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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the sham wedding?

202 replies

fedoratheexplorer0 · 08/03/2022 20:24

Dh's childhood friend David is getting married this autumn to the mother of his children Laura (not their real names). I have met David only once and Laura not at all.

We received a save the date card a few days ago and I told Dh I won't be going due to the fact their whole relationship seems like a joke.

David and Laura have been on and off again for the last 14 years.
They get together and a short while later he leaves her for another woman he has met and when that goes tits up (as it always has) he goes running back to Laura and she takes him back every time. This has been going on for years now.

Last year he married another woman he had known for only 4 months. It was a very small wedding with only around 8 guests so we weren't invited (thankfully). The marriage lasted less than 6 months due to an affair and when they separated he again ran back to Laura. He has been back with her around 18 months now and although he is a prolific cheat he hasn't actually left her for someone else (as of yet).

Dh is very annoyed at me for saying I don't want to go because it's his childhood friend and he says we have to.
My argument is, Dh goes for months at a time without hearing from this friend and the wedding is a joke and won't last so what's the point?
David has never managed to keep it in his pants and he won't start the day they exchange rings.

So in your opinion Aibu? Should I just go for my Dh?

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 09:39

[quote PinaColada123456]@DrSbaitso You suggested her "not going was likely to cause drama and trouble". Being disappointed is one thing, but if he is going to cause "drama and trouble" over it then he would be being a bully. Why would her not going to a party cause 'drama and trouble'?

She doesn't want to go! She shouldn't have to go. It is her husband that is the one who should suck it up and go alone. And that is exactly what he would do if his wife's wishes meant anything to him. He needs to suck it up![/quote]
Because it's likely to cause hurt feelings and a sense of division to the husband and that itself isn't likely to full OP with boundless joy herself. Perhaps "drama and trouble" were too strong words to use, but I was thinking about how I'd feel if my husband refused to come to my childhood friend's wedding with me.

Just seems to me that if OP makes this lofty principled stand, it makes no difference to Dave or Laura who don't know her, but causes some degree of negativity at home. To what purpose?

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 09:50

@DrSbaitso If the OP's husband believes in marriage and what it stands for then it shouldn't hurt his feelings that his wife doesn't want to attend the 'marriage' ceremony of someone who clearly doesn't believe in fidelity and is making a mockery of it. He should understand. And suck it up. Whether OP's 'stand' makes any difference to the couple is not the point. It's like saying people who are vegetarian or vegan should eat meat at a guests home because their stand isn't going to save the animal they rest are eating. The OP isn't making a stand to the couple. She is simply not going to a wedding she doesn't want to go to, and doesn't have to go to, and doesn't support. It really is that simple. If the husband has hurt feelings then it shows he doesn't understand the OP's beliefs, and doesn't respect her beliefs and boundaries. He therefore should just suck it up.

DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 09:55

I'm a choose-your-battles kind of person, PinaColada123456, which is why I don't think Dave and Laura's wedding is worth causing any bad feeling at home when it's not going to have any other demonstrable effect anywhere. And also why I'm not going to spend all day on this one either. The attempt to equate attending a wedding with forcing a vegetarian to eat meat is just the kicker, really.

Doratheexploret · 09/03/2022 09:57

It’s your husband’s friend. Just go. it’s not your problem if t-he’s a twat and if you think the marriage won’t last.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 10:00

@DrSbaitso

I'm a choose-your-battles kind of person, PinaColada123456, which is why I don't think Dave and Laura's wedding is worth causing any bad feeling at home when it's not going to have any other demonstrable effect anywhere. And also why I'm not going to spend all day on this one either. The attempt to equate attending a wedding with forcing a vegetarian to eat meat is just the kicker, really.
Exactly why the OP's husband shouldn't be causing bad feelings over someone else's wedding that isn't going to have an affect on his life or the OP's life. Her husband should pick his battles. And not bully his wife into attending something she doesn't want to do. He should man up, suck it up, and go alone.

