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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the sham wedding?

202 replies

fedoratheexplorer0 · 08/03/2022 20:24

Dh's childhood friend David is getting married this autumn to the mother of his children Laura (not their real names). I have met David only once and Laura not at all.

We received a save the date card a few days ago and I told Dh I won't be going due to the fact their whole relationship seems like a joke.

David and Laura have been on and off again for the last 14 years.
They get together and a short while later he leaves her for another woman he has met and when that goes tits up (as it always has) he goes running back to Laura and she takes him back every time. This has been going on for years now.

Last year he married another woman he had known for only 4 months. It was a very small wedding with only around 8 guests so we weren't invited (thankfully). The marriage lasted less than 6 months due to an affair and when they separated he again ran back to Laura. He has been back with her around 18 months now and although he is a prolific cheat he hasn't actually left her for someone else (as of yet).

Dh is very annoyed at me for saying I don't want to go because it's his childhood friend and he says we have to.
My argument is, Dh goes for months at a time without hearing from this friend and the wedding is a joke and won't last so what's the point?
David has never managed to keep it in his pants and he won't start the day they exchange rings.

So in your opinion Aibu? Should I just go for my Dh?

OP posts:
lborgia · 09/03/2022 22:51

@Orchidsonthetable - this is so daft - of course the bride has made her decision, doesn’t mean that OP has to go to the wedding.

If the lovely Dave wanted to come and visit, and while staying with OP and her DH brought over one of his, um, conquests. Would everyone think that OP should sit and shut up and just host? I wouldn’t have thought so.

Why should she go out to an occasion that tacitly supports the man, when she can’t stand him or his way of life?

I’m not sure that OP is boycotting the wedding to have an impact. If neither Dave or Laura give a toss, then even more reason to opt out. Seriously, she’s just evening numbers, and she’s only being invited because she’s her husband’s other half.

If she wrote that she wanted to attend, but only so she could corner the bride, or stand up and make a declaration, then I’d understand, but no, she just doesn’t want to go. DH wants her to go because he feels embarrassed to go on his own. I suspect he thinks that it will be clear to all attending that she’s not there because she judges! Grin that the minute he walks in the door he’ll blurt out the truth, and then everyone will hate him. (I’m getting a really good image now of DH walking down the drive muttering to himself “don’t mention judgy pants, don’t mention judgy pants”.. and the minute he sees the bride “I’m so sorry she’s not here, she thinks you’re an idiot!” Grin.

He can be a grown up, and go on his own, OP can stay home or find something else to do. 2 days later they will be back together in their nest and DH can relay all the excitement missed when Dave is found in the bridal suite with his ex ex…

PinkPiranha11 · 09/03/2022 23:14

Goodness! I’d go for the drama TBH!!

FortniteBoysMum · 09/03/2022 23:23

Dates here do not add up. He got married last year and lasted 6 months. Earliest he could marry last year was January. Even if it ended the day he got married he cannot of been back with Laura 18 months as January last year was 15 months ago.

BoredZelda · 10/03/2022 09:05

@ImAvingOops

I think that judging someone is not the worst thing in the world - we all do it (and anyone who says otherwise is a liar). And there's some behaviour which absolutely ought to be judged negatively. Such as repeatedly cheating on a partner and making promises that you have no intention of keeping. There's nothing wrong with the OP for not being bothered to endorse it.
No, we don’t all do it, and calling others liars for saying they do might suit for the purposes of making someone feel better about doing it, but it isn’t actually true.

I don’t care enough about what others choose to do with their lives to bother forming an opinion on whether they are “right” or “wrong” to do so. For me, judgement is about feeling that you’re better than someone or would make better choices than them. I’m not interested in doing that and even if I were, I’d probably never have enough of the story to decided if I would.

BoredZelda · 10/03/2022 09:06

Dates here do not add up. He got married last year and lasted 6 months. Earliest he could marry last year was January. Even if it ended the day he got married he cannot of been back with Laura 18 months as January last year was 15 months ago.

OP did kind of clarify this.

Westfacing · 10/03/2022 09:12

Reminds me of a friend who went to a lavish 40th wedding anniversary party - most people present, including the wife, knew the husband had a mistress for about 20 years.

ImAvingOops · 10/03/2022 09:46

BoredZelda it's literally human nature. Every time you have an opinion it's because you've made a judgement about a given situation. Not all judgements are negative and people can choose not to act on their judgement, but they are a necessary human instinct and not something people can just opt out of having.

The OP isn't openly expressing her feelings to the bride and groom but since the vows mean nothing to the groom it's not unreasonable that it means nothing to the OP and she can't be bothered to go.

I also agree with pp who have questioned why the dh needs 'support'. It's not an onerous task to go to a party.

