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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:30

@WonderfulYou

He didn’t say anything wrong.

Actually she probably preferred his comment as he didn’t dismiss her feelings and knows her well enough to know how she’s going to feel about it.

Acknowledging how someone feels isn’t a bad thing.
It’s like you are trying to find fault when there is none.

No she did not prefer his comment!! I didn't dismiss her feelings, I gave her help with dealing with them. He just made her feel scared and out of control. I know my DD and so should he!
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 18:33

OP, you say your very sensitive daughter needs preparing

But why on earth did you tell her this evening when it's not until tomorrow morning??

She now has all night to unnecessarily fret about it Confused

And yet you feel your husband was the one in the wrong?

Bromse · 07/03/2022 18:33

Blood tests don't take long so any pain, which isn't much, is soon over. I hope your daughter is OK, op.

FantasticFebruary · 07/03/2022 18:34

@UndertheCedartree

You're the one that was there
You're the one that knows your DD

You have Autism & your DD most likely dies too. Ignore the stupid & nasty replies. It seems like it's butching hour on MN.

You ex DH is a twunt.

Good Luck with the blood test in the morning!

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:35

@MiddleParking

I wish he could have just been calm about it.

See, I’d be irritated if my husband offered my child numbing cream/a muffin/cuddles over a blood test, because I’d see that as a lack of calm.

Yes, but he should know our DD and that those are the kind of things she needs
OP posts:
grey12 · 07/03/2022 18:36

Mine calmed her, his scared her! So yes, mine was better!

No, you reacted to her response 🤷🏻‍♀️ her dad didn't. His answer was quite good! Tbh my answer wouldn't have been so kind Blush I'm very straightforward when it comes to medical procedures: it has to be done, it has to be done!!!

UKRAINEwearewithyou · 07/03/2022 18:36

I often find that children are more anxious if the parent is anxious and more calm if the parent is. Some parents make blood tests to be big things and others take them in their stride, this impacts on how the child perceives if it will hurt or not.

To burst into tears at the thought of a blood test does sound overly dramatic though.

NameChanger45465465 · 07/03/2022 18:37

I think made it worse tbh.

His comment was fine.

Also are you sure she will be offered numbing cream ?

NameChanger45465465 · 07/03/2022 18:37

@NameChanger45465465

I think made it worse tbh.

His comment was fine.

Also are you sure she will be offered numbing cream ?

I think you made it worse.

That Should have said.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:37

@TeaForTiger

I also wouldn't have said anything until just before, otherwise it just gives them longer to worry about it.

Your EX's comment sounding honest and caring, I can't see anything wrong in what he said at all.

As I've said I needed to prepare her. And yes, I get you didn't hear it but that is what I'm trying to say it didn't come across honest and caring to either of us. Just catastrophic and frightening!
OP posts:
WeirdlyKind · 07/03/2022 18:38

@UndertheCedartree

The point is he made her scared about having the blood test.
I'm sorry, but realistically I think you made her scared with all the carrying on. Can't be undone now but next time I'd keep it more low key. Save the muffin for after basically!
EmpressCixi · 07/03/2022 18:39

I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears
The first thing you said made her cry too. So I think you can’t blame her dad on this, as it appears your DC is nervous about blood tests in general.

We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

You also raised the blood test subject again....which is half the reason why she started to cry again. If you hadn’t raised it in front of her, would she have cried again? Probably not.

So, YABU to blame her dad on this at all.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 18:41

As I've said I needed to prepare her.

You've given her a whole night to fret about it.

Why would you do that?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:41

@thecatsthecats

But you just said that you don't believe it will be all fine when it might hurt her, so which is it?

Whether you're together or not, you don't have to share the same approach. She's old enough to know that Dad might react one way and mum another. She won't live her entire life with people tailoring her responses to her.

Ofgs! Yes, it might hurt but we can help. His approach just frightened her. I'm not going to traumatise her as a DC just because she is growing up in a NT world. She will be better able to deal with that when she is older. As another poster said when you have ND children you really need to be on the same page! He just prefers me to deal with it all!
OP posts:
cuno · 07/03/2022 18:42

OP: AIBU?
Everyone: Yes, YABU.
OP: No I'm not!

