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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to go to the sham wedding?

202 replies

fedoratheexplorer0 · 08/03/2022 20:24

Dh's childhood friend David is getting married this autumn to the mother of his children Laura (not their real names). I have met David only once and Laura not at all.

We received a save the date card a few days ago and I told Dh I won't be going due to the fact their whole relationship seems like a joke.

David and Laura have been on and off again for the last 14 years.
They get together and a short while later he leaves her for another woman he has met and when that goes tits up (as it always has) he goes running back to Laura and she takes him back every time. This has been going on for years now.

Last year he married another woman he had known for only 4 months. It was a very small wedding with only around 8 guests so we weren't invited (thankfully). The marriage lasted less than 6 months due to an affair and when they separated he again ran back to Laura. He has been back with her around 18 months now and although he is a prolific cheat he hasn't actually left her for someone else (as of yet).

Dh is very annoyed at me for saying I don't want to go because it's his childhood friend and he says we have to.
My argument is, Dh goes for months at a time without hearing from this friend and the wedding is a joke and won't last so what's the point?
David has never managed to keep it in his pants and he won't start the day they exchange rings.

So in your opinion Aibu? Should I just go for my Dh?

OP posts:
Icehole · 09/03/2022 07:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

londonrach · 09/03/2022 07:15

Is he divorced yet?

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/03/2022 07:20

What did I just read???

Given that you quoted it right above this comment, I’m somewhat surprised you’ve already forgotten.

Wednesdayafternoon · 09/03/2022 07:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Refers to deleted post

IFinallyJoinedNowWhat · 09/03/2022 07:21

@Acheyknees

Tell David you can't make this one but wl make an effort to attend the next
Grin I believe you just won the thread...
PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 08:08

The amount of women on here that think a wife should go to a wedding she doesn't believe in or support are staggering. Whatever happened to principles and "it's an invitation not a summons"? People don't respect marriage anymore, even posters on here who don't take it seriously and think it's all just a party. No wonder marriages don't last these days. If someone doesn't support the wedding of a couple they shouldn't go, and no one should pressure the OP or anyone to go. If her husband wants to go, let him go. The OP doesn't need to be there. More importantly, she doesn't want to be there.

alwayswrighty · 09/03/2022 08:10

I'd probably go and run a book on how long it'll be before he cheats again.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 08:11

OP I would refuse to go and I would tell your DH that marriage is important to you, you take it seriously, and you don't support this wedding. That you won't be going and won't change your mind and you consider the matter closed and he can go but you won't be and he needs to respect that and respect your feelings and principles.

DSGR · 09/03/2022 08:25

Really? We don’t do things because our partners want us to? Isn’t that part of the give and take of a relationship? I can think of dozens of events like wedding las and nights out with my friends that my partner might have preferred to skip.. but he came with me because I wanted him there and everyone else was in couples. And I do the same for him. We also enjoy our own nights out without each other really often. I think it’s fair that sometimes you just have to suck up your own views because this event or thing is important to your partner

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 08:30

@DSGR

Really? We don’t do things because our partners want us to? Isn’t that part of the give and take of a relationship? I can think of dozens of events like wedding las and nights out with my friends that my partner might have preferred to skip.. but he came with me because I wanted him there and everyone else was in couples. And I do the same for him. We also enjoy our own nights out without each other really often. I think it’s fair that sometimes you just have to suck up your own views because this event or thing is important to your partner
No, a woman should not have to compromise her principles just because her husband has none, and no woman should have to 'suck it up', that is so offensive and degrading. Especially as all it is is a wedding and it's not anything necessary for her to need to be there for. If it was a work promotion dinner for DH or Christmas do, that would be different. This has no impact on DH or OP's life. He doesn't need 'support' to go to a party. OP has principles and doesn't need to sacrifice them for a party. It's about having self respect and principles.
DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 08:32

@SleeplessInEngland

There are things to take a principled stand on in life, but an on-off again couple deciding to give it a go isn’t one of them. That petty level of sanctimony is frankly exhausting.
Quite.

Not going is likely to cause drama and trouble and it isn't going to make any difference to Dave's innate dickery. The only person who should be thinking hard about it is Laura. She knows him, she knows he's an utter knob, she's chosen to go ahead with it.

If she were on here asking if she should go, the responses would be very different. But she's not. A guest who's met Dave once and Laura never doesn't have to agonise over it. They're total strangers.

SartresSoul · 09/03/2022 08:34

Well, you’re not forced to go and I’m sure they ultimately won’t be that arsed if you don’t so it’s entirely your choice. Poor Laura.

notthemum · 09/03/2022 08:35

@ImInStealthMode

The time scale since his last wedding seems quite short; if he married in 2021 is he even divorced to marry Laura?? Don't you need to be married a year before you can even start the process of divorce?
This. If he married last year, how can he have been back with Laura for 18 months and unless the previous wedding wasn't legal or was immediately annulled (not the easiest) how can he be marrying Laura ?
DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 08:37

@SartresSoul

Well, you’re not forced to go and I’m sure they ultimately won’t be that arsed if you don’t so it’s entirely your choice. Poor Laura.
If OP doesn't go, the husband is hardly going to tell the couple the real reason. He'll just say she has a prior engagement. Dave and Laura won't care, they don't know her and they only invited her as his plus one.

The only couple that will have any kind of friction over this is OP and her husband.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 08:38

@DrSbaitso Not going is likely to cause drama and trouble

If her doing something so simple and so harmless like not going to a wedding is going to cause "drama and trouble" then that says more about the bully husband than the OP who simply just not want to go to a wedding. Not wanting to go to a wedding but not stopping your husband from going should not be this big a deal.

DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 08:42

[quote PinaColada123456]**@DrSbaitso* Not going is likely to cause drama and trouble*

If her doing something so simple and so harmless like not going to a wedding is going to cause "drama and trouble" then that says more about the bully husband than the OP who simply just not want to go to a wedding. Not wanting to go to a wedding but not stopping your husband from going should not be this big a deal.[/quote]
Well, if the husband is a bully, that's a separate issue and this wedding is the least of her worries.

I don't think disapproval of two complete strangers is worth causing friction at home. Especially when the strangers in question won't know or care about it.

Frauhubert · 09/03/2022 08:45

Will there be just cake and blocks of cheese in the evening?

Ohyesiam · 09/03/2022 08:46

Your husband is wrong, you don’t have to go.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 08:47

@DrSbaitso But if it 'causes friction' then that is only because the husband is a bully. Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't care that the OP won't go, he'd accept her wishes and not carry on about it. Only a bully would cause friction. Why can't he just accept no for an answer? It's a wedding. A party. He doesn't need her there. And she doesn't want to be there. Why all the fuss over a woman not wanting to go to a wedding? And why are people suggesting she do something she doesn't want to do, just to avoid friction and drama in her marriage? No woman should be forced to do something they don't want to do nor should they be made to feel bad about it. Nor should people on here be making her feel bad or trying to get her to remove her boundaries.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:09

But if it 'causes friction' then that is only because the husband is a bully.

I don't think being a bit disappointed that his wife won't go to his childhood friends wedding with him makes him a bully.

DrSbaitso · 09/03/2022 09:19

[quote PinaColada123456]@DrSbaitso But if it 'causes friction' then that is only because the husband is a bully. Because if he wasn't, he wouldn't care that the OP won't go, he'd accept her wishes and not carry on about it. Only a bully would cause friction. Why can't he just accept no for an answer? It's a wedding. A party. He doesn't need her there. And she doesn't want to be there. Why all the fuss over a woman not wanting to go to a wedding? And why are people suggesting she do something she doesn't want to do, just to avoid friction and drama in her marriage? No woman should be forced to do something they don't want to do nor should they be made to feel bad about it. Nor should people on here be making her feel bad or trying to get her to remove her boundaries.[/quote]
I haven't seen anything in OP's posts to suggest he's a bully. Just that he'd rather she went with him and has let her know that. I think most attached people prefer to attend weddings with their partners than alone. Especially if they've both been invited.

If I've got that wrong and he's a bully, this is an entirely different conversation and the wedding isn't the issue.

Assuming he's not a bully, because at the moment theres no evidence that he is, and OP loves him, then personally I think she ought to go and suck it up, for him. It's the kind of "principled stand" that won't make zip diddly squat difference to the people it's aimed at, not least because OP doesn't even know them. It's the husband who'd be paying the price, it'll make no difference to anyone else and I can't really see any moral high ground in that.

PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 09:29

@girlmom21

But if it 'causes friction' then that is only because the husband is a bully.

I don't think being a bit disappointed that his wife won't go to his childhood friends wedding with him makes him a bully.

Sure but the poster I was replying to said her "not going was likely to cause drama and trouble". Being disappointed is one thing, but if he is going to cause "drama and trouble" over it then he would be being a bully.
PinaColada123456 · 09/03/2022 09:32

@DrSbaitso You suggested her "not going was likely to cause drama and trouble". Being disappointed is one thing, but if he is going to cause "drama and trouble" over it then he would be being a bully. Why would her not going to a party cause 'drama and trouble'?

She doesn't want to go! She shouldn't have to go. It is her husband that is the one who should suck it up and go alone. And that is exactly what he would do if his wife's wishes meant anything to him. He needs to suck it up!

axolotlfloof · 09/03/2022 09:32

Don't go.
DH needs to take a closer look at who he is friends with.
Just knowing someone from childhood is not a good enough reason to stay friends with a twat.

girlmom21 · 09/03/2022 09:33

@PinaColada123456 it's not necessarily the husband that's going to cause drama and trouble.

I've seen posts on here where a DH has gone to a wedding alone because the DW didn't want to go, then he's said he needs to stay overnight because he can't drink and drive and she's kicked up a huge fuss that it means he's leaving her with the kids for almost 24 hours alone.

Or where he's done to his childhood friends wedding and she's got upset his childhood sweetheart was there, or he's drank more than he would've done when she wasn't there because he's basically had a boys night out.

He'll also have to lie for her to his friend about why she couldn't come.

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