Btw I used the vegetarian analogy to your 'take a stand' point. You said taking a stand won't affect Dave and Laura. It's the same thing. Not eating meat won't affect the animal already been killed and cooked. The thing is, people have likes and dislikes, principles and boundaries. And if the husband is going to cause 'bad feelings' over a silly wedding and party, when it has no affect on his life otherwise, he has major issues. The OP doesn't want to go. He needs to suck it up. It's not worth him causing trouble over it.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 10:03

@DrSbaitso

I'm a choose-your-battles kind of person, PinaColada123456, which is why I don't think Dave and Laura's wedding is worth causing any bad feeling at home when it's not going to have any other demonstrable effect anywhere. And also why I'm not going to spend all day on this one either. The attempt to equate attending a wedding with forcing a vegetarian to eat meat is just the kicker, really.
Just another point: why does 'choose your battles' only refer to the OP?

How about the man choose his battles, and not make this his hill to die on? How about HIM choose his battles?

You seem to put all the onus on the OP, and it's not even her friend or her friend's wedding! So why not he be the one to choose his battles? If it's going to cause trouble with his wife, maybe he should consider not going?

Alicetheowl · 09/03/2022 10:20

NRTFT but it's par for the course with weddings. Some you're genuinely happy for them, sometimes you can't understand what they see in bitchy bridezilla/waste of space who can't hold down a decent job/boring nerd with all the charisma of a pebble and a face like a dropped pie. Sometimes you just know it won't last. You just have to plaster on a smile and enjoy the day. Free food, meeting some nice people.

Having said that,one of the weddings I went to in the past me and my OH were sure it was a bad idea for the bride to marry him, 15 years later they seem quite happy.

SleeplessInEngland · 09/03/2022 10:28

The husband shouldn't make a fuss. He can just go on his own and say "sorry, wife can't make it - explosive diarrhoea."

gannett · 09/03/2022 10:56

@Alicetheowl

NRTFT but it's par for the course with weddings. Some you're genuinely happy for them, sometimes you can't understand what they see in bitchy bridezilla/waste of space who can't hold down a decent job/boring nerd with all the charisma of a pebble and a face like a dropped pie. Sometimes you just know it won't last. You just have to plaster on a smile and enjoy the day. Free food, meeting some nice people.

Having said that,one of the weddings I went to in the past me and my OH were sure it was a bad idea for the bride to marry him, 15 years later they seem quite happy.

Exactly.

We all have our opinions on our friends' choices of partner but ultimately it's not up to us. I've been to a wedding where the bride's group of friends totted up every time the groom said "I" versus his wife's name during his interminable speech, it was definitely a running joke among them at that point. (They're still together 5 years later, though not especially happily from what I hear.)

Trying to imagine how bizarre it would be if I RSVPed to all weddings based on whether I thought they'd last.

And I'm sure your husband will be fine if he goes by himself but we all KNOW that weddings are coupley events and if you have a partner it's nice to have them with you. Most people in long-term relationships will end up at a few weddings where they don't know either bride or groom at all, and will still manage to have fun (the above wedding with the self-centred speech was one of those for me, everyone definitely needed to let off steam once it was over).

rainbowmash · 09/03/2022 11:07

To be honest, I'd go for the vol-au-vent and the disco.

It sounds like you have a lot of empathy and care towards the idea of a (likely) future heartbreak, which is very fine and human of you, but it's not your circus or your monkeys. Doesn't mean you can't buy a ticket to said circus, though...

In a few months, you'll have a great "I told you so" story, and some photos of yourself in your nice occasionwear. Win!

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 09/03/2022 11:25

@Acheyknees Tell David you can't make this one but wl make an effort to attend the next

So funny!

Thewindwhispers · 09/03/2022 11:55

You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.

Why is your DH friends with this creep?

swimlyn · 09/03/2022 12:28

A lot of the posts here show very clearly just why the patriarchy WILL win.

“Be the good obedient wife and do what he wants.”

OP has principles. Husband does not.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 12:32

@swimlyn

A lot of the posts here show very clearly just why the patriarchy WILL win.

“Be the good obedient wife and do what he wants.”

OP has principles. Husband does not.

She's not going because she doesn't think they'll last, not because he's a cheat.
potniatheron · 09/03/2022 12:49

Some of the posters on her don't seem to have read all of OP's posts. DH and David are not close friends and in fact David has gone AWOL over the past few months and is blocking DH's attempts to contact him.

It sounds like it's gonna be a shitshow of a wedding OP and I suspect you have been invited to make up the numbers as Laura's family and friends are not in favour. So I don't think you're BU at all, however I also reckon this wedding is gonna get cancelled soon so you won't have to worry.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 09/03/2022 12:56

You don't need to go and I don't think that's unreasonable. Just make up an excuse and your husband can go himself.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 13:05

@swimlyn

A lot of the posts here show very clearly just why the patriarchy WILL win.

“Be the good obedient wife and do what he wants.”

OP has principles. Husband does not.

Yep, and notice how it's only ever the woman who has to 'suck it up', and never the man? And how it's only ever the woman who will 'cause drama and trouble' and 'cause friction' for not doing what the man says, but it's never the man who is one causing the drama, trouble and friction for harassing a woman to drop her boundaries and do something she is uncomfortable with? The internalised misogyny of some of the women on this thread is horrific and I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't read it with my own two eyes. And around IWD, of all times!
PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 13:06

@girlmom21 @girlmom21 She mentioned him cheating, and him bragging about it and laughing about it and telling her DH every time. She said nothing about it not lasting. She doesn't want to go because he is an unrepentant and proud cheat. Nothing to do if they last or not.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 13:08

[quote PinaColada123456]@girlmom21 @girlmom21 She mentioned him cheating, and him bragging about it and laughing about it and telling her DH every time. She said nothing about it not lasting. She doesn't want to go because he is an unrepentant and proud cheat. Nothing to do if they last or not.[/quote]
Quote from the OP: My argument is, Dh goes for months at a time without hearing from this friend and the wedding is a joke and won't last so what's the point?

SleeplessInEngland · 09/03/2022 13:20

Bloody hell, I see we've escalated to 'internalised mosogyny' and 'this is why the patriarchy WILL win' showboating.

OP: on the off-chance you haven't buggered off and will actually read this - it sounds like the couple in question couldn't care less whether you turn up or not so I'd just tell your husband to make an excuse for you.

(I assume you're not expecting him to tell the groom "she's not here because she thinks you're a prick and the marriage is doomed," in which case YABU.)

lborgia · 09/03/2022 13:31

All these posters asking why is OP being judgy?! Because his behaviour is APPALLING!!

Orchidsonthetable · 09/03/2022 13:37

@lborgia

All these posters asking why is OP being judgy?! Because his behaviour is APPALLING!!
I think that’s up to his future wife to judge.
ImAvingOops · 09/03/2022 14:16

I think that judging someone is not the worst thing in the world - we all do it (and anyone who says otherwise is a liar). And there's some behaviour which absolutely ought to be judged negatively. Such as repeatedly cheating on a partner and making promises that you have no intention of keeping. There's nothing wrong with the OP for not being bothered to endorse it.

ManateeFair · 09/03/2022 14:46

As she has agreed to the wedding, Laura is presumably OK with all this crap and has probably agreed to accept that he will always cheat. Maybe they’re planning to have an open marriage. Who knows?

David sounds awful but I don’t really see how his behaviour is affecting you, or why you feel that boycotting his wedding is actually going to achieve anything. Laura isn’t going to turn around and say ‘Oh! This woman I’ve never met isn’t coming to the wedding. CALL OFF THE CEREMONY!’ The wedding will happen whether you’re there or not, so the only person to whom you’re making a point and who will be adversely affected is actually your DH, who has done nothing wrong.

alwayswrighty · 09/03/2022 15:37

@fedoratheexplorer0

If its any consolation we had to sit through a Catholic blessing of BIL whose marriage is definitely a sham I can't go into detail and we know they will get divorced next September