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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think you don't say this to a child!

494 replies

UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:20

I spoke to the doctor this afternoon about my DD who has Long Covid. He wants to do a blood test to rule out any other causes of the symptoms.

I am separated from her dad but he was over at my house after picking her up from school. I spoke to DD alone about the blood test. She burst into tears but I explained they can put numbing cream on your skin so it shouldn't be too painful and promised her a muffin from the cafe. Along with a cuddle she calmed down. We came downstairs and I told her dad she needed a blood test. His response was 'Oh, I bet you're not looking forward to that!' at which point she burst into tears again! I don't understand why he can't think before he speaks!!

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:41

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Mine calmed her, his scared her! So yes, mine was better

But whatever you said to her originally made her cry. I'd assume he didn't know she would react that way. Did you give him time to reassure her once he'd realised she was worried?

I just told her she needed a blood test as I had to prepare her. He's had 9years of her being his DD so yes he should have known! He had the option to reassure her in that he was there when she started crying.
OP posts:
Thatsplentyjack · 07/03/2022 17:41

Yes, that was a stupid thing to say to a child. Always amazes me that adults don't engage their brain before they say something to children.

MiddleParking · 07/03/2022 17:41

I don’t think his reaction was very helpful but I don’t think yours was either.

newnameforthis76 · 07/03/2022 17:42

Do they actually use numbing cream on kids when they have blood tests, nowadays? I had loads of blood tests when I was a kid and they never used a numbing cream. Has that changed now?

Either way, I think you’re both in the wrong. Your ex might have been a little bit tactless but you’re pandering to your daughter’s extreme reactions and letting her build up a tiny event into something that requires muffins and cuddles and fuss.

My reaction would have been “Oh, it’s nothing to worry about, sweetheart! You’ll feel it a tiny bit but the nurse will be really kind and it’ll be over so quickly you’ll barely notice. Anyway- what shall we have for tea?”

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:42

@Whatterywhat

But you had the advantage of knowing about it, he didn't. Give him a break
I knew about it when the doctor told me, a few minutes later he knew!
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:43

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

A lot of it is luck IMO. Another day, another set of circumstances, another child, it might've been taken as an empathetic comment validating the anxiety and reluctance many people can feel about a blood test.
Yes, another child but this is his child! He just doesn't seem to think!
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Lesperance · 07/03/2022 17:43

I don't see this at all. Her dad seems to have got that she would not enjoy it, as do you. What's wrong with his comment?
Was she going to have the blood test that day? If not, why did you have to prepare her?

Sceptre86 · 07/03/2022 17:45

A bit thoughtless definitely but you're making a bigger issue of it than needs be. I feel for her though, blood tests aren't nice, do cause some pain discomfort and if a child is a sensitive sort it makes it that bit worse.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/03/2022 17:45

I think you're overreacting. He made a comment, you have a very sensitive child. It may well hurt even with numbing cream, some kids claim to still feel it, could be more mental but still. It's a blood test, no need to make a massive issue of it. Just let her know it's happening and she'll have numbing cream.

weebarra · 07/03/2022 17:45

I've got a 14 year old ND child who is needle phobic. He has huge anxiety. It certainly doesn't come from me - I've managed to get through the needles involved in chemo and c sections.
I think it's a bit of a nasty pile on. Presumably both parents are aware that the DD has issues around anxiety. DS1s anxiety hugely frustrates me but it's a lot worse for him. I'd have been a bit pissed of with my DH, think both parents have to be on the same page around Neurodiversity and anxiety.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:45

@FawnFrenchieMum

I think it’s a pretty standard man response. I don’t think it’s too bad tbh, although my daughter would probably react the same. I thought it was going to be something really bad, like I once had that and it went wrong and I was bleeding for weeks and admitted to hospital or something!
I had just reassured her it wouldn't hurt and then he just made clear it would be extremely unpleasant - in her mind really hurt! I wish he could have just been calm about it. I guess it was the way he said it. And he has form as I said above!
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AnotherSillawithanS · 07/03/2022 17:46

Gosh, it's just a blood test.

I don't think he said anything wrong.

AHungryCaterpillar · 07/03/2022 17:46

Sounds like you’re annoyed because it’s your ex that said it.
So you want something to be annoyed at him for. 😕

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:46

@CarlCarlson

Your child sounds overly sensitive
Yes she is probably autistic.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:47

@MissyB1

He immediately gave her the idea that having a blood test is something to be feared. Why couldn’t he say something positive? Why do adults insist on passing their fears and anxieties on to kids? He sounds clueless.
That was exactly it.
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AnotherSillawithanS · 07/03/2022 17:47

The bit about him being an ex is irrelevant and he hardly made it clear it would be extremely unpleasant.

Sometimes shit hurts, she needs to know this.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 07/03/2022 17:47

@ClumpingBambooIsALie

she is sensitive.and probably ND

Has she inherited the ND?

Yes
OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 07/03/2022 17:48

He didn’t say anything wrong.

Actually she probably preferred his comment as he didn’t dismiss her feelings and knows her well enough to know how she’s going to feel about it.

Acknowledging how someone feels isn’t a bad thing.
It’s like you are trying to find fault when there is none.

VitalsStable · 07/03/2022 17:48

Who looks forward to blood tests???? Of course it's not unreasonable. She's 9 not 4.

VitalsStable · 07/03/2022 17:49

It will hurt. Don't lie to your child.

BuddhaForMary · 07/03/2022 17:49

I'm not sure he said anything bad? It's the kind of thing I'd say to mine about something they're obviously NOT looking forward to, and it's meant to lighten the mood or open a dialogue as to why they're worried. My youngest DD is 11 and massively sensitive but even she wouldn't take offence at that!

Yours did, obviously, but that doesn't mean her dad said anything particularly bad! How old is your DD?

MiddleParking · 07/03/2022 17:49

I wish he could have just been calm about it.

See, I’d be irritated if my husband offered my child numbing cream/a muffin/cuddles over a blood test, because I’d see that as a lack of calm.

TeaForTiger · 07/03/2022 17:49

I also wouldn't have said anything until just before, otherwise it just gives them longer to worry about it.

Your EX's comment sounding honest and caring, I can't see anything wrong in what he said at all.

RandomQuest · 07/03/2022 17:50

Do they actually use numbing cream on kids when they have blood tests, nowadays? I had loads of blood tests when I was a kid and they never used a numbing cream. Has that changed now?
My 1YO has regular blood tests due to a medical study he’s in and they always send us numbing cream. He doesn’t even notice it’s being done, it’s fantastic stuff. IDK about older kids though.

thecatsthecats · 07/03/2022 17:51

But you just said that you don't believe it will be all fine when it might hurt her, so which is it?

Whether you're together or not, you don't have to share the same approach. She's old enough to know that Dad might react one way and mum another. She won't live her entire life with people tailoring her responses to her.