WindyPopPops · 10/03/2022 10:13

I'd go to keep my husband company. Not the kind of relationship I'd want but each to their own.

caringcarer · 10/03/2022 11:21

Sounds like Laura needs all the support she can get. As another poster said at least she will have legal protection if married.

notanothertakeaway · 10/03/2022 12:27

Don't send a wedding gift in advance. Buy it en route to the wedding in case it's cancelled the day before

David sounds like a loser, and I would query your DH's choice in friends

But agree with PP that if Laura can't/won't find better, she might be better off with the legal protection of marriage

beachcitygirl · 10/03/2022 12:33

God you sound like hard work OP
Mrs judgey Pants - big time.

I'm sure the wedding isn't a sham to her, she's clearly besotted.

How dare you judge another women's choices, a woman that you admit you don't know & know nothing about.

Maybe he's her only family, maybe she's been in care, suffered trauma, maybe he supports her in ways you don't see. Maybe she's not bothered about monogamy.

Your dh who presumably you love & respect has made an extremely small and easy request of you to what was it - checks notes.

Attend a day out with food and flowers and wine.

Your answer is no?

Maybe it's your marriage that is the sham?
Just my thoughts although of course I don't know you. Same as you don't know Laura.

PinaColada123456 · 10/03/2022 15:34

@beachcitygirl You internalised misogyny is sad, and your support of a man BOASTING AND LAUGHING ABOUT CHEATING is sad. Have a good look at yourself that you would slam a woman like the OP who stands against women being hurt.

AffIt · 10/03/2022 15:43

One of my brothers in law is a complete tosser (I like the other ones). I've been to all three - THREE - of his past weddings, but I'll probably skip the next one.

With hindsight, I shouldn't have gone to the last one, because I really didn't agree with the circumstances (they really challenged my own moral compass, but I went to keep my OH happy).

Next time (because there will, inevitably, be a next time), I'll just say I'm washing my hair or something.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 10/03/2022 15:56

OP - will there be free food and wine?

If so, maybe suck it up just this once...!

PinaColada123456 · 10/03/2022 16:06

@amijustparanoidorjuststoned There is no such thing as 'free' food and wine. People pay a pretty penny to attend a wedding and buy a gift/outfit/travel. Usually far exceeding the cost of the meal. And no, she doesn't need to 'suck it up'. She clearly doesn't want to go. And why should she.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 10/03/2022 16:10

That's fine, I was just trying to put a positive suggestion forward 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP, is your DP close with his friend? If so could he not just go by himself?

BoredZelda · 11/03/2022 17:31

it's literally human nature. Every time you have an opinion it's because you've made a judgement about a given situation. Not all judgements are negative and people can choose not to act on their judgement, but they are a necessary human instinct and not something people can just opt out of having

What you are talking about there is not the judgement of people and their choices. And using “necessary human instinct” is laughable in that context.

ImAvingOops · 11/03/2022 18:11

Zelda if you are seriously saying to me that you never judge anyone then I'm seriously saying to you that you are lying. It's just not possible.
Judging other people's behaviour is the reason we have laws and codes of conduct and civilisation.
It's a good thing to judge and care about other peoples behaviour. You aren't morally superior because you don't judge a man who continuously cheats on his partner and who has no respect for what marriage means

2Gen · 11/03/2022 19:38

@Shoxfordian

It’ll still be fun- who made you the relationship police anyway?
She's not forbidding the marriage nor trying to stop it at all, is she, so how is she "the relationship police"? They won't really care if she doesn't go, it won't stop them and she's got every right to refuse any invitation she doesn't want to go to, as have we all! I probably would go for my DH's sake in your shoes though OP. He has a wedding I'm not looking forward to at all coming up, but I'll go for him and make the best of it. It is up to you though!
OnTopOfThePiano · 11/03/2022 20:11

I would ask what the menu will be and then decide Grin

RedRoseRay · 11/03/2022 20:21

I think most of the posters on here having a go at the OP for judging the relationship are women who tolerate their partners cheating on them. I wouldn’t go either OP.

cocktailclub · 11/03/2022 20:23

@Acheyknees

Tell David you can't make this one but wl make an effort to attend the next
I love this Smile
tkwal · 11/03/2022 23:58

timeisnotaline

My cousin and his now wife dated when they were about 18. Couple of years later he met someone else while he was working away , she was the total opposite to his girlfriend..and they married in less than 6 months. Turned out she was a narcisstic nymphomaniac who had a couple of one night stands on their honeymoon. He came back to good old gf who took him back and they seemed to settle down. He went on a stag party, had an ONS , girl got pregnant, had a scary family and he got married again. Eventually she decided he wasn't a great catch and threw him back. He went off the rails a bit , travelled around picking up jobs here and there and eventually went home. GF had blossomed not only in looks but confidence but she kept turning him down. Eventually she agreed to go out as friends and things moved on, at a very slow pace. I don't know how he did it but he won her over and as I said before they have now been married for 12 years without a single wobble by him

ImAvingOops · 12/03/2022 00:02

That you know of!

WomanStanleyWoman · 12/03/2022 01:46

@ImAvingOops

That you know of!
Isn’t that true of any marriage? Including your own?