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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:17

@JuneBug94

A blood test is an unpleasant experience. But I wouldn't call it 'trauma'.

Maybe using words like this reflects on your DDs reactions such as bursting into tears when your ex says a throwaway comment that could've literally been about anything.

Anyway, I hope today goes well for her. (And you.)

Thank you - it went smoothly! The plan went well, the emla cream helped. She only shed a tear when the needle went right in. But she stayed calm which was brilliant. And she thoroughly enjoyed her muffin!
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:20

@MayorMargeret

If you ever come back to this thread (and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't) have you thought about why you needed to tell dd about the test while her dad was still there? On reflection it would seem logical to wait until after he'd gone. Also you make the point about you having to calm her down again after his remark. Going forward, could you just leave him to deal with it? He caused the upset and should really sort it out. I presume he does if anything happens while he has her. Anyway, good luck this morning. I hope dd will not be anxious.
Yes, that makes sense. I will wait in future, thank you. He always wants me to step in. If either of the DC is upset he phones me to deal with it, even when I was in hospital. He says I'm better at it and he doesn't know what to say! I do coach him through it if he lets me. Thank you, it went well.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:22

@peboh

Blood tests do often hurt. There's no point in pretending you can mitigate the pain. Was his comment slightly thoughtless? Yes. However he didn't lie, he just told her the truth. I think the big issue here is getting your daughter support for her anxiety, it's clearly something that she's struggling with and you seem to be wrapping her up in cotton wool to make things 'easier' (which is great) but not actually dealing with the issue at hand.
Well you can mitigate it with numbing cream. She is having play therapy, thank you.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:23

@peboh

Oh wait just seen your last comment. Does your child have asd? If so then ignore my comment as the way to approach it would be totally different.
We know she has traits and is waiting assessment. Her brother and I are autistic so it is quite likely.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:26

@Sirzy

I am actually impressed a (possibly) autistic, highly anxious person is so easily plated and bribed with a muffin offer after something to be honest!
It's a way of not focusing on the hard part once it is over but being able to transition quickly into something pleasant. So while you are struggling you have a scaffold to be able to move on. I find it really helpful for me and the DC.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:29

[quote MurmuratingStarling]@UndertheCedartree

Well, plenty of people have agreed with me! However, as I said it was just a vent!

Over 80% of almost 1300 people have DISAGREED with you though. I would say that pretty much confirms that you ARE being unreasonable.

Surely you should accept you are now yes? Seeing as how you posted this thread on here asking mumsnet posters if you are being unreasonable, and some 1100 out of 1300 (over 80%) have said you ARE being unreasonable!

Why don't you just accept you are being unreasonable?[/quote]
I accept I'm unreasonable that it shouldn't be said to any DC. However, for my DC no, it shouldn't be said. People also decided to comment on how I handled things with my DD. Those who have DC with SEN understood. So I guess those are the voices I am listening to as they have the experience to answer.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:30

@187mob

I’m going to go against the grain here and simply state that at the end of the day, whilst OP did come here for advice, those attacking her are really not helping. Take some time away from this thread OP to look after and love on your children, and then come back and make your final decision. Ultimately, and —dis—respectfully, ignore what most of the pp’s have said because this is your child and nobody knows your child better than you.
Thank you so much.
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Sirzy · 08/03/2022 14:31

I know what scaffolding and transitioning are and I’m pleased they worked for you! For many people with autism it wouldn’t work in this kind of situation as it doesn’t take away the unknown

incognitoforthisone · 08/03/2022 14:31

When was that? I had it all the time in the 90s. It does still exist.

Throughout the 80s and 90s for me. Never once offered. Maybe they only offer it if the kid is particularly scared or panicky - great that they do offer it, obviously, I've just never experienced it so I was interested.

What you said is what my mum did to me as a DC and it caused major trauma.

I genuinely don't mean this in a critical way, but is it possible there's a bit of projection going on here? Are you maybe seeing your daughter as an extension of yourself, because this is all bringing back memories of your own anxieties?

Either way - I see your DD has now had her blood test and is fine, which is grand. Glad it was OK for her and glad she enjoyed her muffin.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:31

@toomanydogsandcats

You sound like a nightmare partner. No.wonder he is ex
He is an ex due to domestic violence during a psychotic episode. However, we are still good friends.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:34

@toomanydogsandcats

Sweetie go rest. You are way too invested
I know! It's not a good thing, I know. I just get a bit obsessed! Thank you for being kind, it really helps.
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Lambkin689 · 08/03/2022 14:34

@Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns

Was this your first time speaking to a man? Wink
Hahahaha yes, spot on.
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:37

@Sirzy

I know what scaffolding and transitioning are and I’m pleased they worked for you! For many people with autism it wouldn’t work in this kind of situation as it doesn’t take away the unknown
Talking through exactly what will happen and that the emla cream numbs the skin etc really helped her. I appreciate it doesn't always work so smoothly and of course not at all for some with ASD.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 14:42

@incognitoforthisone

When was that? I had it all the time in the 90s. It does still exist.

Throughout the 80s and 90s for me. Never once offered. Maybe they only offer it if the kid is particularly scared or panicky - great that they do offer it, obviously, I've just never experienced it so I was interested.

What you said is what my mum did to me as a DC and it caused major trauma.

I genuinely don't mean this in a critical way, but is it possible there's a bit of projection going on here? Are you maybe seeing your daughter as an extension of yourself, because this is all bringing back memories of your own anxieties?

Either way - I see your DD has now had her blood test and is fine, which is grand. Glad it was OK for her and glad she enjoyed her muffin.

Thank you. I think the reason it has been so stressful for me is that yes, it brings back memories. I see my DD having some of the same struggles and I want to do what I can to prevent it becoming a traumatic experience for her. I already know how to help her with anxiety so I do that. A clear plan puts her in control. I was able to be calm with her during the blood test, probably also because I know we have a plan.

But for me, it has brought an awful lot back and I'm not feeling in a very good place, actually.

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LizzieW1969 · 08/03/2022 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 21:21

@nitsandwormsdodger

You both made her cry Nothing too wrong with what he said- what he said in hospital was unforgivable so maybe your still angry / upset from that ? She needs bit more resilience can I recommend Claire baldings book
Thank you for the suggestion, the book looks good.
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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 21:24

@Springhassprung86

What do you mean she has sensitive skin and more likely to hurt? Is this an actual medically diagnosed condition?? Confused
Yes, Ehlers-Danlos
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kittensinthekitchen · 08/03/2022 21:46

I'm really glad things went well - for both of you - today @UndertheCedartree
I hope you get some answers soon.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 08/03/2022 22:05

@kittensinthekitchen

I'm really glad things went well - for both of you - today *@UndertheCedartree* I hope you get some answers soon.
Thank you, that is very kind, me too.
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