, even if I’ve enjoyed myself at the time. For example, a girls night out. Have a great time! Happy to do this maybe twice a year.

The problem is, this impacts my husband and in laws. We live closer to my family, and very far from his. His best friend is also far away. So if they want to visit, they have to stay. Friend has no money, and is kind of a hippy, so happy to sleep on the floor. I hate having someone on the floor in the living space. He’s childless and stays up really late when here and sleeps until midday. We have 3 little kids. He will just lie there while we climb over them. He’ll make a lovely meal to say thanks, but it will be served really late or spicy or something, so doesn’t work with the children. I think he feels rejected, he just doesn’t get it.

In laws, really hard to take. Don’t help at all, won’t even put plate in the dishwasher. Expect to be entertained and spend every minute together. Always stay way longer than agreed (4 nights ends up being 14). I’m a SAHM so the days fall on me. In law also anti vaxxer.

This, combined with Covid, I do not want to have them to stay again, ever. I’m happy to put them up at our expense nearby and see them each day, but get some break. I can’t think of anything worse than someone getting Covid and us all having to isolate indoors together.

I want to institute a “we don’t have overnight guests” policy. Or even, we have a 3 night limit for guests policy. I don’t want my friends or family to stay either, it’s all overwhelming. Although I don’t enjoy those two most frequent guests, I feel this way in general. It’s not completely personal is my point.

My husband doesn’t mind guests, btw. It’s me who hates it so much.

AIBU to say this next time a visit is suggested? If we pay?

And you both need to be a lot more straightforward with people. Your DH's friend doesn't have a clue - that's not his fault, help him!

It's unkind to allow someone to piss you off, then resent them. Stop allowing it - spell out your rules.

I think its unreasonable to totally ban any ever overnight guests ever again when your DH family live far away.

But yanbu to limit stays to 2 or 3 nights max. I think many people dislike having houseguests much longer.

I used to host a family member and her child regularly, but they took the piss, eventually coming every weekend. We had 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom for 6 of us and it became a chore.

I then realised I hate anybody staying over, and I don't like staying over anywhere. I'd host, but never stay snywhere myself, so felt like I had the short straw.

Now it's a firm no. I have a couple of wider family members who float around staying at houses. They offer us to stay at theirs, which I decline, and don't feel like I have to return the favour.

I'm aware I have an issue with this, but have decided to just be honest about it and try to explain that neither a hoster or a stayer be!

Its not “being on the spectrum”

You have a right to say no. I hate people staying over, to the point of saying “no you can’t “. No sorry just a big fat no.

I have 4 bedrooms, 3 kids. I remember my kids sleeping in blow up beds in my room and my brother and wife in one room and his 2 kids in the other 2. Mine were something like 6/10/12 at the time so they were good k with it.

Then one morning i got up early, and had till about 8 am alone. I went back to my room snd nephew walked in saying he wanted breakfast. Of course I said, he was 10 and old enough to make it. He said “mum always makes it”

Well go wake up mum then!!!! Plus SIL painting her nails in bed, leaving mugs everywhere. Enough is enough. Theyve not stayed again.

Plus BIL who lives 200 miles away. Alone. Comes to ours and sings, slams doors, leaves his toothbrush in his own little manky pot on the shelf like he’s there for a lifetime. Grates on me

No more

14 nights 😱😱😱
I can just about tolerate one!

I agree totally with a three night limit. Open ended stays would be a complete no no for me.

@Therealdealio
I completely empathise.
The friend should get keep to your hours, and definitely not be messing up the floor with his lolling body while you all step around him.

In laws for FOURTEEN NIGHTS??
Yikes!
A hotel sounds far less stressful all round.

It definitely needs to be addressed in terms of sleeping arrangements and length of time (and yer man who won't get off the couch!!!) but as for your original aibu then sorry I definitely think yabu because you get to see your family when you want and it isn't a big deal. It's horrible having to plan and organise just so you can see your friends and family, and it having to be a 'thing'. The reason your in laws treat it as a holiday is because it is to them. As it is for me when I visit my family (4 snd a half hours away on a good traffic day) and it is for them when they come here. When I see my family more than twice/three times a year we do a big 'isn't it great we got to see them all so much this year' when dh gets to see his family any night of the week. As any person should be able to!! And I get it because I'm possibly on the spectrum too, with OCD and anxiety and get stressed as hell over people staying (the week before son's communion I got up daily at 5.30 to try and organise stuff, including cleaning windows nobody could even see!!)

It's a nightmare.
Tell them all that from now on, there's only going to be one thing on the menu - breakfast, lunch & dinner - and one thing only; Cream Pies.
That's right - crusty pies filled to the brim with hot cream. No eggs and bacon. No lasagne; just cream pies.
Remove all the cutlery from the house and insist that your in-laws chow-down on those pies without using their hands. Rejoice as your husband's mother goes in head-first and comes up, gasping for air and choking on cream.
They'll soon get sick of it and eff-off, probably never to return.

We never have overnight guests and never stay overnight anywhere except a hotel. I used to but hated it. Then one day I thought why are you doing something you don’t enjoy and just stopped.

Pandemic also helped in the sense our two spare bedrooms have been turned into work spaces. No beds so no where for anyone to sleep!

So move closer to your in-laws so it's not them who have to stay over and have your family over instead? yes, ridiculous.

