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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Cognoscenti · 07/03/2022 18:51

@WiddlinDiddlin

No idea what you've done to bring out the wilful misunderstanders and determined disagreers here...

I get it OP - you've had to tell her, had to calm her down.

The next thing she hears is her dad doing dramatic sarky 'OOoooooooooh you won't like thaaaaaaaaaaaat' bordering on intentially winding her up again.

He is a twat. A thoughtless stupid twat. Next time he opens his gob and says somethign stupid to her, tell her (appropriately) 'ignore your Dad he's being a dramatic idiot ... again!'

How do we know how he said it? OP doesn't say.

Also, OP, don't call her dad an idiot in front of her, that's childish, rude and not how we should be teaching kids to speak to other people.

hangrylady · 07/03/2022 18:52

Nothing wrong with his comment. You both sound overly dramatic, poor bloke.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:53

@GingerWit

Don't be so precious. You are overthinking this. Dad said it this way because like the rest of the world he doesn't see it as insensitive to his daughter.
Unfortunately, when you have ASD kids you have to think everything through! The rest of the world might think that, but he is her dad - he should know how much it would scare her!
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 07/03/2022 18:53

Hopefully this thread has made you realise you are not always right.

Both you and her dad made her cry.

You think what you said was best and he thinks what he said is best.
Somewhere in the middle is probably perfect.

Should he be honest - definitely.
But there’s a way to do it without scaring someone.

Should you prepare her - definitely.
But you need to do it in a way that’s not going to make her more anxious by making it a big deal.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 18:53

How do we know how he said it? OP doesn't say.

Never mind how he said it @Cognoscenti, it wasn't even what he said...

DillDanding · 07/03/2022 18:53

I’m with you OP, he didn’t need to say that at all.

Ime, being bright and breezy about blood tests is the way to go.

Mind you, I’ve got a needle phobic (veins, not jabs) teenager, so what do I know? Confused

cuno · 07/03/2022 18:54

I'm interested why you think it is not a helpful approach?
Because reading your OP, it wasn't at all helpful and clearly you exacerbated the situation.

BeHappy91818 · 07/03/2022 18:55

I have a child with ASD, stop using that as an excuse. You are being dramatic and over the top.

milkysmum · 07/03/2022 18:55

I think it's clear that the OP is not going to accept that her own responses may not be the most helpful in managing someone else's anxiety.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:55

@NoSleepNoSleep

Sounds like a lot of drama over a blood test. I had a few around aged 8, my mum didn't tell me before, we just went to the appointment and I let them do it no drama once we were there (no cream or anything). Seems you telling her is making it into a big thing which it isn't. I've had lots of blood tests as an adult (I have 3 children) it's a scratch and sometimes unpleasant for about 30 seconds, no need to stress her out over it.
I had a very different experience as a DC as my mum didn't know I was autistic and hadn't prepared me. Believe me, I was just preparing her while staying upbeat. Her dad just scared the life out of her!
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 18:58

@Bramblesr

I a paeds nurse used to work in a&e lots of parents make silly comments prior to blood tests like ‘I hate having my bloods taken’ ‘ooh they won’t like that’ none of which is very helpful 🙄

More recently worked as a practice nurse we don’t routinely have access to numbing cream so if it’s being done in the practice you should check as it needs to be prescribed and applied approx 30 mins prior. Also it does hurt for a couple of seconds don’t lie to her. Could try watching some age and stage appropriate YouTube video about having a blood test to see other kids having their blood test. Make sure she’s well hydrated on the day, bring iPad phone, book something to distract and she’ll be fine

She is having it at the hospital as urgent so won't have to book a slot. I will ring and speak to them in the morning about numbing cream. I've not lied to her, but the little butterflies do make it generally a less painful experience. I've said a bit more than I actually wrote.
OP posts:
willithappen · 07/03/2022 18:59

As someone who was/is terrified of getting blood taken I don't think you should have told her so far in advance to 'prepare' her. The longer you know about it the longer you have to overthink and work yourself up about it. Over thinking it all is what causes me an anxiety attack over it where I pretty much faint and it's purely because of thinking too much beforehand and expecting the worst.

I don't think your partner should have mentioned to her that it was going to hurt so I do think he's unreasonable there. Not a good reaction from dad. Probably something like 'it will be okay'

However I do think BOTH of your responds to her were unreasonable and telling her it will hurt. For all you know it may not hurt her at all. Just because you find them painful doesn't mean she will. You can try prepare her all you like but until you know how she handles it I don't think you can prepare for it to hurt, just prepare her of what will actually happen.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/03/2022 19:00

@JustWonderingIfYou

Tbh I wouldn't have said any of the rubbish you said. You made it a massive deal, that needs tears and muffins and cuddles. I'd have just said on the way to the drs "you're having a blood test, it's not a big thing. You've had them before when you were small".

I'm convinced people who make a drama llama about needles have inherited it from their parents.

Agree with this - as someone who has done a lot of blood tests on children.

Both of you have helped to build this up in her mind, in different ways. And fear makes pain worse. The kids who cope best are the ones whose parents are very matter of fact about needles.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:00

@Whatterywhat

Oh give over *@UndertheCedartree*, you knew about it long enough to have a conversation with her about it Stop trying to find holes with him
I knew about it then 1 second later spoke to her. He knew about it then 1 second later spoke to her. You are really running out of ammo now!
OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/03/2022 19:00

I don't think your partner should have mentioned to her that it was going to hurt so I do think he's unreasonable there.