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:42

@Arghhconfused

It wasn't that bad a comment tbh, I couldn't get upset about it. When my DD aged 6 needed bloodtests my reaction was "oh Wow you get a bloodiest that's so cool!" She had the bloodiest thinking it was a pretty amazing thing!
Gosh, wish it was that easy! Grin
OP posts:
Shiloh139 · 07/03/2022 18:45

I don't think it was unreasonable of him but I understand why you're annoyed about it, given DD's reaction. I put it on a par with all those people who say to kids who are starting primary school "Oooh, are you nervous/scared?". It can plant the seed that there is something to be nervous/scared about, but people were not asking that question with malicious intent, and hopefully the same is true of your ex and his comment.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:45

@Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious - I'm sorry but you are just coming across as a bully. Some of us are more sensitive, some of us do feel things more, some of us struggle with our emotions. Please don't try and invalidate me and put me down as 'dramatic'. Just be glad you don't have to struggle like us.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 07/03/2022 18:45

No idea what you've done to bring out the wilful misunderstanders and determined disagreers here...

I get it OP - you've had to tell her, had to calm her down.

The next thing she hears is her dad doing dramatic sarky 'OOoooooooooh you won't like thaaaaaaaaaaaat' bordering on intentially winding her up again.

He is a twat. A thoughtless stupid twat. Next time he opens his gob and says somethign stupid to her, tell her (appropriately) 'ignore your Dad he's being a dramatic idiot ... again!'

Mydogmylife · 07/03/2022 18:46

@JustWonderingIfYou

Tbh I wouldn't have said any of the rubbish you said. You made it a massive deal, that needs tears and muffins and cuddles. I'd have just said on the way to the drs "you're having a blood test, it's not a big thing. You've had them before when you were small".

I'm convinced people who make a drama llama about needles have inherited it from their parents.

Agree with this - being matter of fact about these things usually has a better outcome than an indication that your going to need special treats and cuddles. Also she's 9 not 5
Sirzy · 07/03/2022 18:47

Taking her upstairs to tell her on her own is making a big thing of it. And then you had to bring it up again when downstairs to tell her dad.

Ds has had many procedures over the years and has had play therapy to help him prepare for the bigger ones. The key from them has always been keep it simple, keep it factual. Don’t make a big song and dance about it. As PP said children can feed of parental anxiety.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 18:47

@WiddlinDiddlin

No idea what you've done to bring out the wilful misunderstanders and determined disagreers here...

I get it OP - you've had to tell her, had to calm her down.

The next thing she hears is her dad doing dramatic sarky 'OOoooooooooh you won't like thaaaaaaaaaaaat' bordering on intentially winding her up again.

He is a twat. A thoughtless stupid twat. Next time he opens his gob and says somethign stupid to her, tell her (appropriately) 'ignore your Dad he's being a dramatic idiot ... again!'

Nice bit of fictional writing there Hmm
Cognoscenti · 07/03/2022 18:50

But... No one would look forward to a blood test. It sounds like telling her in advance and making a bit of a fuss with numbing cream and muffins, etc. probably didn't help either.
I'm not sure why there's so much mention of neurotypes, but I'm ND with GAD and a panic disorder if it makes a difference, and I don't think he said anything wrong.

BeHappy91818 · 07/03/2022 18:50

He didn’t say anything wrong. Are you always so dramatic Confused

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:51

@milkysmum

I think the talk of numbing cream, muffins, cuddles etc is likely to be far less helpful in the long run and far more likely to increase anxiety ( and I say that as a mental health practitioner with decades of experience), as well as being the parent of young teen with ND traits.
I have an autistic DS and am autistic myself. And also a nurse! I know exactly what does and does not help my DC. I get it for some DC this just would not even register as an issue. But that just isn't the case here. As their mum, I deal with my DC, day in and day out and I know exactly what helps. Of course not all ND DC are the same!

I'm interested why you think it is not a helpful approach?

OP posts:
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