Unfortunately, you probably have to suck up his family visits - it would be completely unreasonable to issue a blanket ban, it is your DHs home too. The friend? you can tell him he's not welcome? Tell him max of 2 days and ground rules? Your DH should be the one to do that.

how often are these in-laws visits? I would say as long as you aren't running around after them, for your DHs sake, try to put up with it, and if it gets too much go out for a few hours?

You pay for a hotel and go. Let DH do all the donkey work.

I don't get it when people suggest paying for these people to stay in hotels? If I can't stay with someone, I don't expect them to pay for a hotel? I hate being a house guest and I have visitors rarely and only a few people and only for one night.
It's like asking someone to give you a free holiday.

That sounds tough op.

Crikey I don't think you should assume any sort of personal deficit in not enjoying hosting these people, they sound like nightmare guests!!

Honestly, it's quite normal not to enjoy having guests stay and definitely not longer than two nights. Argh

The thing that would really irritate me is the tendency for a four day stay to turn into 14 days. One major advantage of booking a hotel room is that, once the booking is over, it's over, and they'll have to go. Win-win.

@Crucible

I don't get it when people suggest paying for these people to stay in hotels? If I can't stay with someone, I don't expect them to pay for a hotel? I hate being a house guest and I have visitors rarely and only a few people and only for one night. It's like asking someone to give you a free holiday.

This.

You are not obligated to house, host or pay for anyone. Why do you feel so obligated?

It’s totally fine to have preferences, limits and boundaries and to communicate them clearly and calmly - you don’t then have to PAY for them!

Does your DH go to visit his hippy mate or do they ever go away together? You are. It interested in his friendship / company so they should do their own thing.

With family just change the set up.

Meet half way.
Go to theirs.
Max 2/3 nights - and have that at a hotel.

Definitely not having to entertain them whilst your DH is at work - no way!

You can have any boundaries / preferences you like - it’s your life. Listen to your gut - you don’t need to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) or PAY OFF for your decisions.

I absolutely hate staying at others and having people here.

I refuse to move my DC out of their rooms and l absolutely will not give up my bed for anyone!

Your guests sound particularly trying and I don’t think you should make excuses about your reasons for not wanting to host them overnight. In your situation, I’d be the one staying in a hotel.

You might not be able to say it out loud but the issue isn’t people staying over, it’s people who behave like dicks staying over.

My preference would be to put boundaries in place and make sure your DH backs you.

Friend can stay, but dinner will be family friendly and served at x time. He needs to be up by y time so that you can reuse the lounge.

Family can stay 3 nights max and only when DH is around during the day. Those who cook don’t wash up. Take it in turns to wash up etc.

Came on to quote Benjamin Franklin and see PP has already done so.

You are totally reasonable to set a firm 3 day limit with in-laws- this is a completely normal request. Your husband should discuss and make clear before their next visit. He needs to be firm. Also, ask your husband to take them and children out on the 2nd or 3rd day so that you can have some decompression time alone.

Best friend - say no to staying over. Do reasearch for reasonably inexpensive B&B options near by. I think you & husband covering 2-3 nights in a B&B once or twice a year for him is a nice gesture if you can afford it and the relationship is important to your husband.

YANBU and no one should be forcing children to move into rooms to accommodate rude guests. Just say no to overnight guests.

You would be unreasonable to ban overnight guests completely but definitely not unreasonable to have firmer boundaries - though your problem seems to be that you haven't communicated these boundaries properly.

I love entertaining friends, but overnight isn't my ideal. However when people you love move around the country/world it's the only way you can really see some of them. I'd also rather have a great time into the early hours and let friends crash rather than them having to clockwatch for the last tube. I suck it up because fundamentally I like my friends and I like spending time with them - it's a minor inconvenience, not an imposition. And I'd never dream of asking people visiting us to shell out for a hotel, unless they were doing it anyway!

This goes for DP's friends as well. I don't share the view on here that family should be OK but the friend should be banned. But my friends are important to me than family.

However! These particular guests are not behaving very well and you should absolutely take steps to rectify this.

14 days is too much. The only reason I'd take someone in for that long is if they'd suddenly become homeless or were between houses or had some other extreme life circumstance. A surprise 14 days when the plan had been 4 days is intolerable. You need to be absolutely firm about telling your husband and his family that staying beyond the initially agreed time is simply not possible, cannot happen, end of discussion. To be honest I can't understand how you haven't already done this. Also, just don't be their entertainment 24/7! If anyone's staying with me for more than one night the expectation on both sides is that a lot of the time they'll be doing their own thing and I'll be doing mine.

Your husband's friend sounds like fun. But is it so hard to say "that meal you cooked last time was delicious, but next time could you tone down the spices a bit/serve it a bit earlier for the kids"? Also... does he have to sleep on the floor? If your in-laws regularly stay, presumably they're not on the living room floor, and there is a spare room he can use? Just put him in there next time. These are such easy solutions.

Do they like pets? If not get one!! The bigger and hairier the better! Send links to Airbnb.. Tell them it will be cleaner!!
Can't imagine having guests never mind overnight ones!!. Nobody comes here at all except my dc!!
We have ddogs just incase though!!

💯 with you
As a child my mother was always having people to stay and I hated it
I’d never have overnight guests
I’m perfectly sociable but I like to be able to relax

We have tons of space but few visitors. My parents and MIL are some distance away so have now orchestrated it that we stay near them and see her for a day, 1 night tops, I'm a miserable bugger and def. wouldn't have anyone for more than 3 nights. However, its doesn't seem fair that you are in a situation where your parents get contact but your in laws don't.