He didn't, did he?

Apologies if I missed the OP adding that bit.

Roselilly36 · 07/03/2022 19:00

Only certain nurses can perform blood tests on u16’s at my GP practice, my DS had one when he was young, it was absolutely fine, didn’t hurt and was over before you knew it. He was quite interested/fascinated by it at the time tbh. The nurse said are you worried, he said no, I have been looking forward to it 😂 took her by surprise I can tell you.

fallfallfall · 07/03/2022 19:00

“Scared her to death” how melodramatic.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:00

@kittensinthekitchen

YANBU.

I have an ex like this (not involved in the kids lives these days) and this was exactly the kind of shit he would come out with.
As a standalone comment, it might not seem so bad to some people, but as part of a bigger picture, it's just a further demonstration of not having a Fucking Clue.

Absolutely spot on!
OP posts:
Defaultuser · 07/03/2022 19:01

Wow, I think everyone is being really hard on the OP's daughter calling her over-sensitive. It is very common to be scared of needles and at 9 she is likely to know whether she minds them or not.

Prettynails · 07/03/2022 19:01

I don’t tell any of mine until an hour before if even that much and they are older. Seems a slight over reaction to rant on here as it is a typical comment anyone could make who isn’t empathetic might make * insert grandparent etc

Sleepeatrepeat · 07/03/2022 19:01

@UndertheCedartree my dd is slightly younger than yours and has regular blood tests every 12 weeks and random ones in between as and when the hospital decide. She has gone through them for over 3 years and she is still terrified of them. I have never shown her my fear of them but she had a couple of nasty experiences with our gp nurse who didn't use the emla cream (numbing cream) so she knows it hurts.

Blood test needles are big and for small arms and small veins they are very painful.

Speak to your gp in advance and request emla cream and the proper patches. If you dm me I cam screen shot dd's prescription for you so you know what you are asking for if it helps. Put it on an hour before the blood test and take a search and find book to distract her and she won't feel a thing. The hospital do all sorts tondostract and relax dd and are amazing.

As for your actual question...your comments were perfect and her dad is a twat. But dd's dad also says stupid shit like that to her and then never once in nearly 9 years of being back and forth has he ever come to hospital with her. He thinks he is being supportive and by making light of it he is helping when in fact he just makes it 1000% harder for me.

GooglyEyeballs · 07/03/2022 19:02

To be honest I think his comment was a good thing to say.. hear me out... sometimes, the more of a fuss you make over these things the more you validate anxiety over it. But if you're casual about it then it normalises it a bit more, like it's no big deal, makes it less scary. Obviously that doesn't work in every scenario! Your dd is obviously very nervous so didn't react well, but DH didn't actually do anything wrong. I would try to reassure DD that it's no biggy. I find the best thing to do is encourage children to view it as a nasty pinch but ultimately something kind of cool and sciencey! (But again every situation different). Sorry your dd is so scared! Hopefully once it's done she'll realise it was nothing to be afraid of.

MargaretThursday · 07/03/2022 19:02

It's not necessarily the parent's fault if she reacts badly.

I have 3 dc.
#1 no idea how they're react because they've never needed one.
#2 makes as much fuss as you can imagine.
#3 thinks blood tests are the most amazing fun, asks the nurse lots of questions, watched carefully (and faints afterwards). He's also majorly allergic to magic cream (think entire arm swollen)so doesn't get any numbing.

But with #2 I wouldn't leave it until the last minute, but I wouldn't tell her the night before or she'll have got herself into a state. You want to be as matter of fact as possible with her, and make it a brief conversation rather than a special one.
"You need a blood test to check for long covid, so we know what treatment is best. We're leaving at 9:15, and I need you to be back at school by 10:30 because I've got the shopping to pick up at 11."
If you start offering concessions then it doesn't actually help, especially next time. Because she always will want one more than what you've offered. Giving a time limit says she hasn't got time to mess about and pull her arm away as there isn't time.

The one thing I do give her is a dextrose tablet to suck. She got worried about fainting with the needle still in one time (as #3 has done) so I told her keeping her blood sugar up means she's less likely to faint. Mostly placebo, but it does work. She also then wants to get the injection done before it finishes dissolving. Grin

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/03/2022 19:02

It was clearly the wrong thing to say to your child but it would have been a perfectly empathetic thing to say to most children. It validates their understandable feelings while using a touch of litotes to to lighten the situation.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 19:03

@Butchyrestingface

'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

Surely the obvious response to that would have been, "it's okay, we're going to ask for a numbing agent."?

Anyway, I tend to agree with PP that it was you who set the scene here by suggesting that the injection was so unpleasant it required a numbing agent, and muffins to get through. And not only that, but the numbing agent would only take the edge off it, as opposed to completely remove all pain.

Hope it all goes well and your daughter gets good results. Smile

I calmed her down. I needed to explain about the cream as that is what she will be having. Yes, I did explain that it may still hurt a little. The muffin is about transitioning out of it. Knowing what is coming next and that it is something nice!
OP posts: