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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the sham wedding?

202 replies

fedoratheexplorer0 · 08/03/2022 20:24

Dh's childhood friend David is getting married this autumn to the mother of his children Laura (not their real names). I have met David only once and Laura not at all.

We received a save the date card a few days ago and I told Dh I won't be going due to the fact their whole relationship seems like a joke.

David and Laura have been on and off again for the last 14 years.
They get together and a short while later he leaves her for another woman he has met and when that goes tits up (as it always has) he goes running back to Laura and she takes him back every time. This has been going on for years now.

Last year he married another woman he had known for only 4 months. It was a very small wedding with only around 8 guests so we weren't invited (thankfully). The marriage lasted less than 6 months due to an affair and when they separated he again ran back to Laura. He has been back with her around 18 months now and although he is a prolific cheat he hasn't actually left her for someone else (as of yet).

Dh is very annoyed at me for saying I don't want to go because it's his childhood friend and he says we have to.
My argument is, Dh goes for months at a time without hearing from this friend and the wedding is a joke and won't last so what's the point?
David has never managed to keep it in his pants and he won't start the day they exchange rings.

So in your opinion Aibu? Should I just go for my Dh?

OP posts:
Mollymoostoo · 08/03/2022 22:05

^^Last year he married another woman he had known for only 4 months. It was a very small wedding with only around 8 guests so we weren't invited (thankfully). The marriage lasted less than 6 months due to an affair and when they separated he again ran back to Laura. He has been back with her around 18 months now and although he is a prolific cheat he hasn't actually left her for someone else (as of yet).

Sorry but these dates don't add up. If he married her last year and was with her 6 months, how could he be back with Laura for 18 months?

AnnesBrokenSlate · 08/03/2022 22:06

Tbh you only know this is a sham wedding because of what your DH has told you and his frankly odd habit of putting his friends on loudspeaker so you can listen in. You've probably attended lots of equally 'sham' weddings, you just didn't have the hotline to the gossip.

Fwiw since Laura has DCs with him, and he has now been married to someone else, it probably does make legal and financial sense for her to become one of his wives. I couldn't begrudge her a nice day/dress/cake and some legal protection after putting up with a tosser for years.

mumwon · 08/03/2022 22:06

Disclaimer - I don't drink
However, if ever I read of an excuse to go to a party & get totally sloshed & say totally wrong things (or at least pretend you are) than this is it

Momijin · 08/03/2022 22:09

I went to a friend's wedding when I was young. Her husband was very jealous and possessive and I didn't enjoy that wedding at all. It is horrible hearing vows being said under those circumstances. But the actual party bit was fun. They only lasted a few years but it enabled her to get away from an abusive family home so it wasn't that bad.

AllOfUsAreDead · 08/03/2022 22:10

It sounds tempting to go, but I don't think I'd be able to stop myself laughing during the vows. Him saying he vows to be loyal or something would make me burst out laughing.

KarmaStar · 08/03/2022 22:11

I would not be keen but i would support my dh as I would hope he would me.

burnoutbabe · 08/03/2022 22:11

If it was a big posh wedding then worth going as cost (hotel) would be outweighed by nice food and drink plus keeping your husband happy.

But here sounds like actually there won't be any free drinks as you say they are both broke.

I'd probably go if chance for husband to see other old friends and nice weekend away. But not if huge hassle to attend (but if husband going regardless then most costs like hotel are incurred whether 2 or 1 go)?

sarahtalkstoomuch · 08/03/2022 22:16

None of these dates add up and it sounds like he wouldn’t have even been able to get divorced yet.

Anyway, I’d go, I love a messy wedding. I agree with the PP - you could easily have been to loads of “sham” weddings in the past, you just didn’t know the gossip

AlternativePerspective · 08/03/2022 22:19

Tbh I have no idea why Laura would want a big wedding given the circumstances.

Let’s be honest, the whole wedding is going to be people gossiping about their relationship, talking about his affairs and what a mug she is to marry him. In general she’s going to be a laughing stock because everyone knows what he’s like and knows he’ll be off shagging someone else before they’re back from honeymoon, assuming he isn’t already.

He’s a twat but she needs to find a bit of self respect.

Although I’d go just to see if anyone stands up at the “if anyone knows of any just cause why these two should not marry” bit. Grin.

Original poster
fedoratheexplorer0 · 08/03/2022 22:34

Again, I apologise for the timings they are more than likely off, as I said, I don't remember them exactly and it may have been early 2020 but they are most definitely now divorced as he went on a night out to celebrate it being finalised and Dh was invited but declined.

It certainly won't be a fancy wedding with hotels and free drinks so there's not even that to persuade me unfortunately.
I just don't understand why Dh is so insistent that we attend, they don't even see each other any more and barely ever speak. In fact, I felt sorry for Dh as I've seen him try to call him quite a few times over the last few months and it only ever rings out these days and the calls are never returned.
Either way, he's made it very clear he intends to go and that he will be upset if I don't come along.

OP posts:
Looubylou · 08/03/2022 22:39

I'd go, to support your husband.

FourChimneys · 08/03/2022 22:43

Tell him you're busy that day but ask for a list of his next wedding and say you'll pencil them in.

I go to the absolute minimum of weddings and certainly wouldn't go to a sham one.

Nomorefuckstogive · 08/03/2022 22:44

Up to you, of course. I’d go, simply because I love weddings. I’m not fussy about whose!

DSGR · 08/03/2022 22:46

The state of their relationship isn’t really any of your business is it? You’re being judgey. Of course you go to support your DH

Nelliephant1 · 08/03/2022 23:08

You've met him once and not met her at all. Even if you had, it's really none of your beeswax. The groom and your husband have been life long friends so I would suggest that you stop judging a situation you know nothing about, support your husband and go to the wedding. You have no idea the discussions that have happened between the bride and groom, if they're happy to be married and are kind enough to invite you, them go.

PainterMummy · 08/03/2022 23:25

He’s your DH friend, even if he’s a jerk. Your DH has asked you to accompany him. Can you not just give up a day and support your DH?

BoredZelda · 08/03/2022 23:29

So glad you put the names in, it would have been so difficult to follow without them, especially with the added confusion of the maths nit adding up.

Don’t go if you don’t want to.

cuno · 08/03/2022 23:36

I'd go to have some fun and drinks, assuming it's not going to require lots of travel/hotel stay/costs. I love a good wedding.

acatcalledjohn · 08/03/2022 23:39

@Looubylou

I'd go, to support your husband.

Why on earth would the OP's DH need support to go to a wedding? He is a grown man.

SiobhanSharpe · 08/03/2022 23:44

Did your DH go to his old friend's first wedding? Or was he not invited to that one ?
I don't see understand why you should be made to go along just to 'support' your husband - it's not a funeral. if he wants to go, fine. You're not stopping him.
It sounds like it's going to be a fairly joyless occasion anyway and i'd certainly give it a swerve.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/03/2022 23:46

David sounds like a right dick head.
No reason why I would want to give up my time to celebrate with someone I dislike.
Why can't your DH go on his own?
He doesn't need support, you're not a zimmer frame.

Original poster
fedoratheexplorer0 · 09/03/2022 00:17

@Nelliephant1

You've met him once and not met her at all. Even if you had, it's really none of your beeswax. The groom and your husband have been life long friends so I would suggest that you stop judging a situation you know nothing about, support your husband and go to the wedding. You have no idea the discussions that have happened between the bride and groom, if they're happy to be married and are kind enough to invite you, them go.
I know far more about their situation than I wish too actually. She's hasn't a clue he's up to his old tricks again and David finds that amusing. He's vile.
OP posts:
Original poster
fedoratheexplorer0 · 09/03/2022 00:20

@SiobhanSharpe

Did your DH go to his old friend's first wedding? Or was he not invited to that one ? I don't see understand why you should be made to go along just to 'support' your husband - it's not a funeral. if he wants to go, fine. You're not stopping him. It sounds like it's going to be a fairly joyless occasion anyway and i'd certainly give it a swerve.
My thoughts exactly. No, we weren't invited to that wedding as there was only 8 guests invited, most of the family hadn't even met her until the wedding day.
OP posts:
OpheliaThrupps · 09/03/2022 00:22

What's it got to do with you? Go to the wedding.

timeisnotaline · 09/03/2022 00:23

@tkwal

The wedding may be a triumph of hope over experience but I'm always in favour of being optimistic. Maybe the short lived marriage to Ms Right(for now) has finally made David see the error of his ways and that he'd been with the really right one all along. This could have been written about one of my cousins, he married twice before he realised he had known his perfect match for years. 12th Anniversary just passed
Could it be about your cousin? Do you really mean they married twice in between years of a relations up with the same woman, regularly cheating on her, leaving her and two of those times he married the other woman? Or just had two failed marriages and then discovered an old friend was his soulmate which is completely different?